Sunday, February 6, 2011

I know that....

It is already hard enough for me to get the ability to go and talk to someone when I am feeling down. I am the one that everyone else goes to for whatever reason. You need someone to talk to- Call Manda. You need someone to make you laugh- Call Manda. You need someone to poke you in the eye because you're being a moron- Call Manda. You need ..... fill in the blank- Call Manda.

It is very rare when I go out on that branch looking for a smile or a laugh or an ear or that finger to poke me in the eye. I never ever really felt that I should be able to lean back when others were leaning on me.

This past week was a very bad week for me. Through it all, I offered to do the Chicken Dance for a friend who was bummed and feeling down, offered a listening ear, a congratulatory high five, a funny story and a helping hand. Once I was done helping or being there for others I was too tired to even be there for myself.

Friday night I reached out and hoped for even just someone to listen. I miss my kids. I miss them so much it is making me unable to function. My brain isn't on the levels that it needs to be for work or home or anything. I broke down and cried for a few hours Friday night. It hurt but felt like a nice release at the same time.

I talked to a couple of friends and my sister. Then the next day I thought maybe if I keep talking about it, it may help me to feel a little better. You know, since that is what every one says. Boy, EVERYONE IS WRONG. Not only did I not feel any better after talking to people, I felt worse. Now I wasn't only sad and disheartened; I was angry and bitter.

I am pouring my heart out, crying to people (which I do NOT do often, if at all). Telling them how I feel so lost within myself. That I know I am thinking like a complete fool... but I feel miserable and guilty of not being with my kids 24/7. The response was not one I needed at that moment.

A slur of, "Really, Manda! You are being silly." "Would you rather still be in a loveless miserable marriage?" "What is wrong with you?" "Do you want your kids to see you unhappy?" the list goes on. I couldn't explain anymore how I knew all of those things. I am not a complete moron. I know that I am in a better place. I know I made the right decision. I know I know I know I know... that is all I had in response to each and every one of them! It only got worse when I was asked a day or so later, "Are you over your silly little mood?"


Because I am always whining and complaining about every single little thing (complete sarcasm). I was shocked! I don't expect to receive Gandhi Wise advice or support. Hell, just someone to listen to me cry and yell and whatever... Someone to say, You will be alright.

I guess that is what happens when you seek for a shoulder to cry on or a back to lean against, from some one that has no idea what you are going through or how you are feeling. It isn't easy feeling like this, alone.

It will get easier. I know that. I will be ok. I know that. My kids will be ok. I know that. I just will have some downward slides every now and then. I know that. You will slip along the way up the mountain. It is inevitable. I know that.