Sunday, May 20, 2012

I was once so filled with hopes and dreams... So many and too many to list. I was going to one day go to law school. I wanted to make my way up the political chain. I had hopes to one day help make a change in our ever faltering society.

When you are young you don't realize that there are many hiccups that can turn everything upside down...

My hiccup was finding out I was pregnant. I was so happy and excited and naturally terrified all at the same time. I was 19 when I  found out. I knew the type of mother I wanted to be... I also knew the type of attorney I one day dreamed to be.... I knew there was a choice to be made... Do I do both when before starting I knew I would fail? No, I made the decision to be the best mother I ever could be. I made the best decision in my entire life!! I regret nothing of it.

This time 12 years ago I was nearing my final days before motherhood.

12 years seem like such a short time... Does it really though, when you sit back and think of all that has happened in those 12 years?

Monday, January 23, 2012

on to the next journey...

Wow! I lost my job last week. Talk about the past few months being pure hell! I think the most painful thing is learning that I wasn't even a part of "The Team" that I was tricked into believing true.

3 days out from the hospital still trying to make it through a day with the pain that I have learned I will end up having to live with, I receive a phone call. The first one in over a week from my previous employer. (not one phone call to see how I was while laying in the hospital bed for 8 days.) Mind you, we were a company of 4, I wasn't a number in a large corporation.

Both of the guys who run the office are on the phone... the President of the company, a man I look up to and gives me faith that good people still exist, didn't even have the nerve to do it himself. The Vice President of the company, with his monotone and void voice informed me, "We have to take a different direction with your employment here, effective immediately."

All I could do was say "Okay". There was some other words he spoke and to be honest I was numb at that point. At the end of the conversation, I was told we hope you find the answers you need.

If that wasn't bad enough, when stopping in to clear my office and return my keys.... Not a one of them could have made the time to offer any words to me. Hell, one wasn't even there... While the other stayed in his office. I was treated as though I was a leper and had stolen from the company.

I've been hurt by their actions. I understand the politics behind a small company and well, stand behind their decision. Their follow through and actions were shameful and unfortunately showed me a side of them that is shocking.

I am still in a state of being numb. I try each day to move forward but the luster I once had is slowly dulling.

Starting in October my health has been a huge issue. I don't choose to be ill. I don't choose to go through pain or discomfort. I am watching all around me growth in each person I know... Yet, I feel my growth has stunted.

I am perfectly well aware that I am the keeper and key holder of my fate and with each day I allow this dark force to keep pushing me down only permits the luster to die out. My one strength is the continuance of jumping back up... There is no slow moving. I am on my feet and back at it the moment my ass hits the floor. I make the vow to myself, to never allow that to fail.

My next adventure is on its way... it will be bumpy and damn near difficult at times.... But guess what I'm not strong bitch and I will roll with the punches!