Have I failed them again...

Have a in some way failed them again? That is the question I keep asking myself. Last night I took my babies to their dad's. When I dropped them off for the first time, I was a blubbering fool, crying so hard my face hurt, sobbing so loudly I startled myself, and so many tears.

The feeling of curling into the fetal position and staying that way for days.... it was all i could think of. That first time, I knew that a day would come when I would go and drop them off and not get that vomit feeling. That made me cry even more.

Each time has been very difficult but then.... Then I took them to their dad's last night. Last night, I did NOT want to throw up, I did NOT want to curl into the fetal position, I did NOT cry my eyes out. About half way home, I realized that I was OK... feeling OK, made me cry, want to crawl into bed and not come out, and cry my eyes out.

I was thinking about it again today on my way home from work and again started to cry. (I am not a fan of allowing myself to cry)

Does this make me a terrible mother? That is what I keep asking myself over and over again.

That look...

I saw something today... something, I thought I had all but almost given up on. I saw a husband look at his wife with pure love in his eyes. The way he looked at her was beautiful. It wasn't just a one time look... He had that look in his eyes every time he placed them on her.

Oh, the hopeless romantic in me was clawing to the surface. I am naturally a people watcher. I love to see the way people talk to others, walk, behave, treat others, you name it I love to study people! I think that could be why I have an increased amount of cynical tendencies!!

Yet, I have seen him look at her that way everyday I have seen them together. It could be first thing in the morning, middle of the day, or in the evening after a long day at work. It gives me hope that maybe just maybe my "look" is still out there!

nope... nada... no more

I am really truly trying to maintain my calm! I don't believe I have much left in me after this week.

This past week did not go at all in any way how I may have ever imagined! I don't think any normal prediction could have been given that would have had last week play out the way that it did!

Someone I truly care about it being harmed by someone who claims to love him. It breaks my heart that this person who claims to love him would be so degrading and place him in such a horrible place!!!

It is far more detailed, but pointless to beat this dead dog! However, today....

Today, I have had a pretty relaxing day! It has been nice and quiet, and I have been expecting my kids to be dropped off for a few hours now. Last week, their dad took them around 12noon ... okay, that's fine... but then when i expect for him to drop them off around 3 today, I get nothing. I call him and he says Oh I thought you were going to pick them up. GRRRR.....

Now the conversation earlier when he told me he was going to bring them over after their running around... I am so tired and frustrated with being taken advantage of. I am tired of sitting back and being a doormat!

Nope... Nada... NO MORE!!!!

sigh....

Today has been harder than most days. I feel out of sorts! I know what my issue is... I miss having a baby. A little tiny new born baby! I miss being pregnant. I miss the way I feel when I am pregnant. I miss the big round belly, the baby moving, the little feet pushing out the side, the way I would ache with feet in my ribs! I miss the moment I know that baby is coming (yes the pain is killer, but you don't think about that)! I miss seeing that slimy lil' mess the moment he or she is born. The swollen face and wispy cries. I miss holding that tiny helpless baby in my arms... feeding that lil baby for the first time.

I miss holding that little baby... I miss changing diapers delicately and ohhh that fresh new baby smell!!! hahaha

I know i know... I have 3 perfectly wonderful children! I know I don't want to seem greedy... but I do want more children.

I want to one day be in a great relationship where I feel just amazing and not shitty! I want to believe that one day I will have the things I want. They are not material things, they are wonderful things. They are love and trust and caring and a partnership and a man who not only respects me but loves life! A man who sees the world a bright greens and blues and sun shiny yellows!!! A man who holds my hand and my heart!

One day I want to be able to have a baby! One I can protect while growing in my belly, one I can hold in my arms and sing lullabies too... I know I will be out of this crazy baby fever!!!

sigh....

The beginning

I have been with out the internet for awhile and will still be without it until I get the company out at my house next week. However, I have been writing little things here and there to keep myself sane.... Here are the two little things I have jotted down...

9/16/10

I am finally in my bed with my kids in theirs. This is a whole new process we all have to learn. It is so hard for them. It is so hard for me. I just feel like I have failed them miserably. That this mommy just hasn’t been able to do for them like they need. I know that where I am is better for them in the long run, but my heart still breaks when they are not with me.

It absolutely kills me when I know they really don’t mind not being with me, but the second their dad is away from them they flip out and meltdown. They have to call him a million times and whine about not being there and ugh!!! It feels like they are ripping my heart to shreds piece by piece.

I can’t tell them that. It would be hurtful to them. I wouldn’t want them to feel sad.

9/17/10

Well, it is truly a process. I know that and it is moving along nicely. Yet, I know that is will be hard again when they are at their dad’s. I spoke with a friend of mine who has been in a similar situation. He and his wife got divorced and they do shared parenting. He is an AMAZING father and I know that he would be able to give me some advice. I just needed to know that it was going to get easier. Everyone I have talked to tells me it will easier-NONE of them have been where I am right now, none but him. He made me feel better by telling me that although it may get a bit easier to deal with it will never be normal. A parent just can’t get used to being away from their kids. Crazy thing…It just made me feel better. Weird I know!! But it makes sense.

I got to have the kids for 3 nights… just like they were away from me for 3 nights. We will go back and forth for a bit until it is every other week. I am sure I will have heart failure during those times.

I will get through this… I know I will. I just keep telling myself- Just keep swimming, just keep swimming….

1 trip and the world knows

I can't say i am the world's greatest person, FAR FAR from it... but i can say that I am a pretty damn decent person.

Yet, one slip up... that i try to make sure i do behind closed doors: literally; and it's like i personally spit in the face of many people.

I guess it doesn't matter that a person has a bazillion different things going on... just that for a split second they cracked and let a slight leak spew from the granite dam.

Next time I have a lapse of judgement moment, I will ensure your feelings aren't injured. God forbid, my tears annoy you!

...

Time has flown and summer is gone... School has started and my mind is still whirling from the hundreds of things that I have done, am doing and still needs to be done. I can't seem to get a grip on life these days.

There are times where I am completely lost and really can't seem to find my way out of the paper bag. The opening keeps closing letting in only a crack of light

I have been going through so much lately that I don't know how I stand on my own two feet most days.

I cried like I never cried before. I cried with huge tears and massive sobs. This outburst caused a panic attack and an asthma attack all at once. I had to go to my house for the 1st time alone... with out my children. I wanted to die. I have failed my babies and there they were safe with their daddy, but not with their mommy.

I am void of emotion today. An automaton just going through the programmed motions of the day. Knowing to slap on a smile when necessary to avoid the unwanted "Manda, you OK? you don't seem yourself today" questions.

I have no appetite though I made myself eat. I feel empty but with slight excitement to see my sweet chipmunk's faces after work. It is all that is keeping me going right now.

How did I not think it would kill me this much?