Monday, February 28, 2011

Faulty wiring...

I get these amazing ideas. They formulate in my mind from a single starting point. I can take something as simple as a thought about the stars at night and create a beautifully played out moment.

I used to want to write a book and not to sound full of myself, I have a way with words. The only problem I have is the wiring from my brain to my fingers. It is all there and I can see the details clear as day. The color of a pale sea green cotton sun dress. Running barefoot in the ankle high soft fresh grass. The wind is soft and cool. The sky is a beautiful blue with the whitest fluffiest clouds hanging high above. I can hear the birds singing and the laughter. It's all a playful game.

I see the day turn to night. The stars so bright, the moon is full and the air is crisp. Laying on a blanket, staring up at the sky, watching shooting stars, heads tilted toward one another, holding hands.

Yet... when I want to take thoughts (none such as these - romance novels are fun to read, but writing about them-eh not my style) and form them into the telling of a story... I Fail! My brain decides it can no longer create proper sentences. Can no longer use the correct words.

Today, is a prime example. I have been so busy lately, but the other night I had the best topic to share with you all; I was just so tired and it wasn't happening. Now I am running with writer's block. It is an annoying event.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Vertigo... NO!!!!!

I have been feeling amazing and just in the best of spirits. I was feeling amazing and doing wonderfully. My mood has been tip top and I have been feeling so healthy. Was just talking about it and well apparently jinxed myself in the process.

The other night it all went to the crapper.... Well it started out with my head just feeling so heavy and my neck feeling so weak. It just continued to progress from there. My jaw got tight, couldn't close my mouth. My neck grew weaker and my head heavier. It got to a point that I just couldn't even move it without it everything going black or the room spinning. It was NOT good! My arms grew weak, I couldn't stand or sit up.

I had been talking to my sister who ended up calling our dad. He came, THANK GOODNESS! I am so much like my dad. I notice it more and more... but it really hit last night when he walked in and seen more motionless on the couch, mentally praying for the weirdness to just go away. First words out of his mouth were, "Wow, you look like you've been on a 3 day binder." hahaha Has to crack a joke! Gotta Love it!!!

Well off to the ER and tests and pricks and blood and more tests get done. Blood pressure tests... Good. Bloodwork.... good. EKG... good. My CT Scan... good. Well, after hours of waiting.. I am told I have vertigo.

Well, still several days later, i can't lift my head into a normal position because I still get so dizzy. I have really gotten it all worked down to just being able to deal with my dizziness. If I am able to tame my headache enough I can sit up and walk around and not have to deal with too much dizziness.

I just want this to all go away! I want to wake up in the morning and NOT be dizzy for once. Hell, i would LOVE to sleep through the night with out waking up wanting to puke my guts out because I rolled to the wrong side.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Lost and Lost...

You know what makes being me very difficult?? No, not that I am absolutely AWESOME!! Although, that can be tiresome. Hahahaha!!!

It is my undying NEED to always understand things. I really do try to get even a little bit of understanding of some things so that I have some sanity following through my veins. However, some things I do not fully understand.

I have this sickness, or so I call it, of replaying things over and over again in my mind. Not that I am reliving it, or what I could have done in a different way, or anything along those lines. I do this to try to see facial expressions and tones of voices and placement of words. I try to take pieces here and there and put it all together and really I usually make out pretty well.

I used to be able to really read people well. It only took a little time and I was able to read a person like a book. Yet, something happened!!! I don't know what it was... but I can't do that worth a shit. Not even that, I can struggling with the comprehension of a few others things as well.

It truly does drive me batty! I think that all of the confusion on this topic has me really discombobulated. I have trouble staying organized these days and it is getting out of hand. If only I could piece it all together.

Then that part of my mind that likes to add even more confusion throws in there... well, maybe I am just supposed to not know. That is how it is supposed to be. Sometimes, I really do think my mind has ADHD. So many thoughts one right after another.

I ask others for some assistance on what I just can't understand... but they can't piece it together either. It just doesn't add up. What am I missing?

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Snap... Crackle... Pop...

Let's just say that I know I have a black cloud. I have even named that damned thing DUMPY. Why you ask? Because Dumpy likes to dump on me all the time. hahaha

Really it's like I am walking around with every bad luck charm out there. I let it roll off me though, what else can you do. Here is my latest adventure with Dumpy...

I went to bed Thursday night and like many nights when I have the kids with me, Kaleb crawls into bed too. (your kids are young only once, if they want to sleep in your bed, let them...) Well, finally I get to sleep sometime after 12:45am. I am awakened by what sounds like a snapping popping sound. I am pretty tired and kinda out of it, it is 2am, so I decide I see nothing so it must be ice rain hitting the window (my thought process is pretty comical...). So I roll over and go back to sleep.

I am awakened yet again, at 3:05am. The snapping popping sounds are being followed by some crackling noises and it is louder. Now, I am really delirious and my brain is running at slow mo, but my first thought was a mouse was trying to eat my water bottle I had on the floor. In disgusted panic mode (EWE MOUSE!) I find my phone and shine the light on the floor, there is nothing there. hmmmmm.... I lay back down perfectly still and listen, the sound fads away and I start to dose again.

To my surprise 3:38am rolls around and that damned SNAP.... CRACKLE... POP.... was taking over my room. There is no mouse, there is no rain, there is nothing... what the hell is going on. My overly exhausted brain is trying to come up with a logical explanation. NOTHING is formulating. Until my eyes lock contact with my outlet. I start to think, "that is it." That has to be it. I sit up, and I am on a stare down with the outlet on my wall. I am waiting in anticipation to watch it start sparking thinking that my house is going to catch fire.

After a few moments of hearing the noises and waiting for sparks, I have convinced myself it is all inside the wall and the fire is starting. I decide to be brave and lean over to touch the wall to see if it is hot. So I lean over, I am almost about to touch the wall when...... CRACK!!!!!!


Are you kidding me... those are the thoughts running through my now wide awake brain, my bed just broke. How in the world did my bed just break? I say, alright... I have it figured out, no mice, no rain, no fire... just a gimpy bed and I am going to back to sleep damnit. So, I move Kaleb and myself to the far end opposite corner figuring that is the safe bet.

I was wrong. hahaha.... the snapping was little, the popping, was softer, but the crackling was growing and moving up the side board. Before I knew it, Kaleb was rolling away. I scoped him up, and we climbed into his bed across the hall in the room he shares with Kyle.

What was I thinking. I was thinking. I am NOT sleeping on my floor there is an imaginary mouse in there. hahaha.... Does my story end here... Oh goodness no... it is just about 4am and I have to work in the morning... there is no way in hell this story is over yet, almost though.

I am trying to get comfy in Kaleb's twin bed that he has already managed to take up most of, so once I do, I am grateful. That is until I started to hear some really excited grumbling about who knows what... Kyle was talking in his sleep. He went from being super excited about something to ultimately pissed to really excited again... It didn't stop! While all of that grumbled mumble was taking place in the room next door was a kicking of the wall and growling coming from Cadence. (my poor girl has night terrors-so this is the norm)

Kaleb has managed to wrap himself around my head, half of my body is on the edge of the bed, Kyle is grumbling, Cadence is growling, and my bed is broken... All in all I would have to say, it was a rather interesting way to start a Friday!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Life.... Just Live It!

Yesterday was my daughter's birthday. She turned 7. I was wondering how all that time had already flown by when my sister sent me a text. I was lost for thoughts or words when I read what she sent me.

Several months ago... maybe even close to a year ago, a friend of her's found out that her daughter had a brain tumor. She wasn't given the best of prognosis. I cried for that mother and her daughter when I first heard. I thought of them often over the passing months. I thanked God even more for the health and safety of my children.

My sister sent me a text message to let me know that her friend's little girl passed away at 1am on Feb. 9th. I was celebrating my baby, while another mommy lost her's. My heart broke into a million pieces for a woman I had never met. I shed tears for the love of a mother and daughter that was stunted.

I have been having trouble thinking of much else than the limited time we all have here. Life is just that... LIVING! We all have an expiration date, we just don't know when it is. There is no other way out of here. I am terrified of death. I never really understood why... but I think I figured it out. I wasn't really living... so I always thought I was going to miss out on something.

I have come to an understanding with myself that time is a beautiful gift. We must each accept this gift and use it wisely.

When you child wants you to color with him, do it. When he wants to play a video game, you may stink at it, but play your heart out, it's only a game. When she wants you to paint her nails four different colors, do it. She is just expressing her lack of conformity. When they want pancakes for dinner and to stay up a little past bedtime to cuddle with you... Do It! Do not pass up one opportunity to create a memory with them.

Turn the music up and dance around the living room. Sing into the hair brush. Play dress up. Go on imaginative adventures. Go on real adventures.

Forgive... move on... fall in love... love with all that you've got... smile... laugh.... LIVE.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

I know that....

It is already hard enough for me to get the ability to go and talk to someone when I am feeling down. I am the one that everyone else goes to for whatever reason. You need someone to talk to- Call Manda. You need someone to make you laugh- Call Manda. You need someone to poke you in the eye because you're being a moron- Call Manda. You need ..... fill in the blank- Call Manda.

It is very rare when I go out on that branch looking for a smile or a laugh or an ear or that finger to poke me in the eye. I never ever really felt that I should be able to lean back when others were leaning on me.

This past week was a very bad week for me. Through it all, I offered to do the Chicken Dance for a friend who was bummed and feeling down, offered a listening ear, a congratulatory high five, a funny story and a helping hand. Once I was done helping or being there for others I was too tired to even be there for myself.

Friday night I reached out and hoped for even just someone to listen. I miss my kids. I miss them so much it is making me unable to function. My brain isn't on the levels that it needs to be for work or home or anything. I broke down and cried for a few hours Friday night. It hurt but felt like a nice release at the same time.

I talked to a couple of friends and my sister. Then the next day I thought maybe if I keep talking about it, it may help me to feel a little better. You know, since that is what every one says. Boy, EVERYONE IS WRONG. Not only did I not feel any better after talking to people, I felt worse. Now I wasn't only sad and disheartened; I was angry and bitter.

I am pouring my heart out, crying to people (which I do NOT do often, if at all). Telling them how I feel so lost within myself. That I know I am thinking like a complete fool... but I feel miserable and guilty of not being with my kids 24/7. The response was not one I needed at that moment.

A slur of, "Really, Manda! You are being silly." "Would you rather still be in a loveless miserable marriage?" "What is wrong with you?" "Do you want your kids to see you unhappy?" the list goes on. I couldn't explain anymore how I knew all of those things. I am not a complete moron. I know that I am in a better place. I know I made the right decision. I know I know I know I know... that is all I had in response to each and every one of them! It only got worse when I was asked a day or so later, "Are you over your silly little mood?"


Because I am always whining and complaining about every single little thing (complete sarcasm). I was shocked! I don't expect to receive Gandhi Wise advice or support. Hell, just someone to listen to me cry and yell and whatever... Someone to say, You will be alright.

I guess that is what happens when you seek for a shoulder to cry on or a back to lean against, from some one that has no idea what you are going through or how you are feeling. It isn't easy feeling like this, alone.

It will get easier. I know that. I will be ok. I know that. My kids will be ok. I know that. I just will have some downward slides every now and then. I know that. You will slip along the way up the mountain. It is inevitable. I know that.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Wasn't there a light at the end of that tunnel???

I have found myself feeling overwhelmed. So very overwhelming. I feel myself falling. Falling so fast. Out of control. Misguided. Lost.

I try so hard to maintain the happy-go-lucky personality everyone sees. When someone sees even the slightest strain in my eyes or on my face... I get so many questions about what's wrong and the you are always happy, you must be tired.

I can be logical. I know the right way to think... I know that the way I have been thinking is ALL illogical. I know that I am just so... weak right now.

I struggle every moment of every day that I am not with my kids. I can't take it. I can't stand not being with them. I hate not seeing them the moment they get home from school. I HATE not being there every night for bed time.

I have realized that I no longer care about anything. I noticed it the other night. I came home from work and laid down on the couch. I didn't move after that until I woke up and went to bed. I don't cook for myself or really eat anything when the kids aren't here. I have lost all drive to find motivation for anything.

It is so hard for me to admit that I am incapable of something. It took me YEARS to finally admit defeat on my failed marriage. I mean, really!? I am embarrassed that I allowed myself to be humiliated over and over again by him. Yet, it took me forever to grasp that there was nothing I could do. That my next course of action would be to tear the life my children knew to shreds. Make them start all over again. Oh, he was willing to stay married. WHY? Because I was home doing what a wife and mother was supposed to do, while he went out and poked everything he could. So he could treat me like crap and make me believe it was my fault. For years I had everyone convinced everything was fine. I was dying a little more and more everyday.

I finally made that HUGE move and did what I needed to do in order to start anew. I know the path I am on is the one I need to take. I know I am going the right direction. No, I am not willing to retrace my steps.

I have made some amazing new friends and have really started to be Manda again, not just Mommy. I think is what is making it so difficult for me to deal with. How can I let that happen? How can I not be Mommy all the time? How can I find a reason to smile when I'm not with my kids?

I know that I want to teach my children the importance of relationships with other people. All relationships. I want them to see the importance of a true and awesome friend and how to be one as well. I want them to see the connection sisters and brothers have with one another. I want them to see the love that can be shared between a couple. I want them to learn about love, acceptance, respect, trust, and companionship. I want them to see happy times and the support that is given during difficult times.

I know that by my actions with them from this point on, I can and I WILL teach them all of these things. They will see friendships new and old grow and strengthen. They will see how close and important family is. They will see that when two people are in a committed relationship they both feel important and loved and respected and they will want to grow to be able to involve themselves in relationships equal to that.

I can have logical thoughts, I know they are there. It's the illogical ones that are more powerful. Ugh... I really need out of this funk!!!!!