Sunday, October 11, 2009

We are family... sing it now!!!

Do you know what one of the greatest things that has ever come from my adult life is (outside of my 3 children)?

It is the on growing relationship that I have with my sister, Michelle. We have always been sisters... all 29 of my years, but there have been so many things between us that had kept us at such an awkward distance. Now, we are older and I could not imagine a day that I couldn't or wouldn't talk to her.

Here is some background....

My mother and her first husband preceded me with my two oldest siblings (Treva and Danny). My father and his first wife preceded me with my other two older siblings (Michelle and Christopher). Then my mother and father met. Their stories slightly different and with significant differences. Well, I was the product of the love they once shared. (later to me was my youngest sister Diana from my mother and two step brothers from my father's third marriage Michael and David... Corky to me... and two men I will always without hesitation call my brothers).

Well, shortly after my birth my parents married and then divorced by the time I was 2 years old. During their time together they graced this planet with my presence... ahahahahaha!!!

Well, after their divorce I slightly recall being a young child being able to see my father. Not sure what had happened.... that ceased to take place. Until a time when the courts set it up for visitation for me and my dad, and his required child support. During that time, my mother would tell me that my dad denied me as his daughter so I had to have a DNA test done. Well, part of me believed her, she is my mother after all. Well, then once that was all said and done, the courts had asked if I would like to have my proper last name. (then I was given the last name my mom had when she delivered me, which was the last name of her ex-husband) I was sooo super excited... I wanted nothing more at the time to be able to see my dad and share his last name.

I thought that by sharing the same last name as my father would bring him closer to me and make him not hate me anymore. My mother tried every avenue possible to get me to change my mind. Finally, she had succeeded (only for me to find out years later it was a lie- and evil lie) by telling me that my father and my sister, Michelle didn't want me to have the same last name as them. Well, telling an eleven/twelve year old that was devastating... I didn't change my last name!

As the time passed and I was starting to go to see my dad and that part of my family, I was super excited. However, my mother, not so much! Well, it turned out that every chance my mom had she would tell me that my dad had made other plans and didn't want to see me (a few years ago-I found out this side of the story) while telling my father that I didn't want to see them, I had made other plans. After I would cry and beg, she would eventually take me to his house... well, this would be hours after she told him I wasn't coming, so he usually wouldn't be there. This happened for about two years or so. Well, turned out I ended up stopping going to see my dad every other weekend. I was to the point that I was pretty sure that my dad and my sister wanted nothing to do with me. I mean my mother was telling me on an all too often basis.

Well, over the next couple of years, I would see them randomly. Well, it stunk! Being a teenager was enough, not easy at all! But to have your mother telling you that your father, his family, and your sister hate you.... doesn't make you want to see them every other weekend.

I tried here and there to bridge the gap, and at times it would go smoothly and at others quite awkwardly. I had started getting serious in a relationship and wanted to introduce him to my WHOLE family. Strangely, my bonds with my dad began to grow, and I thought that it was only that they liked the guy I was seeing.

Well years passed with more awkwardness and some serious trying...but oddly enough it took my sister, Michelle moving to Virginia to for us to get closer. Over the past several years, we have become so close. I can't imagine a day that I wouldn't be able to just pick up the phone to call her up or even the other way around.

I have the sister I have always wanted... and the thought just makes me smile!!!! We are currently planning her wedding. I am so excited and honored to be her matron of honor. I want to do her good, I want to make sure that she has everything she wants.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

howling at the moon

I love the moon and the stars. I could sit outside all night long and watch them as they travel along the sky. My favorite constellation is Orion. I could sit up all night long, warm or cold just to watch the sky.

I am not sure what it is. The calm serene simplicity of it all... maybe; probably. I can just stare and not think of anything else but the sky. I wish I had a better camera. I would have so many night shots, they may out weigh those of my kids... Doubt it (i would have to take pictures every night for the rest of my life to catch up to the number of pics I have of my kids).

I full of randomness. But lately I have been full of fear with a slight twinge of excitement. There have been occurrences in my life as of recently, that rock the boat. In a grand way though, an occurrence that will lead me down a path that I have been preparing for over an extended time.

The thought of it excites me, yet the consequences, not all, the main ones, terrify me. They keep me up at night, whenever everyone else in the house is sleeping. When the house is quiet and you can hear it speaking. The creaks and moans... the howling wind... the nuts from the tree dropping on the roof... every little noise. Those noises aren't what keep me up, those are the noises I have to turn to in order to shut out the constant vibrations of my on going thoughts bouncing off the insides of my head.

Tangent... You ever realize how your heart has the hardest time healing? It does. Once it has been shattered so many times, it is so hard to mend it properly. There will always be missing pieces. Usually the pieces are important ones.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Memories, like the corners of my mind....

So, today and yesterday my writing bug has been itching... With so much to say that can't be said (at least not yet) or just nothing to put words to. Tonight I was so unable to sleep, and as you see, I am still having problems going to sleep. Wide awake is not my friend... where was it earlier today.

In my basement is a box filled with some extremely amazing memories. Little trinkets from Homecomings and Proms, notes from ex's, birthday and graduation cards, poems, English papers, notes back and forth with friends, pictures... oh the pictures, newspaper clippings and so much more.

While looking through these things I just laughed and laughed and even a few times had some tears come to my eyes. Some sad but mostly happy tears!!!

I came across an old school newspaper that had an article discussing the Mock Trial I was lucky to take part in. I loved that moment in life. It was all apart of a plan I had for myself. I wanted to be a lawyer so bad during that time in my life. I can remember the dress/suit that I wore that day. I loved that article of clothing. I wanted to dress everyday as professional as I did that day. (wow, how life has it's own agenda)

A newspaper clipping of an ex boyfriend (who was a great friend my senior year) tackling an opponent in a local football game. Just reading is name, brought back memories of so many fun times with him. My first group movie date, having to take something from his pocket (the perv-hahaha), a straddingly evening at a friends house, learning he was going to be a teenage parent, spending fun many fun days in Chemistry class talking about Terrytown and how he was going to own the Steelers (yes, my love for the Steelers came from him)... Oh, Terrytown... just thinking about it makes me laugh out loud. Taking pictures with him and Dave and JoAnn after commencement. Him coming to my wedding and dancing with me telling me if my new husband ever hurt me, all I needed to do was call him. The memories pouring in.... We went to State!!! I miss him. He was great!

There was a notebook with Mickey Mouse on the cover... This was used during my graduation party for my guests to sign. I read all of the inscriptions from family and friends. Many if not more told me to never lose my smile and my happiness. Reading them, especially from those I don't speak to anymore (damn that life... people growing apart... blah) and remembered so many of the good times had with these people. I am smiling as I type and that makes for a happy heart.

There were programs from a production I was a part of, the cast photo... oh those were some great nights. Spending time with great people back stage and during rehearsals. Hahaha... playing cards in the hallway with friends. The super fun times had afterwards. Swimming at Courtney's... fitting like 13 people in a little Geo hatchback... oh goodness.

Going to my Freshman Homecoming with Leanne and Liz. That was one hell of a limo ride. Yes we got a limo... we were traveling in style that night. The pictures from that limo ride... We missed Amanda not being there... stinkin back surgery.

My fifth grade class picture was in there... oh my goodness! My mother must have had it out for me. The clothes she put me in.... hahahah! I was in some funky t-shirt and a ruffled jean skirt that clearly needed to be ironed and a pair of filthy as can be tennis shoes. If only I had a scanner to show you all these pictures. Among those pictures I came across one of me and my oldest brother, Danny (no matter how old he will get, I will always call him Danny). We were sitting in our kitchen from our old townhouse... That picture was my greatest find of the night.

These memories brought on thoughts of so many other memories that weren't connected to little trinkets in that box. Memories I have stored in my mind... Sleep overs, crushes, Halloween, the haunted hay ride and house, scavenger hunts, flat tires, ice skating, red hats, my 3 infamous questions, The Magic Twanger, (it's hotter than a 3 peckered goat back here), Handel's Ice Cream, Taco Bell, and Peaberry's. Yes, all of these have a special place in my mind and in my heart.

Sadly, I came across an old notebook that I used to write to God in. I was a mentally troubled teen. At least in my early teen years. During the time of being 13 to 15 I used to write so much... and it was all so sad. This notebook had about 3 or 4 entries (not sure what happened to cause me to stop writing to God). There was an entry where I expressed my desire to commit suicide. It was dated four months from the time that I had made my first and only attempt. It made me sad to think that I was so far into a state of depression. In that same post I asked God, "...when you see my pain surfacing take that pain and put the feeling of writing a story or something into me, and lift some of the burden off of my heart." That was 1994... I have been given a great gift from God to take my pain and other emotions and tell a story. I thanked God the moment I read that.

I also read many of my poems from my youth. Filled with feelings that I know I hadn't experienced yet in my short life. Feelings of despair, desertion, loneliness, fear, death, hatred, and a strong want and desire for love. I mean, there are feelings and words from those writings that I can relate to now... but then, not imaginable.

I also came across a poem I had to write for my Honors English class my senior year. This was and still is one of my most favorite pieces I have ever written.... here it is....


Through the darkness of the night
And the brightness of the sun
A young boy wonders mindlessly
His mind filled with confusion and fear
His eyes unable to read
His ability to cover his pain is weakening
Alone, away from the others
Not by physical being but by mental being
The way no one could ever understand
Hiding from his shadow
Hiding from the darkside
Unable to give into the hatred
Aware of the savagery around him
The insanity of the others
Makes him move further away
He can no longer deal with the savage of the others
He leads himself away
Away from himself and everyone else
The distance has become too far to cross
No hope for his survival
No hope for his rescue
No one able to save his soul
All alone dying
Away from his life, civilization
Turning inside out
Losing all will to want control
This boy wondering in silence
During the day
During the night
Alone with himself
Alone with nothing

Thursday, October 1, 2009

that aching urge to write

I swear there are days that I have a million and one things that I feel the need to write about. However, those days are when the blogs are long and detailed.... and there is only room for one topic a blog... I could probably fill several different blogs with the thoughts that soar through my mind on those days.

Then there are days like today! Days when I want to write but am completely blocked!!! So I think I will go on with some random things that have been going on....

The kids have been doing well in school. Cadence loves Kindergarten and even colored her teacher a picture of the two of them together. Kyle is doing well in school. I received his first progress report (they send them by email these days-awesome!!!)... there were only two classes listed, I should be receiving the other classes soon... however, he is getting an A in Science and a B in Social Studies. Kaleb is completely loving all the mommy and him time he gets and that he gets the XBox 360 and Wii all to himself all day long.

I have finally been feeling pretty good, I have even started exercising some. I do crunches everyday... may not be more than maybe 15 at a time, but I can pump out about 3 reps of that at the most. I have been walking (well only once on the trail) and have taken some bike rides... makes me excited that my puny ass is getting some exercise!

Super excited because I got to see the dress my sister, Michelle wants for the bridesmaids in her wedding for next October! Let that count down begin!!! So excited! I love the dress... it is so beautiful. I love the way I look in it too!!!!

Today I went with Carissa, Jennie, and another bridesmaid to see Carissa in her dress, it is beautiful... and look at some dresses for us maids. That was sooo funny! So, Jennie and I were running little late on our schedule... we got there saw Carissa and went hog wide searching thru their dresses. Then when we decided to try some on, we were informed there was 10 minutes left til the store closed. Oh... Jennie and I went on a mad dash to try on about 20 dressed in 10 minutes, with 3 kids running in and out of the dressing room we shared to go thru the dresses. Some were not flattering, some were hideous, and then we found the best one... It is beautiful!!!! So fingers crossed we will get that one.

Tomorrow I am planning on making this super delicious dinner that I have been wanting to make for 3 days now. I can't stop thinking about it! I want baked chicken, mashed potatoes, broccoli, corn, rice, biscuits, and the brownies for dessert! Oh you have no idea how much I want to eat this. I have had to make easier dinners for the past few nights due to things going on... and they have not been able to hit the craving... I have been eating like a crazed woman when night falls, but my tummy doesn't agree... I may not have been ill, but my tummy hasn't allowed my food to sit well.

The October Fest is this weekend. I love the October Fest!! I can't wait to go. Maybe I will buy something!

Well, I thinking I got the writing urge out of my system, although, I said outside of the updates on the kids, not of too much importance... Maybe I will write all my blogs on the day my brain is in over flow, but post them on different days. Also, I still need to hunt down my old poetry and some of my old writings from other times.
Night All!