Sunday, August 1, 2010


I haven't really been myself in awhile. I mean out of the norm not me! I have so much going on, I just feel like my life is spiraling out of control. I have no time to sit down and take it all in. There has been so many things going on that I have been involved in that I just don't even know where to begin or end... hell where is the middle point to it all?

As many of you know I am currently in the process of getting divorced. It has been a long time coming and I truly am excited to begin a new chapter in my life. I have a house set up to move into, I move in a couple of weeks. I have a great job that I am now full time in and I just love the people that I work with. I am slowly getting to where I need to be!

This summer is almost at it's end and I feel as though it had just begun. That only a few days ago my kids were done with school and we were planning our fun summer days. Recreational soccer is OVER... I can't believe that it is already over! The 4th of July has come and gone... and today is the first day of August. Where did it all go?? Where did all the time disappear to?

My sister decided to get married in Las Vegas this July! I was sooo excited for her to be getting married and I was thrilled I was going to get the chance to experience Vegas. It was the best time I have had in a while! I didn't let one thing bother me while there. I kind of just went along with the rhythm and flow of the city that is just SO alive! This amazing city just has it's own heartbeat. One I was able to get in sync with. I was alive in this city and it carried me on it's wings.

Two of my children played soccer this summer and they were fantastic!!! Both of them held second place over all for the season and I am so proud of the effort and determination they put forth in playing each game! My oldest has now decided he truly enjoys the sport and will continue on into a traveling competitive league this fall! The excitement is running through us all. Although the season was a wild and crazy ride of most weeks being at the fields 4 of the 7 days a week for many hours, I miss it. It ended so quickly and I feel I wasn't even there. I was, though, I was there for each game!

My best friend has decided that after many years of being engaged it was time for her and her fiancée to get married this fall. Many of the girls in her bridal party are from out of the area and with a family that is involved with a food stand in many fairs and other festive activities it was a chore to plan around everything. Yet, I was able to pull it all together. Her shower was amazing as was her bachelorette party. Great fun with great ladies!

Let's not forget the studying that I must do each day to get ready for a Series 7 exam for work. Passing this exam will bring me a new title for work and it will bring me more confidence that I can accomplish anything I set my mind to.

As well, as the many events that are taking place with work right now; I have begun to find myself lost!

Lost inside a person who hasn't stopped moving... Stopping scares me at this point! The momentum is weak right now, but it is there. If I stop, I am terrified I will be motionless again. I fear I will become dormant and stationary.

I have a whole new life ahead of me and nothing! Nothing at all! With no means of getting anything that I need. So many unforeseen expenses this summer has caused the savings I had created to diminish and dwindle away to nothing. With each event that I have coming to me I will only be making it even more difficult to afford anything that I need.

I have never been one to worry about money or anything that even falls in that category. Why is it now that I can not seem to get past it.

I have so many thoughts that have bombarded my head, I can't think straight. I can't think in any direction at this point.

I have lost sight of being a mother. I feel that I have barely even seen my children in the past couple of months. That I am merely a figment to them. A shadowy mist of what was once their loving always there mother.

As most of you know, I despise allowing myself to cry. It makes me feel weak and unable to do what needs to be done. It makes me feel less of a person. However, I have begged for the release of tears recently to help eliminate some of the pain and frustration and hatred I have towards myself.

I am lost and I don't know where I am... please help me find myself!


Anonymous said...

Stop being so hard on yourself! All these changes are going to stress the hell out of you--i keep telling you that even good changes are still stressful. You've had an overload of them lately. Branching out on your own is always scary, always a money pit (at first) and is a huge adventure for you and the munchkins. There are tons of resources available to help you with what you need and lots of other lights at the end of your tunnel : ) The fear just makes it all look too big and insurmountable--i promise it isn't. Put your chin up and don't be afraid to cry because it's a good thing to get that shit out. If you have to hide behind a sappy movie as an excuse so nobody really knows why you're boohooing just do it! You're a strong person and strong people don't get that way because they hide their feelings; it's because although life may make them cry, scream or hide under a blanket for a minute they still show up and keep trying to get through the bullshit. now go be a good Okeypay, grab steel magnolias or some other sad flick with a box of kleenex and go bawl like you deserve.

Manda said...

You, know... You rock!!!! Thank you (you just made me cry! happy tears but yes, i cried! hahaha)!!!!