Life is tricky!!

I only have one thing to say...

It is an amazing feeling to be able to feel a flutter in my chest again! The kind of flutter that lets you know you are still alive. The kind of flutter I never thought I would feel ever again... the kind that I had decided to never let happen again.

I LOVE IT!!!

Let's help Cadence to reach her goal!

My daughter had recently found a new joy in her life... Jump Roping! She loves it....

Everyday she sings a new jump rope song... and we have to see how many kisses we are getting or she just makes me count the number of jumps she does! It is a funny little thing watching her jump like a wild jumping bean!! I LOVE IT!!!

Well, her school has a program going on teaching the kids about their heart and how it works and how to take care of it.

The program is Jump Rope for Heart! Her goal at this time is to reach $50.o0 in donations...

http://honor.americanheart.org/site/TR/JumpforHeart/JRFH-GRA?px=2167092&pg=personal&fr_id=1281

Please click the link above and donate to help her reach her goal for helping others learn about their hearts and how to take care of it!

Thank you!!!

Complete 180 WHAT?!?!?!

So today I got the chance to talk to a friend... that person let me see that my ridiculous train of thought was just that.. RIDICULOUS!

Now, that talk... or maybe the 2 hour hot bath I took today may have been a combination of the two.... really has allowed me to be smile from ear to ear.. I actually think my whole body is smiling at this point.

I just feel that what my friend said about living in the moment... and staying out of the past and not looking at the future... but staying in the moment... and well getting the hell out of my head... makes pure and total sense.

I am going to start staying in the moment... and when my brain decides to have something negative to add (depending on what it is of course) I will just flip that switch and keep smiling!

Thank you!!!!

random ramblings of the broken hearted!

Sometimes I allow myself to get ahead of where I really should be going. I think that I really need to have a buffer between me and the rest of the world. A filter of sorts!

I think sometimes I am just too ready to jump into some things without fully thinking them through. Don't get me wrong... I know the type of person I am... I know what I am capable of, but I guess there are times when a small part of me escapes the sanity I try to maintain, she just runs a muck. Causing way too many issues for me to handle.

My heart is a weak object... I tend to keep it under lock and key since it is so tattered that really I don't think it can take much more... but it beats stronger than I really know sometimes. It tries to reach out every little chance it gets to grab a hold of something that gives it the slightest hope.

Yet, there is that part of my mind that takes hold it that tiniest wisp of hope and says, Hey... calm down... we will get there one day! Don't rush it!

I have been so ready for the life I am heading to... I have been dreaming of it for years. I have been longing for it... I think that is why I end up getting ahead of myself.

I like to think I am a strong woman... one who can take care of herself.... one who can hold her own... one who can take care of her children... one who can hold the weight of the world while wearing my heels and smiling with the best of them... one who doesn't need anyone to hold my hand... one who doesn't need anyone to lean on.

I try to strive to be that person. I know I am capable of it, I know I can do it... Hell, I am already doing most of it. But that heart of mine tries to weaken me with each day. It tries to get me to believe that I am going to need someone by my side.

That is when I remind myself, that no matter what... I know what happens when you allow someone to stand by you... I know what happens when I open my heart to some one else... I know what happens when I let my guard down... I get hurt!

Tonight I was sitting thinking that maybe my heart had a really good idea... I was feeling really good about it too... but then Logic set it! I am so not going to let my heart lead my way. My mind has not be broken... It is stronger and can keep me on my feet.

I know how that may sound... pretty harsh! Well, it you have ever put your WHOLE self into a relationship and only been dropped repeatedly... or even opened yourself up to someone else... only to be dropped... and then opened your self up once again to be dropped... or maybe your first encounter with someone ended in distrust... You tend to see a pattern.

I used to think that maybe that it was me... and then I thought, no it is them... but hey who keeps letting them in... ME!!! The problem is with me... The "someones" I let in are the ones that hurt me... but I let them in.

So... problem solved.... Guards up... Never to be let down... Ensuring.... I will never be dropped again!

So, does that mean I won't feel "special".... maybe... but that is far safer than ever feeling hurt again! My heart can't take it anymore.

When someone tells you that you are special to them...or at least leads you to believe that... look at their actions... actions are far louder than words... that is your first sign of knowing just how "special" you really are!

Get ahead of the rest... know what you are up against before you decide to open up and let down that guard... that is my new motto... at least for now.

Who knows... I may have just not met that someone yet! That someone that just won't drop me... that someone who will be there when I do fall and be there when I am walking tall! I guess there is still some hope! Good to know!

So far so good!!!!

Oh... Buddy!!!!

Today is the third day of my new job. YES! You heard that right!!! My NEW JOB!!!! I got my new job at Bury Financial. I started on Monday where I worked a half day. This is the position I spoke about previously in my last blog or so.

I was so excited when Todd called to tell me that I got the job. Too bad when he called he totally had me fooled into thinking that I was not chosen. His tone of choice was all down and bummed out sounding, as though he was going to give me bad news. Did he have me fooled!!! I started to jump up and down the second he told me that the decision was unanimous and that I was wanted to join their team!

That weekend I went out and purchased some new clothes. I purchased some new items to wear to work. Oh, how I love to shop, especially for the type of attire needed for work!

Well, I started my job on Monday! It was the best half day I ever had! Then I just couldn't wait until Wednesday to go back to work. Crazy I know it!!!! Then I went back yesterday, and again it was a fabulous day.

There are NOT many jobs or companies out there to work for, like the one I was EXTREMELY lucky to have become a part of. I feel truly blessed to have been given the opportunity to work there and with such wonderful people. I plan to continue to prove myself worthy of such a chance to be a part of this team! I also, actually, FINALLY look forward to going to work!

WOOHOO!!!!! Like I said.... My 30's will be FABULOUS!!!!! So far so good!

who you talkin' about

So, I woke up this morning with full intentions of returning out to a work out routine. For starters, I have been wanting to get my lazy ass back in gear... but see the thing with us lazy folk... WE ARE LAZY!!!! hahahaha!

Last night I had the strangest dream (like that is out of the ordinary). It wasn't a nightmare (WOOHOO!!!) It was just odd in so many possible ways. No I am NOT on any hallucinogens! Well, all I can say is I was at some funky fundraiser with a DJ (who was hot by the way-haha) and there were weird bicycle races and children's book littered all over the place. Well, in that dream I was in shape and flexible again! WOW! Right!?!? That wasn't the whole dream I would be admitted for sure, if I went into further detail.

Well, I woke up this morning and started thinking... Man, I haven't been able to do half of that since my back injury last summer. The problems I had with my back will tighten up most of my leg muscles and on top of that, I became even more stationary. Let's not forget, my hips decided to not be able to move like they once did too! Becoming all too statuesque! Not what I am wanting here.

So this morning, I got up and decided to do some little stuff... I did well over 4000 steps, and 75 crunches (hey that's a lot for the lazy), and some serious stretching! I will be able to get these legs and hips moving the way the once did... or at least some what!

OK... so while working out I listen to music... One of the most wonderful things ever! Music was just the greatest invention EVER!!! (and I just sang ever out loud while I typed it hahahaha!)

Anywho... listening to music helps me to think! I started thinking about all of the inner demons I have been battling lately. We all have demons, but my demons are some pretty scary creatures with gnarly teeth and dirty sharp claws! Don't ask!

I know I am the not best of people... I know I can be a pretty shitty person... I know I can and have made some pretty bad decisions in my life... I know that as my life continues, I will continue to make some pretty bad decisions.... I know I will sit back and justify them to myself... and I know that after awhile, I will bury them deep enough to be able to look at myself in the mirror again.

Then I started to think... who labels what is good and bad? In whose eyes are the actions that I perform good or bad? Now, please don't make me have to go into full on explanation here, but understand that I do not speak of horrible things such as violence or abuse in any definition of the terms.

Oh... well... quick update... I went on a job interview... The first one was two weeks ago. I left the office feeling quite confident in my interviewing abilities and felt I "NAILED IT" and well low and behold, I must have because two days later, they called me back to schedule for a second interview. I had that interview last week, and while there, I was in a conference room with the President, Vice President and Office Manager... talk about intimidating RIGHT!!?!! I was surprising very comfortable while slightly nervous. Towards the end of that interview, the Pres told me that my first interview went great and he felt confident that the second one was going to as well, and it went even better! So... I am hoping that is a good sign!

I will find out this week regardless whether or not I got the job. So fingers, toes, arms, eyes and legs crossed... I GET IT!!!!

well since I guess I have to clean my house some time today, I should run along!

30's are off to a good start

I went to my first interview in over 8 years this Tuesday, at a financial company. It is for an Administrative Assistant position. My sister-in-law told me about and I place my resume the following morning. I was so excited to receive the phone from them to schedule that interview. Excited and super sick to my stomach. My nerves were all in a tizzy that day...

I believed that my interview went very well. I was super excited about the while thing. It was a wonderful feeling. They informed me that they planned to do a total of 5 interviews, and that from those they will do calls backs for a second interview on 1 0r 2 from there. They told me not to expect to hear from them for at least a week and a half or two weeks. Then anticipation set in again.

With me I over analyze everything. Did I talk too much, talk too little, say the wrong thing, dress wrong.... on and on and on... my brain just doesn't stop. Well, yesterday, being Wednesday, I woke up from a terrible nightmare (a pretty bad one- it had been a long while) and my day was kind of bummed. This morning, I woke to a horrid headache. I haven't been sleeping all that well (would explain why I am wide awake at 1:36am right now).

While cutting some pineapple this afternoon, my phone rang and I wasn't really able to run to it, luckily enough, my wonderful son, Kyle, brought it to me. The number was from the company.... I just answered that call in time. The office manager calling to ask me if I would like to set up a second interview for next week.... I could have run a mile with how excited I was.

Things are working in such a wonderful direction right now. I had surgery on my ovaries and the doc said that I have nothing to worry about- they are healthy and normal looking (WOO HOO), the first resume I place gets me a resume within a few days, two days later I get a call for a second interview, booked my trip for Vegas in July for my sister's wedding, and there is potential of finding a place.

I am just terrified that because things are going so well right now, that something HORRIBLE is about to come crashing in taking it all away!

And then I allow myself to sit back, take a deep breathe, and think to myself (what a wonderful world- sorry just had too ha hahahaha) I did say my 30's were going to be better! I am off to a good start!