sigh....

Today has been harder than most days. I feel out of sorts! I know what my issue is... I miss having a baby. A little tiny new born baby! I miss being pregnant. I miss the way I feel when I am pregnant. I miss the big round belly, the baby moving, the little feet pushing out the side, the way I would ache with feet in my ribs! I miss the moment I know that baby is coming (yes the pain is killer, but you don't think about that)! I miss seeing that slimy lil' mess the moment he or she is born. The swollen face and wispy cries. I miss holding that tiny helpless baby in my arms... feeding that lil baby for the first time.

I miss holding that little baby... I miss changing diapers delicately and ohhh that fresh new baby smell!!! hahaha

I know i know... I have 3 perfectly wonderful children! I know I don't want to seem greedy... but I do want more children.

I want to one day be in a great relationship where I feel just amazing and not shitty! I want to believe that one day I will have the things I want. They are not material things, they are wonderful things. They are love and trust and caring and a partnership and a man who not only respects me but loves life! A man who sees the world a bright greens and blues and sun shiny yellows!!! A man who holds my hand and my heart!

One day I want to be able to have a baby! One I can protect while growing in my belly, one I can hold in my arms and sing lullabies too... I know I will be out of this crazy baby fever!!!

sigh....

The beginning

I have been with out the internet for awhile and will still be without it until I get the company out at my house next week. However, I have been writing little things here and there to keep myself sane.... Here are the two little things I have jotted down...

9/16/10

I am finally in my bed with my kids in theirs. This is a whole new process we all have to learn. It is so hard for them. It is so hard for me. I just feel like I have failed them miserably. That this mommy just hasn’t been able to do for them like they need. I know that where I am is better for them in the long run, but my heart still breaks when they are not with me.

It absolutely kills me when I know they really don’t mind not being with me, but the second their dad is away from them they flip out and meltdown. They have to call him a million times and whine about not being there and ugh!!! It feels like they are ripping my heart to shreds piece by piece.

I can’t tell them that. It would be hurtful to them. I wouldn’t want them to feel sad.

9/17/10

Well, it is truly a process. I know that and it is moving along nicely. Yet, I know that is will be hard again when they are at their dad’s. I spoke with a friend of mine who has been in a similar situation. He and his wife got divorced and they do shared parenting. He is an AMAZING father and I know that he would be able to give me some advice. I just needed to know that it was going to get easier. Everyone I have talked to tells me it will easier-NONE of them have been where I am right now, none but him. He made me feel better by telling me that although it may get a bit easier to deal with it will never be normal. A parent just can’t get used to being away from their kids. Crazy thing…It just made me feel better. Weird I know!! But it makes sense.

I got to have the kids for 3 nights… just like they were away from me for 3 nights. We will go back and forth for a bit until it is every other week. I am sure I will have heart failure during those times.

I will get through this… I know I will. I just keep telling myself- Just keep swimming, just keep swimming….

1 trip and the world knows

I can't say i am the world's greatest person, FAR FAR from it... but i can say that I am a pretty damn decent person.

Yet, one slip up... that i try to make sure i do behind closed doors: literally; and it's like i personally spit in the face of many people.

I guess it doesn't matter that a person has a bazillion different things going on... just that for a split second they cracked and let a slight leak spew from the granite dam.

Next time I have a lapse of judgement moment, I will ensure your feelings aren't injured. God forbid, my tears annoy you!

...

Time has flown and summer is gone... School has started and my mind is still whirling from the hundreds of things that I have done, am doing and still needs to be done. I can't seem to get a grip on life these days.

There are times where I am completely lost and really can't seem to find my way out of the paper bag. The opening keeps closing letting in only a crack of light

I have been going through so much lately that I don't know how I stand on my own two feet most days.

I cried like I never cried before. I cried with huge tears and massive sobs. This outburst caused a panic attack and an asthma attack all at once. I had to go to my house for the 1st time alone... with out my children. I wanted to die. I have failed my babies and there they were safe with their daddy, but not with their mommy.

I am void of emotion today. An automaton just going through the programmed motions of the day. Knowing to slap on a smile when necessary to avoid the unwanted "Manda, you OK? you don't seem yourself today" questions.

I have no appetite though I made myself eat. I feel empty but with slight excitement to see my sweet chipmunk's faces after work. It is all that is keeping me going right now.

How did I not think it would kill me this much?

It is all falling into place

It is all falling into place. One step at a time...

I received the keys to my house this past week and started the moving process. The kids have been able to see the house and they love it! They really do!! It makes things so much easier that they like the house and are excited about it.

We painted their rooms and hopefully soon I will have their beds in there also. I got some of the stuff in there as well this weekend. It is great how smoothly things are going. My anxiety is shrinking (for the time being) but my excitement is growing.

I know that a divorce is not a usually a joyous occasion, but after working towards this for so long, it has become a release of such stress. I actually just explained to a friend of mine the other night that I know how he feels (he is in a similar situation) and that although he feels heavy and filled with burden there will come a time he will be free and light. It will be an amazing release and you will feel like you can fly.

I am looking forward to going to my house again today...

I should have know...

Today was an absolutely wonderful day! A day that, well, just was prefect!

The company I work for has many client appreciation events. Today we put together a Bocce Event at the MVR. For starters I have never been the to MVR AND.... it is in downtown Youngstown.... Which I drove to ALL by myself (well, Kyle was with me)... I got there and didn't even get lost!!!! Hahaha!! Score 1 for me!!!

Well, like I popped in Kyle came with me. I was so excited to have him just him, come with me. We don't get to do much together, just the two of us. We had a great time. I was able to meet a few more of our clients and get to spend time with those I have met before.

I really, honestly, can't say enough.. Just how much i LOVE MY JOB!!! hahaah

Kyle and I had a blast while at the Bocce event. Let's not forget to mention that it was a total success. It went off without a hitch!!!

On our way home I drove past the house I will be moving into next weekend. I talked to the people that will be, I guess you could say, my landlords and they said it was all ready! When I drove past the roof was cleaned, the house looked amazing, and yard was really cleaned up (the the landscaping), the driveway was redone, and they even put in a new fence. The fenced in the backyard! AMAZING!!!! They put in all new appliances!!!

Today, I feel relaxed. Completely at ease! I haven't felt this way, in well... A really REALLY long time! My Jennie found me a great couch and love seat for super cheap and she is also able to get me some dressers.

I can't forget to mention all of the great support I have from my friends... YOU ARE ALL AMAZING!!!!!!

Baby steps will get me to where I need to be.. and I won't get there any sooner than when I am supposed to be there!!!

Well, not back to my relaxing Saturday night!!!

lost...

I haven't really been myself in awhile. I mean out of the norm not me! I have so much going on, I just feel like my life is spiraling out of control. I have no time to sit down and take it all in. There has been so many things going on that I have been involved in that I just don't even know where to begin or end... hell where is the middle point to it all?

As many of you know I am currently in the process of getting divorced. It has been a long time coming and I truly am excited to begin a new chapter in my life. I have a house set up to move into, I move in a couple of weeks. I have a great job that I am now full time in and I just love the people that I work with. I am slowly getting to where I need to be!

This summer is almost at it's end and I feel as though it had just begun. That only a few days ago my kids were done with school and we were planning our fun summer days. Recreational soccer is OVER... I can't believe that it is already over! The 4th of July has come and gone... and today is the first day of August. Where did it all go?? Where did all the time disappear to?

My sister decided to get married in Las Vegas this July! I was sooo excited for her to be getting married and I was thrilled I was going to get the chance to experience Vegas. It was the best time I have had in a while! I didn't let one thing bother me while there. I kind of just went along with the rhythm and flow of the city that is just SO alive! This amazing city just has it's own heartbeat. One I was able to get in sync with. I was alive in this city and it carried me on it's wings.

Two of my children played soccer this summer and they were fantastic!!! Both of them held second place over all for the season and I am so proud of the effort and determination they put forth in playing each game! My oldest has now decided he truly enjoys the sport and will continue on into a traveling competitive league this fall! The excitement is running through us all. Although the season was a wild and crazy ride of most weeks being at the fields 4 of the 7 days a week for many hours, I miss it. It ended so quickly and I feel I wasn't even there. I was, though, I was there for each game!

My best friend has decided that after many years of being engaged it was time for her and her fiancée to get married this fall. Many of the girls in her bridal party are from out of the area and with a family that is involved with a food stand in many fairs and other festive activities it was a chore to plan around everything. Yet, I was able to pull it all together. Her shower was amazing as was her bachelorette party. Great fun with great ladies!

Let's not forget the studying that I must do each day to get ready for a Series 7 exam for work. Passing this exam will bring me a new title for work and it will bring me more confidence that I can accomplish anything I set my mind to.

As well, as the many events that are taking place with work right now; I have begun to find myself lost!

Lost inside a person who hasn't stopped moving... Stopping scares me at this point! The momentum is weak right now, but it is there. If I stop, I am terrified I will be motionless again. I fear I will become dormant and stationary.

I have a whole new life ahead of me and nothing! Nothing at all! With no means of getting anything that I need. So many unforeseen expenses this summer has caused the savings I had created to diminish and dwindle away to nothing. With each event that I have coming to me I will only be making it even more difficult to afford anything that I need.

I have never been one to worry about money or anything that even falls in that category. Why is it now that I can not seem to get past it.

I have so many thoughts that have bombarded my head, I can't think straight. I can't think in any direction at this point.

I have lost sight of being a mother. I feel that I have barely even seen my children in the past couple of months. That I am merely a figment to them. A shadowy mist of what was once their loving always there mother.

As most of you know, I despise allowing myself to cry. It makes me feel weak and unable to do what needs to be done. It makes me feel less of a person. However, I have begged for the release of tears recently to help eliminate some of the pain and frustration and hatred I have towards myself.

I am lost and I don't know where I am... please help me find myself!