Sunday, March 20, 2011

I never want to sleep again!

I used to stay up for hours, way into the middle of the night... allowing myself only maybe 2 or 3 hours of sleep a night. I was trying to keep myself from dreaming. I couldn't stand dreaming. I didn't have normal dreams. They were the nightmares that could create horror movies or mystery series.

I never wanted to sleep. I never ever ever wanted to sleep again. I became used to not sleeping. Then finally the nightmares stopped. They stopped until a week ago. Almost a year... A year without waking up gasping for air, covered in sweat, crying out, screaming, and shaking. I was getting used to sleeping again for 6hrs or more.

Then I felt the fear coming on out of no where last week. I didn't want to be alone. I know that sounds silly, I am an adult... but I just couldn't get over the feeling. I tried to just push past it, ignoring it, so that maybe it would just go away. It didn't.

I went to sleep a bit early that night (just got home from visiting my sister out of state). I had a horrible nightmare. It was one like I have never had before. I have dreamed about me, myself being chased, hunted almost. I've been lost, my kids have been lost. I have myself been shot, stabbed, hit, fallen, you name it... I had thought I had them all.

That is until last Sunday. I woke up screaming out Kaleb's name. We were in a parking lot of one of the rest stops that we were at earlier in the day. He took off running and out of no where a semi just hit him. I couldn't close my eyes. I just breath. I couldn't do anything. It hurt so bad. Even today I can still see the image of him. It makes me sick. I ended up talking with a friend that night. We talked about anything to help me calm down. It was just what I needed.

I struggled with sleep all week. To top it off I was sick too. I had the normal hunt down of me dreams... getting caught out in terrible weather or on the water somewhere. Someone trying to kill me dreams. The kids missing. Until last night.

I have been fighting off sleep still, and last night wasn't hard. I was wide awake. I was in super cleaning mode. I just didn't want to go to bed. Until finally I did, it about 4am when I crawled into bed, I popped in a movie and didn't end up going to sleep until around 5:30. I woke up screaming at around 10ish.

It was a wild dream. Filled with suspense and stress and anxiety. I was close to finding out who this one guy was that was killing people to get ahead in a business. He was so evil. Then one night I was out walking with some friends, finally feeling safe. Looking at paintings on the sides of buildings. Then out of no where comes this old black truck lights where on at first, then they went out. I knew it was the guy who was trying to kill me. I knew it was the one guy who was trying to get ahead. They started chasing me, I was screaming and yelling this one name over and over again, asking for help. Never once was that person there to help me. I jumped up... and next thing I know I am in the truck with them. I tried clawing and biting and screaming and kicking and punching and nothing was working.

The next moment I was at a Gala... Dressed to the nines... while he stood carrying an large yellow blow up boat and I saw someone in there. Not riding in it, but inside where the air is. The man tossed it into this pool, where I jumped in after it, in my dress evening gown. It was so heavy, I didn't know how I had to strength to get to the boat. I grabbed it while trying NOT to be seen by this man who was now making a speech... I bit open the plastic and ripped it apart. I pulled out the person inside. It was Kyle. He was motionless and I just started screaming for help.

I woke up, sitting upright gasping for air, fighting back throwing up. I screamed and yelled and cried.... I demanded I go back to sleep just to see him breath. I needed to see him breath. He was so motionless. His face was white. His eyes were shut. His arms limp. I screamed that it was my dream damnit, I demand to see him breath. I cried and screamed out for at least half and hour this morning. Begging to see my baby breath.

I can't take sleeping anymore. I just can't. I am crying in pain, while I know that they are all safe and sound in their beds just down the hall from me. I am terrified of going to sleep tonight. Utterly terrified.