Manda's Randomness

on to the next journey...

2012-01-23T14:05:00.002-05:00

Wow! I lost my job last week. Talk about the past few months being pure hell! I think the most painful thing is learning that I wasn't even a part of "The Team" that I was tricked into believing true.

3 days out from the hospital still trying to make it through a day with the pain that I have learned I will end up having to live with, I receive a phone call. The first one in over a week from my previous employer. (not one phone call to see how I was while laying in the hospital bed for 8 days.) Mind you, we were a company of 4, I wasn't a number in a large corporation.

Both of the guys who run the office are on the phone... the President of the company, a man I look up to and gives me faith that good people still exist, didn't even have the nerve to do it himself. The Vice President of the company, with his monotone and void voice informed me, "We have to take a different direction with your employment here, effective immediately."

All I could do was say "Okay". There was some other words he spoke and to be honest I was numb at that point. At the end of the conversation, I was told we hope you find the answers you need.

If that wasn't bad enough, when stopping in to clear my office and return my keys.... Not a one of them could have made the time to offer any words to me. Hell, one wasn't even there... While the other stayed in his office. I was treated as though I was a leper and had stolen from the company.

I've been hurt by their actions. I understand the politics behind a small company and well, stand behind their decision. Their follow through and actions were shameful and unfortunately showed me a side of them that is shocking.

I am still in a state of being numb. I try each day to move forward but the luster I once had is slowly dulling.

Starting in October my health has been a huge issue. I don't choose to be ill. I don't choose to go through pain or discomfort. I am watching all around me growth in each person I know... Yet, I feel my growth has stunted.

I am perfectly well aware that I am the keeper and key holder of my fate and with each day I allow this dark force to keep pushing me down only permits the luster to die out. My one strength is the continuance of jumping back up... There is no slow moving. I am on my feet and back at it the moment my ass hits the floor. I make the vow to myself, to never allow that to fail.

My next adventure is on its way... it will be bumpy and damn near difficult at times.... But guess what I'm not strong bitch and I will roll with the punches!

Can't I tell that little part to just shut up...

2011-10-16T00:17:00.002-04:00

I think at some point I would like to not worry about what negative thing is going to come my way when I am at a happy point or really even think something may be going well. I often wonder just how many terrible things have had to happen for me to even worry about what craptastic thing was going to make it's way into my direct path.

A friend of mine asked me the other day how my wrist was feeling and had it healed.... After several months and being completely immobilized for the majority of that time... It was taking it's sweet time healing... I informed him "I am worried about it being healed, because then I get to dread the new thing that happens to me" He laughed. I was serious.

Well, it's finally healing and no longer swelling... and now I am working on dealing with my newest issue. YAY! SIKE!!!!

Not to mention, I've been feeling a bit like a teenage girl lately... a bit giddy and all... and there is this tiny voice in the back of my head telling me to not get all too excited about it. Really there is not need for it. It's like I'm prepping myself for failure. I don't want to admit it.... I don't like to acknowledge it. There is no reason to. But there is a part of me that is just scared.

Can't I tell that little part to just shut up.

let the anxiety commence

2011-08-03T19:59:00.003-04:00

.... all I do these days is try to get through them as best as I can. I am not a depressed individual. In fact I haven't been happier than I have been in years. I enjoy waking in the morning and going to work. I enjoy seeing my peers, my friends, my family... I enjoy living life... but I do not enjoy seeing each day pass by as though it were only a moment in time.

My kids are no longer babies. 11, 7 and 5... how did that happen?? When did that little baby boy with the big head grow up and start getting ready to enter into middle school? When did that tiny baby girl with the tiny little fingers grow up and start preparing for second grade? When did that big headed peanut baby boy grow up to be big enough to start kindergarten in 21 days?

When did this mommy lose all of her babies? When did they become big kids? When did they become so independent? When did they start walking their owns journeys; letting go of my hand?

So many questions... so many pangs of pain... so many sleepless nights...

I am so proud of them. They are smart and strong and caring. They are shining lights in the dark nights. They are beams of the sun's light. I do not fear for them growing... I have given them the core they need... I will continue to feed their hearts, minds and souls. I can no longer mold them, that is for them to do now.

That is where the emptiness grows. The feeling of no longer being needed. How will I be able to deal with my last little monkey no longer running to me and wrapping his little arms around my neck because he is so excited to see me? I have lost that with my other two... and so much more... my heart is shredding...

purely random

2011-04-26T22:38:00.002-04:00

I've known this about myself for some time now and I guess I just didn't want to admit it. I push everyone away or I just don't let you in close enough... Just still keeping you at a distance. No matter who you are, I have and will continue you push.

There are rare occasions when i for a brief moment allow myself to not do so, allow myself to open up a little, allow myself to take a chance... Only to realize that pushing away is not only easier but it is safer. It is the smart move. I walk away or make you walk away before there is any real possibility that I will be hurt or that I will cause you pain.

I decided to try to go to sleep a little earlier than usual tonight (wasn't feeling the best) when I was awakened, as usual, by a nightmare. It is exhausting being me. It drains me.

Tonight is one of those nights where I kind of just want to be held. Just feel the arms of another around me, the comfort in that, the safety and security- even if short lived.

GRRRRRRRR!!!!

2011-03-24T21:42:00.002-04:00

I find it to be disheartening that everyday more and more people wake up and make the choice to teach hatred, ignorance, injustice to others around them. Then the same group of Neanderthal Primates question why the world is so full of hatred and violence. I will tell you why!!!

It is people like them that make people like me want to beat the living hell out of them!! Plan and simple!

I never want to sleep again!

2011-03-20T22:06:00.004-04:00

I used to stay up for hours, way into the middle of the night... allowing myself only maybe 2 or 3 hours of sleep a night. I was trying to keep myself from dreaming. I couldn't stand dreaming. I didn't have normal dreams. They were the nightmares that could create horror movies or mystery series.

I never wanted to sleep. I never ever ever wanted to sleep again. I became used to not sleeping. Then finally the nightmares stopped. They stopped until a week ago. Almost a year... A year without waking up gasping for air, covered in sweat, crying out, screaming, and shaking. I was getting used to sleeping again for 6hrs or more.

Then I felt the fear coming on out of no where last week. I didn't want to be alone. I know that sounds silly, I am an adult... but I just couldn't get over the feeling. I tried to just push past it, ignoring it, so that maybe it would just go away. It didn't.

I went to sleep a bit early that night (just got home from visiting my sister out of state). I had a horrible nightmare. It was one like I have never had before. I have dreamed about me, myself being chased, hunted almost. I've been lost, my kids have been lost. I have myself been shot, stabbed, hit, fallen, you name it... I had thought I had them all.

That is until last Sunday. I woke up screaming out Kaleb's name. We were in a parking lot of one of the rest stops that we were at earlier in the day. He took off running and out of no where a semi just hit him. I couldn't close my eyes. I just breath. I couldn't do anything. It hurt so bad. Even today I can still see the image of him. It makes me sick. I ended up talking with a friend that night. We talked about anything to help me calm down. It was just what I needed.

I struggled with sleep all week. To top it off I was sick too. I had the normal hunt down of me dreams... getting caught out in terrible weather or on the water somewhere. Someone trying to kill me dreams. The kids missing. Until last night.

I have been fighting off sleep still, and last night wasn't hard. I was wide awake. I was in super cleaning mode. I just didn't want to go to bed. Until finally I did, it about 4am when I crawled into bed, I popped in a movie and didn't end up going to sleep until around 5:30. I woke up screaming at around 10ish.

It was a wild dream. Filled with suspense and stress and anxiety. I was close to finding out who this one guy was that was killing people to get ahead in a business. He was so evil. Then one night I was out walking with some friends, finally feeling safe. Looking at paintings on the sides of buildings. Then out of no where comes this old black truck lights where on at first, then they went out. I knew it was the guy who was trying to kill me. I knew it was the one guy who was trying to get ahead. They started chasing me, I was screaming and yelling this one name over and over again, asking for help. Never once was that person there to help me. I jumped up... and next thing I know I am in the truck with them. I tried clawing and biting and screaming and kicking and punching and nothing was working.

The next moment I was at a Gala... Dressed to the nines... while he stood carrying an large yellow blow up boat and I saw someone in there. Not riding in it, but inside where the air is. The man tossed it into this pool, where I jumped in after it, in my dress evening gown. It was so heavy, I didn't know how I had to strength to get to the boat. I grabbed it while trying NOT to be seen by this man who was now making a speech... I bit open the plastic and ripped it apart. I pulled out the person inside. It was Kyle. He was motionless and I just started screaming for help.

I woke up, sitting upright gasping for air, fighting back throwing up. I screamed and yelled and cried.... I demanded I go back to sleep just to see him breath. I needed to see him breath. He was so motionless. His face was white. His eyes were shut. His arms limp. I screamed that it was my dream damnit, I demand to see him breath. I cried and screamed out for at least half and hour this morning. Begging to see my baby breath.

I can't take sleeping anymore. I just can't. I am crying in pain, while I know that they are all safe and sound in their beds just down the hall from me. I am terrified of going to sleep tonight. Utterly terrified.

does this only happen to me??

2011-03-19T15:25:00.003-04:00

I sometime think that if there was no bad luck I would have NO luck at all. I was joking around the other day... saying I am Irish... aren't we supposed to be lucky? Where my luck of the Irish? hahaha

The other day just proved that my luck is only 100% pure bad. (I must have been something horrible in a previous life for Karma to be so damned evil in this one) This past week I haven't been feeling well. My throat felt like it had golf balls with razor blades in it. Trying to fight the icky I still maintained my week. That is until Thursday tried to crush me!!!

It all started late Wednesday night when I didn't get home til 10pm... oh well, not too much of a problem but I came home to no water! Really?!?!?! I was 2 weeks late on paying the bill and actually just received the new bill two days earlier. UGH!!! Oh well. I will take care of it tomorrow.

I get up and go to work and at lunch run to the water department, with my wonderful sister-in-law. I go in and am told that since I am not the owner of the house I can't get the water back on. SO... I get the information that I need, only to find out I also need the agreement between the property manager and the home owner... UGH!!! So I get back to work, make some phone calls and finally get the paperwork I need to take care of this matter.

Now, I need to explain... I do not go downtown on my own. I know I get lost and therefore I get massive anxiety! Well, I decided this time I would go solo. I figured it would kill me. SO!!!!

I leave work early, head down to the water department... park my car... go inside, wait in a forever long line (mind you I feel like death- I can't even swallow my own spit- and i just want to crawl into a hole) when a man comes in asking whose Kia Sedona is outside. I say, mine. He tells me they are getting ready to tow it because it is blocking an entrance. The real slap in the face, the back bumper was just lined up with the curb. The deemed it just too close. I go outside to move, I tell the office, I am going to move and he says, (as cocky as a stupid son of a bitch can) Well fine move it if you want, you are already getting a ticket! I said, that's is ok, I am not asking to not get a ticket, but I wanted to move it since you can't seem to get into the entrance. Oh, here is where I wanted to kick him in the.... "You don't need to be a bitch!" My goodness, really I was in shock... the next line just slid out of my mouth. I couldn't stop it. "Well, then you don't need to be dick!" He hands me my ticket, and tells me to have a nice day... Cocky short bleep!!!!

I return to the water department to find a whole new long line and a woman from earlier that day. So we chit chat some... and finally what seemed like forever it was my turn. The woman behind the counter tried to be difficult about not being able to read the paperwork. Finally, I got done and headed home. Yet, my throat was so miserable I decided to run to the immediate care and found out what in the world was wrong with me.

I come to find out that I have strep throat. I informed the doc that I am allergic to penicillin. I head over to the pharmacy, just going to wait there for the antibiotics. The pharmacist comes out and tells me the doc gave me a penicillin based med... ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?!?!?!

Finally, I get home and just go to bed.

I really don't know how so many things could just go wrong in one day for one person.

... In the Positive

2011-03-13T22:58:00.002-04:00

I have fallen prey to the force behind negativity! I am ashamed to admit it, but I did. I am guilty of it! Yet, I was strong and overpowered that force against me. I realized my error and corrected it.

Today I was traveling back from Michigan, with my three children. I had to significant experiences happen. One highly positive and one damn near close to killing me and my children... quite negative.

I returned home safe and sound... dropped the kids off at their dad's... and came home. I let everyone know I was home safe and the event that I included in my announcement of my homecoming was the negative event. I went into great detail over the stupid Bastard who about ended the lives of my children and mine as well.

I realized that I had shared such a negative story but regrettably discarded the amazingly wonderful story...

I was growing tired on my drive home and knew I needed a pick me up... the next rest stop wasn't far away and it was fate because there was a Starbucks. We ran in and I ordered my giant caffeinated beverage... requested my last 5 bucks into ones for the kids for the vending machine. (Mind you the vending machines there were a bit over the top in prices) Well, I just didn't have enough, even after scrounging through my purse, coat and pants pockets for each kid to get what the wanted. So we stood there and tried to compromise. I was hoping for a civil compromise between the 3 of them... Clearly, I was mistaken. After, several minutes of begging and pleading Kyle finally talked me into getting him whatever he wanted from the store if he shared and picked something else. Apparently, we had drawn the attention of a WONDERFUL couple who came over and handed me some money to get the kids what they wanted.

I tried to return the money to them unsuccessfully, as they walked away smiling and saying, We remember traveling with ours when they were longer. We enjoyed it so... Please let them go wild mom!" And they were gone. The kids hollered Thank you as they continued out the door. The kids got what they wanted and the rest of the drive home was fantastic.

That is until....

I was minding my own business keeping my eye on the total tool in the pick up truck next to me with a trailer on the back of his hitch. He would speed up and then slow down and he was driving me insane. He got a bit in front of me and then put in his turn signal. He just started merging. There was no hurry for him to. Well, as he made his way into my lane, my heart vacated my body. There semi next to me would eat me alive and spit me back out. The truck was still right next to me so there was no moving in the left lane either. I did the only thing I could. I hit my brakes and thank GOD I did.... That douche bag's trailer just missed hitting my front end. The second he passed me... I started praying and thanking God for saving the lives of my kids and I.

Yes, the experience was terrifying, it was the negative one... I should have known better than to dwell on the negative. I should have just continued on in the positive.

Reality or ???

2011-03-07T19:40:00.002-05:00

There are so many times I have heard the phrase “looking through rose colored glasses”. You see what you want to see and that is that. Well, it is just NO fun when you are punched in the gut by reality.

Today I made a decision to walk away from a situation that just wasn’t healthy for me. I wanted it to be something that it wasn’t and never would be. No matter how hard I wished and hoped for it to be. A friend did the verbal sucker punch to the gut when she told me in the simplest right to the point statement that I had been avoiding all this time. BAM! UGH! Down for the count!

The thing with me… I don’t stay down long at all! I pop right back up and said… You really let me have it with that one, didn’t ya! No holding back! That is when she also informed me that she was tired of watching me yo-yo myself back and for and that she had to say something. You can only be supportive 100% for so long. She informed me that it was time to realize that what I wanted and what it really was ARE TWO DIFFERENT things.

Funny how we can create desire in our minds and after years of being brain washed to follow after what it is you want… You actually go for it and try something you otherwise would have never done. Yes, trying something new is a fantastic idea… but at what point to you learn that there is nothing that will ever change the outcome that this was and always will be a failed attempt?

So many times we see that person who just never gives up… How many of us really see determination? Probably the lesser part of 20% and that may be reaching a bit far. We see stupidity, ignorance, a person continuing putting himself in a degrading situation, hopeless, lost, and doomed for unrelenting failures.

I tried to maintain the positive here… I tried to keep telling myself, that there had to be a chance, be it small or not… it was there. I knew it was there. I JUST KNEW IT!!! I think my glasses weren’t only rose colored but also equipped with blinders and scented candles.

Yet, today, I decided that living in a state of mind that will lead me further away from where I should be is the wrong place for me.

But damnit wouldn’t it be great it Fat Free, low Calorie, healthy yummy tasting ice cream exisited???

Faulty wiring...

2011-02-28T23:04:00.003-05:00

I get these amazing ideas. They formulate in my mind from a single starting point. I can take something as simple as a thought about the stars at night and create a beautifully played out moment.

I used to want to write a book and not to sound full of myself, I have a way with words. The only problem I have is the wiring from my brain to my fingers. It is all there and I can see the details clear as day. The color of a pale sea green cotton sun dress. Running barefoot in the ankle high soft fresh grass. The wind is soft and cool. The sky is a beautiful blue with the whitest fluffiest clouds hanging high above. I can hear the birds singing and the laughter. It's all a playful game.

I see the day turn to night. The stars so bright, the moon is full and the air is crisp. Laying on a blanket, staring up at the sky, watching shooting stars, heads tilted toward one another, holding hands.

Yet... when I want to take thoughts (none such as these - romance novels are fun to read, but writing about them-eh not my style) and form them into the telling of a story... I Fail! My brain decides it can no longer create proper sentences. Can no longer use the correct words.

Today, is a prime example. I have been so busy lately, but the other night I had the best topic to share with you all; I was just so tired and it wasn't happening. Now I am running with writer's block. It is an annoying event.

Vertigo... NO!!!!!

2011-02-20T00:12:00.002-05:00

I have been feeling amazing and just in the best of spirits. I was feeling amazing and doing wonderfully. My mood has been tip top and I have been feeling so healthy. Was just talking about it and well apparently jinxed myself in the process.

The other night it all went to the crapper.... Well it started out with my head just feeling so heavy and my neck feeling so weak. It just continued to progress from there. My jaw got tight, couldn't close my mouth. My neck grew weaker and my head heavier. It got to a point that I just couldn't even move it without it everything going black or the room spinning. It was NOT good! My arms grew weak, I couldn't stand or sit up.

I had been talking to my sister who ended up calling our dad. He came, THANK GOODNESS! I am so much like my dad. I notice it more and more... but it really hit last night when he walked in and seen more motionless on the couch, mentally praying for the weirdness to just go away. First words out of his mouth were, "Wow, you look like you've been on a 3 day binder." hahaha Has to crack a joke! Gotta Love it!!!

Well off to the ER and tests and pricks and blood and more tests get done. Blood pressure tests... Good. Bloodwork.... good. EKG... good. My CT Scan... good. Well, after hours of waiting.. I am told I have vertigo.

Well, still several days later, i can't lift my head into a normal position because I still get so dizzy. I have really gotten it all worked down to just being able to deal with my dizziness. If I am able to tame my headache enough I can sit up and walk around and not have to deal with too much dizziness.

I just want this to all go away! I want to wake up in the morning and NOT be dizzy for once. Hell, i would LOVE to sleep through the night with out waking up wanting to puke my guts out because I rolled to the wrong side.

Lost and Lost...

2011-02-14T21:00:00.004-05:00

You know what makes being me very difficult?? No, not that I am absolutely AWESOME!! Although, that can be tiresome. Hahahaha!!!

It is my undying NEED to always understand things. I really do try to get even a little bit of understanding of some things so that I have some sanity following through my veins. However, some things I do not fully understand.

I have this sickness, or so I call it, of replaying things over and over again in my mind. Not that I am reliving it, or what I could have done in a different way, or anything along those lines. I do this to try to see facial expressions and tones of voices and placement of words. I try to take pieces here and there and put it all together and really I usually make out pretty well.

I used to be able to really read people well. It only took a little time and I was able to read a person like a book. Yet, something happened!!! I don't know what it was... but I can't do that worth a shit. Not even that, I can struggling with the comprehension of a few others things as well.

It truly does drive me batty! I think that all of the confusion on this topic has me really discombobulated. I have trouble staying organized these days and it is getting out of hand. If only I could piece it all together.

Then that part of my mind that likes to add even more confusion throws in there... well, maybe I am just supposed to not know. That is how it is supposed to be. Sometimes, I really do think my mind has ADHD. So many thoughts one right after another.

I ask others for some assistance on what I just can't understand... but they can't piece it together either. It just doesn't add up. What am I missing?

Snap... Crackle... Pop...

2011-02-13T12:36:00.004-05:00

Let's just say that I know I have a black cloud. I have even named that damned thing DUMPY. Why you ask? Because Dumpy likes to dump on me all the time. hahaha

Really it's like I am walking around with every bad luck charm out there. I let it roll off me though, what else can you do. Here is my latest adventure with Dumpy...

I went to bed Thursday night and like many nights when I have the kids with me, Kaleb crawls into bed too. (your kids are young only once, if they want to sleep in your bed, let them...) Well, finally I get to sleep sometime after 12:45am. I am awakened by what sounds like a snapping popping sound. I am pretty tired and kinda out of it, it is 2am, so I decide I see nothing so it must be ice rain hitting the window (my thought process is pretty comical...). So I roll over and go back to sleep.

I am awakened yet again, at 3:05am. The snapping popping sounds are being followed by some crackling noises and it is louder. Now, I am really delirious and my brain is running at slow mo, but my first thought was a mouse was trying to eat my water bottle I had on the floor. In disgusted panic mode (EWE MOUSE!) I find my phone and shine the light on the floor, there is nothing there. hmmmmm.... I lay back down perfectly still and listen, the sound fads away and I start to dose again.

To my surprise 3:38am rolls around and that damned SNAP.... CRACKLE... POP.... was taking over my room. There is no mouse, there is no rain, there is nothing... what the hell is going on. My overly exhausted brain is trying to come up with a logical explanation. NOTHING is formulating. Until my eyes lock contact with my outlet. I start to think, "that is it." That has to be it. I sit up, and I am on a stare down with the outlet on my wall. I am waiting in anticipation to watch it start sparking thinking that my house is going to catch fire.

After a few moments of hearing the noises and waiting for sparks, I have convinced myself it is all inside the wall and the fire is starting. I decide to be brave and lean over to touch the wall to see if it is hot. So I lean over, I am almost about to touch the wall when...... CRACK!!!!!!

BOOM!!!!

Are you kidding me... those are the thoughts running through my now wide awake brain, my bed just broke. How in the world did my bed just break? I say, alright... I have it figured out, no mice, no rain, no fire... just a gimpy bed and I am going to back to sleep damnit. So, I move Kaleb and myself to the far end opposite corner figuring that is the safe bet.

I was wrong. hahaha.... the snapping was little, the popping, was softer, but the crackling was growing and moving up the side board. Before I knew it, Kaleb was rolling away. I scoped him up, and we climbed into his bed across the hall in the room he shares with Kyle.

What was I thinking. I was thinking. I am NOT sleeping on my floor there is an imaginary mouse in there. hahaha.... Does my story end here... Oh goodness no... it is just about 4am and I have to work in the morning... there is no way in hell this story is over yet, almost though.

I am trying to get comfy in Kaleb's twin bed that he has already managed to take up most of, so once I do, I am grateful. That is until I started to hear some really excited grumbling about who knows what... Kyle was talking in his sleep. He went from being super excited about something to ultimately pissed to really excited again... It didn't stop! While all of that grumbled mumble was taking place in the room next door was a kicking of the wall and growling coming from Cadence. (my poor girl has night terrors-so this is the norm)

Kaleb has managed to wrap himself around my head, half of my body is on the edge of the bed, Kyle is grumbling, Cadence is growling, and my bed is broken... All in all I would have to say, it was a rather interesting way to start a Friday!

Life.... Just Live It!

2011-02-10T23:56:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was my daughter's birthday. She turned 7. I was wondering how all that time had already flown by when my sister sent me a text. I was lost for thoughts or words when I read what she sent me.

Several months ago... maybe even close to a year ago, a friend of her's found out that her daughter had a brain tumor. She wasn't given the best of prognosis. I cried for that mother and her daughter when I first heard. I thought of them often over the passing months. I thanked God even more for the health and safety of my children.

My sister sent me a text message to let me know that her friend's little girl passed away at 1am on Feb. 9th. I was celebrating my baby, while another mommy lost her's. My heart broke into a million pieces for a woman I had never met. I shed tears for the love of a mother and daughter that was stunted.

I have been having trouble thinking of much else than the limited time we all have here. Life is just that... LIVING! We all have an expiration date, we just don't know when it is. There is no other way out of here. I am terrified of death. I never really understood why... but I think I figured it out. I wasn't really living... so I always thought I was going to miss out on something.

I have come to an understanding with myself that time is a beautiful gift. We must each accept this gift and use it wisely.

When you child wants you to color with him, do it. When he wants to play a video game, you may stink at it, but play your heart out, it's only a game. When she wants you to paint her nails four different colors, do it. She is just expressing her lack of conformity. When they want pancakes for dinner and to stay up a little past bedtime to cuddle with you... Do It! Do not pass up one opportunity to create a memory with them.

Turn the music up and dance around the living room. Sing into the hair brush. Play dress up. Go on imaginative adventures. Go on real adventures.

Forgive... move on... fall in love... love with all that you've got... smile... laugh.... LIVE.

I know that....

2011-02-06T13:28:00.003-05:00

It is already hard enough for me to get the ability to go and talk to someone when I am feeling down. I am the one that everyone else goes to for whatever reason. You need someone to talk to- Call Manda. You need someone to make you laugh- Call Manda. You need someone to poke you in the eye because you're being a moron- Call Manda. You need ..... fill in the blank- Call Manda.

It is very rare when I go out on that branch looking for a smile or a laugh or an ear or that finger to poke me in the eye. I never ever really felt that I should be able to lean back when others were leaning on me.

This past week was a very bad week for me. Through it all, I offered to do the Chicken Dance for a friend who was bummed and feeling down, offered a listening ear, a congratulatory high five, a funny story and a helping hand. Once I was done helping or being there for others I was too tired to even be there for myself.

Friday night I reached out and hoped for even just someone to listen. I miss my kids. I miss them so much it is making me unable to function. My brain isn't on the levels that it needs to be for work or home or anything. I broke down and cried for a few hours Friday night. It hurt but felt like a nice release at the same time.

I talked to a couple of friends and my sister. Then the next day I thought maybe if I keep talking about it, it may help me to feel a little better. You know, since that is what every one says. Boy, EVERYONE IS WRONG. Not only did I not feel any better after talking to people, I felt worse. Now I wasn't only sad and disheartened; I was angry and bitter.

I am pouring my heart out, crying to people (which I do NOT do often, if at all). Telling them how I feel so lost within myself. That I know I am thinking like a complete fool... but I feel miserable and guilty of not being with my kids 24/7. The response was not one I needed at that moment.

A slur of, "Really, Manda! You are being silly." "Would you rather still be in a loveless miserable marriage?" "What is wrong with you?" "Do you want your kids to see you unhappy?" the list goes on. I couldn't explain anymore how I knew all of those things. I am not a complete moron. I know that I am in a better place. I know I made the right decision. I know I know I know I know... that is all I had in response to each and every one of them! It only got worse when I was asked a day or so later, "Are you over your silly little mood?"

OH MY GOODNESS!!! REALLY?!?!?!?!

Because I am always whining and complaining about every single little thing (complete sarcasm). I was shocked! I don't expect to receive Gandhi Wise advice or support. Hell, just someone to listen to me cry and yell and whatever... Someone to say, You will be alright.

I guess that is what happens when you seek for a shoulder to cry on or a back to lean against, from some one that has no idea what you are going through or how you are feeling. It isn't easy feeling like this, alone.

It will get easier. I know that. I will be ok. I know that. My kids will be ok. I know that. I just will have some downward slides every now and then. I know that. You will slip along the way up the mountain. It is inevitable. I know that.

Wasn't there a light at the end of that tunnel???

2011-02-04T20:31:00.002-05:00

I have found myself feeling overwhelmed. So very overwhelming. I feel myself falling. Falling so fast. Out of control. Misguided. Lost.

I try so hard to maintain the happy-go-lucky personality everyone sees. When someone sees even the slightest strain in my eyes or on my face... I get so many questions about what's wrong and the you are always happy, you must be tired.

I can be logical. I know the right way to think... I know that the way I have been thinking is ALL illogical. I know that I am just so... weak right now.

I struggle every moment of every day that I am not with my kids. I can't take it. I can't stand not being with them. I hate not seeing them the moment they get home from school. I HATE not being there every night for bed time.

I have realized that I no longer care about anything. I noticed it the other night. I came home from work and laid down on the couch. I didn't move after that until I woke up and went to bed. I don't cook for myself or really eat anything when the kids aren't here. I have lost all drive to find motivation for anything.

It is so hard for me to admit that I am incapable of something. It took me YEARS to finally admit defeat on my failed marriage. I mean, really!? I am embarrassed that I allowed myself to be humiliated over and over again by him. Yet, it took me forever to grasp that there was nothing I could do. That my next course of action would be to tear the life my children knew to shreds. Make them start all over again. Oh, he was willing to stay married. WHY? Because I was home doing what a wife and mother was supposed to do, while he went out and poked everything he could. So he could treat me like crap and make me believe it was my fault. For years I had everyone convinced everything was fine. I was dying a little more and more everyday.

I finally made that HUGE move and did what I needed to do in order to start anew. I know the path I am on is the one I need to take. I know I am going the right direction. No, I am not willing to retrace my steps.

I have made some amazing new friends and have really started to be Manda again, not just Mommy. I think is what is making it so difficult for me to deal with. How can I let that happen? How can I not be Mommy all the time? How can I find a reason to smile when I'm not with my kids?

I know that I want to teach my children the importance of relationships with other people. All relationships. I want them to see the importance of a true and awesome friend and how to be one as well. I want them to see the connection sisters and brothers have with one another. I want them to see the love that can be shared between a couple. I want them to learn about love, acceptance, respect, trust, and companionship. I want them to see happy times and the support that is given during difficult times.

I know that by my actions with them from this point on, I can and I WILL teach them all of these things. They will see friendships new and old grow and strengthen. They will see how close and important family is. They will see that when two people are in a committed relationship they both feel important and loved and respected and they will want to grow to be able to involve themselves in relationships equal to that.

I can have logical thoughts, I know they are there. It's the illogical ones that are more powerful. Ugh... I really need out of this funk!!!!!

Innamorata

2011-01-31T23:17:00.003-05:00

I guess you can say that I do miss being a part of a relationship. I have been doing some serious thinking and no longer smashing down every emotion that comes to the surface. No, I am not looking for one. No, I am not swooning over anyone.

I notice the twinge I get when I see two people together... that awe... that oh, i miss that! hahaha... it is silly. I am not worried about ever finding anyone. I don't fret over it. I really am content where I am. I enjoy being just me!

Yet, there are those times when I do miss it. I miss saying good morning to someone. Or telling them good night. I miss that giggly butterfly feeling when I know I'm going to see them. I miss that feeling of being some one's somebody. If that makes any sense.

I am happy being me. I like being me! I think I'm pretty awesome... hahahaha.... Yet, I also miss being some one's babe, honey, sweetie... innamorata. I was called that once... A long time ago. That was the last time I was someone to somebody. The last time I felt so special. He was my tater and I was his gater. I know it's silly... but we were young.

No.... I do not long for that! I don't really long for anything. I just sometimes get a little lonely. I see all the movies with happy endings... I see people holding hands... I see the way people look at one another... It makes me smile for them! I makes me happy for them. It gives me a little feeling of wishing I had that.

So, I was laying in bed... trying to go to sleep. Needing to get rid of this headache that just keeps making a come back when I thought about "Innamorata". I haven't heard this song in YEARS. I used to play it over and over again... It is just such a beautiful song. My Dean Martin CD is missing... it's like it just disappeared into thin air. I have had no luck finding the damned thing online anywhere and now I can't sleep because I just keep singing the one word over and over again in my head! So that is where this post came from... my random thought processes can bring on the strangest of things!

I truly do kill me! hahahahaha

Paths

2011-01-26T18:49:00.003-05:00

Many times a path is shown and many times the traveler just passes by. The path is winding and jutted with obstacles. The path is not the easiest to travel. Many times the traveler just looks at it in wonderment. Longing to one day be brave enough to travel down that path.

Each day the traveler journeys down the open clean path. Although the end result is the same. The path is clear and the one could see from the beginning to the end. The vicious circle bringing the traveler back to the beginning.

Then to take another look at the path never taken. The path filled with speed bumps and road blocks. The path with an unforeseen ending. The path that will take the traveler on many adventures and filled with promises of sun shining days and guarantee of cloudy rain storms.

The path the traveler knows will need time and patience, love and compassion, and the willingness to become a part of the path not just a foot stepping here and there to avoid the ruts. The traveler must be willing to become a part of the path and not just one passing along to reach the end.

Are you my mother?

2011-01-25T16:35:00.002-05:00

There is nothing more satisfying than being a mother! I am a greedy selfish woman when it comes to my children. I truly can't get enough of them. I love watching and listening to everything they do! The way they observe everything. The way their minds work.

The moment I found out I was pregnant with my first child I was terrified. I had no idea what I was going to do or how in the world to take care of a baby. I did everything by the book. I stopped eating anything that wasn't 100% healthy, cut out all caffeine- including chocolate, I made sure that I was the perfect incubator for that little life growing inside me. Then he was born, a healthy baby boy! It was like God created me to be his mother. That it was my sole purpose... to be a mother!

Then I was pregnant with my second wonderful gift. This time my health wasn't the best (I guess that having a little girl does that to me). I ate what I could keep down, but made sure that I was still taking care of myself. She was a healthy beautiful little girl and the routine for being a mother of two just set in. I knew just what to do and how to make it work.

My third pregnancy was one filled with fear. I had two hands! Two hips! Two legs! How in the world was I going to take care of 3 of them? Would I have enough love for all of them? Then my third little bundle of perfection was born and this mother just knew what to do. Each day was a lesson and I kicked it's butt!

I am now the mother of a 5, 6 (almost 7) and 10 1/2 year old. I enjoy being a mother 100%!!!!! I know it sounds greedy of me but I want more. I want to have another little baby to love and help grow. I want to have a huge family!

I'll be there...

2011-01-18T23:20:00.002-05:00

Just a little something.... I know (and thank God) that my kids don't read this, but this is a little something for them!

I have never been more complete or ever in my lifetime happier than I am being YOUR mommy! I wake in the morning knowing that I get to see your smiling faces and hear you sweet voices. To know that I am going to be blessed with your giggling and your whining; your arguing and your inquisitive questions; your sleepy little yawns and your whispered murmurs.... I know I will be blessed to help mold you into the amazing person you will each grow to become.

God has given me the wonderful opportunity to teach you and guide you each along your paths. I know that even though our road may be bumpy and we can't always travel in the direction that looks the easiest, I will be by your sides, holding you little hands in mine. Every year you grow older and stronger... I will still be there holding your hand and carrying you when you need me to the most.

I'll be there every step of the way. When you want me there, when you wish I weren't there, when you need me the most and when you just need to know I am there to get through. I will be there to protect you. I will be there to pick you back up with you fall. I will be there to teach you to have faith in yourself. I will be there to teach you to have faith in others.

As your mommy, I know there will come a day when you will be ready to leave my side. Yet, know this... a mommy's job is never done.

I love you, my three little monkeys!

Shock therapy??

2011-01-12T23:19:00.002-05:00

You ever have that urge to write yourself a letter to read years down the road? I know a ton of things I would like to say to me... I would like to wring my own neck sometimes. Maybe my dear friend had a wonderful idea after all, some shock therapy! hahahaha... YES, completely kidding on that one.

I would and have given friends advice on my many issues at hand... while walking away knowing I should practice what I preach. Yet, I never do!!!

Maybe one day I can be wise and know what is what! Not what I want it to be.

Perfection!

2011-01-10T23:28:00.002-05:00

Today was the best day I have had in a long long time!!! It was just amazing! I swear it was like God heard I needed something good to happen.

Work went well... As usual! I was quite productive which was nice. I have been in a foggy cloud lately and it was nice to be back in the swing of things. After work was when it all fell together.

I went and picked my kids up for our trek to home. Kaleb in true fashion was out cold (unfortunately for both of us- there was no waking the boy-til he strolled out of his room after 10pm). We got home and Kyle, Cadence and I started dinner. We each had a part in getting dinner in the oven and on the stove. It was great having them work with me and together with each other. Then while I did a few little things around the house, the two of them flew through their homework til dinner. We each sat the table and were all ready for some yummy grub!!!

Dinner was a riot! I have a funny way about eating. I have always done it, have no idea why, but it has been pointed out to me over the years. When I eat I tend to greet my food with my tongue. That means I stick my tongue out to meet my food. If you have eaten with me and never noticed this... that was my choice! I won't let people see it because apparently I have gotten worse with it over time. During dinner the kids just sat there staring at me... Ya, know because I am radiant! hahaha Seriously, because they thought it was hilarious! Cadence says, "Mom, you do eat funny!" Kyle added, "Why does your tongue meet your food?"

Well, after they enjoyed cracking up laughing at me for a few minutes we continued dinner with funny conversations and craziness. They had me recording them doing silly things and I loved every moment of it! After dinner we cleaned up and Kyle and I finished his homework. He then went to play some xbox... yest before he did the 3 of us had a sit down with some super yummy ice cream! Then Cadence and I played cards... We are tied with wins right now! hahaha Kyle played some video games while Cadence insisted we fold and put away the 6 loads of laundry I had done. That sure went by quickly with my super special helper!!!

Bedtime came and down they went with out a hassle! They went down, Kaleb popped up! We snuggled and cuddled on the couch for a few before we got into bed to watch a movie and go to sleep!

IT WAS THE BEST DAY EVER!!!!!

I feel whole with them by my side...

2011-01-09T21:13:00.002-05:00

UGH!!! Today is the Sunday I get my kids back. It makes me so happy when they are with me. Yet, it so hard to handle when they don't show any excitement to see me.

It is almost as though they don't want to be with me. I know that sounds stupid and overreacting... But when every time the day comes for them to come home with me, they moan and whine and then Kyle has a mental melt down. Telling me how he hates it here, how I am ruining his life, how he only knows his dad's house and that is where he grew up so that is where he belongs.

I know it is hard for him. I know that he hates that I am doing this to him. I know he hates everything about this. I know I hate how much I am asking of him. I know I hate how as his mother I am causing him pain. I know I hate everything about this.

I never wanted for any of this to happen. I never asked to get married and find out my husband was a lying cheating bastard. I never asked to break the hearts of my children.

I tried everything in my power to get things to work, to make things easy for them. I finally realized that it would be better to close that book and create a new one. For them and for me! I couldn't continue to think I was nothing and have my husband disrespect me on every level possible and all while in front of them.

I know this is something I need to do everyday. Something that we all have to work through each and everyday. We will get there. I will learn that I am not nothing and that I can be amazing! They will learn that even though their mommy and daddy no longer live together they still love them crazy-like.

It is just so hard sometimes. I already struggle with getting out of bed when they aren't with me. I don't want to be like that. I feel whole again when they are by my side. I just want them to be happy.

what is wrong with me

2011-01-08T14:01:00.004-05:00

Hmmm... the fact that my brain has been on overload for the past several days, is just driving me mad with insanity. To track it back to when the nonstop onslaught of mind numbing insanity began was the other night when I had a "conversation" with someone about my negativity for relationships and my lack of trust in men.

I have created a veil in which I hide behind. One I pull up in order to cover what I am really feeling. One that shadows the fear, the pain, the want, the vulnerability. I try to maintain a level of composure to stay distant from things I have been hurt by before.

Negativity is not the proper term for what I think or how I feel about relationships... Fear is the proper word. I am absolutely terrified that I will find myself wanting to be in a relationship with someone. Do I want to? You have no idea how badly I do. I don't necessarily look at it as a fairy tale but something that is shared between two people that just makes them better people.

A lack of trust in men... well, that is pretty correct. Again, I am terrified to lay any level of trust in any man. I have built myself back up with the thoughts that I do not need a man to help me with anything. I can do it all, all by myself. I am trying to convince myself of a lie.

The veil has been created as a way for me to protect myself. That way, I can portray that I have no faith in relationships and that I have no trust in men or the possibility of something that could be wonderful. I have created this disguise in order to not let my vulnerability to be seen. I can explain it like this... When I get hurt again, I have made you believe from the beginning that I am so hardened that when you hurt me, you'd never see just how badly I was effected.

Although, no matter how hard I try it just doesn't always work. The worst part is having it happen when you least expect it.

I can't quite explain it... I just know it's there! A feeling of wanting to talk to someone, to want to spend time with them, share things with them. Know about their day as I talk about mine. Tell silly stories of my kiddos. Knowing that without a shadow of a doubt I trust him... ALL OF THAT TERRIFIES THE HELL OUT OF ME!!!

sigh

Black Cloud

2011-01-06T18:08:00.002-05:00

I have had a black cloud looming over me for awhile now. I had taken upon myself to just ignore it, see past it and embrace all the positives! That is until today!!!

I woke up feeling like utter death!! I didn't want to get out of bed: so tired- exhausted-whiny, achy, just feeling yucky! I got up and got ready, knowing that I need to embrace each day as it is, NEW! I picked Brian up for work and off we went. We even got Dunkin- SCORE!!!!

My brain was not in working order today. I have just been annoyed all day. Not sure why... just was. So, what should have been a nice day turned into a day of mass chaos within my own head. It was like holding down the channel button on the remote and watching each channel fly by at the speed of light. No thought was stable. I just couldn't concentrate. That was frustrating all by itself.

Add some annoyance of my ex who just knows how to piss me off! His ridiculousness had me so upset all I wanted to do was cry. Try answering a phone at work all chipper and happy like, when you are on the verge of tears. It is not easy... not easy at all!!!!

Well, I figured I would go and buy myself something... That usually helps. For a brief moment it did. Until on my way home my driver's side windshield wiper flew off like it was in a hurry to meet the ground. It only gets better from here...

I get in the garage and close the door... go into the house and put all my stuff down. I needed a moment to collect myself and being outside usually does the trick. I went out my back door for a breathe of fresh air. I intake some of the cold air around me and let the snow fall on my face and in my hair. It was a nice moment... until I tried to get back in.

Apparently, when you close my sliding glass doors, they just automatically lock. You got it!!! I locked myself out. My lovely keys were sitting on the nice warm counter in my kitchen. My front door locked up like Fort Knox. My garage door closed for the night and now me standing outside in my clothes from work, THANK GOD my coat and scarf. After realizing that I make sure all windows are locked every night, it dawned on me that I was screwed!!! I owe so much to my wonderful landlord who drove over to let me in.

Still trying to thaw out... I have realized that today my black cloud was tired of being ignored so it struck me in the ass with a jolt of lightening!!!

Welcome 2011

2011-01-02T20:04:00.003-05:00

A new year... new beginnings... the end to old... the start to new... the resolutions that most have already made have probably been broken.

I have made no resolutions this year. I have no desire to say or commit to something that I have not already chosen to do throughout the previous year. Everything I have done thus far has been decided upon without making a "resolution" to do so at the beginning of the year.

This past year... 2010: I turned 30 years old. My youngest little man turned 5 years old, my daughter is now 6 and my oldest... a HUGE 10! I have started my new life. I have become part of a company that I not only enjoy working for but wish to help it grow. I have made new friends and started many new beginnings!!! I have grown in so many ways. Everyday I choose to continue on this path.

Today I woke up... BITTER! ANGRY! ANNOYED! FRUSTRATED!

A combination of emotions that I am all to familiar with. A combination of emotions that I thought I had been able to free myself from a long time ago. Yet, a welcomed combination of emotions; so that I can continue to do for myself what I need to without placing myself in a situation where I am only setting myself up for failure.

I have been a pawn to so many others.... I have allowed others to treat me as they choose, without concern to me or my feelings... I have been tossed about like a rag doll to be mistreated and made to be a fool.

I had that combination of emotions to build myself a fortress to protect myself from the above. I was able to let go of the anger and frustration to be able to have happiness and joy and hope. However, it opened up a weak spot in my exterior.

I am going to continue to open my eyes every morning and take each day as it come at me. I will not allow obstacles to get in my way. I will not allow possibilities to crowd my thoughts. I will be me and hope it is all I need!

Will the random thoughts ever cease? I hope not!

2011-01-01T23:48:00.003-05:00

Am I really that big of a cynic when it comes to love? I mean, I listened to a song today, first time ever hearing it and really I cracked up laughing! I laughed so hard. I had to listen to it again a few times just to makes sure I heard the words correctly! OH MY GOODNESS!!!!

Alright, so I am a hopeless romantic! I want kisses in the rain and little surprises that tell me he loves me and cuddling under a blanket on a porch watching it rain and kisses when we see each after even a short time and dancing for no reason even with out music.... YES.. My pathetic list goes on. I call it pathetic because I don't believe any and I mean ANY of it will ever happen.

I am so tainted by the negativity of relationships that I can't even for a moment acknowledge that anything positive could come from one.

Last night at midnight while at my best friend's house... all the sappy couples locked lips the moment the clock struck twelve and that ball dropped! Me, I tipped my drink up and woohoo'ed the New Year!!!

I think I need to step back and just adjust to the world around me. Let in the possibilities that I am in fact correct and for me (not others-just me) love is a crock!

Why didn't I come with a rewind function??

2010-12-29T19:16:00.003-05:00

Where is the rewind button? Sometimes silence is the best way to go. In some cases, zipping your lips and forever holding your peace is what should be done.

When in the world did I forget these? When did I stop filtering the words that spew from my lips? I think this pressure cooker is filled to the max and things are just seeping out. But WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY did I have to allow those words to come from my mouth????

SIGH!!!

There is no way to hit a pause and rewind button. This is life! I wish that there was a way I could take it all back. A way to go back in time... oh man, that song just popped into my head! hahaha!

Where is my Delorean??? Where is my Doc??

Well... time to man up and be a big girl!!! Bring it on, world! I am ready to kick your ass!

is there something to learn here?

2010-12-26T17:26:00.002-05:00

When does trying to stay optimistic just become a pathetic attempt to believe in something that isn't? At what point does thinking positive create a negative effect on a person?

I like to believe that each story has a purpose. That each moment in a person's life has been created for a reason. I, however, can not figure out how some situations come into play and create a stir of emotions, feeling, thoughts, anxieties, and well... everything/anything... Without being able to provide a reason.

My marriage was to give me 3 amazingly beautiful children. My husband cheating on me was to show me I was in the wrong relationship. His ability to make me feel like nothing was to teach me that NO person should have that power and that I am a kick ass person! Starting over was to prove to myself that I am capable of anything. Making new friends was to teach me that living again is possible.

Now... I understand there is always a lesson to be learned. Yet what I do not understand is how or even why it has to be taught. I, also, am well aware that not every lesson will be taught with rainbows and unicorns.

Currently I am trying to figure out why I am feeling a certain way or how it has even come to this point so quickly. I have been so torn with not being able to put a reason behind it. How is that possible? There has to be a reason! There is a reason for everything! What is this reasoning?

I have gone back and forth, up and down, in and out, all around! There is a reason behind this is and if that reason is evenly remotely close to the one I keep coming back to... I would to know how that is possible! Especially with all factors being considered.

Holy mother of a 5 year old, Batman

2010-12-21T19:34:00.004-05:00

This time 5 years ago... 2005... I was a mother of a new bouncing baby boy... Kaleb Jason; 7 lbs 1oz 19 1/2in long. He had all ten fingers and all ten toes. The perfect lil' nose and beadiest eyes. The months leading up to the world greeting such a wonderful baby boy were crazy by far.

October 2005 Kaleb tried to shorten his stay in the lovely 98.6 degree all inclusive resort known as Château Mamma! With contractions and dilation taking place that, eager little bugger landed us a stay in the hospital. His sneaky stunt put me on bed rest for the next several weeks until it would be safe for him to come greet the world.

The next couple of months were uneventful for him and I, until we learned that his "due date" was moved up to Dec 17th instead of Dec. 25th. Well, this already momma of 2 wasn't going to allow him to done his birthday suit on Christmas.

The 19th came and went as did the 20th. We went to visit the midwife, where her and I decided that if this lil' bugger didn't make his grand appearance by the 22nd we would kicking him out. I went to bed that night, feeling pretty good!

OH NO!!! 5:26am I was awakened to some HORRIBLE pain. Not really time-able contractions, but damn it, if they weren't I was reaching in there and pulling him out by his legs. My screaming woke up his dad and he came into the room thinking it was time to get the others two ready for school.

We made it to the hospital at 6:00am on the nose and was sadly told on arrival that there was no epidural in my near future. No other pain meds either... I was in the worst pain imaginable and well I decided I could wait. He didn't have to come into the world just yet. Let me calm down and then I can get something to help with the pain.

Kaleb had other ideas. Kaleb said, SIKE... this all inclusive resort has become a boring stay and I am ready to moon you all!!!

The time was 6:29am and only 2 pushes passed, his slimy big head and little body came flying out to squawk at us all!

Oh the pain was unbearable but worth it on so many levels. Yes, I would do it again and again!!

Today, that slimy lil' ball of fire turned 5. 5 amazing years old and already full of his own shining personality!!!

I sure do love my Kabub!!!!

hmmmm.....

2010-12-20T18:24:00.002-05:00

I am going to be 31 in two short months. Now, I don't care about age. It is merely a number. To me it really doesn't mean much. Yes, I guess in some areas of my life (like planning for retirement-which doesn't often cross my mind) I should be more concerned with it, but well, I'm just not.

Yet, as my next birthday sneaks it's way into existence I have come to think of things that I once thought I would have accomplished by the time I was 30 or at least things I should have known about.

However, I am not where I had planned to be all those years ago! Am I unhappy about that? No! Yes, I was married and I do have 3 beautiful and amazing children. I was unhappily married for sure. I do not ever one day in my life regret the decision I made to move forward and free myself from a marriage that was slowly dragging me down.

However, being 3o, I figured if I didn't know it all, I would be pretty damned close to figuring it all out. WOW! Was I wrong!!! I am no closer to knowing anything about even the slightest something, than I was 10... 15... 20 years ago!

With age come wisdom... I want to meet the dope who came up with that!

disappointment or no

2010-12-19T01:41:00.002-05:00

Is it silly of me to have hope in something? That maybe just maybe after some time life can go in a direction that I want it to? I don't usually get the feeling that maybe just maybe... but it's there. Am I setting myself up for disappointment? I do have that tendency. Yet for some reason, I have this feeling.... AAAAAAAHHHHHH

Filled with Happiness...

2010-12-18T22:38:00.003-05:00

I am filled with the spirit of Christmas! Oh the joy and happiness I have coursing through my veins just makes me smile from ear to ear!!!

I ventured out to do some shopping... Always the last minute shopper so this is still early for me! haha... Well, I had expected to come across a hoard of angry bitter people, but I believe that the spirit is in us all! So many wonderfully polite people!

Well, even the little old lady walked up to me at the store and said, "Oh God Bless you honey! Three little ones and one on the way!" I just smiled and wished her a Merry Christmas as well. But really??? For starters I have been losing way... Secondly... I had a tiny little belly bump. That's it, just from having just having finished eating. Still find it funny!

I love shopping for gifts for others. I love to give! It makes my heart smile! I could have just kept on shopping all day and all night if it weren't for needing money to do so! hahahaha!!!

To top off my wonderful day of shopping, the kids and I are watching Jim Carrey's A Christmas Carol. I love this movie!!! A great night with my babies makes this mamma a happy lady!!!

Wake up sleepy, Jean...

2010-12-17T13:53:00.000-05:00

Dreams sure can really mess with the mind. I am prone to having nightmares which would explain why I would rather not sleep some nights. Last night I went to sleep thinking about how hungry I was and how I wanted food! I thought maybe, just maybe that would have been what I dreamt about… Boy was I wrong.

My night was filled with dreams that well, in all wonderful circumstances would have been AMAZING! I dreamt of things that I want out of life. A life of happiness, a man who would love me (without causing me pain), a loving home… Being in the house and he comes home to kiss me hello. Sitting in the backyard watching him play with our children, while I care for the newest little addition. Sitting together just talking about everything or just being in each other arms. A life of simple pleasures!

In today’s day and age, I am sure that all I long for is a mere fantasy… a storybook ending… the fairytale happily ever after. These things don’t usually take place any longer. They are just what they were last night, all a dream!!!

It is a lovely thought though. Thinking that you are so important to someone else, which makes me think of something another mom said the other day about her husband. (Why yes, yes I am random!) We were all talking about relationships and how we have been made to feel. I and one other mom are the divorced one of the group so we didn’t have pleasant stories to tell! Hahaha… Yet, the one mom said she loves her husband so much, but that she doesn’t feel like she is the most important person in his life. That when they had kids, she went from being number 1 to being 3^rd place in his heart. Everything revolves around them.

I tried to explain how many parents see things. That once you have children, yes things change. That is a given. Those tiny little babies consume your life. That the love for your child is so different than the love you have for your spouse. That maybe she should tell him that she needs just a little reminder here or there that he does in fact still love her.

Then I started to think… I am a single mom with 3 kids. Yes, one day I want to find my Knight in Shining Armor, not just some whack job wrapped in tin foil riding a donkey. When I do find him he will understand that the love for my children is strong and no matter what it always will be. As, a parent I know that if he were to have children of his own, I would never want to replace them in his heart.

Now that Bon Jovi’s “Keep the Faith” is playing over and over in my mind… I will keep the faith that one day I will find him and I can have that dream come true reality! (ok ok… now that I am done laughing at my own fantasy, I will be on my way)

I wanna hippopotamus for Christmas

2010-12-17T13:51:00.000-05:00

dated: December 16th...

I wanna hippopotamus for Christmas… Only a hippopotamus will do…. Yes, that was me singing! Hahaha… What else can you do when you come home after a long day at work, worried that your baby boy has been sick for 6 days, thinking that you need a vacation from the entire world (not without your kiddos) to find it is raining in your garage.

No, not raining men! That would have been an early Christmas present. Hahaha… It was raining. I sat in my car for a few moments trying to understand what in the hell I was looking at… what in the hell was going on and why there was what looked like a sprinkler system going off over a pool of water in the garage!

Well, after my initial shock, I got out of my car, almost slipped on the ice in my driveway (which by the way can’t be shoveled when you don’t own a shovel hahahaha) to go and venture into the garage and see why there is a rain forest scene in front of my eyes.

AH, SON OF A BITCH! Are you kidding me!?!?! A burst pipe. Damnit to hell! REALLY?!?!?!

Those were my thoughts! My poor mind… it is on over load!!!! After the week I have had: my sick bambino, my lack of sleep, playing catch up from missing work Tuesday afternoon, staying up late working from home, emotional stress, aaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!

There is a monsoon in my garage! OH SHIT… the house… I take off splashing through the mini pool in my garage to get inside. OH MAN!!! The floor is filled in the laundry room! OH FUDGE (you know that is not what I was saying) the walls! They are soaked!!! Oh sweet Jesus… how do I turn this off… who do I call… there is water everywhere.

I called the landlord, left him a message, which probably sounded like a baby monkey calling for its mother. I ran back inside to look around like a babbling buffoon to shut off the water. After what felt like an eternity did I find the valve (and on the 1^st try I must say) I shut that damned rain forest off!

My laundry room, the downstairs bathroom, and the garage filled with water. The walls are all wet and I am sure they will need to be replaced or risk mold.

I started singing some Bob Marley and then decided that Damnit, Santa better be bringing me what I want for Christmas!!!

lights, camera, NO action

2010-12-13T20:33:00.002-05:00

It sure has been awhile since I have posted often. This usually means I have so much on my mind that I have no where but here to spew it all out.

It is no secret that I am not a fan of allowing myself to cry. In fact I despise when I cry and when I can't seem to stop the tears from falling.

These past few days have been an all time low for me. I haven't been able to control my emotions any at all and really can't believe it. I know that there are times that feeling a certain way is what the body needs at that moment; yet, why can't I just protect myself ALL THE TIME!?

Damnit!

I have been questioning the genetic and moral making of men lately. How they can even been classified in the same species as women. Oh, please don't get me wrong... Women can be just as nasty and hateful and ignorant and stupid as any man any day... It's just that, why do men think the way they do?

Why does a man think it's ok to do or say some of the things he does? I am a firm believer of saying what you mean and meaning what you say. (You don't experience the things I have and learn nothing.) Also, the belief that actions speak louder than words.

A friend of mine and I have been having this conversation for months. She and I seem to always be in similar situations at the same time and all too often we have a story that involves the moronic behaviors of a man.

If you are going to "talk" to someone and tell them things that well are taken in a certain way, do not expect them to think you don't mean them. Even if you do mean them, don't say them if you can't act on them. Lack of action screams what you mean!

Trust me on that one! I was at fault for a lack of action years ago... And you know what... It sucked but I really couldn't be happier with the way things turned out. For all parties involved. When you choose a lack of action over what you are saying, you can be damned sure I can see right through you.

I know... women do this all the time... I am guilty of it and know many women who are as well!

Maybe i just need sleep... that might shut me up!

to smile or not to smile... that is the question

2010-12-12T11:48:00.003-05:00

Do you ever just have that undeniable urge to smile? Someone crosses your mind and you smile. There is no control... it just sneaks it's way across your lips and lights up your face. No matter how hard you try to fight it, it is just there.

Today, I have that uncontrollable urge. No matter what... no matter how many times I play through the possibilities... no matter how many times I tell myself to stop... The smile lingers.

No, I am not demented. I love to smile! It just makes me nervous knowing that someone else is the cause of my smile. (we are all aware that I am not speaking of my children... I can never smile enough because of them)

So the question is asked... Do I allow myself to be taken over by my smile or do I continue to protect myself???

Joint parties... maybe not the best idea

2010-12-11T22:04:00.003-05:00

My lil man is going to be 5 years old in just 10 days. Wow... I still can't believe he is going to be such a big boy! Where did the time fly?

Well, my ex and I decided that we were going to have a joint birthday party. We figured that since we were able to get along, our families should be able to commingle. Well, it was at his home (which used to be our home) and I was alright with that.

Let me start off with I am already an emotional wreck and have been for about a week now. So, the start of my day was terrible to begin with because I had so many things holding me up to get to the house to help prepare. By the time I did get there, everything was done. I lost it, break down of tears #1. I didn't decorate, I didn't cook, I did nothing. I was disgusted with myself.

I leave to go and pick up the cake and some balloons, and the moment I get in my car, I lose it again, break down of tears #2. I cry the whole way to the store, sobbing like a fool to my wonderful sis(inlaw). I go in get the few things left to get and get a call from my mom, asking how I was holding up. I start telling her how upset I am and that today is going to be tough, break down #3.

I clean my face get the cake and hit the road. Ok, I think... I have this out of my system now. I will be fine from here out.

I get back... waiting around for people to come. Damn it... must run to powder room for break down #4. OKAY! Now I have to be alright. People are coming! My mom gets there takes one look at me and just hugs me.

Ok, more people arrive... My ex's father... and his Aunt, and a few of his other relatives. What do you think happened next... Oh, well the ignorant individuals treated me as though I was non-existent. Yes, you read that correctly! They didn't even speak to me. After everything I have ever done for these people. The love I have given them and their family. I wasn't the one cheating!

Well, you guessed it break down #5. Outside I went. Better, in I went... to be told that MY dad called my ex to let him know he was going to be late. MY dad... sorry... yup break down #6. Now, I am just getting annoyed that I have cried so much in one day.

Well... fast forward and I will just say I cried about 4 or 5 more times. Over stupid shit, too!

I am just in shock over the way I was treated. I have never been so rude to people in my life. These were people I called my family! So.... the next few weeks and the holiday's are not going to be easy for me.

I am drinking entirely too much coffee and going to clean my house to prepare for being with my babies again!

What was i thinking...

2010-12-09T22:25:00.003-05:00

It's that not good enough feeling....

Broken and shattered

Pieces littered all around

Jagged and misshapen

Cutting deeper on each touch

A heart once beating

Only bleeding now....

I once felt that was all I would ever feel... Then I seen the light, the silver lining in life... then I decided to take a look back into my past. WTF was I thinking???

I haven't stopped crying... I haven't wanted to this time. The pain is too unbearable. Everything crashing on me and I just don't know what to make of it! I have been through enough, ya know! I thought I had spent enough nights in such horrid pain. It this why no matter what I do now, I can't seem to get past this fucking pattern? Is what happened, and what I did, what I hesitated on, the cause for what I live now?

Is this some cruel joke? I have Pandora on right now (don't know what it is- google it) every single damn song it killing me!

Such big plans for such young kids!! All these letters and pictures and promises and dreams and hopes and plans.....

I learned something... leave the past in the past!

9 days....

2010-12-07T18:17:00.003-05:00

I closed my eyes today... and the same image kept coming to mind. Have you ever had a day where you couldn't concentrate because you mind was running rampant with thoughts that have completely taken over??? I have been this way for the past two days now!

Yet, it has led me to think about something I hadn't in a really long time. I had the privilege of meeting an amazing woman years ago... I would say pretty close to 6 to 7 years ago. I had only met her that once, it was a chance encounter, we happened to be at the same restaurant one night.

It was not long after I had found out about him cheating on me again... and I was done... (hahaha-yeah right)! I was devastated because I just didn't know what was wrong with me. Why he didn't want me. Thinking back, thank god he didn't want me!

Well, she seen a look on my face and I confided in her. A complete stranger!! She was like a little angel sent down to be there for me at that moment. I told her my story and my pain. She hugged me, a total stranger... filled with compassion for this simple distraught girl.

She told me her first marriage ended that way. He was a lying cheating bleep bleep and she couldn't be made to feel like nothing anymore. She left him. They had no children so it was easier, but she struggled everyday with it. Then she told me (the part that sticks out the most) that she was done no longer living. She was ready to live again and stop waiting for life to do something for her.

She went on a trip and met a man. They were married 9 days later. 9 days!!! That was it. She said she knew by the end of that first night, she was going to marry that man. She said he told her the same thing, years later. When I met her all those years ago, she and her husband were married for 21 years. She told me she loved him more and more everyday. She also told me that no matter what, how terrifying something may seem, how bad you have been hurt in the past, and no matter how hard it is to do so... Do not ever stop living!!

I think about her every now and then, I remember her fondly. She was a shining star and to this day her story has given me hope that no matter what lies ahead, so long as I move forward without reservation, I will be OK.

I have had some whirlwind events take place recently that have me lost in thought. I can't come to a decision and I don't know in which direction I should travel. It is moments like these I realize how weak I am. How something can take told of me and I just let it.

I have two paths ahead of me... Which to take, I don't know. Either way, I fear pain will follow. Am I willing to take a chance... Absolutely!

The best kind... dysfunctional!!!

2010-12-05T21:18:00.002-05:00

I do believe I have had the best weekend EVER!!!

There is an indoor water park near Cedar Point; Kalahari. I have never been, and neither have my kids. Well, we went; along with 5 other families from Kyle's traveling soccer team. I couldn't have gone with a more fabulous group of people! We had the time of our lives!

I noticed this past weekend just how much Kyle has evolved. What I mean by that, is he has come out of his shell so much since he joined this team. I seen a change in him, a change that as a mother I am thrilled!

He participates and laughs and plays and is noticeably happier! Not only was this a great trip, but it was also something that he needed. He has a collection of brothers!!!

I sat back today and watched him... watched him hanging out with the boys! It was the best thing I have ever seen. I also realized how each of us, moms, have another 12 kids to love... along with their brothers and sisters! We are one giant dysfunctional family... The best kind!!!

One proud Mama!!!!

2010-12-03T21:29:00.002-05:00

I took the kids to dinner tonight! Kyle and I were discussing how his one friend isn't the best influence and I was informing him of the things he will lose if he shows any signs of acting like this boy he is friends with. Kyle mentioned how this boy is always lying and well Cadence chimed in.

She mentioned that a lot of her friends also lie. She told me her bestest friend lies all the time. She said to me, "Mommy, she lied today! She kept saying that she is stupid!" I asked her if that is what she said.

She told that she looked at her friend and told her, "You are not stupid! You are very smart!" Cadence told me it made her sad that her friend thinks she is stupid. She doesn't know why should would ever say it, but she has talks with her to make sure she knows that she is not stupid. She even told me that she brings in another friend too... so that they can both tell her.

It made me so proud to be her mother... I am proud to be the mother of all three of them!!!

to take it all away....

2010-11-28T23:53:00.002-05:00

It's nights like tonight that makes it the most difficult time for me as a mother. All you mothers and even you fathers out there, will know what I mean! It is just so hard to want to be able to go in and mend your child's broken heart!

My oldest is 10 going to be 11 in June. He is having the most difficultly with his parents' divorce. He tries to stay strong for all around. He is very much like me in that sense, he hates to cry. Tonight, he came out of bed a few times and I just knew there was something wrong... I knew he was upset. About 10 minutes after I asked him if he was okay, he came back out crying his little hazel eyes out.

He curled up on my lap and cried and sobbed and sniffled and gasped in air... he let it all out!!! I just held him. As his mommy, I did all I could to not cry. I must stay strong for my boy! I held him and let him go! He finally started to calm down and let me know, he just didn't think he would ever get used to this. Then he cried on some more. I held him for at least a half and hour.

We talked a little about his sadness and that it is perfectly normal! No matter what he can always come to me if his feelings get to be too much!

We are both laying in the living room on the couches watching The Wizard of Oz! He is doing better, but still upset!

I just want to take away all his pain and sadness!

Have I failed them again...

2010-11-22T17:37:00.002-05:00

Have a in some way failed them again? That is the question I keep asking myself. Last night I took my babies to their dad's. When I dropped them off for the first time, I was a blubbering fool, crying so hard my face hurt, sobbing so loudly I startled myself, and so many tears.

The feeling of curling into the fetal position and staying that way for days.... it was all i could think of. That first time, I knew that a day would come when I would go and drop them off and not get that vomit feeling. That made me cry even more.

Each time has been very difficult but then.... Then I took them to their dad's last night. Last night, I did NOT want to throw up, I did NOT want to curl into the fetal position, I did NOT cry my eyes out. About half way home, I realized that I was OK... feeling OK, made me cry, want to crawl into bed and not come out, and cry my eyes out.

I was thinking about it again today on my way home from work and again started to cry. (I am not a fan of allowing myself to cry)

Does this make me a terrible mother? That is what I keep asking myself over and over again.

That look...

2010-11-16T22:18:00.002-05:00

I saw something today... something, I thought I had all but almost given up on. I saw a husband look at his wife with pure love in his eyes. The way he looked at her was beautiful. It wasn't just a one time look... He had that look in his eyes every time he placed them on her.

Oh, the hopeless romantic in me was clawing to the surface. I am naturally a people watcher. I love to see the way people talk to others, walk, behave, treat others, you name it I love to study people! I think that could be why I have an increased amount of cynical tendencies!!

Yet, I have seen him look at her that way everyday I have seen them together. It could be first thing in the morning, middle of the day, or in the evening after a long day at work. It gives me hope that maybe just maybe my "look" is still out there!

nope... nada... no more

2010-11-14T14:12:00.003-05:00

I am really truly trying to maintain my calm! I don't believe I have much left in me after this week.

This past week did not go at all in any way how I may have ever imagined! I don't think any normal prediction could have been given that would have had last week play out the way that it did!

Someone I truly care about it being harmed by someone who claims to love him. It breaks my heart that this person who claims to love him would be so degrading and place him in such a horrible place!!!

It is far more detailed, but pointless to beat this dead dog! However, today....

Today, I have had a pretty relaxing day! It has been nice and quiet, and I have been expecting my kids to be dropped off for a few hours now. Last week, their dad took them around 12noon ... okay, that's fine... but then when i expect for him to drop them off around 3 today, I get nothing. I call him and he says Oh I thought you were going to pick them up. GRRRR.....

Now the conversation earlier when he told me he was going to bring them over after their running around... I am so tired and frustrated with being taken advantage of. I am tired of sitting back and being a doormat!

Nope... Nada... NO MORE!!!!

sigh....

2010-11-08T20:29:00.003-05:00

Today has been harder than most days. I feel out of sorts! I know what my issue is... I miss having a baby. A little tiny new born baby! I miss being pregnant. I miss the way I feel when I am pregnant. I miss the big round belly, the baby moving, the little feet pushing out the side, the way I would ache with feet in my ribs! I miss the moment I know that baby is coming (yes the pain is killer, but you don't think about that)! I miss seeing that slimy lil' mess the moment he or she is born. The swollen face and wispy cries. I miss holding that tiny helpless baby in my arms... feeding that lil baby for the first time.

I miss holding that little baby... I miss changing diapers delicately and ohhh that fresh new baby smell!!! hahaha

I know i know... I have 3 perfectly wonderful children! I know I don't want to seem greedy... but I do want more children.

I want to one day be in a great relationship where I feel just amazing and not shitty! I want to believe that one day I will have the things I want. They are not material things, they are wonderful things. They are love and trust and caring and a partnership and a man who not only respects me but loves life! A man who sees the world a bright greens and blues and sun shiny yellows!!! A man who holds my hand and my heart!

One day I want to be able to have a baby! One I can protect while growing in my belly, one I can hold in my arms and sing lullabies too... I know I will be out of this crazy baby fever!!!

sigh....

The beginning

2010-09-18T21:39:00.001-04:00

I have been with out the internet for awhile and will still be without it until I get the company out at my house next week. However, I have been writing little things here and there to keep myself sane.... Here are the two little things I have jotted down...

9/16/10

I am finally in my bed with my kids in theirs. This is a whole new process we all have to learn. It is so hard for them. It is so hard for me. I just feel like I have failed them miserably. That this mommy just hasn’t been able to do for them like they need. I know that where I am is better for them in the long run, but my heart still breaks when they are not with me.

It absolutely kills me when I know they really don’t mind not being with me, but the second their dad is away from them they flip out and meltdown. They have to call him a million times and whine about not being there and ugh!!! It feels like they are ripping my heart to shreds piece by piece.

I can’t tell them that. It would be hurtful to them. I wouldn’t want them to feel sad.

9/17/10

Well, it is truly a process. I know that and it is moving along nicely. Yet, I know that is will be hard again when they are at their dad’s. I spoke with a friend of mine who has been in a similar situation. He and his wife got divorced and they do shared parenting. He is an AMAZING father and I know that he would be able to give me some advice. I just needed to know that it was going to get easier. Everyone I have talked to tells me it will easier-NONE of them have been where I am right now, none but him. He made me feel better by telling me that although it may get a bit easier to deal with it will never be normal. A parent just can’t get used to being away from their kids. Crazy thing…It just made me feel better. Weird I know!! But it makes sense.

I got to have the kids for 3 nights… just like they were away from me for 3 nights. We will go back and forth for a bit until it is every other week. I am sure I will have heart failure during those times.

I will get through this… I know I will. I just keep telling myself- Just keep swimming, just keep swimming….

1 trip and the world knows

2010-09-14T22:53:00.002-04:00

I can't say i am the world's greatest person, FAR FAR from it... but i can say that I am a pretty damn decent person.

Yet, one slip up... that i try to make sure i do behind closed doors: literally; and it's like i personally spit in the face of many people.

I guess it doesn't matter that a person has a bazillion different things going on... just that for a split second they cracked and let a slight leak spew from the granite dam.

Next time I have a lapse of judgement moment, I will ensure your feelings aren't injured. God forbid, my tears annoy you!

...

2010-09-13T12:44:00.004-04:00

Time has flown and summer is gone... School has started and my mind is still whirling from the hundreds of things that I have done, am doing and still needs to be done. I can't seem to get a grip on life these days.

There are times where I am completely lost and really can't seem to find my way out of the paper bag. The opening keeps closing letting in only a crack of light

I have been going through so much lately that I don't know how I stand on my own two feet most days.

I cried like I never cried before. I cried with huge tears and massive sobs. This outburst caused a panic attack and an asthma attack all at once. I had to go to my house for the 1st time alone... with out my children. I wanted to die. I have failed my babies and there they were safe with their daddy, but not with their mommy.

I am void of emotion today. An automaton just going through the programmed motions of the day. Knowing to slap on a smile when necessary to avoid the unwanted "Manda, you OK? you don't seem yourself today" questions.

I have no appetite though I made myself eat. I feel empty but with slight excitement to see my sweet chipmunk's faces after work. It is all that is keeping me going right now.

How did I not think it would kill me this much?

It is all falling into place

2010-08-15T12:15:00.002-04:00

It is all falling into place. One step at a time...

I received the keys to my house this past week and started the moving process. The kids have been able to see the house and they love it! They really do!! It makes things so much easier that they like the house and are excited about it.

We painted their rooms and hopefully soon I will have their beds in there also. I got some of the stuff in there as well this weekend. It is great how smoothly things are going. My anxiety is shrinking (for the time being) but my excitement is growing.

I know that a divorce is not a usually a joyous occasion, but after working towards this for so long, it has become a release of such stress. I actually just explained to a friend of mine the other night that I know how he feels (he is in a similar situation) and that although he feels heavy and filled with burden there will come a time he will be free and light. It will be an amazing release and you will feel like you can fly.

I am looking forward to going to my house again today...

I should have know...

2010-08-07T21:45:00.004-04:00

Today was an absolutely wonderful day! A day that, well, just was prefect!

The company I work for has many client appreciation events. Today we put together a Bocce Event at the MVR. For starters I have never been the to MVR AND.... it is in downtown Youngstown.... Which I drove to ALL by myself (well, Kyle was with me)... I got there and didn't even get lost!!!! Hahaha!! Score 1 for me!!!

Well, like I popped in Kyle came with me. I was so excited to have him just him, come with me. We don't get to do much together, just the two of us. We had a great time. I was able to meet a few more of our clients and get to spend time with those I have met before.

I really, honestly, can't say enough.. Just how much i LOVE MY JOB!!! hahaah

Kyle and I had a blast while at the Bocce event. Let's not forget to mention that it was a total success. It went off without a hitch!!!

On our way home I drove past the house I will be moving into next weekend. I talked to the people that will be, I guess you could say, my landlords and they said it was all ready! When I drove past the roof was cleaned, the house looked amazing, and yard was really cleaned up (the the landscaping), the driveway was redone, and they even put in a new fence. The fenced in the backyard! AMAZING!!!! They put in all new appliances!!!

Today, I feel relaxed. Completely at ease! I haven't felt this way, in well... A really REALLY long time! My Jennie found me a great couch and love seat for super cheap and she is also able to get me some dressers.

I can't forget to mention all of the great support I have from my friends... YOU ARE ALL AMAZING!!!!!!

Baby steps will get me to where I need to be.. and I won't get there any sooner than when I am supposed to be there!!!

Well, not back to my relaxing Saturday night!!!

lost...

2010-08-01T14:32:00.003-04:00

I haven't really been myself in awhile. I mean out of the norm not me! I have so much going on, I just feel like my life is spiraling out of control. I have no time to sit down and take it all in. There has been so many things going on that I have been involved in that I just don't even know where to begin or end... hell where is the middle point to it all?

As many of you know I am currently in the process of getting divorced. It has been a long time coming and I truly am excited to begin a new chapter in my life. I have a house set up to move into, I move in a couple of weeks. I have a great job that I am now full time in and I just love the people that I work with. I am slowly getting to where I need to be!

This summer is almost at it's end and I feel as though it had just begun. That only a few days ago my kids were done with school and we were planning our fun summer days. Recreational soccer is OVER... I can't believe that it is already over! The 4th of July has come and gone... and today is the first day of August. Where did it all go?? Where did all the time disappear to?

My sister decided to get married in Las Vegas this July! I was sooo excited for her to be getting married and I was thrilled I was going to get the chance to experience Vegas. It was the best time I have had in a while! I didn't let one thing bother me while there. I kind of just went along with the rhythm and flow of the city that is just SO alive! This amazing city just has it's own heartbeat. One I was able to get in sync with. I was alive in this city and it carried me on it's wings.

Two of my children played soccer this summer and they were fantastic!!! Both of them held second place over all for the season and I am so proud of the effort and determination they put forth in playing each game! My oldest has now decided he truly enjoys the sport and will continue on into a traveling competitive league this fall! The excitement is running through us all. Although the season was a wild and crazy ride of most weeks being at the fields 4 of the 7 days a week for many hours, I miss it. It ended so quickly and I feel I wasn't even there. I was, though, I was there for each game!

My best friend has decided that after many years of being engaged it was time for her and her fiancée to get married this fall. Many of the girls in her bridal party are from out of the area and with a family that is involved with a food stand in many fairs and other festive activities it was a chore to plan around everything. Yet, I was able to pull it all together. Her shower was amazing as was her bachelorette party. Great fun with great ladies!

Let's not forget the studying that I must do each day to get ready for a Series 7 exam for work. Passing this exam will bring me a new title for work and it will bring me more confidence that I can accomplish anything I set my mind to.

As well, as the many events that are taking place with work right now; I have begun to find myself lost!

Lost inside a person who hasn't stopped moving... Stopping scares me at this point! The momentum is weak right now, but it is there. If I stop, I am terrified I will be motionless again. I fear I will become dormant and stationary.

I have a whole new life ahead of me and nothing! Nothing at all! With no means of getting anything that I need. So many unforeseen expenses this summer has caused the savings I had created to diminish and dwindle away to nothing. With each event that I have coming to me I will only be making it even more difficult to afford anything that I need.

I have never been one to worry about money or anything that even falls in that category. Why is it now that I can not seem to get past it.

I have so many thoughts that have bombarded my head, I can't think straight. I can't think in any direction at this point.

I have lost sight of being a mother. I feel that I have barely even seen my children in the past couple of months. That I am merely a figment to them. A shadowy mist of what was once their loving always there mother.

As most of you know, I despise allowing myself to cry. It makes me feel weak and unable to do what needs to be done. It makes me feel less of a person. However, I have begged for the release of tears recently to help eliminate some of the pain and frustration and hatred I have towards myself.

I am lost and I don't know where I am... please help me find myself!

Life is tricky!!

2010-05-03T15:13:00.002-04:00

I only have one thing to say...

It is an amazing feeling to be able to feel a flutter in my chest again! The kind of flutter that lets you know you are still alive. The kind of flutter I never thought I would feel ever again... the kind that I had decided to never let happen again.

I LOVE IT!!!

Let's help Cadence to reach her goal!

2010-04-27T21:56:00.002-04:00

My daughter had recently found a new joy in her life... Jump Roping! She loves it....

Everyday she sings a new jump rope song... and we have to see how many kisses we are getting or she just makes me count the number of jumps she does! It is a funny little thing watching her jump like a wild jumping bean!! I LOVE IT!!!

Well, her school has a program going on teaching the kids about their heart and how it works and how to take care of it.

The program is Jump Rope for Heart! Her goal at this time is to reach $50.o0 in donations...

http://honor.americanheart.org/site/TR/JumpforHeart/JRFH-GRA?px=2167092&pg=personal&fr_id=1281

Please click the link above and donate to help her reach her goal for helping others learn about their hearts and how to take care of it!

Thank you!!!

Complete 180 WHAT?!?!?!

2010-04-20T00:39:00.003-04:00

So today I got the chance to talk to a friend... that person let me see that my ridiculous train of thought was just that.. RIDICULOUS!

Now, that talk... or maybe the 2 hour hot bath I took today may have been a combination of the two.... really has allowed me to be smile from ear to ear.. I actually think my whole body is smiling at this point.

I just feel that what my friend said about living in the moment... and staying out of the past and not looking at the future... but staying in the moment... and well getting the hell out of my head... makes pure and total sense.

I am going to start staying in the moment... and when my brain decides to have something negative to add (depending on what it is of course) I will just flip that switch and keep smiling!

Thank you!!!!

random ramblings of the broken hearted!

2010-04-18T22:38:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I allow myself to get ahead of where I really should be going. I think that I really need to have a buffer between me and the rest of the world. A filter of sorts!

I think sometimes I am just too ready to jump into some things without fully thinking them through. Don't get me wrong... I know the type of person I am... I know what I am capable of, but I guess there are times when a small part of me escapes the sanity I try to maintain, she just runs a muck. Causing way too many issues for me to handle.

My heart is a weak object... I tend to keep it under lock and key since it is so tattered that really I don't think it can take much more... but it beats stronger than I really know sometimes. It tries to reach out every little chance it gets to grab a hold of something that gives it the slightest hope.

Yet, there is that part of my mind that takes hold it that tiniest wisp of hope and says, Hey... calm down... we will get there one day! Don't rush it!

I have been so ready for the life I am heading to... I have been dreaming of it for years. I have been longing for it... I think that is why I end up getting ahead of myself.

I like to think I am a strong woman... one who can take care of herself.... one who can hold her own... one who can take care of her children... one who can hold the weight of the world while wearing my heels and smiling with the best of them... one who doesn't need anyone to hold my hand... one who doesn't need anyone to lean on.

I try to strive to be that person. I know I am capable of it, I know I can do it... Hell, I am already doing most of it. But that heart of mine tries to weaken me with each day. It tries to get me to believe that I am going to need someone by my side.

That is when I remind myself, that no matter what... I know what happens when you allow someone to stand by you... I know what happens when I open my heart to some one else... I know what happens when I let my guard down... I get hurt!

Tonight I was sitting thinking that maybe my heart had a really good idea... I was feeling really good about it too... but then Logic set it! I am so not going to let my heart lead my way. My mind has not be broken... It is stronger and can keep me on my feet.

I know how that may sound... pretty harsh! Well, it you have ever put your WHOLE self into a relationship and only been dropped repeatedly... or even opened yourself up to someone else... only to be dropped... and then opened your self up once again to be dropped... or maybe your first encounter with someone ended in distrust... You tend to see a pattern.

I used to think that maybe that it was me... and then I thought, no it is them... but hey who keeps letting them in... ME!!! The problem is with me... The "someones" I let in are the ones that hurt me... but I let them in.

So... problem solved.... Guards up... Never to be let down... Ensuring.... I will never be dropped again!

So, does that mean I won't feel "special".... maybe... but that is far safer than ever feeling hurt again! My heart can't take it anymore.

When someone tells you that you are special to them...or at least leads you to believe that... look at their actions... actions are far louder than words... that is your first sign of knowing just how "special" you really are!

Get ahead of the rest... know what you are up against before you decide to open up and let down that guard... that is my new motto... at least for now.

Who knows... I may have just not met that someone yet! That someone that just won't drop me... that someone who will be there when I do fall and be there when I am walking tall! I guess there is still some hope! Good to know!

So far so good!!!!

2010-03-18T21:16:00.002-04:00

Oh... Buddy!!!!

Today is the third day of my new job. YES! You heard that right!!! My NEW JOB!!!! I got my new job at Bury Financial. I started on Monday where I worked a half day. This is the position I spoke about previously in my last blog or so.

I was so excited when Todd called to tell me that I got the job. Too bad when he called he totally had me fooled into thinking that I was not chosen. His tone of choice was all down and bummed out sounding, as though he was going to give me bad news. Did he have me fooled!!! I started to jump up and down the second he told me that the decision was unanimous and that I was wanted to join their team!

That weekend I went out and purchased some new clothes. I purchased some new items to wear to work. Oh, how I love to shop, especially for the type of attire needed for work!

Well, I started my job on Monday! It was the best half day I ever had! Then I just couldn't wait until Wednesday to go back to work. Crazy I know it!!!! Then I went back yesterday, and again it was a fabulous day.

There are NOT many jobs or companies out there to work for, like the one I was EXTREMELY lucky to have become a part of. I feel truly blessed to have been given the opportunity to work there and with such wonderful people. I plan to continue to prove myself worthy of such a chance to be a part of this team! I also, actually, FINALLY look forward to going to work!

WOOHOO!!!!! Like I said.... My 30's will be FABULOUS!!!!! So far so good!

who you talkin' about

2010-03-08T10:29:00.002-05:00

So, I woke up this morning with full intentions of returning out to a work out routine. For starters, I have been wanting to get my lazy ass back in gear... but see the thing with us lazy folk... WE ARE LAZY!!!! hahahaha!

Last night I had the strangest dream (like that is out of the ordinary). It wasn't a nightmare (WOOHOO!!!) It was just odd in so many possible ways. No I am NOT on any hallucinogens! Well, all I can say is I was at some funky fundraiser with a DJ (who was hot by the way-haha) and there were weird bicycle races and children's book littered all over the place. Well, in that dream I was in shape and flexible again! WOW! Right!?!? That wasn't the whole dream I would be admitted for sure, if I went into further detail.

Well, I woke up this morning and started thinking... Man, I haven't been able to do half of that since my back injury last summer. The problems I had with my back will tighten up most of my leg muscles and on top of that, I became even more stationary. Let's not forget, my hips decided to not be able to move like they once did too! Becoming all too statuesque! Not what I am wanting here.

So this morning, I got up and decided to do some little stuff... I did well over 4000 steps, and 75 crunches (hey that's a lot for the lazy), and some serious stretching! I will be able to get these legs and hips moving the way the once did... or at least some what!

OK... so while working out I listen to music... One of the most wonderful things ever! Music was just the greatest invention EVER!!! (and I just sang ever out loud while I typed it hahahaha!)

Anywho... listening to music helps me to think! I started thinking about all of the inner demons I have been battling lately. We all have demons, but my demons are some pretty scary creatures with gnarly teeth and dirty sharp claws! Don't ask!

I know I am the not best of people... I know I can be a pretty shitty person... I know I can and have made some pretty bad decisions in my life... I know that as my life continues, I will continue to make some pretty bad decisions.... I know I will sit back and justify them to myself... and I know that after awhile, I will bury them deep enough to be able to look at myself in the mirror again.

Then I started to think... who labels what is good and bad? In whose eyes are the actions that I perform good or bad? Now, please don't make me have to go into full on explanation here, but understand that I do not speak of horrible things such as violence or abuse in any definition of the terms.

Oh... well... quick update... I went on a job interview... The first one was two weeks ago. I left the office feeling quite confident in my interviewing abilities and felt I "NAILED IT" and well low and behold, I must have because two days later, they called me back to schedule for a second interview. I had that interview last week, and while there, I was in a conference room with the President, Vice President and Office Manager... talk about intimidating RIGHT!!?!! I was surprising very comfortable while slightly nervous. Towards the end of that interview, the Pres told me that my first interview went great and he felt confident that the second one was going to as well, and it went even better! So... I am hoping that is a good sign!

I will find out this week regardless whether or not I got the job. So fingers, toes, arms, eyes and legs crossed... I GET IT!!!!

well since I guess I have to clean my house some time today, I should run along!

30's are off to a good start

2010-02-26T01:21:00.002-05:00

I went to my first interview in over 8 years this Tuesday, at a financial company. It is for an Administrative Assistant position. My sister-in-law told me about and I place my resume the following morning. I was so excited to receive the phone from them to schedule that interview. Excited and super sick to my stomach. My nerves were all in a tizzy that day...

I believed that my interview went very well. I was super excited about the while thing. It was a wonderful feeling. They informed me that they planned to do a total of 5 interviews, and that from those they will do calls backs for a second interview on 1 0r 2 from there. They told me not to expect to hear from them for at least a week and a half or two weeks. Then anticipation set in again.

With me I over analyze everything. Did I talk too much, talk too little, say the wrong thing, dress wrong.... on and on and on... my brain just doesn't stop. Well, yesterday, being Wednesday, I woke up from a terrible nightmare (a pretty bad one- it had been a long while) and my day was kind of bummed. This morning, I woke to a horrid headache. I haven't been sleeping all that well (would explain why I am wide awake at 1:36am right now).

While cutting some pineapple this afternoon, my phone rang and I wasn't really able to run to it, luckily enough, my wonderful son, Kyle, brought it to me. The number was from the company.... I just answered that call in time. The office manager calling to ask me if I would like to set up a second interview for next week.... I could have run a mile with how excited I was.

Things are working in such a wonderful direction right now. I had surgery on my ovaries and the doc said that I have nothing to worry about- they are healthy and normal looking (WOO HOO), the first resume I place gets me a resume within a few days, two days later I get a call for a second interview, booked my trip for Vegas in July for my sister's wedding, and there is potential of finding a place.

I am just terrified that because things are going so well right now, that something HORRIBLE is about to come crashing in taking it all away!

And then I allow myself to sit back, take a deep breathe, and think to myself (what a wonderful world- sorry just had too ha hahahaha) I did say my 30's were going to be better! I am off to a good start!

You are only as lonely as you allow yourself to feel...

2010-02-16T00:56:00.002-05:00

Today was much like any other day... for me that is. I am getting ready for the week ahead, which is going to be filled with a few painful moments for me (literally). But all in all... not a bad start to the week.

However, for the past few weeks I have began to struggle with loneliness. An empty feeling inside. Not a depression... there is a difference. This feeling that has been consuming my thoughts and feelings stems from the lack of affection I am able to give as well as receive. I mean in an adult relationship.

It is a tough topic to express to anyone. Very difficult to even allow myself to realize sometimes. It makes the loneliness feel heavier. I am not physically lonely... emotionally lonely! The difference is great and significant.

I have been so sad for so long and have longed to be able to feel a certain way for so long... that it has its moments when I am fearful that it will consume me wholly. Bring me down to a point that I will start to search in all the wrong places and put myself in situations that are so far from where I want to be.

Most days I am able to get through smoothly with a confidence that could tear down a brick wall, while the next day that confidence is gone and all my previous thoughts are silly childhood fantasies that I have convinced myself to be foolish and inconceivable.

Then there are moments like tonight (while trying to go to sleep) that just enter my mind and begin a hostile take over. All the things I long for. Most very simple. But not easily obtained.

The touch of a man... on my hand, my shoulder, my neck, my cheek, my back, the slight brushing of hair out of my face, a warm smile that I understand, a kiss, sitting next to someone who cares for me the same as I care for him.... the list is never ending but truly simple. I don't long for extravagant things. Unless, falling in love and being loved in return is so unreachable that I live in a sad world of delusion.

The passion that I am made of... the passion that courses my veins... the passion that drives me to find just what I need and want... That passion is a driving force I am terrified to lose.

So many years have passed that I have been in a state of not wanting to be looked at by another man as long as I lived. I could not bear the thought of being treated as negatively as I have in the past. The pain of a broken heart is so unbearable, but it was relived in each memory of what I have been through.

I believe I have come along way with the thought process of being happy again someday. I mean truly I feel that there is a possibility for me to have what I long for so badly. The trouble is getting there with out setting myself up for failure. I am so fearful of being lonely for a moment longer that it will take over everything that makes me who I am, that I will only make it happen by subconsciously creating obstacles for myself.

I am a loving person, some one who wants to share all of that and what I have. Someone to share a life with.

I see other couples in my life. Although, dysfunctional each in their own ways... I can see that the love they have for one another is so breathtaking. The undeniable little subtleties that make up their precious loves. It is truly inspiring. A glimmer of hope to hold onto.

I guess these days will come fewer and fewer, the closer I get the my end goal... Just hope there are not as many obstacles to overcome as I have imagined.

The start to new beginnings...

2010-01-30T13:05:00.002-05:00

Two weeks down and still kicking some tae bo ass! Jennie and I have been doing different types of workouts to keep all parts of our body working at different times. We want the full potential of our workout. We have one day of rest and I have been doing pretty well at maintaining a decent diet. However, yesterday... I just wanted to eat and eat and eat and keep eating. ha ha ha!

It is completely amazing that I have been working out for a mere two weeks and I have already noticed so many differences. My posture has improved, my attitude has improved, and my sleeping habits are gotten better. I can actually sleep better. I may not being going to bed much earlier... but I am getting more out of the few hours I do sleep. It is wonderful!

Working out is my newest obsession... I think about it all the time. I catch myself doing some simple moves throughout my day while cooking, cleaning or playing with the kids. I LOVE IT!!!

My outlook on so many things is so amazing! My breathing is finally getting under control. I tried Yoga for beginners the other night and ohhhhh My chest never felt better. The stretching and the breathing has made it so much easier for me to catch my breath when it has been so difficult for me to do so before.

My dreams haven't been so overwhelmingly emotional for me. I have actually been able to wake up without still feeling the emotional downpour from my dreams. I have more energy and I see things more clearly.

Now to keep this up and work on the rest of my issues, then I will be all set!

There is more to come....

2010-01-26T11:52:00.003-05:00

Several years ago... about 7 to be more precise I had to have an laparoscopy of my ovaries. I had been having a terrible time and excruciating pain after Kyle was born and he was done nursing. It started off pretty ok... meaning that I didn't want to rip them out when they hurt... However, the pain did increase to the point where I was tempted to have all existing parts of a female reproductive system removed just to not be in pain anymore.

At that time I was seeing a doctor who told me that my chances of having more children would decreased significantly every year. He wanted to go in and take a look because all my tests were showing that there should be nothing wrong with me. Clear labs, clean ultrasounds... you name it... I should have been normal. (Me normal... ha ha ha ha ha ha-I find that hilarious)

Well... I had my surgery in Sept of 2002, Kyle was 2 years old and nothing else we were trying was working. SO......the surgery took place and the doctor found a benign tumor... the size of an ovary on my left one, which was about 2-3 times the size it should have been. Plus more cysts than could be calculated.

Well, let's just say that the week following surgery I was pumped full of pain pills (that pain was EVIL) and I slept pretty much the entire 7 days before my post-op.

Over time... the pain wasn't as bad... and it ended up taking me almost a year to conceive Cadence. The pain came right back after she was born... it wasted no time. Which was baffling because I wasn't supposed to be ovulating. So, I was placed on birth control. Which didn't work either... and hell didn't keep me from getting pregnant with Kaleb. (which i do NOT regret)

I had Kaleb and was good to go for about a year. I was thrilled, because I would dread waiting for the pain to start again. Just when I left my guard down... it attacked. It came back full force and with a vengeance. So I had the Mirena implanted. After loads of research and talking with my doc we figured this was the best bet.

Things seemed to be getting better and I was sooo happy. You could not imagine! Well, about a year ago... the pain started to creep its way back into my life. Little by little... not really effecting me too much at first. Then WHAM! It made its move to try to kill me I swear.

After continual testing: labs and ultrasounds.... all normal again... It is time to go under the knife again. I am scheduled for surgery the middle of February. What a way to turn 30 right!? Hey let me cut you open. ha ha ha

But hopefully, I get some better answers this time.

It is hard having so many things built up inside... and not being able to release them all.

Well... off to clean and play... much love to you all!

Double Time...

2010-01-22T22:15:00.002-05:00

Well... it has been a long time since my words have graced you all! So many things have been going on... but I am going to focus on one thing right now.... My health.

This year I will be turning the big 3-0! I have never really had any problems with age or aging. Really it is just a number and I have felt 80 years old for years... so why would turning 30 be any different?!

Well, my health has only be faltering over the years and my friend is also feeling the icy cold hand of deteriorating health. I am so proud of her quiting smoking!!!! WOO HOO GO YOU!!!

Well, I quit smoking for good back in October when the last cigarette I had tried to suck the oxygen from my lungs. I had my very first ever severe asthma attack. Let's just say, laying on my living floor feeling the chill from its hardwood surface while gasping for any air to enter into my lungs while losing feeling my extremities and face going numb... Is not how I would like to finish a cigarette.

Well, I didn't light up again. And really didn't have many problems with choosing life over death in this battle.

Well, then Jennie and I decided that it was time to start working out... taking better care of ourselves. We used to do Billy Blanks Tae Bo... so we pulled out the old dusty VCR and blow off the cobweb covered VHS tapes... and started working out. We have lasted a week and each day gets better and we are actually able to complete the workout with out succumbing to the lung tightening pain that tries to squeeze out our last breathes.

I have also been doing other exercises as well. Trying to tone all the areas that sure do need it. ha ha ha ha!!! This past week, I have felt so refreshed and energized and calm. I also want to eat better and less, so I have begun to do that as well.

I truly plan to stick with this... Not only would I like to look good and lose some weight...I want to be healthier!

Well, off to relax! Much love to you all!

No matter what... I think the tween will always win!

2009-12-06T15:22:00.006-05:00

OH MY GOD!

I think I am going to have to be sent away to a camp that teaches parents how to deal with tweens. Now, that is a new term to me. But it is the ages from 8 to 12 years old. My Kyle is 9 1/2... going on being duct taped to the wall!

I just don't know when it happened. I am sure it was a gradual change, but I swear it just happened all of a sudden. He just woke up one morning and he had an entire attitude change... for the worse!

He is a back talker like no other... he will back talk a simple hello or good morning. He thinks he makes all the rules and he can do whatever it is he chooses to do. He believes that everything he wants he should be given to him right there on the spot. He also thinks that everthing that is in this house is his.

He came home from school the one day and I thought that there had to be a mistake! There was no one this was my son! He rolled his eyes at me... When I had asked him how his day was he told me OK... like he was a robot programmed to speak. Then when I questioned what he did at school... "I don't remember." What do you mean you don't remember, buddy? "it's called short term memory loss mom, geesh!" like a little smart mouth ass! It just got worse as the minutes passed by. He was a little jerk to me and even meaner to his lil brother!

Here's a little something to chew on....

2009-12-04T21:07:00.003-05:00

So I have been thinking lately...shocker right... ha ha ha! Well, this has come to light with the increase in Christmas programs as well as watching Disney movies with the kids.

There is a study and debate over the increase in divorces over the past generation because of the "happily ever after" that Disney shows portray for girls to grow up with. The debate involved blaming the "happily ever after" endings to give girls the false impression that there is a Prince Charming and when you get married there will be a happy ending for all relationships; yet it is just setting up girls to grow up with ridiculous expectations.

Personally, I think that all people, women and men... should have great expectations for love and relationships. I also believe that the increase in divorces has a lot to do with the fact that women are no longer excepting defeat or expecting ridicule when they get divorced. Now what I mean by defeat is that when you are in an unhealthy marriage or have a cheating or abusive spouse (just to name a few issues that could occur) women (mainly) no longer feel they HAVE to stay married.

Well, those thoughts lead to why just blame Disney? I mean with the increase of Christmas movies I have seen over the past week, I have noticed just how happy the damned endings are. I mean... every holiday party has some mistletoe hanging where people meet and kiss and fall in love... blah blah blah! Um... I have never been to a Christmas or any other holiday party that involved mistletoe.

I watched this one movie, where this girl was so hard up for impressing her parents with a man... she kidnapped someone and took him to spend Christmas with her family. So after committing a crime and holding this man hostage for like a week or whatever... he falls in love with her. Doesn't press charges... calls off his engagement.... then finds his kidnapper and they live happily ever after!? Are you kidding me?!?!?!

I mean, come on! You can't blame one company for their happily ever afters... for starters they are freaking CARTOONS! without blaming all the damn happily ever after movies!

Those are my deep thoughts for the night!

ugh blah grump

2009-11-29T21:16:00.002-05:00

Do you know what if feels like to think about something so much that when you think about it anymore.... it just makes you sad?

Well.... I do! I am not a fan of it either!

It is no secret that I have been unhappily married for many many years now. I have been working towards getting divorced for so long.... and now it is finally here! Oh sweet Jesus, it is finally here! Well, not the finalization process but the fact that the father to my children has finally finally finally seen the light! He has finally come to terms with the fact that our marriage is not only a joke, but a negative cancer that has been slowly killing both of us; more so over the past few years.

A few months ago, I sat him down and told him for the 5th or 6th time ( you lose count after awhile) that I want a divorce... and that this time I am not letting him slink his way out of it! He looked at me and said, "I agree, what do you propose?" I thought I was going to die right there on the spot! I had not imagined those words ever crossing his mouth! I could have jumped up and done a jig!

Don't get me wrong, I am not an evil person. As many of you know I have been battling with a man who has cheated on me so many times, again I lost count; who doesn't not appreciate me as a person; or who doesn't work with me as a parent most of the time!

Well, we sat that night and made plans. Plans that I have been daydreaming about for so long! Thoughts that I had finally coming to a reality! Oh, it was making me giddy! So, over the past few months we are still working towards reaching these goals we have set for the dissolution of our marriage.

Well, I have gone so long wanting to be in a relationship with someone who loves me and that I love unyeildingly! I long for such a relationship! One where I can be with the one person who just makes me smile when I think of them!

I want to dance around for no reason, sit outside and watch it rain, dance/play/twirl/kiss in the rain... I want so many things!!!! I have been dreaming about them for so long now, that it makes me sad to think of them. I have waited for so long... and I know I only have a little while longer to wait before I can start my search... but I hate waiting! I can't take it anymore! I want to have someone look at me with that one certain look in their eyes! That looks that makes you feel so WOW!!!

I guess I will just never be happy! I make something to complain about everyday!

Are you flippin' kidding me?

2009-11-23T22:36:00.006-05:00

This is all about me bitching and moaning... so if you don't want to read my venting, then stop here!

Today was like any other day! A calm day of house cleaning and cooking and spending time with the kids. Well, that is until this evening! Let me start where it may make some sense. As we all know, this week is Thanksgiving! That means the kids will be getting some time off of school. Tomorrow is their last day this week. They will be off for 5 days straight and are super excited!

Kyle, my oldest, has an Ohio History (Social Studies) test tomorrow. He has his book home and his study guide. Plus he had a homework page he had to finish. Well, It is all from the same book and all going to be a part of the test.

Kyle does NOT and I mean NOT like to read. In fact I am sure that is his least favorite thing of ALL time. Well, study usually... most always, involves reading. So did his homework. He was having no part of it. Every time he behaves like this - acting as though the world is going to end or his life will be over if he even attempts to read- I sit down and calmly (yes, calmly the first few times) tell him that all he needs to do is read the sections... or even just skim over them for the answers. Then I also went over his study guide with him and showed him everywhere he needed to look to study for the test!

Well, I had done this several times. About an hour and a half after he sat down and I first explained everything to him... having to tell him again wasn't coming out so calmly! I was starting to get upset. Well, for the one millionth time I told him that he needs to read the chapter and he will get the answers... and to go over the notebook that has the rest of the answers.

What happens next... Kyle begins to whine and complain! So what does his father do... the same thing that SOB (that stands for SON OF A BITCH!!!!!) does every time Kyle behaves this way over his homework.... Walks in there and does the homework for him. Gives him the answers and tells him how to write it!

NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES.... no matter how many times I sit that damned ass.... the other parent to my children.... down to talk to him about the importance of working TOGETHER as parents- his thick head doesn't allow the information to sink in!

There are just too many incidents of this behavior. Just this past weekend a family friend called him out on his behavior, this time with Kaleb (the youngest). I said something today (as well as just about every other day of my existence) about his actions with Cadence.

We talked about joint parenting when we finalize our divorce (yes that is my big hidden piece of info) but with this behavior I will lose control of my children so fast that I won't know where I will be standing most days!

I mean he even does this over simple things... but to me each time he does this it is a BIG deal!!! I am losing my mind. Kaleb is starting to become a little more uncontrollable each day. Kyle and Cadence don't listen to a thing I say. I am tired of having to raise my voice to them... I hate it!!!

No matter what I do... he goes back behind me and lets them do what they wanted to do, gives them what they wanted to eat, or whatever may be the case! I want to pull out my hair!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Is that a tree or are you just happy to see me?!?!?!

2009-11-22T19:45:00.002-05:00

Ohhhh what a weekend!!! I sure do love the weekends. I know I do not work a regular 9 to 5 job where I get a paycheck every other Friday... but hey I love the weekend just as much as everyone else.... maybe even more!

Well, this weekend started off nice and slow. I spent Friday night with my MP3 player and a glass (well two glasses) of wine. It was a stressful day and well, I needed to relax. It was nice... I love to listen to music and the glass of wine was a nice addition! However, before the wine... I was singing along with the songs... and driving my Kyle insane! It was great fun! We had a blast in the kitchen that night!

Well, Saturday I got up and decided to do something for myself that I haven't done in a long time... I went tanning. Yes I know it is superficial and there are health risks involved... well I find it relaxing and enjoyable... and it is 15-20 minutes of alone time with silence... AHHHHH!!!!!

I came home to find that Tommy and Jeff (some friends) were next door at Jennie's (best friend and neighbor) talking about cutting down the one tree in her backyard. So we got prepared and we had a blast.... watching them cut it down. With the number of adults and the horde of children that Jennie and I have... clean up was pretty quick.

That night we had a pretty nice bon fire... Jennie drank a 6 pack of Smirnoff (all by herself... lush) and then a couple of Mike's Hard Lemonade. She was great! Fine for the longest time; then all of sudden she was completely off her rocker! Well, I had also rented what I think is one of the funniest movies ever... Observe and Report! Oh I already adore Seth Rogan...he is great! This movie is AWESOME!!!!!

Well.... today was time for day two of tree logging! Chris was able to talk Tommy into cutting down the BIG and I mean B I G tree in the backyard... next to the house... messing with the foundation. So we all got up... we got some coffee and donuts and were prepared to record (Jennie Jason and I) the event while they did all the work. It was pretty sweet.

Another day of clean up... my poor hands feel raw! My back is achy but overall I feel pretty damn good after doing some physical labor.

Well... while cranking the pulley thing that was pulling the tree we were cutting down we ran out of chain... so Jeff grabbed hold and started pulling it... and TIMBER.... the tree met the ground!

All I can say is I had a great weekend with my friends and my kids! well that is that... hope i didn't bore the hell out of you! ha ha ha

bored and blocked....

2009-11-20T19:46:00.003-05:00

So... I have been battling with a severe case of writers block. It has been a painful one... because although I can't seem to find the words I want to write; the desire to write is still there and growing stronger everyday. It is like a super overload of wanting to write.

Well, today was a nice day. I decided to be a cool mom for today! Woke the kids up, got them ready for school and off they went. Kaleb and I decided to go out and about... I needed to get my inhalers refilled and do a little light shopping (had to get hair dye- :P). Then we went to get the little man's hair cut, he needed it. Then we were off to steal Cadence and Kyle from school... so we could go to lunch. It was great! They were so excited!!!

Well, last night was not a restful sleep for me. First Cadence started whining in her sleep, the started having nightmares. So, I was up and down checking on her, until she ended up in bed with me. Oh, but the fun didn't stop there. Next, it was Kaleb's turn... He too ended up in bed with me! So now that they are in bed with me, I thought I might get some sleep. Oh buddy, was I wrong! Wrong to the nth degree!!!! Well, the whining continued but the kicking and slapping began as well. Needless to say, my sad little self finally ended up asleep sometime around 4am. UGH!!!!!!

Well.... after lunch, we came home and I loaded a Spongebob Monopoly game on my laptop for Cadence to play. Cadence, Kaleb and I started to play... Kyle was engrossed in his own game in the kitchen. Poor Cadence and Kaleb... I fell asleep. In the middle of playing the game. So I exited that game and set it up for Cadence and Kaleb to continue to play on the living room floor next to the soft comfy couch that was calling my name.

I was so tired, I laid there and watched them play the game and realized I needed to get my butt in action, dinner needed to be made. Well... I still remained glued to the couch and started watching Dr. Phil... and it was about rude people... we all know rude people! ha ha ha!!!!

Well, finally I decided I wanted a glass of wine. I wanted one the other day... I think it is this old age thing I have going on. ha ha ha ha!!!I have been noticing that there are some things that I like, that I used to not like... so I really wanted that glass of wine!

So, I made dinner... I swear it was the smallest meatloaf ever made. Plus, I am a dork and burnt my thumb by thinking I can grab a hot pan with my bare hands. Then I ate my dinner... it was yummy! (I know this is great stuff! But I am trying to work through my block- bare with me!)

Well, I got my bottle of wine... and it is yummy! So now I am going to sit here, drink me some wine... hopefully, my friend will come over and have a glass with me! That was I do not drink alone... but don't bother me any.... after a rough week; a nice glass of wine can be greatly enjoyed!

So, my plan is to write... just write... there will be posts that are just as absolutely boring as this one... some may make NO sense what so ever... but bare with me until I can get past this damned block brain of mine... why can't I take that block and place it in front of things I would rather not think about.... That would be great!

baking baking baking... I just looove baking... OH YEAH!!!!

2009-11-14T20:53:00.003-05:00

I have been having my ups and downs lately! My downs are based on future sadness. Makes little sense doesn't it... but to me it makes complete and full sense.

As I have mentioned before I have upcoming events in my life that are yet to be released to the public... I know I know.... but there is reasoning behind my madness. Or at least it makes sense to me! Either way, straight forward information will not be coming from me.

These past two weekends have been the best weekends of my life. Well, have been great to say the least...maybe not the best of my life, but the best I have had in a long time. Last weekend it was really nice out... in Ohio that means around 65 degree weather... we were in t-shirts and my kids were in shorts (and the same goes for this weekend with the weather as well)!

Last weekend, we got to play on the tire swing in Jennie's (my next door neighbor best friend) backyard! Oh was it great fun! Aside from getting way too close to the tree.... I loved it! The kids loved it... it was great fun... and they are still playing with it!

Not only that but the kids and I played with Jennie and her crew all weekend! Friday night Jennie and went to Star Bucks... oh God do we have so much fun together! Then we were up all night playing Speed (the card game) cracking up laughing and just having a blast! Saturday was spent outside playing, ordering BW3, eating, watching movies, and unfortunately some cleaning. Well, while cleaning... I became very... terribly sad! I found some of the boys baby clothes that I had packed up... It was very hard for me! I cried looking through those clothes. Seeing little outfits my little men had worn when they were just so tiny and helpless. Just thinking of it is pulling at my heart strings! My kids are going 9-Kyle (10 in June); 5- Cadence (6 in February); and 3-Kaleb (4 in December). It is very hard... with the other two by the time they were 4 I had another new little baby! I don't this time! Do I want more kids... Ohhhhh, my God YES!!!! Yes, I do!

Well.... now that I am back... hahaha!!! Me and my tangents... geesh! Well the week went on with not much fun for me! For a day and a half... I had a migraine from hell trying to take over the world. I thought it was trying to kill me! Ugh! ( yes I love exclamation points!!!!!!)

Well, last night was Friday and I spent the evening with Jennie again.... Jason, Tommy PJ, Carissa... we all played Texas Hold 'em. Oh was it great fun!!! We had the time of our lives... Jennie trying to cheat, but she just couldn't she busted out laughing her ass off at one point, because she just couldn't go on cheating... She just blurts out I'm cheating... bah ha ha ha ha ha!!!! Oh we lost it!

We today, we got up and got ready... and Jennie, Jamie and I and our hordes of children went to White House Fruit Farm today! I love that place... and their beef jerky! (think I will eat some right now-ha ha ha!!!!)

Well, Jennie and I have been talking about making apple pies, pumpkin pies, and cookies for Christmas for a couple of weeks now. Well... today was the day! I was pumped... we went to White House... and we bought apples and we were going to bake!!!!

Well, it was just such a beautiful day... so we played outside today... until I became too hungry to do anything but think of food. I came into the house and started making some spaghetti for all 12 people... well then Jennie brought over some Andrew's sausage (good stuff) and we made, spaghetti, sausage, garlic bread.... and while making dinner Jamie suggested we make some brownie cookies too just to see what they were like! (we were looking thru my cookie cook book today) So we all were cooking.... thank goodness I have a decent sized kitchen!

Oh, was dinner great... and so were those brownie cookies! Well, Jennie and I rested a bit after shoveling tons of food in our faces; then we made some pie. Homemade crust.. Jamie peeled and cut most of the apples; mixed everything from scratch and baked us two apple pies. Ohhhh the aroma was AMAZING!!!!!

The parts of these past weekends that cause such pain and sadness for me are the parts that I enjoyed so greatly! I don't want those things to change. I want to be able to always do these things with Jennie, Jamie and my kids! I don't even want to imagine them not being possible!

Well, I have rambled on about little to nothing for long enough... I am going to eat me some PIE!!!!

Some updates

2009-11-04T13:28:00.005-05:00

There are just so many things going on in my world right now that I am in complete brain overload. There are so many things I want to talk about but the majority of the are taboo at this point and some even only permitted to be thought and not verbalized.

It has been a while since I have been on here and I will just give you all an update on my world... until I am able to sort out the overabundance of chaos rushing through my brain.

Well, for starters... I found another old friend... and that made my day, which is always does!

October has come and gone... and it has been a full year since I had viral meningitis... the start to the year of sickness for me. Well... I didn't go unscathed this October either! Damnit!!! I was getting what I thought was some simple congestion maybe a chest cold. Turned out that the Thursday before Halloween, I was rushed to the ER. I have pleurisy, had an upper resp infection (thank God for antibiotics) and I had a severe asthma attack. The first one of my life.

I was diagnosed with asthma when I was about 25-26 years old. Used a fast attacking preventative albuterol inhaler as needed for wheezing... that was it for the past few years. Well, my symptoms have only progressed and my lungs I am guessing decided to turn their backs on me... I ended up gasping for air on my living room floor begging to go to the ER. Now when I say begging, at first the dork (to put it politely) I live with was like oh you aren't turning blue. I would have choked him out if I could have.

While gasping for some air, I would have to separate my words by syllables telling him can't breathe, pain, dizzy, can't feel hands or feet... Within minutes my hands and feet were BLUE! I couldn't walk I couldn't lift my head! I thought I was going to pass right now. I was crying and there was just so much pain!

Well, finally we get there.... I get some emergency treatments and can finally catch my breath. NOT FUN!!!! The whole next day my hands and arms (after having been deprived oxygen for way TOO long) were completely contorted. I looked like I had just suffered a stroke. I couldn't move them with out a tickled like pain! Not my best look! :)

Well, I had my follow up with the doctor yesterday and he said my lungs still sound really bad... I am now on a long term inhaler twice a day with the use of my fast attacking inhaler when necessary. OH SWEET JESUS!!! I CAN BREATHE!!!!!

Well, needless to say, after having bee released from the hospital last year... days later I was out trick or treating with my kids, you bet you ass I was out there with them this year. NO I do NOT have a death wish! But I am a devoted mama... and there are just some things I will NOT miss out on. Especially right now. (More to come on that another day!)

I did however have to miss out on Cadence's class Halloween party. For starters I couldn't breath, just got out of the ER at 3am the night before, and finally I had no control of my arms. Not a happy day for this mama!

Well, It is now November! Not far from Thanksgiving and Christmas soon to follow. Then before you know we will be waking up saying It's already 2010? WTF!!!! The end of the first grading period is coming up and I am looking forward to reports this year. I am getting them from 2 kids... that excites me for some reason! I love to acknowledge the great accomplishments of my children.

Unfortunately, I have terrible news as well. My step-mother's sister has lost her battle to cancer. My Aunt Carol was one of the most amazing women I have ever been blessed to know. She was soo full of life and love that I would be honored to have even a thimble full of the wonder she had! She will be greatly missed and forever loved while never forgotten!

I sometimes think of how she was an Angel of God sent here to share with us! I was reading through quotes last night (like I do most nights) and come across this one... I will share it with you!

A brief candle; both end burning
And endless mile; a bus wheel turning
A friend to share the lonesome times
A handshake and a sip of wine
So say it loud and let it ring
We are all apart of everything
The future, present and the past
Fly on proud bird, You're free at last..... Charlie Daniels

We are family... sing it now!!!

2009-10-11T03:32:00.014-04:00

Do you know what one of the greatest things that has ever come from my adult life is (outside of my 3 children)?

It is the on growing relationship that I have with my sister, Michelle. We have always been sisters... all 29 of my years, but there have been so many things between us that had kept us at such an awkward distance. Now, we are older and I could not imagine a day that I couldn't or wouldn't talk to her.

Here is some background....

My mother and her first husband preceded me with my two oldest siblings (Treva and Danny). My father and his first wife preceded me with my other two older siblings (Michelle and Christopher). Then my mother and father met. Their stories slightly different and with significant differences. Well, I was the product of the love they once shared. (later to me was my youngest sister Diana from my mother and two step brothers from my father's third marriage Michael and David... Corky to me... and two men I will always without hesitation call my brothers).

Well, shortly after my birth my parents married and then divorced by the time I was 2 years old. During their time together they graced this planet with my presence... ahahahahaha!!!

Well, after their divorce I slightly recall being a young child being able to see my father. Not sure what had happened.... that ceased to take place. Until a time when the courts set it up for visitation for me and my dad, and his required child support. During that time, my mother would tell me that my dad denied me as his daughter so I had to have a DNA test done. Well, part of me believed her, she is my mother after all. Well, then once that was all said and done, the courts had asked if I would like to have my proper last name. (then I was given the last name my mom had when she delivered me, which was the last name of her ex-husband) I was sooo super excited... I wanted nothing more at the time to be able to see my dad and share his last name.

I thought that by sharing the same last name as my father would bring him closer to me and make him not hate me anymore. My mother tried every avenue possible to get me to change my mind. Finally, she had succeeded (only for me to find out years later it was a lie- and evil lie) by telling me that my father and my sister, Michelle didn't want me to have the same last name as them. Well, telling an eleven/twelve year old that was devastating... I didn't change my last name!

As the time passed and I was starting to go to see my dad and that part of my family, I was super excited. However, my mother, not so much! Well, it turned out that every chance my mom had she would tell me that my dad had made other plans and didn't want to see me (a few years ago-I found out this side of the story) while telling my father that I didn't want to see them, I had made other plans. After I would cry and beg, she would eventually take me to his house... well, this would be hours after she told him I wasn't coming, so he usually wouldn't be there. This happened for about two years or so. Well, turned out I ended up stopping going to see my dad every other weekend. I was to the point that I was pretty sure that my dad and my sister wanted nothing to do with me. I mean my mother was telling me on an all too often basis.

Well, over the next couple of years, I would see them randomly. Well, it stunk! Being a teenager was enough, not easy at all! But to have your mother telling you that your father, his family, and your sister hate you.... doesn't make you want to see them every other weekend.

I tried here and there to bridge the gap, and at times it would go smoothly and at others quite awkwardly. I had started getting serious in a relationship and wanted to introduce him to my WHOLE family. Strangely, my bonds with my dad began to grow, and I thought that it was only that they liked the guy I was seeing.

Well years passed with more awkwardness and some serious trying...but oddly enough it took my sister, Michelle moving to Virginia to for us to get closer. Over the past several years, we have become so close. I can't imagine a day that I wouldn't be able to just pick up the phone to call her up or even the other way around.

I have the sister I have always wanted... and the thought just makes me smile!!!! We are currently planning her wedding. I am so excited and honored to be her matron of honor. I want to do her good, I want to make sure that she has everything she wants.

howling at the moon

2009-10-07T22:59:00.003-04:00

I love the moon and the stars. I could sit outside all night long and watch them as they travel along the sky. My favorite constellation is Orion. I could sit up all night long, warm or cold just to watch the sky.

I am not sure what it is. The calm serene simplicity of it all... maybe; probably. I can just stare and not think of anything else but the sky. I wish I had a better camera. I would have so many night shots, they may out weigh those of my kids... Doubt it (i would have to take pictures every night for the rest of my life to catch up to the number of pics I have of my kids).

I full of randomness. But lately I have been full of fear with a slight twinge of excitement. There have been occurrences in my life as of recently, that rock the boat. In a grand way though, an occurrence that will lead me down a path that I have been preparing for over an extended time.

The thought of it excites me, yet the consequences, not all, the main ones, terrify me. They keep me up at night, whenever everyone else in the house is sleeping. When the house is quiet and you can hear it speaking. The creaks and moans... the howling wind... the nuts from the tree dropping on the roof... every little noise. Those noises aren't what keep me up, those are the noises I have to turn to in order to shut out the constant vibrations of my on going thoughts bouncing off the insides of my head.

Tangent... You ever realize how your heart has the hardest time healing? It does. Once it has been shattered so many times, it is so hard to mend it properly. There will always be missing pieces. Usually the pieces are important ones.

Memories, like the corners of my mind....

2009-10-05T23:10:00.003-04:00

So, today and yesterday my writing bug has been itching... With so much to say that can't be said (at least not yet) or just nothing to put words to. Tonight I was so unable to sleep, and as you see, I am still having problems going to sleep. Wide awake is not my friend... where was it earlier today.

In my basement is a box filled with some extremely amazing memories. Little trinkets from Homecomings and Proms, notes from ex's, birthday and graduation cards, poems, English papers, notes back and forth with friends, pictures... oh the pictures, newspaper clippings and so much more.

While looking through these things I just laughed and laughed and even a few times had some tears come to my eyes. Some sad but mostly happy tears!!!

I came across an old school newspaper that had an article discussing the Mock Trial I was lucky to take part in. I loved that moment in life. It was all apart of a plan I had for myself. I wanted to be a lawyer so bad during that time in my life. I can remember the dress/suit that I wore that day. I loved that article of clothing. I wanted to dress everyday as professional as I did that day. (wow, how life has it's own agenda)

A newspaper clipping of an ex boyfriend (who was a great friend my senior year) tackling an opponent in a local football game. Just reading is name, brought back memories of so many fun times with him. My first group movie date, having to take something from his pocket (the perv-hahaha), a straddingly evening at a friends house, learning he was going to be a teenage parent, spending fun many fun days in Chemistry class talking about Terrytown and how he was going to own the Steelers (yes, my love for the Steelers came from him)... Oh, Terrytown... just thinking about it makes me laugh out loud. Taking pictures with him and Dave and JoAnn after commencement. Him coming to my wedding and dancing with me telling me if my new husband ever hurt me, all I needed to do was call him. The memories pouring in.... We went to State!!! I miss him. He was great!

There was a notebook with Mickey Mouse on the cover... This was used during my graduation party for my guests to sign. I read all of the inscriptions from family and friends. Many if not more told me to never lose my smile and my happiness. Reading them, especially from those I don't speak to anymore (damn that life... people growing apart... blah) and remembered so many of the good times had with these people. I am smiling as I type and that makes for a happy heart.

There were programs from a production I was a part of, the cast photo... oh those were some great nights. Spending time with great people back stage and during rehearsals. Hahaha... playing cards in the hallway with friends. The super fun times had afterwards. Swimming at Courtney's... fitting like 13 people in a little Geo hatchback... oh goodness.

Going to my Freshman Homecoming with Leanne and Liz. That was one hell of a limo ride. Yes we got a limo... we were traveling in style that night. The pictures from that limo ride... We missed Amanda not being there... stinkin back surgery.

My fifth grade class picture was in there... oh my goodness! My mother must have had it out for me. The clothes she put me in.... hahahah! I was in some funky t-shirt and a ruffled jean skirt that clearly needed to be ironed and a pair of filthy as can be tennis shoes. If only I had a scanner to show you all these pictures. Among those pictures I came across one of me and my oldest brother, Danny (no matter how old he will get, I will always call him Danny). We were sitting in our kitchen from our old townhouse... That picture was my greatest find of the night.

These memories brought on thoughts of so many other memories that weren't connected to little trinkets in that box. Memories I have stored in my mind... Sleep overs, crushes, Halloween, the haunted hay ride and house, scavenger hunts, flat tires, ice skating, red hats, my 3 infamous questions, The Magic Twanger, (it's hotter than a 3 peckered goat back here), Handel's Ice Cream, Taco Bell, and Peaberry's. Yes, all of these have a special place in my mind and in my heart.

Sadly, I came across an old notebook that I used to write to God in. I was a mentally troubled teen. At least in my early teen years. During the time of being 13 to 15 I used to write so much... and it was all so sad. This notebook had about 3 or 4 entries (not sure what happened to cause me to stop writing to God). There was an entry where I expressed my desire to commit suicide. It was dated four months from the time that I had made my first and only attempt. It made me sad to think that I was so far into a state of depression. In that same post I asked God, "...when you see my pain surfacing take that pain and put the feeling of writing a story or something into me, and lift some of the burden off of my heart." That was 1994... I have been given a great gift from God to take my pain and other emotions and tell a story. I thanked God the moment I read that.

I also read many of my poems from my youth. Filled with feelings that I know I hadn't experienced yet in my short life. Feelings of despair, desertion, loneliness, fear, death, hatred, and a strong want and desire for love. I mean, there are feelings and words from those writings that I can relate to now... but then, not imaginable.

I also came across a poem I had to write for my Honors English class my senior year. This was and still is one of my most favorite pieces I have ever written.... here it is....

Simon

Through the darkness of the night
And the brightness of the sun
A young boy wonders mindlessly
His mind filled with confusion and fear
His eyes unable to read
His ability to cover his pain is weakening
Alone, away from the others
Not by physical being but by mental being
The way no one could ever understand
Hiding from his shadow
Hiding from the darkside
Unable to give into the hatred
Aware of the savagery around him
The insanity of the others
Makes him move further away
He can no longer deal with the savage of the others
He leads himself away
Away from himself and everyone else
The distance has become too far to cross
No hope for his survival
No hope for his rescue
No one able to save his soul
All alone dying
Away from his life, civilization
Turning inside out
Losing all will to want control
This boy wondering in silence
During the day
During the night
Alone with himself
Alone with nothing

that aching urge to write

2009-10-01T23:33:00.003-04:00

I swear there are days that I have a million and one things that I feel the need to write about. However, those days are when the blogs are long and detailed.... and there is only room for one topic a blog... I could probably fill several different blogs with the thoughts that soar through my mind on those days.

Then there are days like today! Days when I want to write but am completely blocked!!! So I think I will go on with some random things that have been going on....

The kids have been doing well in school. Cadence loves Kindergarten and even colored her teacher a picture of the two of them together. Kyle is doing well in school. I received his first progress report (they send them by email these days-awesome!!!)... there were only two classes listed, I should be receiving the other classes soon... however, he is getting an A in Science and a B in Social Studies. Kaleb is completely loving all the mommy and him time he gets and that he gets the XBox 360 and Wii all to himself all day long.

I have finally been feeling pretty good, I have even started exercising some. I do crunches everyday... may not be more than maybe 15 at a time, but I can pump out about 3 reps of that at the most. I have been walking (well only once on the trail) and have taken some bike rides... makes me excited that my puny ass is getting some exercise!

Super excited because I got to see the dress my sister, Michelle wants for the bridesmaids in her wedding for next October! Let that count down begin!!! So excited! I love the dress... it is so beautiful. I love the way I look in it too!!!!

Today I went with Carissa, Jennie, and another bridesmaid to see Carissa in her dress, it is beautiful... and look at some dresses for us maids. That was sooo funny! So, Jennie and I were running little late on our schedule... we got there saw Carissa and went hog wide searching thru their dresses. Then when we decided to try some on, we were informed there was 10 minutes left til the store closed. Oh... Jennie and I went on a mad dash to try on about 20 dressed in 10 minutes, with 3 kids running in and out of the dressing room we shared to go thru the dresses. Some were not flattering, some were hideous, and then we found the best one... It is beautiful!!!! So fingers crossed we will get that one.

Tomorrow I am planning on making this super delicious dinner that I have been wanting to make for 3 days now. I can't stop thinking about it! I want baked chicken, mashed potatoes, broccoli, corn, rice, biscuits, and the brownies for dessert! Oh you have no idea how much I want to eat this. I have had to make easier dinners for the past few nights due to things going on... and they have not been able to hit the craving... I have been eating like a crazed woman when night falls, but my tummy doesn't agree... I may not have been ill, but my tummy hasn't allowed my food to sit well.

The October Fest is this weekend. I love the October Fest!! I can't wait to go. Maybe I will buy something!

Well, I thinking I got the writing urge out of my system, although, I said outside of the updates on the kids, not of too much importance... Maybe I will write all my blogs on the day my brain is in over flow, but post them on different days. Also, I still need to hunt down my old poetry and some of my old writings from other times.
Night All!

One day at a time or all at once????

2009-09-29T14:54:00.005-04:00

Live one day at a time.... Easier said than done!

We live in a world where we are so fast paced that EVERYTHING we do is done hurried so we can get on to the next thing. This effects everything we do... Watching television, talking, working, driving, reading... everything!!!

Sit back and think about it... really think about it. Oh, wait there may not be time allotted in your day to sit and think today. I know I am thrilled that I am one hell of a multi-tasker. With out that little quirk, I wouldn't be able to think at all!

The growth in technology is absolutely amazing. The innovation is simply astounding. Yet, I am concerned with it. My concerns are valid and make a simple and clear point. Technology, although a great invention, has began to make the human race take steps back in evolution.

Something as simple as speaking to another person has become so hurried that we have "dumbed" down our English language. We went from formal hellos and goodbyes to guttural grunts made to sound like words.

EX: (as I am sure you want to know) Hello, how are you? It's great to see you. You look wonderful! What have you been doing these days? has been degraded to Sup? with a head nod

Writing letters has been becoming a dying art. When was the last time you hand wrote a letter to someone? I am not putting down emails in any way... I am an emailing junkie... and it if it weren't for the Internet, I would be a hermit that never keeps in touch with her friends. What I wonder is what happened to the way of speaking to someone without sounding like a caveman or uneducated boob?? I am not playing the "not me" card... I am just as guilty.

While technology continues to grow, our simple brains aren't. Let's take a look at texting.

"Hello, my name is Amanda. I am a texting-oholic! I can't go a day without texting and when I didn't have my phone for a couple of months, I went through a pretty bad withdraw."

Now, texting is a great thing. It was once described to me as the prefect way to have a conversation, especially with someone you Don't want to talk to. You can give simple responses without being asked what's with the tone? And when you just don't have anything else to say or just really don't care to reply you just stop texting responses. All so true... You know it, don't deny it! We have all done that! I am guilty!!! hehehehe

Well, my problem with texting is that we as a society have made life run so quickly that the 24 hours in a day just aren't enough to get everything done that we wish to accomplish. I am sure many of us would admit to thinking that if there was a way to not have to sleep I would do it. Well, the dangers of texting are great... WHEN driving!

I was once guilty of the task. Because there just isn't enough time in my day to do everything I needed to without texting to someone while driving. Well, I have seen enough PSA's and news reports on the accidents because someone was texting while driving and not paying one damned bit of attention to the road. (yes, drunk driving is just as dangerous- I am not talking about that right now though)

That is where I believe that we are losing are ability to use common sense. Creating a stupid person... once you lose common sense... well there is no hope!

Making sure that we beat the clock is something we have been programed to do... where did taking your time to make sure you are doing something right and well go??? Everyone and everything has a deadline. I have to finish this article in order to be the first to have completed this story. I have to make sure these cars are shipped out on this date so we are first on the line. I have plans that weekend, so can we schedule an UNNECESSARY c-section to deliver my baby early so it doesn't intrude on my life?

Each of the above mentioned acts have occurred in our society... without the thought of making sure that all the information provided is accurate, ensuring the quality of the product is safe, and using the common sense of making sure your health is not being endangered. But the way we have adapted is to make excuses stating... well I will post a correction to follow if my article is misinforming, we will do a recall on the messed up cars- sorry your breaks don't work... or well, that is what doctors are for. Forget that you have just lost most if not all of your reputation in what you do from that point on.

There are so many things that we just keep passing by. The smile and light conversation with an old friend on the street- replacing it with a head nod and a grunt. The growth of our children because we have so many other things we feel NEED to be done.

By the way we are living we want to know everything that is coming our way. There is no time for us to sit back and just live life one day at a time. We want all the information in front of us RIGHT NOW!!!! (that was me jumping up and down stomping my feet- my virtual fissy fit!)

I was thinking today that I don't let myself live one day at a time... but I am damned if that is how I will continue my life... there is too much stress involved. I try to plan it all out.. that is impossible... just to think that this is how this is going to go... playing out each and every move you will make, if someone says this or does that... then I will react this way or say this in response... making your mind go in a million tangents all at once, while not even coming close to what will actually take place at the actual time of acting...having stressed for no reason at all... and then still having to come up with your reactions and responses.

Life is here to be experienced... not just rushed through. At least these are just my randomly random thoughts on the subject... What are yours? (or do you not have the time to think about it?)

The start to new beginnings...

2009-09-24T12:02:00.003-04:00

I have often referred to one's life as a book. As we know, many books contain chapters... life contains chapters. Each chapter is the start of a new portion of the story. Also, with each chapter, a part of the previous chapters storyline follows into the new chapters. I feel that this is all too similar to one's life.

With every new addition to life, a new chapter is created... bringing over things from the past to be carried on into the future. Each chapter contains it's own story while still inter-mingling with parts of previous story lines.

I have also, often thought about a person's life as a series of books. Each major event ends one book to begin a new one... all within the same story. Depending on how you look at it, I am somewhere in the middle of my series. I will beginning a new book. I will be starting with some new beginnings.

The adventures that lay ahead are terrifying and exciting all in the same breath. They are many and huge. Yet, all worth it!

My vagueness is not by accident. The privacy of my new book is being withheld until a later date... the date of release. The journey will be dictated and transcribed... but with only the details available at the time.

I must say that I am welcoming the start to my new beginnings.

Autumn is here...

2009-09-23T13:52:00.004-04:00

Well, today started out as a cloudy September morning. I had decided last night that I wanted to take Kaleb for a walk on the Mill Creek Bike Trail, near my house. So, after I got Kyle and then Cadence on the bus I was going to get him ready to go for a nice morning walk. Well, my body had other plans and asked for a little more rest before we started the day.

After a little rest and some straightening up around the house, Kaleb and I got ready to hit the road. I was fully expecting the rain to come monsooning down on our heads, the moment we hit the trail; however God was shining down on us today! No rain!!!

Well, my poor legs went through some torture of bike riding yesterday... Oh that was too much. Not the bike ride but the attempt to walk down my basement steps after the bike ride. Oh, it would have been a sight to see. My legs were so rubbery that while going down the steps it was as if they were running ahead of the rest of my body. I couldn't keep up with them. It was priceless. I ended up making it down the death trap of steps with the rubber legs.... I so thought I was going to end up face first on the floor at the bottom of the steps... would not have been pretty either. Well, I was able to catch myself and take a sit for a moment before I risked walking the four or five steps to the laundry room. Well, I was good, I took my time hoping that the walking back up the steps wouldn't be as interesting as the trek down them. Well, with laundry basket in hand, I was ready to make the move... Oh going back up was just as hard as the walk down. I swear never again will I do that!!!

Ok, done with the tangent.

We make our way to the bike trail, it is only about a minute drive from my house. We got there and unloaded the stroller and all the things Kaleb "had" to have for our little stroll on the trail.

The weather was PREFECT for a nice stroll.... and we were off. My goodness, the first few minutes were just calm and collected... I had one ear phone in so I could listen to some music and still be able to hear all that was going on around me, including Kaleb.

The sun started to shine brighter and the humidity was getting a little out of hand, but the air that I was breathing was so mmmmmmm.... It was the smell of Fall.

The sweet first smell of Autumn is the most amazing scent I could ever experience. It was that combination of apple trees, wet leaves, and the linger on an oncoming rain storm. I had to turn off my music. I wanted to take it all in, NOT just the smell, NOT just the sight, I needed it all! I wanted to be overwhelmed by the magnificence of it all.

The wind blowing through the trees, rustling the leaves all around, the babbling of a little brook, the chirping of birds, and the squeaking of the insects. Seeing the leaves float around with the wind, the Autumn flowers swaying, and soft sweet breeze cooling the back of my neck bringing in the delicious aroma of Autumn.

The invigorating aroma and the relaxed state I was in from the walk has set my mood to be so calm! I love it! The Autumn is my all time favorite season!!!!

Some quotes... just love quotes!

2009-09-22T09:01:00.004-04:00

Well, this morning started off very well. I am thrilled about that. I am tired of being so down in the dumps so often. I want so much more out of life. So much more!!!!! I want to do things!!!

Yet, I know that I am the one that holds myself back. Fear is a nasty thing! It grabs hold of your ankles and keep pulling you back even when you right on the brink of grabbing that ledge you know that if you grab, you will be alright... Damn that ledge is just in sight and just out of reach!

So a few blogs back I mentioned a quote that really speaks volumes to a person like me. The kind of person who stands still and doesn't move but her eyes to look around as life just keeps zooming by, while she just collects dust! UGH! Well, today I came across some quotes that I REALLY like.

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning. By Albert Einstein

Live life fully while you're here. Experience everything. Take care of yourself and your friends. Have fun, be crazy, be weird. Go out and screw up! You're going to anyway, so you might as well enjoy the process. Take the opportunity it learn from your mistakes; find the cause of your problem and eliminate it. Don't try to be prefect, just be an excellent example of being human. By Anthony Robbins

One day at a time -- this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future; for it has not yet come. Live in the present and make so beautiful it will be worth remembering. Author Unknown

There is in the worst of fortune the best of chances for a happy ending. By Euripides

Do just once what others say you can't do, and you will never pat attention to their limitations again. By James R. Cook

Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." By Charles M. Schultz

Well, those are some of the ones I just truly love! All inspiring and motivating.

25 Firsts...

2009-09-21T22:48:00.002-04:00

1. Who was your first prom date? Well, that would be Jason. He was also the person I happened to marry. We went to my Junior Prom, however he wasn't the first person who asked me to a prom, but my mom wouldn't let me go before then.

2. Do you still talk to your first love? No. I haven't talked to him in a couple of years. We had reconnected a few years back on MySpace.... but that was short lived too.

3. What was your first alcoholic drink? Oh goodness. I would have to say that it was some little airplane type bottles of alcohol. I was at my friend Jen's house for one of the New Years... I am guessing it was becoming 1994 or 1995. We had our friend Courtney with us as well. We drank a couple of those bottles and then filled them with some of the alcohol from her parents stash... we were sliding down small little snow hills in the neighbors yard in the middle of the night.

4. What was your first job? I started working at Handel's Ice Cream when I was 15. It was great fun. I loved working there. But sadly that was the start of when I had to start buying all my own things.... I mean come on working 15 hours a week during the summer, wasn't going to get me thru the year.

5. What was your first car? 1983 Oldsmobile Reliant. That thing was beat to hell. Oh, the potholes that jumped out in front of me and the curbs that tried to trip me up. The transmission was a POS and it was what taught me how to listen for certain sounds; that to this day I can tell when the car has a problem with the transmission over anything else.

6. Who was the first person to text you today? That would be my sister in law Tibi, to tell me about leaving Kyle's shoes at her house over the weekend.

7. Who was the first person you thought of this morning? Kaleb, because the little turd woke up at 3:30 this morning and didn't go back to sleep until after 9am. Not too happy about that one!

8. Who was your first grade teacher? Mrs. Pecillo..... I hated her!!!!

9. Where did you go on your first flight, in an airplane.... No where. I have never flown.

10. Who was your first best friend and do you still talk? Tracie Z. Well, we kind of keep in touch through FaceBook. We are around.

11. Where was your first sleep over? I think at this girl Nicole's house. I ended up calling my mom and going home in the middle of the night.

12. Who was the first person to talked to today? That would be Kaleb again, since we were the only two awake so damned early.

13. Whose wedding were you in for the first time? Well, I was dubbed a flower girl for my sister Treva's wedding, but I only got dressed up for a reception after they got married in Hawaii. Although, after that I was a bridesmaid in my brother's wedding.

14. What was the first thing you did this morning? Started praying to please let Kaleb go to sleep so that I can go to sleep.

15. What was the, first concert you went to? That would be a Boys 2 Men concert in 1994. Oh the concert was fun... but the drive home was the best... Jen screaming about having to go pee so bad that she was pointing out the red port a potty in a construction zone on the side of the freeway.

16. First Tattoo? Still in the making in my head. I am going to get one, one of these days... just figuring out what it is that I really want. I do know where I want it... around the ankle and on the top of my foot.... or just around the ankle.... but I am coming up with what I want.

17. First piercing? That would be my ears. I had little yellow birdies.

18. First foreign country you went to? Went to Canada.... I believe Jason and I had went there for some reason or another.... It was awesome! I loved it!!!

19. First movie you remember seeing? I have no clue, but the movie that pops into my head is All I Want For Christmas. My mom took me and a friend to see it. It was a cute movie. Every time I see it these days, it reminds me of when I went to the movies with my mom.

20. What state you lived in? That would be where I was born... Ohio!

21. Who was your first roommate? Well other than my mom... that would be Jason.

22. When was your first detention? I want to say it was either my freshman or sophomore year... I was giggling in study hall. It was my birthday and a friend of mine brought me a gift and she gave it to me in study hall. I opened it and got scowled at for the wrapping paper noises... then when I was giggling about something with my friend the nasty study hall wench gave me detention. Well.... I didn't end up going, being the defiant ass I was then.... Turns out that when you don't go, then the days just start to double. I ended up getting 24 detentions extra... but couldn't serve in the afternoon.... so that turned them into 48 detentions for the morning.... So then I went twice and never had to go again....because the detention principal was a dirty perv.

23. When was your first kiss? I was 14... After I had walked home to my friend Amanda's house... we walked home with my boyfriend, Nick, at the time. We got to her backyard and we were sitting on the back porch. Well, he just walked up to me and kissed me. It was the sloppiest wettest most disgusting thing ever. I never wanted to do it again. But he kept kissing me. I so thought I would need a bib.

24. What is one thing you would learn, if given the chance? I would want to learn multiple languages. I think that would be the greatest thing ever!!!!

25. Who will be the next to post this.... I say Melinda from Just Me.

some afternoon dream interpretation

2009-09-21T12:52:00.002-04:00

Well, last night I just couldn't sleep. I just couldn't there was nothing more I could about it than just lay in bed with eyes wide open, praying for some sleep. Well, Kaleb had woke up at around 3:30 am and was wide awake and ready for the day. I laid with him while he watched cartoons. I think I dozed for about 45 mins at the most before I got up to get Kyle ready for school. Well, Kaleb was still up and while I laid down to try to rest my eyes the hour before I had to get Cadence up to get ready for school he watched more cartoons... no rest for me. Well, about 9ish this morning, he conked out.. THANK YOU GOD!!!!

I was able to sneak in about an hour of sleep. During that hour, I would have loved for a completely blank brain... HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Did I really think that was going to happen? That would be the day. Well, in that short time, I had dreamt. My dream was me completely in the dark... there was just darkness all around me. I wasn't completely calm, but I had the sad feeling of completely being alone.

I am one who has to know what my dreams mean. I mean, there has to be a reason why my brain creates some of the images that it does. This one was just unsettling. Not something I like to carry around with me all day. So, I went to the web and to a site that I often use to figure out my wacko dream.

The darkness and being lost in it denotes a sense of desperation and depression or insecurity.

The feeling of being lost suggests that I have lost direction in my life or I have lost sight of my goals. That I may be feeling insecure (there is that word again) about the path I am taking with my life.

The feeling of being alone indicates the feeling of rejection, as if no one understands me.

Well, I am aware of these things and can do without them in my dreams. But apparently my body it telling me that there is only so much more it can take before it decides to cease working for me.

I decided to do some research today.... I am looking towards the goal at hand... and I will not falter. I can not falter. I must keep moving... I can't be alone in the dark lost.... I just can't!

doesn't make much sense, but oh well

2009-09-19T14:48:00.004-04:00

Today.... hmmm.... I have so much to say so there may be just some crazy jumping around... may not make much sense at times, but really do I often make sense?

I think I have really come to terms with why I am the way I am... NOT!!!!! I have realized that I DO know that I am capable to doing what I want to do. That I AM capable of being who I want to be. That there IS hope out there that I can be truly and insanely happy.

I know I have what it takes to do what needs to be done... but I am still pondering over why in the hell I am standing still. It makes me angry. GRRRRR!!!!

I spent some time with some great people today. People that I have grown to love and adore. People that I would hate to not have in my life. Maybe that is a reason why I stand still... because I fear they will not follow me.

The first part of this blog started on Saturday... it is now Sunday and I have really realized somethings.... Things I don't think I have ever allowed myself to think before. Things that just terrify me to think. I have so many great friends and family. I am afraid of how they will be when I start walking again. I was told today, that if they don't follow, then they weren't worth it to begin with.

Have you ever seen the TV show, Wipeout?? There is this thing on there called the motivator... I need one of those to give me my push forward.

late night ramblings of the rambler

2009-09-19T00:00:00.007-04:00

Life is such a funny thing. Yeah, I said it. I have gone back and forth between believing in fate. It comes and goes on whether I do or do not believe in this four letter word.

I used to believe that there was a plan set out for each person that has been created in this world. Not that each step has been planned out, but each fork in the road will always be there, waiting for the individual to come to it, to make a decision and then there is a set life to go from there, with more up and coming forks to cross. I have recently lost sight in this. I mean, I understand that we are designed to make our own choices, but society helps feed us what to do next. No, I am not trying to place blame for any of my actions, those I whole-heartily except as my own. Many not wise, while others the best choices I have ever made in my life.

I used to believe that there was a set destiny for each person. That there is a set design... a final place to hang our hats- however, over time I have learned that there is no way that is possible. We can everyday decide to take a left turn rather than a right turn.... or even the other way around. Not is set in stone... any little ripple can effect so much.

My ideas and thoughts about Karma were pretty much the same. I believed without a shadow of a doubt that you get what you dish out. Then I came to the decision, that there is NO way in hell that can be possible to the fullest extent. I know for a fact that I have not done anything so horrible to go through what I go through. I mean, how many people do you know to have a Breast cancer scare, viral meningitis, 2 bulging discs, severe colds and viruses all in one year... not to forget to mention the life I have led. I mean really??????

I have decided you have to make your own path... You have to make your own good fortune. The is no way around that. I mean, I know that I keep myself in the position that I am in, and it is my own fault, but WOW is it a slap in the face to have someone else point out to you just how stupid it is.

I don't point fingers at why I do what I do or why I stay where I stay. Granted, there are reasons behind why I feel the way I do, but none for why I don't act.

But life, proves to have its own little scheme everyday. The choices me make, bring people in and out of our lives in ways that are amazing.... The choices that one makes can bring in an unexpected person to become an absolute best friend.... or can take away someone that was held near to your heart.

I used to want a time machine to go back and change things from my past... to cut out the heart ache, to remove the pain, to dislodge the disgust.... But, I would not be half the woman I am today if I had not endured the experiences I have. I wouldn't have my perfect babies, I surely would not have the friends that I have.... To get rid of some pain.... would NOT be worth the loss of so many amazing and wonderful things.

Early morning mind madness

2009-09-18T08:57:00.008-04:00

I do not write for the sympathy or the pity of others... I do not write to get other people to tell me how sorry they are for me. I write because I enjoy the artistic release with the occasional twinge of humor and entertainment. Usually I use my writing as my own attempt of therapy... my own deranged method of therapy... Hey there is no copay for that right??? Also, I find it better than beginning my day with a spiked OJ or numbing my senses with pills.

Well, this morning as I was trying to rest my eyes between getting my kids ready for school(there is a 2 hour span between when the bus picks Kyle up to when another bus picks Cadence up) my mind went off on one of its crazy rants. Maybe rant isn't the right word, perhaps a little harsh.

Well here we go:

I am just a little girl that is all wrapped up in the skin of a woman. No there is no mental disability just maybe an emotional one...hahaha

This morning I remembered a time when I was about 13 or so. I am sure that many of us remember that when we were that age the world revolved around us. Each one of us individually... if not for you, the world sure as hell revolved around me during my teenage years.

Well, of course, for just about every 13 year old girl there is ALWAYS a boy- this one was my latest heart throb crush. Or course at that time there was no other boy that I would ever love- Funny I can hardly remember what this kid looks like now. Well, I was majorly crushing (like there was any other way) on this boy and of course you tell your friends. There was one person who I thought I was friends with (wow I was stupid- or guess just young) ended up getting to go to this party (again... I was never allowed to leave me house) and while there she made out with him. Oh when I found out I wanted to die... I hated the world... it was crashing in around me and there was no reason to go on. Dramatic I know, I was 13 year old girl.

Naturally, my life was over. I was heart broken and so betrayed. (a sense of foreshadowing perhaps-something to look forward to in the future) I cried that whole day in my room. I sat in this one chair in room and sobbed and cried and acted like a major drama queen. My mother attempted to help in her way-although greatly unsuccessful.

"you're a beautiful girl- there is no need to cry over this."

"mom, you just don't get it... you don't understand" ( i mean we all know that our parents were never kids or teenagers)

"Honey, I was young once. There is no need to cry like this, if just shows weakness."

"I don't want you here right now- just go away- I want my dad!" (I am pretty sure this was the key moment of my mother turning on me)

I wasn't a daddy's girl by no means. Hell, I barely even knew my dad. But at that moment I knew what I wanted, and my dad was it. I wanted him to be sitting in that chair, in my room, with me curled up on his lap; my face buried in his chest-crying my eyes out. With his big daddy arms wrapped around me squeezing me to him, giving me a kiss on the top of my head.

I wanted to hear him tell me that boys are stupid- he wasn't good enough for me anyway-that no one ever will be. I wanted to have the one man who never lets his little girl down to be at my side right then at that moment. Granted there were many moments throughout my life... moments that only a fathers love and hug could help.

And even at 29 (getting all too close to 30) I still want my daddy.

a smilely day... followed by a not so smilely day

2009-09-17T12:17:00.010-04:00

You know that one of the greatest things is when you reconnect with people you once knew in your past. It is the best feeling to know that you are not as forgettable as you have been lead to believe. When you reconnect with a past friend, that time so cruelly took away, it just makes ya happy.... at least that is how it is for me... I was so super excited last!!!

Well, today however, has the light of something else.... Evil People. As many of you remember, the stupid office that I worked for fired me because I was sick and in the hospital last year... Well, I have a friend who has been sick for a little while now. She works for the same piece of shit company I did. She will be going back to work soon and I am a bit worried about what is awaiting her.

Well, it turns out that one of the bitches that works there, that I once upon a time sadly thought was a friend of mine (she was also in my friends wedding), had decided to start running her mouth about things she knows nothing about. When my friend first started getting sick, this stupid bitch would try everything she could to find out something that was going on... well that doesn't upset me, but she then decided to get pissed because my friend didn't want others knowing what was going on. She was a bitch to me when I told her that it wasn't my place to tell her what was going on and if my friend wanted everyone to know, she would be the one to tell her. Well, you would have thought I called her a stupid whore bitch with the way she reacted.

Well, I find out that she has the nerve to now start telling people that my friend, who is on a medical leave of absence, isn't sick at all. That she is always doing things and if she can do certain things.... then she can work.

I swear sometimes I really want to know why there are such stupid people in the world. I want to know what makes them think that they can just do or say whatever they feel like... regardless of who it can and will hurt in the long run.

Well.... just really wanted to vent. Thanks for reading!

just some random ramblings... the usual by far

2009-09-15T14:08:00.003-04:00

Have you ever felt like there was something you want to say or do.... but you just don't know what or how? That is how I feel today. I have been going through many of the other blogs that I have so enjoyed reading in the past. They were a nice addition to my day.

Lately I have been going through an emotional roller coaster of emotions. The ups, downs and loop de loops have, at times, been a bit more than I can handle. I have been reading a lot and I don't think I have read this much in years. I am actually on my 11th book, and it all started about a couple of weeks ago.

I have been watching movies to also try to numb the constant vibrations of my brain... but fictional lives don't help matters much. They just add to the thoughts that are always crossing my mind. I have always been a very daydreamy type of person, but as of lately.... it just seems to be getting worse.

I have been thinking a lot about what I really love to do and what I really want to do with my life. I have always loved photography and taking pictures. I have also wanted to travel all around the world. I want to see places and experiences cultures. I have a list of places I would love to go.. Ireland; Sweden; The Isle of Man; England; Germany; Japan; and the list just goes on and on. I also want to take my children on trips across the US to teach them of their American
Heritage.

Those are just a few of the things that I want. I want to go back to school. I just want to learn so much about so much. I want to learn new languages and teach them to my children. I want to be worldly and of the world all at the same time.

I also want to have an emotion smoothness. I understand that as humans we have a wide range of emotions. That is all acceptable. Yet, I can do with out the constant thoughts of things that make no sense. Or even when my mind realizes all of my weaknesses.

I am not saying that I am perfect... no one is. I have my issues... who doesn't. Yet, I know that I am just an average everyday woman: pony tail hair style, jeans and t-shirt wardrobe, little to no make-up, and absolutely in love with my children.

So why do I have so many thoughts about things that just drive me insane? Are there others out there that day dream of things that are outside the realm of your everyday normalcy? Are there others who just can't seem to get up over the one hump they know is holding them back from the rest of their lives? Or am I completely alone with this?

I know most of my post jumps all around and probably makes little to no sense... sorry.... but for some reason, I can't seem to lump my thoughts into something that makes actual sense. They just all keep jumping out of my mind into my fingers and across the keyboard. They needed to escape. :)

good grief

2009-09-14T08:43:00.002-04:00

Dreams are so insane! Sometimes, I really wonder what goes through my mind before I go to sleep. Well, I remember clearly the thoughts I was thinking last night before I went to sleep, and they had NO part in what I dreamt.

My wild fantasy mind was working overtime last night. Ohhh, my newest actor heart throb is Alexander Skarsgard (yum). I know, I am almost 30 years old and the mother of three... but that man makes my blood pump.

Well, that was who I was thinking of before I finally met with the sandman's demands. Yet, my dreams were far more odd. I usually have paranoid and anxiety ridden dreams, so that wasn't out of the ordinary for me. And in this one I was far more calm and helped to rectify the issue.

I had dreamt that I had gotten my two oldest on the bus for school, that my youngest was in the living room watching cartoons and there were all these really extremely buff men all around my house. What were they doing, you wonder... they were "pretending" to be doing yard work. There were some with bags, and rakes, and mulch, and a push mower. A couple were standing in my neighbors yard, like it was a daily occurrence for such a scene in my yard. Then I seen a couple of them start to sneak by my fence talking about how someone was coming. But this person never came.

I walked into my house, completely confused. There was a man sitting on my couch next to my son, he was in jeans and a tight t-shirt and a gun holstered to his side. (My dreams are very vivid- sometimes too vivid) He stood up and was super polite, asked me if I would mind him searching my house. He stated that there was an escaped con on the loose and he was noted as heading this way. They had seen him cutting through some yards (the cops were also hiding out in a vacant house behind me, watching and waiting for this guy) and he was close to coming around to the front of my property when he vanished. They believed he had gotten into my backyard, which was completely searched and turned up empty. The think he had entered the house.

I told him to do whatever he needed to and if I should take my son and run like hell. He told me that my best bet was to behave as though I had people at my house often doing work as such and to behave as though I was going about my daily life... no worries. So, I went to check my back door, it was unlocked (i thought, damn kids) and it wasn't completely shut. I went back to tell the officer this. He asked to check the upstairs and down and I told him all of the places that may look like nothing but to search because they were easy to hide in.

Well, I went and stood in my kitchen and was looking out the window. Well, from my house to the actual house behind me, there is no way to see into each others houses, however, dreams don't always follow those guidelines. There was an officer (someone I really do know) pulling his shirt down showing a woman his complete six pack. He noticed me watching and we both started laughing.

At some point he made his way over and asked how I was. Asked where my wedding ring was, I told him I was divorced and then I said, So it is always protocol to flash people. (oddly something we would really talk about in my awake world if we still spoke to each other) He told me that I had not need to be jealous... then at that moment, my son was crying in his room and they won't let me get to him. I was fighting and screaming for him to come to mommy, but they kept me back til someone had checked it out.

He had fallen and I was pissed. Next thing I know, the guy from my couch told me, that it was a definite that this strange escaped criminal was in my house, there is evidence that shows he entered, but none to prove he left. Turn just before my alarm went off, I turned to my friend and said you can't leave. You need to find him. Please don't let him hurt my babies don't let him hurt me. He looked at me and swore to never leave my side again.

I really wonder why I dream. I mean really!? There has got to be something chemically wrong with my brain to make me have such vivid dreams. To be honest, that was a pretty mild one. Usually I am running around with a gun or weapon of some form, being chased or hunting someone who had made the impression of hurting one of my children. There are nights that I would love to have a goofy dream or even dream about someone/thing of my minds fantasy. Though, never really successful on that one.

Oh, on a side note; I colored my hair yesterday. It was supposed to turn out well... of it is almost black... if not black. Once I style it and put a little makeup on (so I don't look so washed out) I will put up a picture. It is interesting to say the least. Maybe now, I can turn goth... hahahaha!

late night thoughts....they never let you sleep

2009-09-13T00:28:00.002-04:00

I absolutely love to write. I have been writing for as long as I can remember. I have notebooks and composition books, and folders and binders and loose papers everywhere in this house from the times of being a teenager.

I came across a composition book that I had started writing in while still in Junior High School... there were some of my earliest poems in there. I really wonder what in the world went through my young mind. There are thoughts and feelings and emotions in those words that I KNOW I have never experienced at that age. It makes me think that I have always been this wounded creature. Who knows.... maybe most early and late teens have similar thought processes.

Well, last night I wanted to get on an write something... but it was about 4am... and that just wanted happening. However, I couldn't sleep because the damned thoughts were rushing my mind and not letting me rest long enough for the sandman to come in whisk me off to a restful (hahaha-yeah right) slumber.

So, I took out one of my many notebooks and wrote it down so that I can transfer the thoughts to my wonderful blog. So here is goes...

I watched a movie this night-the title is of no consequence. The movie was a depiction of a time our country was at war. The story was real, the story rang true... though the actors played fictional characters- the lives lost during the retelling only mimic the lives of those truly lost.

The direction of this film shadowed the lives of those who were enemies in a time well gone. Again, completely understanding, fictional people were used to show the similarities of the human race.

Through my life I have known power to be what the greedy and selfish seek- and the force behind their drive have proven to be deadly at all costs. Moral are different between all, which makes us each more alike then many care to recognize.

This film, although unreal, brought and ache to my heart and tears to my eyes. Yet an awakening to my soul- to comprehend: Men and women through generations have battles, while more than one single person can imagine have lost their own life battle to ensure that every day people regardless of race, religion, sexuality, or country can continue to fight their own personal life battles.

The premise behind each war is for the increased power- yet to me, with my little awakening and opening of my eyes- is the power to continue living.

I have taken advantage and have taken for granted the simplicity of waking each morning with shelter, food and the love my children. I have assumed that is is my right to maintain my life style- while complaining over trivial displeasures.

I have awakened to learn that it is my privilege to be able to wake each day and rest each night- because somewhere in the world someone is fighting the battle to allow me and all other people the ability to continue on.

That is what I wrote last night at 4 in the morning... I mean there were about a million of thought flooding my mind, but that is what I was able to get to paper. I also remembered how stinking long it takes to write something out versus typing it. The wonders and convenience of technology.

Well, I think one of these days, I will also put up some of my past work... things that I wrote years ago... even over a decade ago. Crazy!

Thinking... It's overrated!

2009-09-11T08:29:00.002-04:00

So, I have come to terms with the process we all call thinking. To be perfectly honest, thinking is overrated!

Now don't get me wrong, I strongly believe in using the thought process to analyze and execute actions in many aspects of life. What I can't seem to take anymore are the thoughts that you just can't seem to control. The ones that make a person feel less adequate, over stressed, under appreciated, over stimulated, un-everything. The thoughts of what if, if only, wouldn't it be nice, the ones that we really can't do a damned thing about.

I am sure what I am saying makes little sense, but hey I know what I am saying....

I would give most anything for a day without a thought to cross my mind. A week would be heaven, what about a month or even a year, maybe then I wouldn't feel so damned exhausted just from thinking.

It has been too long....

2009-09-09T12:51:00.004-04:00

Wow... it has been about forever since I have been on here. I used to be a blogging fool. Awhile back I used to have a Myspace account. Through Myspace I had a blog, that was before I knew about this wonderful little place here. Once I was introduced to the greatness of BlogSpot.com I ended my mad blogging through Myspace. Yet something else ended with that, I lost the desire to write. No, I don't so much associate it with the canceling my Myspace page, that would make absolutely no sense what so ever. I think that alot of my drive for writing has to do with my moods. I am sure that many of you can relate to that... I guess that I am just so lost in so much, that I just don't know anything these days.

I have an attachment to my blog that gives a motivation quote a day.... (I am a quote junkie... i love them). The quote that was on my page today really shot out and stuck to me today.... "If you want to get somewhere you have to know where you want to go and how to get there. Then never, never, never give up. by-Norman Vincent Peale"

I have been going through some issues lately that are all to familiar to me. I thought, even if it were just for a small few months, that I was OK. That maybe just once in my life I was going to be happy, I was going to ok. Apparently, I was fooling myself. (I am still trying to figure that one out)

I got married in May of 2001. I was already a mother, to the first of my three children. I had always wanted to get married, but i didn't want to get married that day. I wasn't forced into it, I wasn't made to do anything. However, I was also not told that I wasn't going to be a complete disappointment to everyone of those who love me if I didn't get married. I know stupid, but that is me.

Within the first 6 months of my marriage, I was miserable, with a capital M... I hated my husband, I grew to resent him, and loathe everything about life in general. I didn't have a car, I didn't have many friends (although the ones I did have were amazing) I never went anywhere, I wasn't allowed to. I was taking care of my child ALONE. My husband did whatever he wanted to and that was that. No way around it. I just kept getting worse and worse.

Over time I had reconnected (via the Internet) with an old friend from when we were high school. We didn't go to school together, but we had mutual friends, in fact he was the boyfriend of one of my friends from high school. We all, in one hell of a large group, would go out all the time. Well, he had joined the Army and moved away shortly after the summer ended after we had all graduated. We had tried to stay in touch, but for one reason or another, that doesn't always work. Well, there he was, right there a typed message away. We started talking again... mainly about the stupid things we all did when we were younger... too bad that was only about a little over 3 year ago... i know too funny. We had discussed the silliness of simple crushes and what ifs.

Well, I was at a point in my life, where at that time he was becoming such a friend that I began to trust in him with my every secret. He became my life line. I had ( and still do have) a friend that I was closer to me, that I could have and should have shared all my secrets with, all my pain with, but she was equally a friend of my husband's. So, I turned to him, and told him my sadness, my hate, my disgust, my fears, my wishes, and my dreams. I told him the problems that I was having and the growing hate I had for my husband. And you know what he was there every step of the way. Not in the sense, hmmm, how can I make this work for me. But he helped me work through my fears to see that I was a very strong woman and I could make a simple ripple in the water and make so many changes. I just needed to know what I wanted and where to get, and NEVER NEVER NEVER give up on that. So similar to the quote for today.

Over time, I told my husband the issues that I had with him and he claimed he was fine and did nothing wrong. So at that time, I had decided that what we needed was to separate and get a divorce. That we, if anything, I was too young and this wasn't the wisest thing to have done. We made any agreements and decisions, and I went to stay with my mother. At that time, we agreed that it was best for our son to sleep and maintain his regular life in his home. I would have him from the time he woke to the time it was to go home and go to bed. I understand that was stupid beyond all belief, and I know that I should have never done something like that in my life. But I made that mistake and I regret it everyday.... still to this day even 7 years later.

Those who I thought were my friends during this time, would begin to tell me things that I was just too stupid to have not seen myself. My husband was a lying cheating asshole bastard. There were so many times that he had lied and cheated, that they felt sorry for me, yet they never told me. I have been able to get over the fact my friends were unable to tell me these things and build stronger relationships that have lasted the years.

During this time, I maintained communication with my friend and we had decided to see each other when he was in town from leave in the process of being transferred from one base to another. I seen him and we spent some time together. During my separation from my husband, I grew to really enjoy the company of my friend and we had talked about how we had felt when we were younger and how things in life are so confusing. I grew to love him.

Over time, during the months of the separation, I began working and looking for a job. I had also found out that my husband was trying in every way to make it so that I would lose custody of my son and never see him again. He was going to my family and telling them that I wanted to live the life of a wild party animal with no responsibilities. Then there came a time that I had to choose. He told me that he was just going to take my son and disappear, I would never see him again, and there was nothing I could do... Or I could move home. I went home. I figured I would be able to still work, save money and leave... all the things I knew I could do.

Well, to many of you, you all know I am not the healthiest of individuals. I am rather a sickly person. I ended up finding out that I was going to need surgery for endemetreosis. During that surgery I was informed that had a bad case and a large tumor on one of my ovaries. Luckily it was nothing. But then I was informed that my possibilities of having anymore children would decrease every year, that if I wanted to have anymore children now was the time to start to try.

Well, my marriage was faltering, I pretty much despised my husband, but I didn't think I had any other options. I really do believe I am a weak person. We talked about it and decided to go ahead and try. It took eight months, but I finally got pregnant. Was I any happier about my life, no. Was I looking forward to being a mommy again, YES!!! Thrilled, because I knew it was the one thing I knew I was great at. Well, it was also the most difficult of my pregnancies. I was very sick and lost crazy amounts of weight. Also, one hell of a delivery... But it was all worth it!

Then my second precious little one became 5 months old, my sister-in-law was getting married and it was to be a joyous time. Yet, internally i was still so beaten and bruised. That I felt that I only continued to get worse every day over the weeks, months, and years. Yet, I didn't know what was wrong with me, my husband and I decided to try to make things work, and I had a good home, healthy kids, but a broken abused heart. Then, a few weeks after the wedding, I found out that he was cheating on me AGAIN. God, was I furious. Not that he was cheating on me, but that I was stupid enough to think that he wouldn't. Stupid enough to think that I meant anything at all to him. Stupid enough to let it happen again. I wanted his blood that day. But again, I was weak and did nothing about it. He made me believe that it was my fault. That I pushed him to be with someone else. And not just any one but the bitch who watched my kids.

Well, I started to see a therapist...not a good thing, she was a quack. So I stopped and figured that I would just have to do what I do and just suck it up. I apparently was to weak to do anything about it and that was just that. Well, some time had passed and I was on birth control although I really didn't even want to think about being intimate with him ever again. Yet, alcohol makes you do things that you normally wouldn't. So I ended up realizing my period was a week late. Then another week went by... then I told my husband and we waited yet another week, then it came time to find out what was obvious. The moment that test was positive, I was terrified. How was I going to be able to take care of another baby, we had so many bills, such a small house, the usual fears, but the excitement of being a mommy again. That son of a bitch told me I would "have to take care of this, because we weren't having anymore kids". "Go to one of those places and get it taken care of" I thought another part of me died that day. Now today I am sure that a part of me died that day.

Well, what did I do, yup you guessed nothing. Again, not sure what part of me is so damned weak, but it is there. As my third and youngest grew, my tattered heart still ached.... my mind still wondered and my life just kept going.

Time had passed, and I got an email from my long lost friend and my heart fluttered. Although, I knew nothing would come of it. That was from another time. A time long gone and never to be had again. He wanted our friendship back, he missed me about as much as I missed him. He was a great friend. (if you are out there I want you to know that!) I miss him still.

Well, my husband was back to being an evil asshole who didn't care about anything but himself and his needs and wants. I was tired of it. I wanted out and I was going to make it happen. I told him I wanted a divorce and that was that. I started contacting attorneys and checking out new residence. I had plans, I had big plans. But I didn't have the guts to follow through.

I started to see a therapist again, She was amazing. She helped me out alot... but she knew that I was stuck and that it was me who had to do the unsticking. Unfortunately, I became very ill.... that was last October. It took many months to get over that hump of being ill. But I was able to get past it.

I decided that it was time to try to make a go at my marriage again. To try to MAKE things work., That was that... I had to, it was the only way for me to be happy. I didn't want to be alone for the rest of my life and I didn't think I was good enough for anything else.

Well, it is September 2009 and I am still heart broken, mind numbed, and deteriorating.... What is wrong with me?

Well, today's quote... it really made me think... Not like I haven't been as it is. But What do I want? Where is it? And am I capable of never never never giving up on getting it?

I'm Baaaaaaack!

2009-05-19T15:50:00.002-04:00

Hello to the blogging world! It has been over a month since I have been here and there has just been so much going on. As from my last posted blog, I had family and friends that had been coming in from all over the place. That is not all that has taken place over the past month... I swear sometimes I think I need my own Personal Assistant!

I am going to copy off of my friend Jennie from HappyMayhem and do the count off.... here it goes.

1. Well after the McDonald's Day of Fun, Liz and her three kids came over for a fun night of talking, playing and eating of the beloved Wedgewood Pizza. Most people who lived in this area and have moved away, make it a mission to get a Wedgewood Pizza while in town-it never fails. Well, it was one of those freak gorgeous days so the kids played inside and out- I can say I had a great time. My sister Michelle, from VA can over as well, with my two nieces. Jamie and Jennie were there of course, because any nice day is not complete without the horde of children altogether.

2. Then Liz and I went out to Jess's in Cleveland to spend some more time together, before Liz had to hop back in her truck for more driving and visiting. That night was a blast. The kids all got to play at Burger King and us girls got to dish about all the things that have been effecting our lives. Later that night before I had to head home with my crew, Kayla (Liz's lil girl) gave Kaleb some hugs and kisses. Kaleb now tells everyone that she is his girlfriend.

3. There was a great kite festival that took place and Jennie, Jamie and I took our clan of 8 children. We had a blast. Kites flying everywhere and kids laughing. There were concession stands, and you can't keep me away from that kind of food... MMMM, just thinking about it makes me want it. Usually I am the one getting injured in some way, but this time the curse fell on Jennie. While trying to get a kite out for one her lil men, she chipped her tooth. I want to know how that happened, but it did!

4. The weather was awesome! We played outside with go-carts, sprinklers, 4wheelers, and cooking out. Oh how I love cooking out! We had some great times with that wonderful warm weather. I actually even starting planting some veggies in hopes that I can grow them. Fingers crossed!

5. Finally after several weeks I finally got into the Dentist. I had already been on one antibiotic and the dentist took some xrays and told me to go to a specialist there is nothing that he can do. So he puts me on another antibiotic. Well, two weeks later I get in to see him... Now I have finished the second antibiotic and, four days later got an ear infection, was put on another antibiotic and seeing the specialist. He cleans out the took, says the guy who did the root canal didn't go a good job and put some funky stuff in my tooth that shouldn't have been there, and that is what had made my tooth go black. He cleaned that all out, TOOTH STOPPED HURTING!!!! and the discoloration was gone! I am so happy! I keep just showing all my teeth!

6. Received something in the mail for being referred to and invited to an interview for National American Miss Pageant for Cadence. So we go to the Free interview to see what it is all about. They take Cadence aside, do an interview and tell us we will here from them in a few days.

7. Cadence is a State Finalist for National American Miss Ohio Princess. The Pageant is in June and there is so much to do. We then had to go to a model training that went over everything that we have to work on up to the pageant. Good lord, there is a lot!

8. Still waiting to get back into the dentist to get my root canal completed... I hate the dentist. I swear, teeth are over rated!

9. Helped plan and throw my dad his 60th surprise birthday party. That was so much fun! The kids had a blast and all us kids were able to get together and get him a gas powered backpack leaf blower. I loved every moment of it. I really didn't get to do anything like this for my dad... I hardly got to do anything with him ever. So this was AMAZING!!!!!!

10. We signed Kyle and Cadence up for Soccer this summer. We got started on getting them their things. And they are excited about playing this year, well Cadence is way more excited than Kyle.

11. Cadence has been registered for Kindergarten. Kaleb is registered for Pre-School and Kyle is going to an intermediate school next year. My babies are all growing up! What in the ...???

12. Now we are counting down the last days of school, the days til the pageant, the days til Cadence's graduation ceremony, the days til soccer practices, the days til vacation, the days til soccer games... and so on and so on.....

I am sure I left stuff out, but I have been on the go nonstop for so long and it doesn't seem to have an ending anytime soon... Glad to be back!

Thurday's Mickey D's Adventure!!!!

2009-04-18T21:47:00.008-04:00

Ohh.... Thursday was just the most fun! I got the kids up and took our nice sweet time having a great morning so that we could and would have a terrific time at McDonald's with all the girls. And as it turns out we had a BLAST!!!!

In total there were 6 mom's and two other ladies from my high school and 17 kids.... CRAZY!!! But so much fun! I loved every moment of it! I swear not one person I went to school with that I seen Thursday has changed a bit. Liz, Liz (another one) BJ, Melinda, and Kim haven't changed in the slightest bit... I think that the only way I could even tell that we have been out of school for almost 11 years is that we have any where from 2 to 3 kids... Well, BJ is the only one that has only 2 kids, the rest of us crazies has 3.

These first pictures were the first group... Then when we were all getting ready to get on down the road again... hahahah, not even sure where that came from; Kim came with her three girls. Now, Kim and I were best friends in fourth grade. When we would have to stay inside for recess we would play blow checkers. Oh those were the days....

The second set of pictures are with Kim and the kids again... Ohhh, it was the most fun ever!!!!

The cutest of it all was when Kim and I were talking about our oldests... Her daughter Desi is a boy crazed lady and Kyle and her were being all giggly and googly eyed... TOO CUTE!!! Kyle asked me about her later on that day... and From what Kim told me was that Desi asked about Kyle too... LOVIN IT!!!!

I was so excited to see all of these girls some of us go back as far as Kindergarten... Miss Liz... and fourth grade... Miss Melinda and Miss Kim! It was some great times... I loved every minute of it!

I wish we would all live real close to each other and be able to to do this sort of thing all the time!

Well the fun didn't end there! Liz and her three little monkeys came over on Friday for some great fun... but that is another blog. I am beat from a fun filled day today with friends and family.

Until another time... much love to you all!!!

I just can't hold it all in!!!!

2009-04-15T14:09:00.003-04:00

I'm so excited! I just can't hide it.... you know you know... i am singing out loud at the top of my lungs....

I am going to McDonald's to play with my three crazy daisies... and all the little crazy daisies of my friends...There is going to a mad house in the McDonald's play area today!!!! Look out Ronald... we are coming to rock this joint!

I have two friends from school who live in different states that in Ohio this week... and they are going to be spending some time with me today!!! I am so freaking stoked! I can't sit still and I am jumping up in down on the inside and the outside!!!

I will update to you with all the fun we have!!! YEAH!!!!!!!

What did I do to my son's hair????

2009-04-13T12:05:00.006-04:00

So I have been MIA for some time now. It has been crazy in my world for a little while... not all great... my tooth is still evil and I haven't been feeling the best! Not to forget to mention that Easter was just yesterday and everything that I had to do to get ready for that.

Well, there is so much I want to talk about... but this post will be dedicated to the killer job I did on my son's hair. Let me start off with I have always cut his hair. I have always trimmed it and maintained his hair for him. He has never once been to a place to have it cut, I have always cut it. Well, with the one exception of his daddy shaving his head once.

Well, he was in some serious need of a cut, it was shaggy and he has a double callick (or however you spell it). I tried to just trim the back and sides... still was looking bad. So I decided to take the clippers to his hair. Again something I have done on many other occasions. Well, apparently I was having an out of body experience. Because I was not present at the time of cutting.

Let's just say that words are useless and you can be the judge here are some pictures of what I had done.....

So I called my husband and told him I was taking him to Famous Hair... I sent him a picture and he called me up and asked if I was drunk. Talk about super funny! Well, I get him to the hair place and they just look at him like what in the hell did you mother do to your head.

I told the woman that his father took the clippers to his head last night when I told him not to and now there is nothing I can do to fix it. She chuckled and said he husband has done the same thing, but they had to shave their son's head afterwards. So we had a nice giggle over our husbands... mwahahahahahahahahaa! There was no way I was admitting to anyone that I did that to my little baby.

Well, she made his hair awesome... He looks like a super dooper big boy now... You will love it!!!!!

So until another time... much love to you all and I am back!!!

it's been awhile

2009-04-03T20:12:00.003-04:00

Wow! What a crappy week!!! It has not been pretty! It started last Saturday morning when I awoke to some of the worst tooth pain ever... Or at least it felt that way. I tried to suffer through it most of the day, learning that with any movement of my mouth, lips, tongue.... it made the pain worse. Sunday, I didn't even get out of bed. Everytime I sat up the throbbing would commence. UGH!!!

Well, Monday I went on the hunt down for a dentist, the one I used to see was not the best. Well, I had to wait until today, which was the earliest appointment that I could get. Then I called my family doc cuz this pain wasn't getting any better. I couldn't bite anything and it was a bitch to chew or even close my mouth. He gave me an antibiotic and some pain meds. Now, I am not a pain med taker... I will if need be... but not all that often! I get doopey... too funny sometimes.

Well, I need the pain pills just to eat... Well, the week went pretty decently... quickly which was rather nice. I have so much to brag about...

I received Cadence and Kaleb's progress reports from pre-school this week. I was one proud mama!!! The teachers in Kaleb's class said that he has come such a long way from when he started and that he is just wonderful. And that they will miss him-since he doesn't go anymore... boo hoo!

Well, this is what Cadence's teacher, who is also the director of the center said about her...
"You know that girl in high school that was prom queen and in all the advanced classes? Everyone wanted to be her. Well, I believe that is the girl you are raising. She is an absolute pleasure to have."

Talk about one PROUD mama!!!!

Also got Kyle's report card today... Let me just say that I am so proud of him... All A's and B's. He is doing so wonderfully in school. So because he has been doing so great he got to have a couple of friends over tonight.

Well, my tooth is hurting... until another time... much love to you all

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

2009-03-31T10:15:00.003-04:00

So I am a big box of whiny baby... I have had a tooth that wants me to yank it out and stomp on it til it is dust in the wind. I woke Saturday to the pain that since hasn't gone away or even let up. I want to scream... but talking and moving any part of my mouth hurts the damned thing all the more.

I hate being down... I still have to post my Weekend Update... so much to talk about. And I will get there... between pain during the day and being doped up on pain meds in the evening... I am really not in the blogging mood... But I will be back up and blogging my brains out soon enough... I see the dentist on Friday... I MAY BE COMPLETELY TOOTHLESS BY THEN!!!!

a little of everything

2009-03-27T09:10:00.003-04:00

I have a few random thoughts to spew at you...Just a few things that I found to stick out about my week.

The other night I watched the movie The House Bunny... I must say that it was cute but rather brain numbing as well. I am sure most men would enjoy this movie while on mute. Anywho, My youngest son, was lying on my lap because he wasn't feeling all that great that night. Once the movie was over and I turned on the DVD player, he sat up and said,

"I want to watch the Barbies again."

The barbies, Kaleb. What barbies?

The barbies with the boobies. Mommy, turn it back on.

So, now that I know my 3 year old in infatuated with boobies... I lost it. Too funny.

This week was his last week for preschool. When I was working the kids were in preschool/daycare fulltime. Mon thru Fri 8 to 5. Well, when I was so graciously let go... assholes... I had to cut the kids down to Cadence Mon thru Fri half days and Kaleb Tues and Thurs half days. Well, over time... even though it completely cute the monthly bill in a little more than half we still weren't going to be able to afford it. So I had to cut Cadence down to just 4 days a week and Kaleb now stays home with me until Sept. I am sad about it and cried when I was gathering all of his things when I picked him up yesterday.

Last night after dinner Kaleb and I were playing. I would blow a bubble with my gum and he would pop it... cracking up laughing that a little hyena. Too funny!

Cadence has been having some completely crazy nights. She usually has nightmares that verge on night terrors. This has been going on since she was 2. It is killer when she does it because her screaming is terrifying. I have talked to the pediatrician about it, but he says she should just grow out of it. Well, she isn't. One night she dreamt that Santa Claus was trying to take her lil brother and her and kyle (the older bro) had to stop him. She said that his little green evil men, elves, were coming at them trying to cut them up and they had to kill them all. Then they cut up Santa so that they could save Kaleb. A couple of nights ago she dreamt that a police officer just came and took her friend to prison and all he was doing was laying on his trampoline. She was screaming and crying out to him. What I can't get is that she has these nightmares about people that are not bad. I mean Santa is supposed to be one of the greatest guys around and the police are here to protect. She used to dream about a wolf but that went away when she told me that I had to cut him up into little pieces. She was 3 at the time. I have a doc appt with the ped. in about two weeks so I will be talking to him about this AGAIN!

Kyle is doing really good. He is actually getting his homework done within a 45 min range when it would take him 2 to 3 hours. I am completely thrilled at that. His attitude is even getting better. Ahhh...so wonderful. He usually fights with me everyday... that has pretty much come to an end. I am LOVING it!!!

I let the buses use my driveway to turn around in, it is safer for them and it is convenient for my kids to be picked up. Well, I also have a front island on grass between the horseshoe driveway and the street. Now the bus that pulls into my driveway not only pulls in here like a bat out of hell racing in the Indy 500, but she has been over time ruining my island. She is completely taking chunks of the land and making what once was a nice gradual slope into a drop off that could kill someone on a tractor. Well, they started to re-gravel my driveway today... now I am hoping that they do something about the hideousness they have created in my front yard.

Erm... I do not know what else I can throw in here. I have other things to say, but they are for another post another time.

Until another time... much love to you all!

Some additional prayers are needed....

2009-03-25T14:04:00.003-04:00

So, my youngest sister is engaged to a man in the Army. He had been deployed in Egypt since August and this week was to be his first leave. He was lucky to be able to come home the week of his daughter's 4th birthday. Him and my sister decided to plan a nice trip for the 3 of them to go to Florida and take my niece to Disney World. I was super excited for them.

Well, I got a phone call from my mom (yes we are talking again) and she didn't have good news to share. It just so happens that when my future bro in law was boarding the plane he made it as far as the plane itself and was asked for his boarding pass. Being someone who has never flown-the whole process is confusing to me and terrifies me- well he was asked and when he told them he wasn't given one when they checked his ticket, they told him that he needed to get off the plane and get it. They escorted him off... He says that the second he existed they shut the doors and before he made it to the ticket check in place (don't know names of these things) the plane took off. WHAT THE FUCK!?

When he went to find out why they told him that they only had one other flight out to the States... and that it wasn't until tomorrow... they made him get another ticket. He also asked to use a phone and was refused... The guy only had enough cash on him to get the new ticket and a little bit more than that. Well, he asked someone there to use their cell phone... They made him pay. Again WHAT THE FUCK!?

He was told that if he didn't take the flight tomorrow that the next one was April 3rd... and then he wouldn't get to take his leave. Well, at this point he is now waiting to get on the flight tomorrow... he now has to stay the night in the airport, no money for food or anything else... and just wait.

He will still make it in time for their flight to Florida... but still...

What the HELL is wrong with people? What kind of person would charge someone to use their phone to call phone to let family know that they aren't going to be on the flight he was supposed to be.

I am asking for you all to pray for him to find someone worth something that will being able to give a little help until his flight. I am asking for you to pray for him to make that flight tomorrow without hesitation. I am asking for you to pray for him to make it home safely to see his daughter and fiancee and to get his little girl to Disney for her birthday.

Thank you to all of you in advance for your help and your prayers!

Memories....Can be a bitch

2009-03-24T12:04:00.002-04:00

So... Do you ever have those days where you think about things you would rather not think about? I am not meaning chores that need to be done, errands that need running, or bills that need paid. I am talking about memories from a time in your life that you would like to just have go away.

Memories that at the time of the creation were amazing moments that you would love to keep a hold of for the rest of your life... that is if it would have done the way you were planning it to at that time. Yet, over time... your plan back during that time disappeared and was replaced by you or by someone else. Now you are somewhere else... doing things that weren't part of that other plan... Confused yet!?

Now you are sitting alone drinking your morning coffee, reading the new People Magazine, washing some dirty dishes, separating laundry or just driving home... those little bastards just pop into your head without warning. Bringing back a moment that was so everything you once wanted and thought you would have. Reminding you that you were once so irresistibly happy and full of hope and joy for what was to come. Reminding you of a smell or a look or a touch... reminding you that you no longer have that. Pissing you off, just because they can.

Now I am not talking about memories of pain or abuse. Not even memories of wrong doings... I am talking about those memories that are sweet and dear and if things had gone the way you had once planned... they would be a welcome reminder of wonderful things. Yet, since your life took another path... they are still there... every so often popping in to say... Hey asshole, you will never forget me and I don't care.. NOW SUFFER!

I was on my way home from dropping the kids off at school and preschool today. I had an old mixed CD in the player and a stupid song came on that just flooded my mind with memories of a time that I try to forget. A time I thought I had it all planned out. A time that living in a fantasy world in my mind was just beginning. The memories started coming in slowly and I was able to handle that.. I have done a good job of that in the past. But today those rat bastards starting zapping through like a damned slide show... flashing stills of moments I thought were long gone and no longer stored in the banks of my long term memory.

I have an interesting story... one that some may be able to relate with, others who will judge one way or the other, and some who may just think I am crazy. I want to one day tell my story.... yet... the timing is not right... An excuse I am all too familiar with. One that has become my tag line for life. New in theaters near you... Amanda - the timing is not right.... Critics give it mixed reviews....

I know that our mind is a very tricky thing and you are to learn from things that you have done... good or bad... but can't some things just go away.