on to the next journey...

Wow! I lost my job last week. Talk about the past few months being pure hell! I think the most painful thing is learning that I wasn't even a part of "The Team" that I was tricked into believing true.

3 days out from the hospital still trying to make it through a day with the pain that I have learned I will end up having to live with, I receive a phone call. The first one in over a week from my previous employer. (not one phone call to see how I was while laying in the hospital bed for 8 days.) Mind you, we were a company of 4, I wasn't a number in a large corporation.

Both of the guys who run the office are on the phone... the President of the company, a man I look up to and gives me faith that good people still exist, didn't even have the nerve to do it himself. The Vice President of the company, with his monotone and void voice informed me, "We have to take a different direction with your employment here, effective immediately."

All I could do was say "Okay". There was some other words he spoke and to be honest I was numb at that point. At the end of the conversation, I was told we hope you find the answers you need.

If that wasn't bad enough, when stopping in to clear my office and return my keys.... Not a one of them could have made the time to offer any words to me. Hell, one wasn't even there... While the other stayed in his office. I was treated as though I was a leper and had stolen from the company.

I've been hurt by their actions. I understand the politics behind a small company and well, stand behind their decision. Their follow through and actions were shameful and unfortunately showed me a side of them that is shocking.

I am still in a state of being numb. I try each day to move forward but the luster I once had is slowly dulling.

Starting in October my health has been a huge issue. I don't choose to be ill. I don't choose to go through pain or discomfort. I am watching all around me growth in each person I know... Yet, I feel my growth has stunted.

I am perfectly well aware that I am the keeper and key holder of my fate and with each day I allow this dark force to keep pushing me down only permits the luster to die out. My one strength is the continuance of jumping back up... There is no slow moving. I am on my feet and back at it the moment my ass hits the floor. I make the vow to myself, to never allow that to fail.

My next adventure is on its way... it will be bumpy and damn near difficult at times.... But guess what I'm not strong bitch and I will roll with the punches!

Can't I tell that little part to just shut up...

I think at some point I would like to not worry about what negative thing is going to come my way when I am at a happy point or really even think something may be going well. I often wonder just how many terrible things have had to happen for me to even worry about what craptastic thing was going to make it's way into my direct path.

A friend of mine asked me the other day how my wrist was feeling and had it healed.... After several months and being completely immobilized for the majority of that time... It was taking it's sweet time healing... I informed him "I am worried about it being healed, because then I get to dread the new thing that happens to me" He laughed. I was serious.

Well, it's finally healing and no longer swelling... and now I am working on dealing with my newest issue. YAY! SIKE!!!!

Not to mention, I've been feeling a bit like a teenage girl lately... a bit giddy and all... and there is this tiny voice in the back of my head telling me to not get all too excited about it. Really there is not need for it. It's like I'm prepping myself for failure. I don't want to admit it.... I don't like to acknowledge it. There is no reason to. But there is a part of me that is just scared.

Can't I tell that little part to just shut up.

let the anxiety commence

.... all I do these days is try to get through them as best as I can. I am not a depressed individual. In fact I haven't been happier than I have been in years. I enjoy waking in the morning and going to work. I enjoy seeing my peers, my friends, my family... I enjoy living life... but I do not enjoy seeing each day pass by as though it were only a moment in time.

My kids are no longer babies. 11, 7 and 5... how did that happen?? When did that little baby boy with the big head grow up and start getting ready to enter into middle school? When did that tiny baby girl with the tiny little fingers grow up and start preparing for second grade? When did that big headed peanut baby boy grow up to be big enough to start kindergarten in 21 days?

When did this mommy lose all of her babies? When did they become big kids? When did they become so independent? When did they start walking their owns journeys; letting go of my hand?

So many questions... so many pangs of pain... so many sleepless nights...

I am so proud of them. They are smart and strong and caring. They are shining lights in the dark nights. They are beams of the sun's light. I do not fear for them growing... I have given them the core they need... I will continue to feed their hearts, minds and souls. I can no longer mold them, that is for them to do now.

That is where the emptiness grows. The feeling of no longer being needed. How will I be able to deal with my last little monkey no longer running to me and wrapping his little arms around my neck because he is so excited to see me? I have lost that with my other two... and so much more... my heart is shredding...

purely random

I've known this about myself for some time now and I guess I just didn't want to admit it. I push everyone away or I just don't let you in close enough... Just still keeping you at a distance. No matter who you are, I have and will continue you push.

There are rare occasions when i for a brief moment allow myself to not do so, allow myself to open up a little, allow myself to take a chance... Only to realize that pushing away is not only easier but it is safer. It is the smart move. I walk away or make you walk away before there is any real possibility that I will be hurt or that I will cause you pain.

I decided to try to go to sleep a little earlier than usual tonight (wasn't feeling the best) when I was awakened, as usual, by a nightmare. It is exhausting being me. It drains me.

Tonight is one of those nights where I kind of just want to be held. Just feel the arms of another around me, the comfort in that, the safety and security- even if short lived.

GRRRRRRRR!!!!

I find it to be disheartening that everyday more and more people wake up and make the choice to teach hatred, ignorance, injustice to others around them. Then the same group of Neanderthal Primates question why the world is so full of hatred and violence. I will tell you why!!!

It is people like them that make people like me want to beat the living hell out of them!! Plan and simple!

I never want to sleep again!

I used to stay up for hours, way into the middle of the night... allowing myself only maybe 2 or 3 hours of sleep a night. I was trying to keep myself from dreaming. I couldn't stand dreaming. I didn't have normal dreams. They were the nightmares that could create horror movies or mystery series.

I never wanted to sleep. I never ever ever wanted to sleep again. I became used to not sleeping. Then finally the nightmares stopped. They stopped until a week ago. Almost a year... A year without waking up gasping for air, covered in sweat, crying out, screaming, and shaking. I was getting used to sleeping again for 6hrs or more.

Then I felt the fear coming on out of no where last week. I didn't want to be alone. I know that sounds silly, I am an adult... but I just couldn't get over the feeling. I tried to just push past it, ignoring it, so that maybe it would just go away. It didn't.

I went to sleep a bit early that night (just got home from visiting my sister out of state). I had a horrible nightmare. It was one like I have never had before. I have dreamed about me, myself being chased, hunted almost. I've been lost, my kids have been lost. I have myself been shot, stabbed, hit, fallen, you name it... I had thought I had them all.

That is until last Sunday. I woke up screaming out Kaleb's name. We were in a parking lot of one of the rest stops that we were at earlier in the day. He took off running and out of no where a semi just hit him. I couldn't close my eyes. I just breath. I couldn't do anything. It hurt so bad. Even today I can still see the image of him. It makes me sick. I ended up talking with a friend that night. We talked about anything to help me calm down. It was just what I needed.

I struggled with sleep all week. To top it off I was sick too. I had the normal hunt down of me dreams... getting caught out in terrible weather or on the water somewhere. Someone trying to kill me dreams. The kids missing. Until last night.

I have been fighting off sleep still, and last night wasn't hard. I was wide awake. I was in super cleaning mode. I just didn't want to go to bed. Until finally I did, it about 4am when I crawled into bed, I popped in a movie and didn't end up going to sleep until around 5:30. I woke up screaming at around 10ish.

It was a wild dream. Filled with suspense and stress and anxiety. I was close to finding out who this one guy was that was killing people to get ahead in a business. He was so evil. Then one night I was out walking with some friends, finally feeling safe. Looking at paintings on the sides of buildings. Then out of no where comes this old black truck lights where on at first, then they went out. I knew it was the guy who was trying to kill me. I knew it was the one guy who was trying to get ahead. They started chasing me, I was screaming and yelling this one name over and over again, asking for help. Never once was that person there to help me. I jumped up... and next thing I know I am in the truck with them. I tried clawing and biting and screaming and kicking and punching and nothing was working.

The next moment I was at a Gala... Dressed to the nines... while he stood carrying an large yellow blow up boat and I saw someone in there. Not riding in it, but inside where the air is. The man tossed it into this pool, where I jumped in after it, in my dress evening gown. It was so heavy, I didn't know how I had to strength to get to the boat. I grabbed it while trying NOT to be seen by this man who was now making a speech... I bit open the plastic and ripped it apart. I pulled out the person inside. It was Kyle. He was motionless and I just started screaming for help.

I woke up, sitting upright gasping for air, fighting back throwing up. I screamed and yelled and cried.... I demanded I go back to sleep just to see him breath. I needed to see him breath. He was so motionless. His face was white. His eyes were shut. His arms limp. I screamed that it was my dream damnit, I demand to see him breath. I cried and screamed out for at least half and hour this morning. Begging to see my baby breath.

I can't take sleeping anymore. I just can't. I am crying in pain, while I know that they are all safe and sound in their beds just down the hall from me. I am terrified of going to sleep tonight. Utterly terrified.

does this only happen to me??

I sometime think that if there was no bad luck I would have NO luck at all. I was joking around the other day... saying I am Irish... aren't we supposed to be lucky? Where my luck of the Irish? hahaha

The other day just proved that my luck is only 100% pure bad. (I must have been something horrible in a previous life for Karma to be so damned evil in this one) This past week I haven't been feeling well. My throat felt like it had golf balls with razor blades in it. Trying to fight the icky I still maintained my week. That is until Thursday tried to crush me!!!

It all started late Wednesday night when I didn't get home til 10pm... oh well, not too much of a problem but I came home to no water! Really?!?!?! I was 2 weeks late on paying the bill and actually just received the new bill two days earlier. UGH!!! Oh well. I will take care of it tomorrow.

I get up and go to work and at lunch run to the water department, with my wonderful sister-in-law. I go in and am told that since I am not the owner of the house I can't get the water back on. SO... I get the information that I need, only to find out I also need the agreement between the property manager and the home owner... UGH!!! So I get back to work, make some phone calls and finally get the paperwork I need to take care of this matter.

Now, I need to explain... I do not go downtown on my own. I know I get lost and therefore I get massive anxiety! Well, I decided this time I would go solo. I figured it would kill me. SO!!!!

I leave work early, head down to the water department... park my car... go inside, wait in a forever long line (mind you I feel like death- I can't even swallow my own spit- and i just want to crawl into a hole) when a man comes in asking whose Kia Sedona is outside. I say, mine. He tells me they are getting ready to tow it because it is blocking an entrance. The real slap in the face, the back bumper was just lined up with the curb. The deemed it just too close. I go outside to move, I tell the office, I am going to move and he says, (as cocky as a stupid son of a bitch can) Well fine move it if you want, you are already getting a ticket! I said, that's is ok, I am not asking to not get a ticket, but I wanted to move it since you can't seem to get into the entrance. Oh, here is where I wanted to kick him in the.... "You don't need to be a bitch!" My goodness, really I was in shock... the next line just slid out of my mouth. I couldn't stop it. "Well, then you don't need to be dick!" He hands me my ticket, and tells me to have a nice day... Cocky short bleep!!!!

I return to the water department to find a whole new long line and a woman from earlier that day. So we chit chat some... and finally what seemed like forever it was my turn. The woman behind the counter tried to be difficult about not being able to read the paperwork. Finally, I got done and headed home. Yet, my throat was so miserable I decided to run to the immediate care and found out what in the world was wrong with me.

I come to find out that I have strep throat. I informed the doc that I am allergic to penicillin. I head over to the pharmacy, just going to wait there for the antibiotics. The pharmacist comes out and tells me the doc gave me a penicillin based med... ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?!?!?!

Finally, I get home and just go to bed.

I really don't know how so many things could just go wrong in one day for one person.