Wednesday, September 9, 2009

It has been too long....

Wow... it has been about forever since I have been on here. I used to be a blogging fool. Awhile back I used to have a Myspace account. Through Myspace I had a blog, that was before I knew about this wonderful little place here. Once I was introduced to the greatness of I ended my mad blogging through Myspace. Yet something else ended with that, I lost the desire to write. No, I don't so much associate it with the canceling my Myspace page, that would make absolutely no sense what so ever. I think that alot of my drive for writing has to do with my moods. I am sure that many of you can relate to that... I guess that I am just so lost in so much, that I just don't know anything these days.

I have an attachment to my blog that gives a motivation quote a day.... (I am a quote junkie... i love them). The quote that was on my page today really shot out and stuck to me today.... "If you want to get somewhere you have to know where you want to go and how to get there. Then never, never, never give up. by-Norman Vincent Peale"

I have been going through some issues lately that are all to familiar to me. I thought, even if it were just for a small few months, that I was OK. That maybe just once in my life I was going to be happy, I was going to ok. Apparently, I was fooling myself. (I am still trying to figure that one out)

I got married in May of 2001. I was already a mother, to the first of my three children. I had always wanted to get married, but i didn't want to get married that day. I wasn't forced into it, I wasn't made to do anything. However, I was also not told that I wasn't going to be a complete disappointment to everyone of those who love me if I didn't get married. I know stupid, but that is me.

Within the first 6 months of my marriage, I was miserable, with a capital M... I hated my husband, I grew to resent him, and loathe everything about life in general. I didn't have a car, I didn't have many friends (although the ones I did have were amazing) I never went anywhere, I wasn't allowed to. I was taking care of my child ALONE. My husband did whatever he wanted to and that was that. No way around it. I just kept getting worse and worse.

Over time I had reconnected (via the Internet) with an old friend from when we were high school. We didn't go to school together, but we had mutual friends, in fact he was the boyfriend of one of my friends from high school. We all, in one hell of a large group, would go out all the time. Well, he had joined the Army and moved away shortly after the summer ended after we had all graduated. We had tried to stay in touch, but for one reason or another, that doesn't always work. Well, there he was, right there a typed message away. We started talking again... mainly about the stupid things we all did when we were younger... too bad that was only about a little over 3 year ago... i know too funny. We had discussed the silliness of simple crushes and what ifs.

Well, I was at a point in my life, where at that time he was becoming such a friend that I began to trust in him with my every secret. He became my life line. I had ( and still do have) a friend that I was closer to me, that I could have and should have shared all my secrets with, all my pain with, but she was equally a friend of my husband's. So, I turned to him, and told him my sadness, my hate, my disgust, my fears, my wishes, and my dreams. I told him the problems that I was having and the growing hate I had for my husband. And you know what he was there every step of the way. Not in the sense, hmmm, how can I make this work for me. But he helped me work through my fears to see that I was a very strong woman and I could make a simple ripple in the water and make so many changes. I just needed to know what I wanted and where to get, and NEVER NEVER NEVER give up on that. So similar to the quote for today.

Over time, I told my husband the issues that I had with him and he claimed he was fine and did nothing wrong. So at that time, I had decided that what we needed was to separate and get a divorce. That we, if anything, I was too young and this wasn't the wisest thing to have done. We made any agreements and decisions, and I went to stay with my mother. At that time, we agreed that it was best for our son to sleep and maintain his regular life in his home. I would have him from the time he woke to the time it was to go home and go to bed. I understand that was stupid beyond all belief, and I know that I should have never done something like that in my life. But I made that mistake and I regret it everyday.... still to this day even 7 years later.

Those who I thought were my friends during this time, would begin to tell me things that I was just too stupid to have not seen myself. My husband was a lying cheating asshole bastard. There were so many times that he had lied and cheated, that they felt sorry for me, yet they never told me. I have been able to get over the fact my friends were unable to tell me these things and build stronger relationships that have lasted the years.

During this time, I maintained communication with my friend and we had decided to see each other when he was in town from leave in the process of being transferred from one base to another. I seen him and we spent some time together. During my separation from my husband, I grew to really enjoy the company of my friend and we had talked about how we had felt when we were younger and how things in life are so confusing. I grew to love him.

Over time, during the months of the separation, I began working and looking for a job. I had also found out that my husband was trying in every way to make it so that I would lose custody of my son and never see him again. He was going to my family and telling them that I wanted to live the life of a wild party animal with no responsibilities. Then there came a time that I had to choose. He told me that he was just going to take my son and disappear, I would never see him again, and there was nothing I could do... Or I could move home. I went home. I figured I would be able to still work, save money and leave... all the things I knew I could do.

Well, to many of you, you all know I am not the healthiest of individuals. I am rather a sickly person. I ended up finding out that I was going to need surgery for endemetreosis. During that surgery I was informed that had a bad case and a large tumor on one of my ovaries. Luckily it was nothing. But then I was informed that my possibilities of having anymore children would decrease every year, that if I wanted to have anymore children now was the time to start to try.

Well, my marriage was faltering, I pretty much despised my husband, but I didn't think I had any other options. I really do believe I am a weak person. We talked about it and decided to go ahead and try. It took eight months, but I finally got pregnant. Was I any happier about my life, no. Was I looking forward to being a mommy again, YES!!! Thrilled, because I knew it was the one thing I knew I was great at. Well, it was also the most difficult of my pregnancies. I was very sick and lost crazy amounts of weight. Also, one hell of a delivery... But it was all worth it!

Then my second precious little one became 5 months old, my sister-in-law was getting married and it was to be a joyous time. Yet, internally i was still so beaten and bruised. That I felt that I only continued to get worse every day over the weeks, months, and years. Yet, I didn't know what was wrong with me, my husband and I decided to try to make things work, and I had a good home, healthy kids, but a broken abused heart. Then, a few weeks after the wedding, I found out that he was cheating on me AGAIN. God, was I furious. Not that he was cheating on me, but that I was stupid enough to think that he wouldn't. Stupid enough to think that I meant anything at all to him. Stupid enough to let it happen again. I wanted his blood that day. But again, I was weak and did nothing about it. He made me believe that it was my fault. That I pushed him to be with someone else. And not just any one but the bitch who watched my kids.

Well, I started to see a therapist...not a good thing, she was a quack. So I stopped and figured that I would just have to do what I do and just suck it up. I apparently was to weak to do anything about it and that was just that. Well, some time had passed and I was on birth control although I really didn't even want to think about being intimate with him ever again. Yet, alcohol makes you do things that you normally wouldn't. So I ended up realizing my period was a week late. Then another week went by... then I told my husband and we waited yet another week, then it came time to find out what was obvious. The moment that test was positive, I was terrified. How was I going to be able to take care of another baby, we had so many bills, such a small house, the usual fears, but the excitement of being a mommy again. That son of a bitch told me I would "have to take care of this, because we weren't having anymore kids". "Go to one of those places and get it taken care of" I thought another part of me died that day. Now today I am sure that a part of me died that day.

Well, what did I do, yup you guessed nothing. Again, not sure what part of me is so damned weak, but it is there. As my third and youngest grew, my tattered heart still ached.... my mind still wondered and my life just kept going.

Time had passed, and I got an email from my long lost friend and my heart fluttered. Although, I knew nothing would come of it. That was from another time. A time long gone and never to be had again. He wanted our friendship back, he missed me about as much as I missed him. He was a great friend. (if you are out there I want you to know that!) I miss him still.

Well, my husband was back to being an evil asshole who didn't care about anything but himself and his needs and wants. I was tired of it. I wanted out and I was going to make it happen. I told him I wanted a divorce and that was that. I started contacting attorneys and checking out new residence. I had plans, I had big plans. But I didn't have the guts to follow through.

I started to see a therapist again, She was amazing. She helped me out alot... but she knew that I was stuck and that it was me who had to do the unsticking. Unfortunately, I became very ill.... that was last October. It took many months to get over that hump of being ill. But I was able to get past it.

I decided that it was time to try to make a go at my marriage again. To try to MAKE things work., That was that... I had to, it was the only way for me to be happy. I didn't want to be alone for the rest of my life and I didn't think I was good enough for anything else.

Well, it is September 2009 and I am still heart broken, mind numbed, and deteriorating.... What is wrong with me?

Well, today's quote... it really made me think... Not like I haven't been as it is. But What do I want? Where is it? And am I capable of never never never giving up on getting it?


Melinda said...

omg amanda I am so sorry, I dont know how you do it, just reading it made me so mad and sad for what you have gone through.

Liz said...

This blog actually brought tears to my eyes. I didn't think anyone felt the way I do or have in the past. We've had similar but different experiences, my husband never cheated but we have split up a time or two. Hopefully time will heal our wounds. But, in the mean time atleast we both have 3 little people that make it all worth it.

Manda said...

Liz, I know is may sound alittle off, but it is nice knowing that you aren't alone in a certain feeling. I hate to say that we share such pain...but thank you for your kind words.

Melinda, You have been such an amazing friend. Thank you for that!