Wednesday, December 31, 2008

auld lang syne

Let me think back over the past year and follow my ups and downs... There were several! To be honest.... way too many for my liking! I have thought and thought long and hard for the past month on what my New Year's Resolutions will be..... I have the usual-eat healthier, get into shape, take better care of myself-but then there were a few others that lingered.

One that I am going to work really hard on this year is being nicer to others. I am not a complete ass or bitch 24/7, although I am sure there are those of you who may disagree-but I can be pretty decent person. I am going to work on becoming a better person. Not just better for myself, but for and to others.

This year I have come to learn that I am a very lucky person. I have had some tough times, but I have never gone without. I look all around me and see the hundreds and thousands of people who have to go without, the families that have lost someone, or lost a job, those who are losing thier houses, and it breaks my heart.

I started out this year on the extreme cynical side, with no faith in the human race... My faith still dwindles with the kindness that is lacking in the world... but I still have faith.

I wish you all a Happy New Year... and here's to all our resolutions... Whatever they may be!!!

Monday, December 22, 2008

it's been awhile

So, it has been almost a month since my last post. It goes to show you all that work has sucked me back into it's pits of hell. Sorry! Just that I am back to work now.... and i am beat by the time I get in the door.

Not too much has taken place since my last blog... I have been pretty healthy which is so exciting for me. I never thought I would be this excited about actually feeling good for a change. The kids are all healthy at the moment, but they had their share of strep and ear infections.

Christmas is in just a few days, 3 to be exact! I love this time of year. As for the past few years, I have been pretty down in the dumps, not looking forward to the holidays at all.... But this year, I am excited.. I can't wait for the kids to wake up Christmas morning and to see their little faces... Oh, that is joy in itself.

I am only on my lunch break... so I do have to cut this short... but I am still here and will post again soon... PROMISE!!!!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Pre-turkey mumbo jumbo

Well, I went back to work on Monday. I was slightly nervous on the actual job I would be doing when I returned. The worst-was what I was thinking. Yet, actually, it wasn't that bad. The job isn't all that bad either. The crazy thing is that even though people and departments have be rearranged during that past 7 years of my employment with this company... I ended up back at the exact same desk I started at. That is odd....

I have been so tired at the end of day. Get home-make dinner-help with homework-pass out. I am just beat. I need to get used to working again. My brain hasn't worked this much in over 2 months.

I am grateful that this week is a short one. There are only 3 1/2 days to this week. I am super excited to the reason why, too.

Thanksgiving!!!! This time of year really brings me such joy! I see family that I haven't in awhile. People get nicer this time of year. Have you ever noticed that?

Go to the store and see who holds the door open for you. I see it all the time. People holding doors, helping others, smiling more, and just cheerful. The mood is lighter too. Or at least it is to me. Maybe I just don't see it all the other times...Perhaps, I get nicer this time of year.... maybe!

Back to that turkey..... mmmmmm!!!! I love food! My day with consist of traveling to so many different places. It has to be hard on the kids. First stop-my Dad's. I love it over there. He leaves about 15 minutes away from me and you want to know how often I see him? Let's just say I can count it up with the use of my two hands. It is sad I know. Long story, maybe for another day.
Then we trot off to my mother's-this year it is being hosted at my brother and sister-in-law's house. That should be nice. They just did some redecorating and renovations... so, I am looking foward to that. I see them more than I see my dad, but not as often as I should. Finally, we end the day by going to my in-laws. We end up eating all night long and playing games. I see them all the time. My sister-in-law is one of my closest friends. (her moving around the past 2 years has passed a bit of a wedge.... working on it... again.. Another story for another day).

Then after all that, I explode!!! Ha! The kids get to see everyone but they do not like having to stop playing with one set of cousins to go to another set. It can be overwhelming... I know it is for me. I could only imagine how they feel. I never had to do that. I was always at home with my mom and that set of siblings (long story).

I sure do have a lot of little side stories for another day popping up in the blog. Well, this really wasn't much of anything... hope you enjoyed....

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Rampant Ramblings

So I am just full of random thoughts tonight. I have nothing too full and eventful to post but I just have a slew of thoughts rushing around my mind that I would love to just get there out there in the open.

1. For starters... I saw the movie Twilight today... COMPLETELY LOVED IT!!!! I read all four books like all other fanatics and fell in love with the characters and the entire story line. It never once left me sour. Well, since most readers fell madly in love with one of two characters: Edward Cullens or Jake Black and I heard that the book was being made into a movie (I fell in love with Edward of course) I had to research who the were casting for the movie.

Well, was I oh so excited to see who they cast as Edward. I absolutely adored Robert Pattinson. I thought he was such a cutie in Harry Potter. Well, I must admit I am infatuated with him. Oh, it embarrasses me to say it, but my goodness. I would just completely fall to pieces if I ever met him. I thought my "teen heartthrob" days were over.

2. I start back to work tomorrow. I haven't been in a little over 6 weeks. And before that I was away for a mini-vacation. So, it will be a big shock to be introduced back into the working world. It has been wonderful being off and being with my kids so much. I will deeply miss that, but Uncle Sam and all his money hungry friends want money I don't have right now.

They have decided to fill my position and now I get to go back there and work a different job. Not to excited about that at all. On the other hand it will be nice to get out of the house again.

3. Tonight I got to see my favorite constellation again, Orion. I have had this crazed adoration for this constellation for years. It brings me a sense of peace when I see it. I am one of those loony people who actually talk to the stars and he is the one spot in the sky that I direct my attention. I hadn't seen it in so long and being so down in the dumps lately it kind of felt like even the stars were turning their backs on me. But I saw him when I least expected it. That made my evening.

4. Thanksgiving is around the bend. So much to do. Some many places to go. I enjoy spending time with family and nothing is better than getting together at my dad's where I see family I haven't seen usually since last Thanksgiving. But it is so hard when you have three houses you must go to-and the family pulling you to be there. Do you realize how hard it is for me to take my 3 kids to so many different places? It is terrible and they hate it too.

I had tried holding it here at my home, but members of different parts of my family do not get along very well. The sad thing is they can't even just put things aside for a few hours once a year.

Well, I believe that is all. I probably have more but I have so much to do to get ready for tomorrow. I need to find my work scrubs and get everything prepared so the morning runs smoothly.

Good night all!

Friday, November 21, 2008

Absolute rambling

I have questioned Fate on more than one occasion and at one point completely given up on it. However, something keeps bringing me back to whether or not it truly exists. Growing up I had always believed in Fate. I knew with every fiber of my being that it existed and it was what guided me along my path. That no matter what my choices were, the decision was already made somewhere else where I was to go and what was going to come of it. No matter how many times I strayed from Fate's path it pulled me back in.

It was a hard fall when I started to believe that Fate was nonexistent. I have had many great choices in my life, but for one reason or another I would-be it Fate or whatever-I have always chosen the most difficult or painful path.

My story is long and complicated. One day I may be free to tell it. I have given up on Fate. I have given up on happy endings. I have given up on so many wonderful things for my own life.
However, I still believe that there is greatness out there for my children. There will always be greatness for them. So I still have Faith.

When the fall, I will catch them. Unless, they are far away I will go to pick them back up. When they need me I will be there to carry them and hold them and to listen. Choices are complicated. There is only one way to found out the truth and that is to try.

A friend of mine once stated-If you haven't tried you haven't lived. It is true! But when is it time to remove the film covering; open my eyes; take a deep breath; and live again? When will the fear be gone? When will I know that I am making the right choices? I have made so many bad ones. I still keep making the bad choices.

I am sorry. I tend to ramble. I guess it is hard to say somethings out loud. But typing them is so much easier.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Am I a walking sickness?

Well it has been awhile since my last post, I had a bit of a relapse in being sick. I haven't been doing to well since the beginning of October. I thought I was getting better, but I guess I was wrong.

I had previously posted about going to Virginia to see my sister and her family-well when I returned home I had to go back to work the next day, Wednesday, October 8. That was when the headache started. It was painful but not the worst. It continued on and through the next day while at work and come Thursday night I was in complete pain. The worst migraine of my life and I couldn't move my neck. Nothing was helping and I thought my head would explode.

Well Friday I stayed in bed and did nothing but sleep or stare at the back of my eyelids. I couldn't focus on anything and if I tried I would become even more nauseated. Saturday came with a million and one family events and I tried to work through the pain, I tried to be there more than just a shell of me. It wasn't working.

Sunday, I didn't get out of bed except for using the bathroom maybe twice. My head was getting worse, I had a fever, and I couldn't move my neck. Needless to say I went to see my doctor the following day. My mother had to drive me due to my inability to open my eyes to the light outside. She was pretty much my guide. She joked early in the day that she will need to be extra careful so she doesn't walk me into a door or a wall. We both thought it was funny.

My doctor came in and wonderfully turned out the lights-oh that was so wonderful. We went over my symptoms and he checked my pupils. They weren't dilating like they should and I was unable to focus or touch my chin to my chest. I was barely able to move my neck. He called for his nurse to get my mother from the waiting room and starting spitting out words like meningitis and hospital asap and when did this start? why did she wait so long?

If you know my mother, these words sent her into complete panic mode. She is so afraid that she will lose her children to death before she herself passes. We arrive at the ER and my doctor was to have called ahead. Yet, for some reason, the people in the front checking patients in had no idea. The triage nurse, was a complete ass! He as so rude and if I hadn't wanted to chop off my own head at that point I would have let him have it. Again, if you know my mom, she did let him have it. He asked me why I was there and when I answered I seen my Dr. today and he believes I may have meningitis he sent me here. His stupid response was why would you think you have that? You realize you should have seen your doctor first.

Complete shock coursed thru me; yet my mother took care of that and said-Were you not paying attention to what she said. That was the first thing she stated. SHE SEEN HER DOCTOR. He was to call ahead-That ass just cut her off and called to the back all cocky like whatever-When the nurse in the back said Yes we have been waiting for her-send her back NOW! I wished I could have rubbed it in his stupid ass face.

Anyway-the doctor came in-did the same tests my doc did-took some blood and said yeah it is probably viral meng. There is nothing we can do but treat the symptoms and she will have to wait it out. If can take any amount of time. Just keep hydrated and you will be worse before you will get better. He added, well you should feel lucky-If it were bacterial you would be dead by now. I am not sure if he was trying to lighten the situation, but it didn't work.

Well, I was sent home with pain meds and told to follow up with my doc if not getting any better. That Friday I went back to see my doc. I wasn't getting better at all. He sent me back to ER to be admitted. Yet, those bastards didn't follow orders. I saw the same doc again and he did a spinal tap this time. OK-I already have the headache from hell, a fever and chills, sick to my stomach at all times and can hardly move-you want to jam a needle in my back?????

Well, I thought that I was going to die from that thing. It only made me worse. He cam back several hours later to tell me that it was indeed NOT bacterial meng. and that if it were I would have been dead by now. Again not helping. He sent me home again telling me I had to wait it out. This time he told me it could take months.

Well, I only got worse, I was more nauseated than before, I wasn't eating at all, I could barely drink anything, i couldn't sit up and even stand up with out immense pain to the base of my neck and extreme pressure in my head. I was deteriorating and at this point was ready to just give up.

I returned to the Doctors the following Tuesday. I couldn't even bathe myself-I needed help to do that. I needed help to get dressed and to walk. I was pretty bad off. The doc's office set up a room for me at the Hospital and I was to go immediately. Here I was dehydrated and many of my levels were rather low. The new increased headache was from a spinal fluid leak. My heart rate was insanely high and my blood pressure was crazy low. I honestly thought that I was going to die. I was terrified. I just kept thinking about how it had been so long since I had spent time with the kids and that I would die lying in the damned hospital without even getting to say goodbye. I ended up crying myself to sleep.

They re hydrated me, did EKG's everyday, pumped me with antibiotics for a new found ear infection and did a blood patch. Now what is that? Well, it is where they go back into your back with an epidural block (finally taking away some of the pain); they remove blood from your arm-similar to taking blood for a sample; and then they proceed to inject the equivalent of half a shot glass of blood into your back to clot the hole created from a needle.

I was then told that I had not had Meng. that what I have was a meningi related virus that cause severe migraines. WHATEVER!!!!

That procedure made it impossible for me to stand up straight due to terrible back pain. The pressure in my head was gone, so walking like the hunchback was OK by me. They released me a few days later only on the promise that I will continue to eat and drink.

The following several days were very hard on me. I was barely able to walk for a week. Bending over is still very painful for me. My headaches aren't fully gone and my back still hurts when I move certain ways. I haven't been to work in almost two months. I finally started feeling better and able to move around and actually change out of pj's early last week.

I even brought out my Christmas Tree. Hoping that the holiday spirit would drag me out of my funk. That night I ended up with a sky high fever and severe sore throat. I have strep and a sinus infection. More antibiotics and rest. I am tired of being sick!

I return to work next week. I was booted from my position but will have a new one when I return. I am only concerned on where they will be putting me. There are some people in that office I would prefer not to work with. I am disgusted on the way I was treated by management there. But I guess I can't be surprised. They have only continued to screw me over every possible chance they get.

Well, now that this is a mile long..... Have a great afternoon!

Monday, November 10, 2008


So I really love to write. I want to one day write a novel. I can say I am not doing so hot with that right now. Heck-I am having some serious writers block!

That's all!

Friday, November 7, 2008

I am a Mother!

I must admit that I do enjoy blogging. Not only does it allow me to express my thoughts and feelings, it helps to release some built up tension or frustration, but it helps to open my mind to realms that have been hidden and untouched for too long.

I have always had big plans for myself. Even when I was a little girl I knew that I wanted to be a mother, a mommy to loads of kids. Can you believe that I wanted 10 kids when I was 12? That was my idea of a perfect family. Well, as I started to get older I began to come in touch with the intellectual side that wanted greatness in my career. I was 16 when I decided that I was going to go to law school, work towards becoming a partner in a law firm, eventually work my way into becoming a judge and one day my final destination would be Supreme Court. Well, through all those dreams I would remind myself that being a mother was a full time job in and of itself. How would I do it all. I had come to the conclusion that I would do all the schooling get my license to practice law and then have a family. Yet, not devote the first years completely to my career. Once my kids were in school I would increase my drive for my career.

Well, God had other plans for this woman sitting here typing away. His plan was for me to have a family. I was 19 years old and only a couple of weeks into having just moved out of my mothers house for the first time when I was blessed with finding out I was going to be a mommy. I was only late by one day, but my friend and future sister-in-law came right over with a pregnancy test. She swore it, she said she just knew it. Well, HOLY COW!!!! Both of those tests came back positive. I sat there, in the bathroom on the floor, in complete shock.

We decided that since the test was the generic brand we would call in re-enforcements and get the expensive kind. I called my already pregnant sister-in-law and told her she needed to pick me up (i didn't have a car and Jason was at work) and we went out and got The EPT. That little sucker popped up with the two lines as well. She so was excited and so was I; but what was I going to tell my mom?

Well, I knew then that this was the path for me. I knew then that I was going to be a mom and no matter what I would work my behind off to be the best mother ever. I may not be perfect but I would die trying if I had to.

That was 1999. On June 8, 2000 I gave birth to an 8lb baby boy at 4:49am. Oh it was so natural (not delivery-give that epidural!). Like I was born to do this. Don't get me wrong there were times I thought I would never sleep again but I trudged through them like a soldier. He is now an 8 year old, Kyle Warren.

May 2003, I found out I was going to become a mother all over again. I was ready, I knew what to do. I had done this before and he came out pretty good. I had this in the bag. Well, this pregnancy wasn't as easy and the further along I became the more and more terrified I was that I wouldn't be able to love this new baby the same as I love the perfect little man I already had.

Well, I learned on February 9, 2004 at 10:57pm that love is infinite and it can only grow. After a few minutes of the midwife and nurse whispering at my feet (and women you know your feet aren't far from your ears while in labor) that the baby's heart rate was dropping and the cord was around her neck. There was no way I was letting the Lord take this baby from me. She came out in two evil pushes and wailed to me that she was OK. Cadence Carole weighed in at 7lbs 1oz. Smaller but just as perfect. She is now 41/2.

Well, the journey continued for me when I realized I was a week late in March of 2005. A week later I decided that it was time to take a test. Well, there are those double lines again. I was so excited. Another little perfection for me to pour all my love into. Again this pregnancy took a toll on my body, but not my spirit. This little monster was due in December, but he tried to make his debut in early October. The doctors and I made sure he understood it wasn't time. Well for our hindrance, he went past due date and finally arrived into this world at 6:59am December 21, 2005. I was only in labor with him for 59 minutes. Talk about being lucky getting to the hospital. Kaleb Jason, is 2 now and just a little over a month away from 3.

I am 28 years old and I have three of the most perfect children in this world. God had his own plan for me. I like this plan. I would never trade being a mother for anything in all the world- in all the universe.

But that is only a part of who I am.... Granted a huge majority role, but there is so much more to the person behind this mask.

Monday, November 3, 2008

The Beginning

Well, after what feels like forever- I think I have finally figured out how to navigate my way through this blog and set it up nicely. Ahhhh!

My October started out nicely with a trip to Virginia to see my sister-Michelle, neice-Abbey, Eric, and the newest addition to the family my new little neice-Olivia. It was a wonderful trip and I was able to share it with m daughter-Cadence. We has a blast. We sent some time on the beach and I was able to bond with a part of my family that feels millions of miles away.

Cadence had the time of her life and she begged to move to the beach. I swear I could see her going to the beach everyday, growing up there, hanging out in the sand with her friends-oh that is my little girl. She would just stand clse enough for the waves to wash up her feet and she was stare out over the vast blue ocean just watching it, as though it were telling her something. It was serene and calm, beautiful!

We went bowling as well and she loved it. She is the middle child at home stuck between to rotten brothers, Kyle-8 and Kaleb-2. She was soaking up the attention and taking full advantage of it. Her Aunt Michelle and Uncle Eric spoiled her good. She didn't do half bad at bowling and I didn't do too bad myself. (thanks to the bumpers)

Well, our trip was wonderful; although it felt like it went by so quickly. We traveled home to prepare for a return to Preschool for her and work for me. UGH!!!! But it was wonderful to see my boys! I missed them so much. It was the longest I ever went without seeing them. I was so happy to be home.