Tuesday, September 29, 2009

One day at a time or all at once????

Live one day at a time.... Easier said than done!

We live in a world where we are so fast paced that EVERYTHING we do is done hurried so we can get on to the next thing. This effects everything we do... Watching television, talking, working, driving, reading... everything!!!

Sit back and think about it... really think about it. Oh, wait there may not be time allotted in your day to sit and think today. I know I am thrilled that I am one hell of a multi-tasker. With out that little quirk, I wouldn't be able to think at all!

The growth in technology is absolutely amazing. The innovation is simply astounding. Yet, I am concerned with it. My concerns are valid and make a simple and clear point. Technology, although a great invention, has began to make the human race take steps back in evolution.

Something as simple as speaking to another person has become so hurried that we have "dumbed" down our English language. We went from formal hellos and goodbyes to guttural grunts made to sound like words.

EX: (as I am sure you want to know) Hello, how are you? It's great to see you. You look wonderful! What have you been doing these days? has been degraded to Sup? with a head nod

Writing letters has been becoming a dying art. When was the last time you hand wrote a letter to someone? I am not putting down emails in any way... I am an emailing junkie... and it if it weren't for the Internet, I would be a hermit that never keeps in touch with her friends. What I wonder is what happened to the way of speaking to someone without sounding like a caveman or uneducated boob?? I am not playing the "not me" card... I am just as guilty.

While technology continues to grow, our simple brains aren't. Let's take a look at texting.

"Hello, my name is Amanda. I am a texting-oholic! I can't go a day without texting and when I didn't have my phone for a couple of months, I went through a pretty bad withdraw."

Now, texting is a great thing. It was once described to me as the prefect way to have a conversation, especially with someone you Don't want to talk to. You can give simple responses without being asked what's with the tone? And when you just don't have anything else to say or just really don't care to reply you just stop texting responses. All so true... You know it, don't deny it! We have all done that! I am guilty!!! hehehehe

Well, my problem with texting is that we as a society have made life run so quickly that the 24 hours in a day just aren't enough to get everything done that we wish to accomplish. I am sure many of us would admit to thinking that if there was a way to not have to sleep I would do it. Well, the dangers of texting are great... WHEN driving!

I was once guilty of the task. Because there just isn't enough time in my day to do everything I needed to without texting to someone while driving. Well, I have seen enough PSA's and news reports on the accidents because someone was texting while driving and not paying one damned bit of attention to the road. (yes, drunk driving is just as dangerous- I am not talking about that right now though)

That is where I believe that we are losing are ability to use common sense. Creating a stupid person... once you lose common sense... well there is no hope!

Making sure that we beat the clock is something we have been programed to do... where did taking your time to make sure you are doing something right and well go??? Everyone and everything has a deadline. I have to finish this article in order to be the first to have completed this story. I have to make sure these cars are shipped out on this date so we are first on the line. I have plans that weekend, so can we schedule an UNNECESSARY c-section to deliver my baby early so it doesn't intrude on my life?

Each of the above mentioned acts have occurred in our society... without the thought of making sure that all the information provided is accurate, ensuring the quality of the product is safe, and using the common sense of making sure your health is not being endangered. But the way we have adapted is to make excuses stating... well I will post a correction to follow if my article is misinforming, we will do a recall on the messed up cars- sorry your breaks don't work... or well, that is what doctors are for. Forget that you have just lost most if not all of your reputation in what you do from that point on.

There are so many things that we just keep passing by. The smile and light conversation with an old friend on the street- replacing it with a head nod and a grunt. The growth of our children because we have so many other things we feel NEED to be done.

By the way we are living we want to know everything that is coming our way. There is no time for us to sit back and just live life one day at a time. We want all the information in front of us RIGHT NOW!!!! (that was me jumping up and down stomping my feet- my virtual fissy fit!)

I was thinking today that I don't let myself live one day at a time... but I am damned if that is how I will continue my life... there is too much stress involved. I try to plan it all out.. that is impossible... just to think that this is how this is going to go... playing out each and every move you will make, if someone says this or does that... then I will react this way or say this in response... making your mind go in a million tangents all at once, while not even coming close to what will actually take place at the actual time of acting...having stressed for no reason at all... and then still having to come up with your reactions and responses.

Life is here to be experienced... not just rushed through. At least these are just my randomly random thoughts on the subject... What are yours? (or do you not have the time to think about it?)

Thursday, September 24, 2009

The start to new beginnings...

I have often referred to one's life as a book. As we know, many books contain chapters... life contains chapters. Each chapter is the start of a new portion of the story. Also, with each chapter, a part of the previous chapters storyline follows into the new chapters. I feel that this is all too similar to one's life.

With every new addition to life, a new chapter is created... bringing over things from the past to be carried on into the future. Each chapter contains it's own story while still inter-mingling with parts of previous story lines.

I have also, often thought about a person's life as a series of books. Each major event ends one book to begin a new one... all within the same story. Depending on how you look at it, I am somewhere in the middle of my series. I will beginning a new book. I will be starting with some new beginnings.

The adventures that lay ahead are terrifying and exciting all in the same breath. They are many and huge. Yet, all worth it!

My vagueness is not by accident. The privacy of my new book is being withheld until a later date... the date of release. The journey will be dictated and transcribed... but with only the details available at the time.

I must say that I am welcoming the start to my new beginnings.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Autumn is here...

Well, today started out as a cloudy September morning. I had decided last night that I wanted to take Kaleb for a walk on the Mill Creek Bike Trail, near my house. So, after I got Kyle and then Cadence on the bus I was going to get him ready to go for a nice morning walk. Well, my body had other plans and asked for a little more rest before we started the day.

After a little rest and some straightening up around the house, Kaleb and I got ready to hit the road. I was fully expecting the rain to come monsooning down on our heads, the moment we hit the trail; however God was shining down on us today! No rain!!!

Well, my poor legs went through some torture of bike riding yesterday... Oh that was too much. Not the bike ride but the attempt to walk down my basement steps after the bike ride. Oh, it would have been a sight to see. My legs were so rubbery that while going down the steps it was as if they were running ahead of the rest of my body. I couldn't keep up with them. It was priceless. I ended up making it down the death trap of steps with the rubber legs.... I so thought I was going to end up face first on the floor at the bottom of the steps... would not have been pretty either. Well, I was able to catch myself and take a sit for a moment before I risked walking the four or five steps to the laundry room. Well, I was good, I took my time hoping that the walking back up the steps wouldn't be as interesting as the trek down them. Well, with laundry basket in hand, I was ready to make the move... Oh going back up was just as hard as the walk down. I swear never again will I do that!!!

Ok, done with the tangent.

We make our way to the bike trail, it is only about a minute drive from my house. We got there and unloaded the stroller and all the things Kaleb "had" to have for our little stroll on the trail.

The weather was PREFECT for a nice stroll.... and we were off. My goodness, the first few minutes were just calm and collected... I had one ear phone in so I could listen to some music and still be able to hear all that was going on around me, including Kaleb.

The sun started to shine brighter and the humidity was getting a little out of hand, but the air that I was breathing was so mmmmmmm.... It was the smell of Fall.

The sweet first smell of Autumn is the most amazing scent I could ever experience. It was that combination of apple trees, wet leaves, and the linger on an oncoming rain storm. I had to turn off my music. I wanted to take it all in, NOT just the smell, NOT just the sight, I needed it all! I wanted to be overwhelmed by the magnificence of it all.

The wind blowing through the trees, rustling the leaves all around, the babbling of a little brook, the chirping of birds, and the squeaking of the insects. Seeing the leaves float around with the wind, the Autumn flowers swaying, and soft sweet breeze cooling the back of my neck bringing in the delicious aroma of Autumn.

The invigorating aroma and the relaxed state I was in from the walk has set my mood to be so calm! I love it! The Autumn is my all time favorite season!!!!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Some quotes... just love quotes!

Well, this morning started off very well. I am thrilled about that. I am tired of being so down in the dumps so often. I want so much more out of life. So much more!!!!! I want to do things!!!

Yet, I know that I am the one that holds myself back. Fear is a nasty thing! It grabs hold of your ankles and keep pulling you back even when you right on the brink of grabbing that ledge you know that if you grab, you will be alright... Damn that ledge is just in sight and just out of reach!

So a few blogs back I mentioned a quote that really speaks volumes to a person like me. The kind of person who stands still and doesn't move but her eyes to look around as life just keeps zooming by, while she just collects dust! UGH! Well, today I came across some quotes that I REALLY like.

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning. By Albert Einstein

Live life fully while you're here. Experience everything. Take care of yourself and your friends. Have fun, be crazy, be weird. Go out and screw up! You're going to anyway, so you might as well enjoy the process. Take the opportunity it learn from your mistakes; find the cause of your problem and eliminate it. Don't try to be prefect, just be an excellent example of being human. By Anthony Robbins

One day at a time -- this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future; for it has not yet come. Live in the present and make so beautiful it will be worth remembering. Author Unknown

There is in the worst of fortune the best of chances for a happy ending. By Euripides

Do just once what others say you can't do, and you will never pat attention to their limitations again. By James R. Cook

Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." By Charles M. Schultz

Well, those are some of the ones I just truly love! All inspiring and motivating.

Monday, September 21, 2009

25 Firsts...

1. Who was your first prom date? Well, that would be Jason. He was also the person I happened to marry. We went to my Junior Prom, however he wasn't the first person who asked me to a prom, but my mom wouldn't let me go before then.

2. Do you still talk to your first love? No. I haven't talked to him in a couple of years. We had reconnected a few years back on MySpace.... but that was short lived too.

3. What was your first alcoholic drink? Oh goodness. I would have to say that it was some little airplane type bottles of alcohol. I was at my friend Jen's house for one of the New Years... I am guessing it was becoming 1994 or 1995. We had our friend Courtney with us as well. We drank a couple of those bottles and then filled them with some of the alcohol from her parents stash... we were sliding down small little snow hills in the neighbors yard in the middle of the night.

4. What was your first job? I started working at Handel's Ice Cream when I was 15. It was great fun. I loved working there. But sadly that was the start of when I had to start buying all my own things.... I mean come on working 15 hours a week during the summer, wasn't going to get me thru the year.

5. What was your first car? 1983 Oldsmobile Reliant. That thing was beat to hell. Oh, the potholes that jumped out in front of me and the curbs that tried to trip me up. The transmission was a POS and it was what taught me how to listen for certain sounds; that to this day I can tell when the car has a problem with the transmission over anything else.

6. Who was the first person to text you today? That would be my sister in law Tibi, to tell me about leaving Kyle's shoes at her house over the weekend.

7. Who was the first person you thought of this morning? Kaleb, because the little turd woke up at 3:30 this morning and didn't go back to sleep until after 9am. Not too happy about that one!

8. Who was your first grade teacher? Mrs. Pecillo..... I hated her!!!!

9. Where did you go on your first flight, in an airplane.... No where. I have never flown.

10. Who was your first best friend and do you still talk? Tracie Z. Well, we kind of keep in touch through FaceBook. We are around.

11. Where was your first sleep over? I think at this girl Nicole's house. I ended up calling my mom and going home in the middle of the night.

12. Who was the first person to talked to today? That would be Kaleb again, since we were the only two awake so damned early.

13. Whose wedding were you in for the first time? Well, I was dubbed a flower girl for my sister Treva's wedding, but I only got dressed up for a reception after they got married in Hawaii. Although, after that I was a bridesmaid in my brother's wedding.

14. What was the first thing you did this morning? Started praying to please let Kaleb go to sleep so that I can go to sleep.

15. What was the, first concert you went to? That would be a Boys 2 Men concert in 1994. Oh the concert was fun... but the drive home was the best... Jen screaming about having to go pee so bad that she was pointing out the red port a potty in a construction zone on the side of the freeway.

16. First Tattoo? Still in the making in my head. I am going to get one, one of these days... just figuring out what it is that I really want. I do know where I want it... around the ankle and on the top of my foot.... or just around the ankle.... but I am coming up with what I want.

17. First piercing? That would be my ears. I had little yellow birdies.

18. First foreign country you went to? Went to Canada.... I believe Jason and I had went there for some reason or another.... It was awesome! I loved it!!!

19. First movie you remember seeing? I have no clue, but the movie that pops into my head is All I Want For Christmas. My mom took me and a friend to see it. It was a cute movie. Every time I see it these days, it reminds me of when I went to the movies with my mom.

20. What state you lived in? That would be where I was born... Ohio!

21. Who was your first roommate? Well other than my mom... that would be Jason.

22. When was your first detention? I want to say it was either my freshman or sophomore year... I was giggling in study hall. It was my birthday and a friend of mine brought me a gift and she gave it to me in study hall. I opened it and got scowled at for the wrapping paper noises... then when I was giggling about something with my friend the nasty study hall wench gave me detention. Well.... I didn't end up going, being the defiant ass I was then.... Turns out that when you don't go, then the days just start to double. I ended up getting 24 detentions extra... but couldn't serve in the afternoon.... so that turned them into 48 detentions for the morning.... So then I went twice and never had to go again....because the detention principal was a dirty perv.

23. When was your first kiss? I was 14... After I had walked home to my friend Amanda's house... we walked home with my boyfriend, Nick, at the time. We got to her backyard and we were sitting on the back porch. Well, he just walked up to me and kissed me. It was the sloppiest wettest most disgusting thing ever. I never wanted to do it again. But he kept kissing me. I so thought I would need a bib.

24. What is one thing you would learn, if given the chance? I would want to learn multiple languages. I think that would be the greatest thing ever!!!!

25. Who will be the next to post this.... I say Melinda from Just Me.

some afternoon dream interpretation

Well, last night I just couldn't sleep. I just couldn't there was nothing more I could about it than just lay in bed with eyes wide open, praying for some sleep. Well, Kaleb had woke up at around 3:30 am and was wide awake and ready for the day. I laid with him while he watched cartoons. I think I dozed for about 45 mins at the most before I got up to get Kyle ready for school. Well, Kaleb was still up and while I laid down to try to rest my eyes the hour before I had to get Cadence up to get ready for school he watched more cartoons... no rest for me. Well, about 9ish this morning, he conked out.. THANK YOU GOD!!!!

I was able to sneak in about an hour of sleep. During that hour, I would have loved for a completely blank brain... HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Did I really think that was going to happen? That would be the day. Well, in that short time, I had dreamt. My dream was me completely in the dark... there was just darkness all around me. I wasn't completely calm, but I had the sad feeling of completely being alone.

I am one who has to know what my dreams mean. I mean, there has to be a reason why my brain creates some of the images that it does. This one was just unsettling. Not something I like to carry around with me all day. So, I went to the web and to a site that I often use to figure out my wacko dream.

The darkness and being lost in it denotes a sense of desperation and depression or insecurity.

The feeling of being lost suggests that I have lost direction in my life or I have lost sight of my goals. That I may be feeling insecure (there is that word again) about the path I am taking with my life.

The feeling of being alone indicates the feeling of rejection, as if no one understands me.

Well, I am aware of these things and can do without them in my dreams. But apparently my body it telling me that there is only so much more it can take before it decides to cease working for me.

I decided to do some research today.... I am looking towards the goal at hand... and I will not falter. I can not falter. I must keep moving... I can't be alone in the dark lost.... I just can't!

Saturday, September 19, 2009

doesn't make much sense, but oh well

Today.... hmmm.... I have so much to say so there may be just some crazy jumping around... may not make much sense at times, but really do I often make sense?

I think I have really come to terms with why I am the way I am... NOT!!!!! I have realized that I DO know that I am capable to doing what I want to do. That I AM capable of being who I want to be. That there IS hope out there that I can be truly and insanely happy.

I know I have what it takes to do what needs to be done... but I am still pondering over why in the hell I am standing still. It makes me angry. GRRRRR!!!!

I spent some time with some great people today. People that I have grown to love and adore. People that I would hate to not have in my life. Maybe that is a reason why I stand still... because I fear they will not follow me.

The first part of this blog started on Saturday... it is now Sunday and I have really realized somethings.... Things I don't think I have ever allowed myself to think before. Things that just terrify me to think. I have so many great friends and family. I am afraid of how they will be when I start walking again. I was told today, that if they don't follow, then they weren't worth it to begin with.

Have you ever seen the TV show, Wipeout?? There is this thing on there called the motivator... I need one of those to give me my push forward.

late night ramblings of the rambler

Life is such a funny thing. Yeah, I said it. I have gone back and forth between believing in fate. It comes and goes on whether I do or do not believe in this four letter word.

I used to believe that there was a plan set out for each person that has been created in this world. Not that each step has been planned out, but each fork in the road will always be there, waiting for the individual to come to it, to make a decision and then there is a set life to go from there, with more up and coming forks to cross. I have recently lost sight in this. I mean, I understand that we are designed to make our own choices, but society helps feed us what to do next. No, I am not trying to place blame for any of my actions, those I whole-heartily except as my own. Many not wise, while others the best choices I have ever made in my life.

I used to believe that there was a set destiny for each person. That there is a set design... a final place to hang our hats- however, over time I have learned that there is no way that is possible. We can everyday decide to take a left turn rather than a right turn.... or even the other way around. Not is set in stone... any little ripple can effect so much.

My ideas and thoughts about Karma were pretty much the same. I believed without a shadow of a doubt that you get what you dish out. Then I came to the decision, that there is NO way in hell that can be possible to the fullest extent. I know for a fact that I have not done anything so horrible to go through what I go through. I mean, how many people do you know to have a Breast cancer scare, viral meningitis, 2 bulging discs, severe colds and viruses all in one year... not to forget to mention the life I have led. I mean really??????

I have decided you have to make your own path... You have to make your own good fortune. The is no way around that. I mean, I know that I keep myself in the position that I am in, and it is my own fault, but WOW is it a slap in the face to have someone else point out to you just how stupid it is.

I don't point fingers at why I do what I do or why I stay where I stay. Granted, there are reasons behind why I feel the way I do, but none for why I don't act.

But life, proves to have its own little scheme everyday. The choices me make, bring people in and out of our lives in ways that are amazing.... The choices that one makes can bring in an unexpected person to become an absolute best friend.... or can take away someone that was held near to your heart.

I used to want a time machine to go back and change things from my past... to cut out the heart ache, to remove the pain, to dislodge the disgust.... But, I would not be half the woman I am today if I had not endured the experiences I have. I wouldn't have my perfect babies, I surely would not have the friends that I have.... To get rid of some pain.... would NOT be worth the loss of so many amazing and wonderful things.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Early morning mind madness

I do not write for the sympathy or the pity of others... I do not write to get other people to tell me how sorry they are for me. I write because I enjoy the artistic release with the occasional twinge of humor and entertainment. Usually I use my writing as my own attempt of therapy... my own deranged method of therapy... Hey there is no copay for that right??? Also, I find it better than beginning my day with a spiked OJ or numbing my senses with pills.

Well, this morning as I was trying to rest my eyes between getting my kids ready for school(there is a 2 hour span between when the bus picks Kyle up to when another bus picks Cadence up) my mind went off on one of its crazy rants. Maybe rant isn't the right word, perhaps a little harsh.

Well here we go:

I am just a little girl that is all wrapped up in the skin of a woman. No there is no mental disability just maybe an emotional one...hahaha

This morning I remembered a time when I was about 13 or so. I am sure that many of us remember that when we were that age the world revolved around us. Each one of us individually... if not for you, the world sure as hell revolved around me during my teenage years.

Well, of course, for just about every 13 year old girl there is ALWAYS a boy- this one was my latest heart throb crush. Or course at that time there was no other boy that I would ever love- Funny I can hardly remember what this kid looks like now. Well, I was majorly crushing (like there was any other way) on this boy and of course you tell your friends. There was one person who I thought I was friends with (wow I was stupid- or guess just young) ended up getting to go to this party (again... I was never allowed to leave me house) and while there she made out with him. Oh when I found out I wanted to die... I hated the world... it was crashing in around me and there was no reason to go on. Dramatic I know, I was 13 year old girl.

Naturally, my life was over. I was heart broken and so betrayed. (a sense of foreshadowing perhaps-something to look forward to in the future) I cried that whole day in my room. I sat in this one chair in room and sobbed and cried and acted like a major drama queen. My mother attempted to help in her way-although greatly unsuccessful.

"you're a beautiful girl- there is no need to cry over this."

"mom, you just don't get it... you don't understand" ( i mean we all know that our parents were never kids or teenagers)

"Honey, I was young once. There is no need to cry like this, if just shows weakness."

"I don't want you here right now- just go away- I want my dad!" (I am pretty sure this was the key moment of my mother turning on me)

I wasn't a daddy's girl by no means. Hell, I barely even knew my dad. But at that moment I knew what I wanted, and my dad was it. I wanted him to be sitting in that chair, in my room, with me curled up on his lap; my face buried in his chest-crying my eyes out. With his big daddy arms wrapped around me squeezing me to him, giving me a kiss on the top of my head.

I wanted to hear him tell me that boys are stupid- he wasn't good enough for me anyway-that no one ever will be. I wanted to have the one man who never lets his little girl down to be at my side right then at that moment. Granted there were many moments throughout my life... moments that only a fathers love and hug could help.

And even at 29 (getting all too close to 30) I still want my daddy.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

a smilely day... followed by a not so smilely day

You know that one of the greatest things is when you reconnect with people you once knew in your past. It is the best feeling to know that you are not as forgettable as you have been lead to believe. When you reconnect with a past friend, that time so cruelly took away, it just makes ya happy.... at least that is how it is for me... I was so super excited last!!!

Well, today however, has the light of something else.... Evil People. As many of you remember, the stupid office that I worked for fired me because I was sick and in the hospital last year... Well, I have a friend who has been sick for a little while now. She works for the same piece of shit company I did. She will be going back to work soon and I am a bit worried about what is awaiting her.

Well, it turns out that one of the bitches that works there, that I once upon a time sadly thought was a friend of mine (she was also in my friends wedding), had decided to start running her mouth about things she knows nothing about. When my friend first started getting sick, this stupid bitch would try everything she could to find out something that was going on... well that doesn't upset me, but she then decided to get pissed because my friend didn't want others knowing what was going on. She was a bitch to me when I told her that it wasn't my place to tell her what was going on and if my friend wanted everyone to know, she would be the one to tell her. Well, you would have thought I called her a stupid whore bitch with the way she reacted.

Well, I find out that she has the nerve to now start telling people that my friend, who is on a medical leave of absence, isn't sick at all. That she is always doing things and if she can do certain things.... then she can work.

I swear sometimes I really want to know why there are such stupid people in the world. I want to know what makes them think that they can just do or say whatever they feel like... regardless of who it can and will hurt in the long run.

Well.... just really wanted to vent. Thanks for reading!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

just some random ramblings... the usual by far

Have you ever felt like there was something you want to say or do.... but you just don't know what or how? That is how I feel today. I have been going through many of the other blogs that I have so enjoyed reading in the past. They were a nice addition to my day.

Lately I have been going through an emotional roller coaster of emotions. The ups, downs and loop de loops have, at times, been a bit more than I can handle. I have been reading a lot and I don't think I have read this much in years. I am actually on my 11th book, and it all started about a couple of weeks ago.

I have been watching movies to also try to numb the constant vibrations of my brain... but fictional lives don't help matters much. They just add to the thoughts that are always crossing my mind. I have always been a very daydreamy type of person, but as of lately.... it just seems to be getting worse.

I have been thinking a lot about what I really love to do and what I really want to do with my life. I have always loved photography and taking pictures. I have also wanted to travel all around the world. I want to see places and experiences cultures. I have a list of places I would love to go.. Ireland; Sweden; The Isle of Man; England; Germany; Japan; and the list just goes on and on. I also want to take my children on trips across the US to teach them of their American

Those are just a few of the things that I want. I want to go back to school. I just want to learn so much about so much. I want to learn new languages and teach them to my children. I want to be worldly and of the world all at the same time.

I also want to have an emotion smoothness. I understand that as humans we have a wide range of emotions. That is all acceptable. Yet, I can do with out the constant thoughts of things that make no sense. Or even when my mind realizes all of my weaknesses.

I am not saying that I am perfect... no one is. I have my issues... who doesn't. Yet, I know that I am just an average everyday woman: pony tail hair style, jeans and t-shirt wardrobe, little to no make-up, and absolutely in love with my children.

So why do I have so many thoughts about things that just drive me insane? Are there others out there that day dream of things that are outside the realm of your everyday normalcy? Are there others who just can't seem to get up over the one hump they know is holding them back from the rest of their lives? Or am I completely alone with this?

I know most of my post jumps all around and probably makes little to no sense... sorry.... but for some reason, I can't seem to lump my thoughts into something that makes actual sense. They just all keep jumping out of my mind into my fingers and across the keyboard. They needed to escape. :)

Monday, September 14, 2009

good grief

Dreams are so insane! Sometimes, I really wonder what goes through my mind before I go to sleep. Well, I remember clearly the thoughts I was thinking last night before I went to sleep, and they had NO part in what I dreamt.

My wild fantasy mind was working overtime last night. Ohhh, my newest actor heart throb is Alexander Skarsgard (yum). I know, I am almost 30 years old and the mother of three... but that man makes my blood pump.

Well, that was who I was thinking of before I finally met with the sandman's demands. Yet, my dreams were far more odd. I usually have paranoid and anxiety ridden dreams, so that wasn't out of the ordinary for me. And in this one I was far more calm and helped to rectify the issue.

I had dreamt that I had gotten my two oldest on the bus for school, that my youngest was in the living room watching cartoons and there were all these really extremely buff men all around my house. What were they doing, you wonder... they were "pretending" to be doing yard work. There were some with bags, and rakes, and mulch, and a push mower. A couple were standing in my neighbors yard, like it was a daily occurrence for such a scene in my yard. Then I seen a couple of them start to sneak by my fence talking about how someone was coming. But this person never came.

I walked into my house, completely confused. There was a man sitting on my couch next to my son, he was in jeans and a tight t-shirt and a gun holstered to his side. (My dreams are very vivid- sometimes too vivid) He stood up and was super polite, asked me if I would mind him searching my house. He stated that there was an escaped con on the loose and he was noted as heading this way. They had seen him cutting through some yards (the cops were also hiding out in a vacant house behind me, watching and waiting for this guy) and he was close to coming around to the front of my property when he vanished. They believed he had gotten into my backyard, which was completely searched and turned up empty. The think he had entered the house.

I told him to do whatever he needed to and if I should take my son and run like hell. He told me that my best bet was to behave as though I had people at my house often doing work as such and to behave as though I was going about my daily life... no worries. So, I went to check my back door, it was unlocked (i thought, damn kids) and it wasn't completely shut. I went back to tell the officer this. He asked to check the upstairs and down and I told him all of the places that may look like nothing but to search because they were easy to hide in.

Well, I went and stood in my kitchen and was looking out the window. Well, from my house to the actual house behind me, there is no way to see into each others houses, however, dreams don't always follow those guidelines. There was an officer (someone I really do know) pulling his shirt down showing a woman his complete six pack. He noticed me watching and we both started laughing.

At some point he made his way over and asked how I was. Asked where my wedding ring was, I told him I was divorced and then I said, So it is always protocol to flash people. (oddly something we would really talk about in my awake world if we still spoke to each other) He told me that I had not need to be jealous... then at that moment, my son was crying in his room and they won't let me get to him. I was fighting and screaming for him to come to mommy, but they kept me back til someone had checked it out.

He had fallen and I was pissed. Next thing I know, the guy from my couch told me, that it was a definite that this strange escaped criminal was in my house, there is evidence that shows he entered, but none to prove he left. Turn just before my alarm went off, I turned to my friend and said you can't leave. You need to find him. Please don't let him hurt my babies don't let him hurt me. He looked at me and swore to never leave my side again.

I really wonder why I dream. I mean really!? There has got to be something chemically wrong with my brain to make me have such vivid dreams. To be honest, that was a pretty mild one. Usually I am running around with a gun or weapon of some form, being chased or hunting someone who had made the impression of hurting one of my children. There are nights that I would love to have a goofy dream or even dream about someone/thing of my minds fantasy. Though, never really successful on that one.

Oh, on a side note; I colored my hair yesterday. It was supposed to turn out well... of it is almost black... if not black. Once I style it and put a little makeup on (so I don't look so washed out) I will put up a picture. It is interesting to say the least. Maybe now, I can turn goth... hahahaha!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

late night thoughts....they never let you sleep

I absolutely love to write. I have been writing for as long as I can remember. I have notebooks and composition books, and folders and binders and loose papers everywhere in this house from the times of being a teenager.

I came across a composition book that I had started writing in while still in Junior High School... there were some of my earliest poems in there. I really wonder what in the world went through my young mind. There are thoughts and feelings and emotions in those words that I KNOW I have never experienced at that age. It makes me think that I have always been this wounded creature. Who knows.... maybe most early and late teens have similar thought processes.

Well, last night I wanted to get on an write something... but it was about 4am... and that just wanted happening. However, I couldn't sleep because the damned thoughts were rushing my mind and not letting me rest long enough for the sandman to come in whisk me off to a restful (hahaha-yeah right) slumber.

So, I took out one of my many notebooks and wrote it down so that I can transfer the thoughts to my wonderful blog. So here is goes...

I watched a movie this night-the title is of no consequence. The movie was a depiction of a time our country was at war. The story was real, the story rang true... though the actors played fictional characters- the lives lost during the retelling only mimic the lives of those truly lost.

The direction of this film shadowed the lives of those who were enemies in a time well gone. Again, completely understanding, fictional people were used to show the similarities of the human race.

Through my life I have known power to be what the greedy and selfish seek- and the force behind their drive have proven to be deadly at all costs. Moral are different between all, which makes us each more alike then many care to recognize.

This film, although unreal, brought and ache to my heart and tears to my eyes. Yet an awakening to my soul- to comprehend: Men and women through generations have battles, while more than one single person can imagine have lost their own life battle to ensure that every day people regardless of race, religion, sexuality, or country can continue to fight their own personal life battles.

The premise behind each war is for the increased power- yet to me, with my little awakening and opening of my eyes- is the power to continue living.

I have taken advantage and have taken for granted the simplicity of waking each morning with shelter, food and the love my children. I have assumed that is is my right to maintain my life style- while complaining over trivial displeasures.

I have awakened to learn that it is my privilege to be able to wake each day and rest each night- because somewhere in the world someone is fighting the battle to allow me and all other people the ability to continue on.

That is what I wrote last night at 4 in the morning... I mean there were about a million of thought flooding my mind, but that is what I was able to get to paper. I also remembered how stinking long it takes to write something out versus typing it. The wonders and convenience of technology.

Well, I think one of these days, I will also put up some of my past work... things that I wrote years ago... even over a decade ago. Crazy!

Friday, September 11, 2009

Thinking... It's overrated!

So, I have come to terms with the process we all call thinking. To be perfectly honest, thinking is overrated!

Now don't get me wrong, I strongly believe in using the thought process to analyze and execute actions in many aspects of life. What I can't seem to take anymore are the thoughts that you just can't seem to control. The ones that make a person feel less adequate, over stressed, under appreciated, over stimulated, un-everything. The thoughts of what if, if only, wouldn't it be nice, the ones that we really can't do a damned thing about.

I am sure what I am saying makes little sense, but hey I know what I am saying....

I would give most anything for a day without a thought to cross my mind. A week would be heaven, what about a month or even a year, maybe then I wouldn't feel so damned exhausted just from thinking.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

It has been too long....

Wow... it has been about forever since I have been on here. I used to be a blogging fool. Awhile back I used to have a Myspace account. Through Myspace I had a blog, that was before I knew about this wonderful little place here. Once I was introduced to the greatness of I ended my mad blogging through Myspace. Yet something else ended with that, I lost the desire to write. No, I don't so much associate it with the canceling my Myspace page, that would make absolutely no sense what so ever. I think that alot of my drive for writing has to do with my moods. I am sure that many of you can relate to that... I guess that I am just so lost in so much, that I just don't know anything these days.

I have an attachment to my blog that gives a motivation quote a day.... (I am a quote junkie... i love them). The quote that was on my page today really shot out and stuck to me today.... "If you want to get somewhere you have to know where you want to go and how to get there. Then never, never, never give up. by-Norman Vincent Peale"

I have been going through some issues lately that are all to familiar to me. I thought, even if it were just for a small few months, that I was OK. That maybe just once in my life I was going to be happy, I was going to ok. Apparently, I was fooling myself. (I am still trying to figure that one out)

I got married in May of 2001. I was already a mother, to the first of my three children. I had always wanted to get married, but i didn't want to get married that day. I wasn't forced into it, I wasn't made to do anything. However, I was also not told that I wasn't going to be a complete disappointment to everyone of those who love me if I didn't get married. I know stupid, but that is me.

Within the first 6 months of my marriage, I was miserable, with a capital M... I hated my husband, I grew to resent him, and loathe everything about life in general. I didn't have a car, I didn't have many friends (although the ones I did have were amazing) I never went anywhere, I wasn't allowed to. I was taking care of my child ALONE. My husband did whatever he wanted to and that was that. No way around it. I just kept getting worse and worse.

Over time I had reconnected (via the Internet) with an old friend from when we were high school. We didn't go to school together, but we had mutual friends, in fact he was the boyfriend of one of my friends from high school. We all, in one hell of a large group, would go out all the time. Well, he had joined the Army and moved away shortly after the summer ended after we had all graduated. We had tried to stay in touch, but for one reason or another, that doesn't always work. Well, there he was, right there a typed message away. We started talking again... mainly about the stupid things we all did when we were younger... too bad that was only about a little over 3 year ago... i know too funny. We had discussed the silliness of simple crushes and what ifs.

Well, I was at a point in my life, where at that time he was becoming such a friend that I began to trust in him with my every secret. He became my life line. I had ( and still do have) a friend that I was closer to me, that I could have and should have shared all my secrets with, all my pain with, but she was equally a friend of my husband's. So, I turned to him, and told him my sadness, my hate, my disgust, my fears, my wishes, and my dreams. I told him the problems that I was having and the growing hate I had for my husband. And you know what he was there every step of the way. Not in the sense, hmmm, how can I make this work for me. But he helped me work through my fears to see that I was a very strong woman and I could make a simple ripple in the water and make so many changes. I just needed to know what I wanted and where to get, and NEVER NEVER NEVER give up on that. So similar to the quote for today.

Over time, I told my husband the issues that I had with him and he claimed he was fine and did nothing wrong. So at that time, I had decided that what we needed was to separate and get a divorce. That we, if anything, I was too young and this wasn't the wisest thing to have done. We made any agreements and decisions, and I went to stay with my mother. At that time, we agreed that it was best for our son to sleep and maintain his regular life in his home. I would have him from the time he woke to the time it was to go home and go to bed. I understand that was stupid beyond all belief, and I know that I should have never done something like that in my life. But I made that mistake and I regret it everyday.... still to this day even 7 years later.

Those who I thought were my friends during this time, would begin to tell me things that I was just too stupid to have not seen myself. My husband was a lying cheating asshole bastard. There were so many times that he had lied and cheated, that they felt sorry for me, yet they never told me. I have been able to get over the fact my friends were unable to tell me these things and build stronger relationships that have lasted the years.

During this time, I maintained communication with my friend and we had decided to see each other when he was in town from leave in the process of being transferred from one base to another. I seen him and we spent some time together. During my separation from my husband, I grew to really enjoy the company of my friend and we had talked about how we had felt when we were younger and how things in life are so confusing. I grew to love him.

Over time, during the months of the separation, I began working and looking for a job. I had also found out that my husband was trying in every way to make it so that I would lose custody of my son and never see him again. He was going to my family and telling them that I wanted to live the life of a wild party animal with no responsibilities. Then there came a time that I had to choose. He told me that he was just going to take my son and disappear, I would never see him again, and there was nothing I could do... Or I could move home. I went home. I figured I would be able to still work, save money and leave... all the things I knew I could do.

Well, to many of you, you all know I am not the healthiest of individuals. I am rather a sickly person. I ended up finding out that I was going to need surgery for endemetreosis. During that surgery I was informed that had a bad case and a large tumor on one of my ovaries. Luckily it was nothing. But then I was informed that my possibilities of having anymore children would decrease every year, that if I wanted to have anymore children now was the time to start to try.

Well, my marriage was faltering, I pretty much despised my husband, but I didn't think I had any other options. I really do believe I am a weak person. We talked about it and decided to go ahead and try. It took eight months, but I finally got pregnant. Was I any happier about my life, no. Was I looking forward to being a mommy again, YES!!! Thrilled, because I knew it was the one thing I knew I was great at. Well, it was also the most difficult of my pregnancies. I was very sick and lost crazy amounts of weight. Also, one hell of a delivery... But it was all worth it!

Then my second precious little one became 5 months old, my sister-in-law was getting married and it was to be a joyous time. Yet, internally i was still so beaten and bruised. That I felt that I only continued to get worse every day over the weeks, months, and years. Yet, I didn't know what was wrong with me, my husband and I decided to try to make things work, and I had a good home, healthy kids, but a broken abused heart. Then, a few weeks after the wedding, I found out that he was cheating on me AGAIN. God, was I furious. Not that he was cheating on me, but that I was stupid enough to think that he wouldn't. Stupid enough to think that I meant anything at all to him. Stupid enough to let it happen again. I wanted his blood that day. But again, I was weak and did nothing about it. He made me believe that it was my fault. That I pushed him to be with someone else. And not just any one but the bitch who watched my kids.

Well, I started to see a therapist...not a good thing, she was a quack. So I stopped and figured that I would just have to do what I do and just suck it up. I apparently was to weak to do anything about it and that was just that. Well, some time had passed and I was on birth control although I really didn't even want to think about being intimate with him ever again. Yet, alcohol makes you do things that you normally wouldn't. So I ended up realizing my period was a week late. Then another week went by... then I told my husband and we waited yet another week, then it came time to find out what was obvious. The moment that test was positive, I was terrified. How was I going to be able to take care of another baby, we had so many bills, such a small house, the usual fears, but the excitement of being a mommy again. That son of a bitch told me I would "have to take care of this, because we weren't having anymore kids". "Go to one of those places and get it taken care of" I thought another part of me died that day. Now today I am sure that a part of me died that day.

Well, what did I do, yup you guessed nothing. Again, not sure what part of me is so damned weak, but it is there. As my third and youngest grew, my tattered heart still ached.... my mind still wondered and my life just kept going.

Time had passed, and I got an email from my long lost friend and my heart fluttered. Although, I knew nothing would come of it. That was from another time. A time long gone and never to be had again. He wanted our friendship back, he missed me about as much as I missed him. He was a great friend. (if you are out there I want you to know that!) I miss him still.

Well, my husband was back to being an evil asshole who didn't care about anything but himself and his needs and wants. I was tired of it. I wanted out and I was going to make it happen. I told him I wanted a divorce and that was that. I started contacting attorneys and checking out new residence. I had plans, I had big plans. But I didn't have the guts to follow through.

I started to see a therapist again, She was amazing. She helped me out alot... but she knew that I was stuck and that it was me who had to do the unsticking. Unfortunately, I became very ill.... that was last October. It took many months to get over that hump of being ill. But I was able to get past it.

I decided that it was time to try to make a go at my marriage again. To try to MAKE things work., That was that... I had to, it was the only way for me to be happy. I didn't want to be alone for the rest of my life and I didn't think I was good enough for anything else.

Well, it is September 2009 and I am still heart broken, mind numbed, and deteriorating.... What is wrong with me?

Well, today's quote... it really made me think... Not like I haven't been as it is. But What do I want? Where is it? And am I capable of never never never giving up on getting it?