Thursday, March 24, 2011


I find it to be disheartening that everyday more and more people wake up and make the choice to teach hatred, ignorance, injustice to others around them. Then the same group of Neanderthal Primates question why the world is so full of hatred and violence. I will tell you why!!!

It is people like them that make people like me want to beat the living hell out of them!! Plan and simple!

Sunday, March 20, 2011

I never want to sleep again!

I used to stay up for hours, way into the middle of the night... allowing myself only maybe 2 or 3 hours of sleep a night. I was trying to keep myself from dreaming. I couldn't stand dreaming. I didn't have normal dreams. They were the nightmares that could create horror movies or mystery series.

I never wanted to sleep. I never ever ever wanted to sleep again. I became used to not sleeping. Then finally the nightmares stopped. They stopped until a week ago. Almost a year... A year without waking up gasping for air, covered in sweat, crying out, screaming, and shaking. I was getting used to sleeping again for 6hrs or more.

Then I felt the fear coming on out of no where last week. I didn't want to be alone. I know that sounds silly, I am an adult... but I just couldn't get over the feeling. I tried to just push past it, ignoring it, so that maybe it would just go away. It didn't.

I went to sleep a bit early that night (just got home from visiting my sister out of state). I had a horrible nightmare. It was one like I have never had before. I have dreamed about me, myself being chased, hunted almost. I've been lost, my kids have been lost. I have myself been shot, stabbed, hit, fallen, you name it... I had thought I had them all.

That is until last Sunday. I woke up screaming out Kaleb's name. We were in a parking lot of one of the rest stops that we were at earlier in the day. He took off running and out of no where a semi just hit him. I couldn't close my eyes. I just breath. I couldn't do anything. It hurt so bad. Even today I can still see the image of him. It makes me sick. I ended up talking with a friend that night. We talked about anything to help me calm down. It was just what I needed.

I struggled with sleep all week. To top it off I was sick too. I had the normal hunt down of me dreams... getting caught out in terrible weather or on the water somewhere. Someone trying to kill me dreams. The kids missing. Until last night.

I have been fighting off sleep still, and last night wasn't hard. I was wide awake. I was in super cleaning mode. I just didn't want to go to bed. Until finally I did, it about 4am when I crawled into bed, I popped in a movie and didn't end up going to sleep until around 5:30. I woke up screaming at around 10ish.

It was a wild dream. Filled with suspense and stress and anxiety. I was close to finding out who this one guy was that was killing people to get ahead in a business. He was so evil. Then one night I was out walking with some friends, finally feeling safe. Looking at paintings on the sides of buildings. Then out of no where comes this old black truck lights where on at first, then they went out. I knew it was the guy who was trying to kill me. I knew it was the one guy who was trying to get ahead. They started chasing me, I was screaming and yelling this one name over and over again, asking for help. Never once was that person there to help me. I jumped up... and next thing I know I am in the truck with them. I tried clawing and biting and screaming and kicking and punching and nothing was working.

The next moment I was at a Gala... Dressed to the nines... while he stood carrying an large yellow blow up boat and I saw someone in there. Not riding in it, but inside where the air is. The man tossed it into this pool, where I jumped in after it, in my dress evening gown. It was so heavy, I didn't know how I had to strength to get to the boat. I grabbed it while trying NOT to be seen by this man who was now making a speech... I bit open the plastic and ripped it apart. I pulled out the person inside. It was Kyle. He was motionless and I just started screaming for help.

I woke up, sitting upright gasping for air, fighting back throwing up. I screamed and yelled and cried.... I demanded I go back to sleep just to see him breath. I needed to see him breath. He was so motionless. His face was white. His eyes were shut. His arms limp. I screamed that it was my dream damnit, I demand to see him breath. I cried and screamed out for at least half and hour this morning. Begging to see my baby breath.

I can't take sleeping anymore. I just can't. I am crying in pain, while I know that they are all safe and sound in their beds just down the hall from me. I am terrified of going to sleep tonight. Utterly terrified.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

does this only happen to me??

I sometime think that if there was no bad luck I would have NO luck at all. I was joking around the other day... saying I am Irish... aren't we supposed to be lucky? Where my luck of the Irish? hahaha

The other day just proved that my luck is only 100% pure bad. (I must have been something horrible in a previous life for Karma to be so damned evil in this one) This past week I haven't been feeling well. My throat felt like it had golf balls with razor blades in it. Trying to fight the icky I still maintained my week. That is until Thursday tried to crush me!!!

It all started late Wednesday night when I didn't get home til 10pm... oh well, not too much of a problem but I came home to no water! Really?!?!?! I was 2 weeks late on paying the bill and actually just received the new bill two days earlier. UGH!!! Oh well. I will take care of it tomorrow.

I get up and go to work and at lunch run to the water department, with my wonderful sister-in-law. I go in and am told that since I am not the owner of the house I can't get the water back on. SO... I get the information that I need, only to find out I also need the agreement between the property manager and the home owner... UGH!!! So I get back to work, make some phone calls and finally get the paperwork I need to take care of this matter.

Now, I need to explain... I do not go downtown on my own. I know I get lost and therefore I get massive anxiety! Well, I decided this time I would go solo. I figured it would kill me. SO!!!!

I leave work early, head down to the water department... park my car... go inside, wait in a forever long line (mind you I feel like death- I can't even swallow my own spit- and i just want to crawl into a hole) when a man comes in asking whose Kia Sedona is outside. I say, mine. He tells me they are getting ready to tow it because it is blocking an entrance. The real slap in the face, the back bumper was just lined up with the curb. The deemed it just too close. I go outside to move, I tell the office, I am going to move and he says, (as cocky as a stupid son of a bitch can) Well fine move it if you want, you are already getting a ticket! I said, that's is ok, I am not asking to not get a ticket, but I wanted to move it since you can't seem to get into the entrance. Oh, here is where I wanted to kick him in the.... "You don't need to be a bitch!" My goodness, really I was in shock... the next line just slid out of my mouth. I couldn't stop it. "Well, then you don't need to be dick!" He hands me my ticket, and tells me to have a nice day... Cocky short bleep!!!!

I return to the water department to find a whole new long line and a woman from earlier that day. So we chit chat some... and finally what seemed like forever it was my turn. The woman behind the counter tried to be difficult about not being able to read the paperwork. Finally, I got done and headed home. Yet, my throat was so miserable I decided to run to the immediate care and found out what in the world was wrong with me.

I come to find out that I have strep throat. I informed the doc that I am allergic to penicillin. I head over to the pharmacy, just going to wait there for the antibiotics. The pharmacist comes out and tells me the doc gave me a penicillin based med... ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?!?!?!

Finally, I get home and just go to bed.

I really don't know how so many things could just go wrong in one day for one person.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

... In the Positive

I have fallen prey to the force behind negativity! I am ashamed to admit it, but I did. I am guilty of it! Yet, I was strong and overpowered that force against me. I realized my error and corrected it.

Today I was traveling back from Michigan, with my three children. I had to significant experiences happen. One highly positive and one damn near close to killing me and my children... quite negative.

I returned home safe and sound... dropped the kids off at their dad's... and came home. I let everyone know I was home safe and the event that I included in my announcement of my homecoming was the negative event. I went into great detail over the stupid Bastard who about ended the lives of my children and mine as well.

I realized that I had shared such a negative story but regrettably discarded the amazingly wonderful story...

I was growing tired on my drive home and knew I needed a pick me up... the next rest stop wasn't far away and it was fate because there was a Starbucks. We ran in and I ordered my giant caffeinated beverage... requested my last 5 bucks into ones for the kids for the vending machine. (Mind you the vending machines there were a bit over the top in prices) Well, I just didn't have enough, even after scrounging through my purse, coat and pants pockets for each kid to get what the wanted. So we stood there and tried to compromise. I was hoping for a civil compromise between the 3 of them... Clearly, I was mistaken. After, several minutes of begging and pleading Kyle finally talked me into getting him whatever he wanted from the store if he shared and picked something else. Apparently, we had drawn the attention of a WONDERFUL couple who came over and handed me some money to get the kids what they wanted.

I tried to return the money to them unsuccessfully, as they walked away smiling and saying, We remember traveling with ours when they were longer. We enjoyed it so... Please let them go wild mom!" And they were gone. The kids hollered Thank you as they continued out the door. The kids got what they wanted and the rest of the drive home was fantastic.

That is until....

I was minding my own business keeping my eye on the total tool in the pick up truck next to me with a trailer on the back of his hitch. He would speed up and then slow down and he was driving me insane. He got a bit in front of me and then put in his turn signal. He just started merging. There was no hurry for him to. Well, as he made his way into my lane, my heart vacated my body. There semi next to me would eat me alive and spit me back out. The truck was still right next to me so there was no moving in the left lane either. I did the only thing I could. I hit my brakes and thank GOD I did.... That douche bag's trailer just missed hitting my front end. The second he passed me... I started praying and thanking God for saving the lives of my kids and I.

Yes, the experience was terrifying, it was the negative one... I should have known better than to dwell on the negative. I should have just continued on in the positive.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Reality or ???

There are so many times I have heard the phrase “looking through rose colored glasses”. You see what you want to see and that is that. Well, it is just NO fun when you are punched in the gut by reality.

Today I made a decision to walk away from a situation that just wasn’t healthy for me. I wanted it to be something that it wasn’t and never would be. No matter how hard I wished and hoped for it to be. A friend did the verbal sucker punch to the gut when she told me in the simplest right to the point statement that I had been avoiding all this time. BAM! UGH! Down for the count!

The thing with me… I don’t stay down long at all! I pop right back up and said… You really let me have it with that one, didn’t ya! No holding back! That is when she also informed me that she was tired of watching me yo-yo myself back and for and that she had to say something. You can only be supportive 100% for so long. She informed me that it was time to realize that what I wanted and what it really was ARE TWO DIFFERENT things.

Funny how we can create desire in our minds and after years of being brain washed to follow after what it is you want… You actually go for it and try something you otherwise would have never done. Yes, trying something new is a fantastic idea… but at what point to you learn that there is nothing that will ever change the outcome that this was and always will be a failed attempt?

So many times we see that person who just never gives up… How many of us really see determination? Probably the lesser part of 20% and that may be reaching a bit far. We see stupidity, ignorance, a person continuing putting himself in a degrading situation, hopeless, lost, and doomed for unrelenting failures.

I tried to maintain the positive here… I tried to keep telling myself, that there had to be a chance, be it small or not… it was there. I knew it was there. I JUST KNEW IT!!! I think my glasses weren’t only rose colored but also equipped with blinders and scented candles.

Yet, today, I decided that living in a state of mind that will lead me further away from where I should be is the wrong place for me.

But damnit wouldn’t it be great it Fat Free, low Calorie, healthy yummy tasting ice cream exisited???