Sunday, November 29, 2009

ugh blah grump

Do you know what if feels like to think about something so much that when you think about it anymore.... it just makes you sad?

Well.... I do! I am not a fan of it either!

It is no secret that I have been unhappily married for many many years now. I have been working towards getting divorced for so long.... and now it is finally here! Oh sweet Jesus, it is finally here! Well, not the finalization process but the fact that the father to my children has finally finally finally seen the light! He has finally come to terms with the fact that our marriage is not only a joke, but a negative cancer that has been slowly killing both of us; more so over the past few years.

A few months ago, I sat him down and told him for the 5th or 6th time ( you lose count after awhile) that I want a divorce... and that this time I am not letting him slink his way out of it! He looked at me and said, "I agree, what do you propose?" I thought I was going to die right there on the spot! I had not imagined those words ever crossing his mouth! I could have jumped up and done a jig!

Don't get me wrong, I am not an evil person. As many of you know I have been battling with a man who has cheated on me so many times, again I lost count; who doesn't not appreciate me as a person; or who doesn't work with me as a parent most of the time!

Well, we sat that night and made plans. Plans that I have been daydreaming about for so long! Thoughts that I had finally coming to a reality! Oh, it was making me giddy! So, over the past few months we are still working towards reaching these goals we have set for the dissolution of our marriage.

Well, I have gone so long wanting to be in a relationship with someone who loves me and that I love unyeildingly! I long for such a relationship! One where I can be with the one person who just makes me smile when I think of them!

I want to dance around for no reason, sit outside and watch it rain, dance/play/twirl/kiss in the rain... I want so many things!!!! I have been dreaming about them for so long now, that it makes me sad to think of them. I have waited for so long... and I know I only have a little while longer to wait before I can start my search... but I hate waiting! I can't take it anymore! I want to have someone look at me with that one certain look in their eyes! That looks that makes you feel so WOW!!!

I guess I will just never be happy! I make something to complain about everyday!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Are you flippin' kidding me?

This is all about me bitching and moaning... so if you don't want to read my venting, then stop here!

Today was like any other day! A calm day of house cleaning and cooking and spending time with the kids. Well, that is until this evening! Let me start where it may make some sense. As we all know, this week is Thanksgiving! That means the kids will be getting some time off of school. Tomorrow is their last day this week. They will be off for 5 days straight and are super excited!

Kyle, my oldest, has an Ohio History (Social Studies) test tomorrow. He has his book home and his study guide. Plus he had a homework page he had to finish. Well, It is all from the same book and all going to be a part of the test.

Kyle does NOT and I mean NOT like to read. In fact I am sure that is his least favorite thing of ALL time. Well, study usually... most always, involves reading. So did his homework. He was having no part of it. Every time he behaves like this - acting as though the world is going to end or his life will be over if he even attempts to read- I sit down and calmly (yes, calmly the first few times) tell him that all he needs to do is read the sections... or even just skim over them for the answers. Then I also went over his study guide with him and showed him everywhere he needed to look to study for the test!

Well, I had done this several times. About an hour and a half after he sat down and I first explained everything to him... having to tell him again wasn't coming out so calmly! I was starting to get upset. Well, for the one millionth time I told him that he needs to read the chapter and he will get the answers... and to go over the notebook that has the rest of the answers.

What happens next... Kyle begins to whine and complain! So what does his father do... the same thing that SOB (that stands for SON OF A BITCH!!!!!) does every time Kyle behaves this way over his homework.... Walks in there and does the homework for him. Gives him the answers and tells him how to write it!

NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES.... no matter how many times I sit that damned ass.... the other parent to my children.... down to talk to him about the importance of working TOGETHER as parents- his thick head doesn't allow the information to sink in!

There are just too many incidents of this behavior. Just this past weekend a family friend called him out on his behavior, this time with Kaleb (the youngest). I said something today (as well as just about every other day of my existence) about his actions with Cadence.

We talked about joint parenting when we finalize our divorce (yes that is my big hidden piece of info) but with this behavior I will lose control of my children so fast that I won't know where I will be standing most days!

I mean he even does this over simple things... but to me each time he does this it is a BIG deal!!! I am losing my mind. Kaleb is starting to become a little more uncontrollable each day. Kyle and Cadence don't listen to a thing I say. I am tired of having to raise my voice to them... I hate it!!!

No matter what I do... he goes back behind me and lets them do what they wanted to do, gives them what they wanted to eat, or whatever may be the case! I want to pull out my hair!!!!


Sunday, November 22, 2009

Is that a tree or are you just happy to see me?!?!?!

Ohhhh what a weekend!!! I sure do love the weekends. I know I do not work a regular 9 to 5 job where I get a paycheck every other Friday... but hey I love the weekend just as much as everyone else.... maybe even more!

Well, this weekend started off nice and slow. I spent Friday night with my MP3 player and a glass (well two glasses) of wine. It was a stressful day and well, I needed to relax. It was nice... I love to listen to music and the glass of wine was a nice addition! However, before the wine... I was singing along with the songs... and driving my Kyle insane! It was great fun! We had a blast in the kitchen that night!

Well, Saturday I got up and decided to do something for myself that I haven't done in a long time... I went tanning. Yes I know it is superficial and there are health risks involved... well I find it relaxing and enjoyable... and it is 15-20 minutes of alone time with silence... AHHHHH!!!!!

I came home to find that Tommy and Jeff (some friends) were next door at Jennie's (best friend and neighbor) talking about cutting down the one tree in her backyard. So we got prepared and we had a blast.... watching them cut it down. With the number of adults and the horde of children that Jennie and I have... clean up was pretty quick.

That night we had a pretty nice bon fire... Jennie drank a 6 pack of Smirnoff (all by herself... lush) and then a couple of Mike's Hard Lemonade. She was great! Fine for the longest time; then all of sudden she was completely off her rocker! Well, I had also rented what I think is one of the funniest movies ever... Observe and Report! Oh I already adore Seth Rogan...he is great! This movie is AWESOME!!!!!

Well.... today was time for day two of tree logging! Chris was able to talk Tommy into cutting down the BIG and I mean B I G tree in the backyard... next to the house... messing with the foundation. So we all got up... we got some coffee and donuts and were prepared to record (Jennie Jason and I) the event while they did all the work. It was pretty sweet.

Another day of clean up... my poor hands feel raw! My back is achy but overall I feel pretty damn good after doing some physical labor.

Well... while cranking the pulley thing that was pulling the tree we were cutting down we ran out of chain... so Jeff grabbed hold and started pulling it... and TIMBER.... the tree met the ground!

All I can say is I had a great weekend with my friends and my kids! well that is that... hope i didn't bore the hell out of you! ha ha ha

Friday, November 20, 2009

bored and blocked....

So... I have been battling with a severe case of writers block. It has been a painful one... because although I can't seem to find the words I want to write; the desire to write is still there and growing stronger everyday. It is like a super overload of wanting to write.

Well, today was a nice day. I decided to be a cool mom for today! Woke the kids up, got them ready for school and off they went. Kaleb and I decided to go out and about... I needed to get my inhalers refilled and do a little light shopping (had to get hair dye- :P). Then we went to get the little man's hair cut, he needed it. Then we were off to steal Cadence and Kyle from school... so we could go to lunch. It was great! They were so excited!!!

Well, last night was not a restful sleep for me. First Cadence started whining in her sleep, the started having nightmares. So, I was up and down checking on her, until she ended up in bed with me. Oh, but the fun didn't stop there. Next, it was Kaleb's turn... He too ended up in bed with me! So now that they are in bed with me, I thought I might get some sleep. Oh buddy, was I wrong! Wrong to the nth degree!!!! Well, the whining continued but the kicking and slapping began as well. Needless to say, my sad little self finally ended up asleep sometime around 4am. UGH!!!!!!

Well.... after lunch, we came home and I loaded a Spongebob Monopoly game on my laptop for Cadence to play. Cadence, Kaleb and I started to play... Kyle was engrossed in his own game in the kitchen. Poor Cadence and Kaleb... I fell asleep. In the middle of playing the game. So I exited that game and set it up for Cadence and Kaleb to continue to play on the living room floor next to the soft comfy couch that was calling my name.

I was so tired, I laid there and watched them play the game and realized I needed to get my butt in action, dinner needed to be made. Well... I still remained glued to the couch and started watching Dr. Phil... and it was about rude people... we all know rude people! ha ha ha!!!!

Well, finally I decided I wanted a glass of wine. I wanted one the other day... I think it is this old age thing I have going on. ha ha ha ha!!!I have been noticing that there are some things that I like, that I used to not like... so I really wanted that glass of wine!

So, I made dinner... I swear it was the smallest meatloaf ever made. Plus, I am a dork and burnt my thumb by thinking I can grab a hot pan with my bare hands. Then I ate my dinner... it was yummy! (I know this is great stuff! But I am trying to work through my block- bare with me!)

Well, I got my bottle of wine... and it is yummy! So now I am going to sit here, drink me some wine... hopefully, my friend will come over and have a glass with me! That was I do not drink alone... but don't bother me any.... after a rough week; a nice glass of wine can be greatly enjoyed!

So, my plan is to write... just write... there will be posts that are just as absolutely boring as this one... some may make NO sense what so ever... but bare with me until I can get past this damned block brain of mine... why can't I take that block and place it in front of things I would rather not think about.... That would be great!

Saturday, November 14, 2009

baking baking baking... I just looove baking... OH YEAH!!!!

I have been having my ups and downs lately! My downs are based on future sadness. Makes little sense doesn't it... but to me it makes complete and full sense.

As I have mentioned before I have upcoming events in my life that are yet to be released to the public... I know I know.... but there is reasoning behind my madness. Or at least it makes sense to me! Either way, straight forward information will not be coming from me.

These past two weekends have been the best weekends of my life. Well, have been great to say the least...maybe not the best of my life, but the best I have had in a long time. Last weekend it was really nice out... in Ohio that means around 65 degree weather... we were in t-shirts and my kids were in shorts (and the same goes for this weekend with the weather as well)!

Last weekend, we got to play on the tire swing in Jennie's (my next door neighbor best friend) backyard! Oh was it great fun! Aside from getting way too close to the tree.... I loved it! The kids loved it... it was great fun... and they are still playing with it!

Not only that but the kids and I played with Jennie and her crew all weekend! Friday night Jennie and went to Star Bucks... oh God do we have so much fun together! Then we were up all night playing Speed (the card game) cracking up laughing and just having a blast! Saturday was spent outside playing, ordering BW3, eating, watching movies, and unfortunately some cleaning. Well, while cleaning... I became very... terribly sad! I found some of the boys baby clothes that I had packed up... It was very hard for me! I cried looking through those clothes. Seeing little outfits my little men had worn when they were just so tiny and helpless. Just thinking of it is pulling at my heart strings! My kids are going 9-Kyle (10 in June); 5- Cadence (6 in February); and 3-Kaleb (4 in December). It is very hard... with the other two by the time they were 4 I had another new little baby! I don't this time! Do I want more kids... Ohhhhh, my God YES!!!! Yes, I do!

Well.... now that I am back... hahaha!!! Me and my tangents... geesh! Well the week went on with not much fun for me! For a day and a half... I had a migraine from hell trying to take over the world. I thought it was trying to kill me! Ugh! ( yes I love exclamation points!!!!!!)

Well, last night was Friday and I spent the evening with Jennie again.... Jason, Tommy PJ, Carissa... we all played Texas Hold 'em. Oh was it great fun!!! We had the time of our lives... Jennie trying to cheat, but she just couldn't she busted out laughing her ass off at one point, because she just couldn't go on cheating... She just blurts out I'm cheating... bah ha ha ha ha ha!!!! Oh we lost it!

We today, we got up and got ready... and Jennie, Jamie and I and our hordes of children went to White House Fruit Farm today! I love that place... and their beef jerky! (think I will eat some right now-ha ha ha!!!!)

Well, Jennie and I have been talking about making apple pies, pumpkin pies, and cookies for Christmas for a couple of weeks now. Well... today was the day! I was pumped... we went to White House... and we bought apples and we were going to bake!!!!

Well, it was just such a beautiful day... so we played outside today... until I became too hungry to do anything but think of food. I came into the house and started making some spaghetti for all 12 people... well then Jennie brought over some Andrew's sausage (good stuff) and we made, spaghetti, sausage, garlic bread.... and while making dinner Jamie suggested we make some brownie cookies too just to see what they were like! (we were looking thru my cookie cook book today) So we all were cooking.... thank goodness I have a decent sized kitchen!

Oh, was dinner great... and so were those brownie cookies! Well, Jennie and I rested a bit after shoveling tons of food in our faces; then we made some pie. Homemade crust.. Jamie peeled and cut most of the apples; mixed everything from scratch and baked us two apple pies. Ohhhh the aroma was AMAZING!!!!!

The parts of these past weekends that cause such pain and sadness for me are the parts that I enjoyed so greatly! I don't want those things to change. I want to be able to always do these things with Jennie, Jamie and my kids! I don't even want to imagine them not being possible!

Well, I have rambled on about little to nothing for long enough... I am going to eat me some PIE!!!!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Some updates

There are just so many things going on in my world right now that I am in complete brain overload. There are so many things I want to talk about but the majority of the are taboo at this point and some even only permitted to be thought and not verbalized.

It has been a while since I have been on here and I will just give you all an update on my world... until I am able to sort out the overabundance of chaos rushing through my brain.

Well, for starters... I found another old friend... and that made my day, which is always does!

October has come and gone... and it has been a full year since I had viral meningitis... the start to the year of sickness for me. Well... I didn't go unscathed this October either! Damnit!!! I was getting what I thought was some simple congestion maybe a chest cold. Turned out that the Thursday before Halloween, I was rushed to the ER. I have pleurisy, had an upper resp infection (thank God for antibiotics) and I had a severe asthma attack. The first one of my life.

I was diagnosed with asthma when I was about 25-26 years old. Used a fast attacking preventative albuterol inhaler as needed for wheezing... that was it for the past few years. Well, my symptoms have only progressed and my lungs I am guessing decided to turn their backs on me... I ended up gasping for air on my living room floor begging to go to the ER. Now when I say begging, at first the dork (to put it politely) I live with was like oh you aren't turning blue. I would have choked him out if I could have.

While gasping for some air, I would have to separate my words by syllables telling him can't breathe, pain, dizzy, can't feel hands or feet... Within minutes my hands and feet were BLUE! I couldn't walk I couldn't lift my head! I thought I was going to pass right now. I was crying and there was just so much pain!

Well, finally we get there.... I get some emergency treatments and can finally catch my breath. NOT FUN!!!! The whole next day my hands and arms (after having been deprived oxygen for way TOO long) were completely contorted. I looked like I had just suffered a stroke. I couldn't move them with out a tickled like pain! Not my best look! :)

Well, I had my follow up with the doctor yesterday and he said my lungs still sound really bad... I am now on a long term inhaler twice a day with the use of my fast attacking inhaler when necessary. OH SWEET JESUS!!! I CAN BREATHE!!!!!

Well, needless to say, after having bee released from the hospital last year... days later I was out trick or treating with my kids, you bet you ass I was out there with them this year. NO I do NOT have a death wish! But I am a devoted mama... and there are just some things I will NOT miss out on. Especially right now. (More to come on that another day!)

I did however have to miss out on Cadence's class Halloween party. For starters I couldn't breath, just got out of the ER at 3am the night before, and finally I had no control of my arms. Not a happy day for this mama!

Well, It is now November! Not far from Thanksgiving and Christmas soon to follow. Then before you know we will be waking up saying It's already 2010? WTF!!!! The end of the first grading period is coming up and I am looking forward to reports this year. I am getting them from 2 kids... that excites me for some reason! I love to acknowledge the great accomplishments of my children.

Unfortunately, I have terrible news as well. My step-mother's sister has lost her battle to cancer. My Aunt Carol was one of the most amazing women I have ever been blessed to know. She was soo full of life and love that I would be honored to have even a thimble full of the wonder she had! She will be greatly missed and forever loved while never forgotten!

I sometimes think of how she was an Angel of God sent here to share with us! I was reading through quotes last night (like I do most nights) and come across this one... I will share it with you!

A brief candle; both end burning
And endless mile; a bus wheel turning
A friend to share the lonesome times
A handshake and a sip of wine
So say it loud and let it ring
We are all apart of everything
The future, present and the past
Fly on proud bird, You're free at last..... Charlie Daniels