Sunday, December 6, 2009

No matter what... I think the tween will always win!


I think I am going to have to be sent away to a camp that teaches parents how to deal with tweens. Now, that is a new term to me. But it is the ages from 8 to 12 years old. My Kyle is 9 1/2... going on being duct taped to the wall!

I just don't know when it happened. I am sure it was a gradual change, but I swear it just happened all of a sudden. He just woke up one morning and he had an entire attitude change... for the worse!

He is a back talker like no other... he will back talk a simple hello or good morning. He thinks he makes all the rules and he can do whatever it is he chooses to do. He believes that everything he wants he should be given to him right there on the spot. He also thinks that everthing that is in this house is his.

He came home from school the one day and I thought that there had to be a mistake! There was no one this was my son! He rolled his eyes at me... When I had asked him how his day was he told me OK... like he was a robot programmed to speak. Then when I questioned what he did at school... "I don't remember." What do you mean you don't remember, buddy? "it's called short term memory loss mom, geesh!" like a little smart mouth ass! It just got worse as the minutes passed by. He was a little jerk to me and even meaner to his lil brother!

Friday, December 4, 2009

Here's a little something to chew on....

So I have been thinking lately...shocker right... ha ha ha! Well, this has come to light with the increase in Christmas programs as well as watching Disney movies with the kids.

There is a study and debate over the increase in divorces over the past generation because of the "happily ever after" that Disney shows portray for girls to grow up with. The debate involved blaming the "happily ever after" endings to give girls the false impression that there is a Prince Charming and when you get married there will be a happy ending for all relationships; yet it is just setting up girls to grow up with ridiculous expectations.

Personally, I think that all people, women and men... should have great expectations for love and relationships. I also believe that the increase in divorces has a lot to do with the fact that women are no longer excepting defeat or expecting ridicule when they get divorced. Now what I mean by defeat is that when you are in an unhealthy marriage or have a cheating or abusive spouse (just to name a few issues that could occur) women (mainly) no longer feel they HAVE to stay married.

Well, those thoughts lead to why just blame Disney? I mean with the increase of Christmas movies I have seen over the past week, I have noticed just how happy the damned endings are. I mean... every holiday party has some mistletoe hanging where people meet and kiss and fall in love... blah blah blah! Um... I have never been to a Christmas or any other holiday party that involved mistletoe.

I watched this one movie, where this girl was so hard up for impressing her parents with a man... she kidnapped someone and took him to spend Christmas with her family. So after committing a crime and holding this man hostage for like a week or whatever... he falls in love with her. Doesn't press charges... calls off his engagement.... then finds his kidnapper and they live happily ever after!? Are you kidding me?!?!?!

I mean, come on! You can't blame one company for their happily ever afters... for starters they are freaking CARTOONS! without blaming all the damn happily ever after movies!

Those are my deep thoughts for the night!

Sunday, November 29, 2009

ugh blah grump

Do you know what if feels like to think about something so much that when you think about it anymore.... it just makes you sad?

Well.... I do! I am not a fan of it either!

It is no secret that I have been unhappily married for many many years now. I have been working towards getting divorced for so long.... and now it is finally here! Oh sweet Jesus, it is finally here! Well, not the finalization process but the fact that the father to my children has finally finally finally seen the light! He has finally come to terms with the fact that our marriage is not only a joke, but a negative cancer that has been slowly killing both of us; more so over the past few years.

A few months ago, I sat him down and told him for the 5th or 6th time ( you lose count after awhile) that I want a divorce... and that this time I am not letting him slink his way out of it! He looked at me and said, "I agree, what do you propose?" I thought I was going to die right there on the spot! I had not imagined those words ever crossing his mouth! I could have jumped up and done a jig!

Don't get me wrong, I am not an evil person. As many of you know I have been battling with a man who has cheated on me so many times, again I lost count; who doesn't not appreciate me as a person; or who doesn't work with me as a parent most of the time!

Well, we sat that night and made plans. Plans that I have been daydreaming about for so long! Thoughts that I had finally coming to a reality! Oh, it was making me giddy! So, over the past few months we are still working towards reaching these goals we have set for the dissolution of our marriage.

Well, I have gone so long wanting to be in a relationship with someone who loves me and that I love unyeildingly! I long for such a relationship! One where I can be with the one person who just makes me smile when I think of them!

I want to dance around for no reason, sit outside and watch it rain, dance/play/twirl/kiss in the rain... I want so many things!!!! I have been dreaming about them for so long now, that it makes me sad to think of them. I have waited for so long... and I know I only have a little while longer to wait before I can start my search... but I hate waiting! I can't take it anymore! I want to have someone look at me with that one certain look in their eyes! That looks that makes you feel so WOW!!!

I guess I will just never be happy! I make something to complain about everyday!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Are you flippin' kidding me?

This is all about me bitching and moaning... so if you don't want to read my venting, then stop here!

Today was like any other day! A calm day of house cleaning and cooking and spending time with the kids. Well, that is until this evening! Let me start where it may make some sense. As we all know, this week is Thanksgiving! That means the kids will be getting some time off of school. Tomorrow is their last day this week. They will be off for 5 days straight and are super excited!

Kyle, my oldest, has an Ohio History (Social Studies) test tomorrow. He has his book home and his study guide. Plus he had a homework page he had to finish. Well, It is all from the same book and all going to be a part of the test.

Kyle does NOT and I mean NOT like to read. In fact I am sure that is his least favorite thing of ALL time. Well, study usually... most always, involves reading. So did his homework. He was having no part of it. Every time he behaves like this - acting as though the world is going to end or his life will be over if he even attempts to read- I sit down and calmly (yes, calmly the first few times) tell him that all he needs to do is read the sections... or even just skim over them for the answers. Then I also went over his study guide with him and showed him everywhere he needed to look to study for the test!

Well, I had done this several times. About an hour and a half after he sat down and I first explained everything to him... having to tell him again wasn't coming out so calmly! I was starting to get upset. Well, for the one millionth time I told him that he needs to read the chapter and he will get the answers... and to go over the notebook that has the rest of the answers.

What happens next... Kyle begins to whine and complain! So what does his father do... the same thing that SOB (that stands for SON OF A BITCH!!!!!) does every time Kyle behaves this way over his homework.... Walks in there and does the homework for him. Gives him the answers and tells him how to write it!

NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES.... no matter how many times I sit that damned ass.... the other parent to my children.... down to talk to him about the importance of working TOGETHER as parents- his thick head doesn't allow the information to sink in!

There are just too many incidents of this behavior. Just this past weekend a family friend called him out on his behavior, this time with Kaleb (the youngest). I said something today (as well as just about every other day of my existence) about his actions with Cadence.

We talked about joint parenting when we finalize our divorce (yes that is my big hidden piece of info) but with this behavior I will lose control of my children so fast that I won't know where I will be standing most days!

I mean he even does this over simple things... but to me each time he does this it is a BIG deal!!! I am losing my mind. Kaleb is starting to become a little more uncontrollable each day. Kyle and Cadence don't listen to a thing I say. I am tired of having to raise my voice to them... I hate it!!!

No matter what I do... he goes back behind me and lets them do what they wanted to do, gives them what they wanted to eat, or whatever may be the case! I want to pull out my hair!!!!


Sunday, November 22, 2009

Is that a tree or are you just happy to see me?!?!?!

Ohhhh what a weekend!!! I sure do love the weekends. I know I do not work a regular 9 to 5 job where I get a paycheck every other Friday... but hey I love the weekend just as much as everyone else.... maybe even more!

Well, this weekend started off nice and slow. I spent Friday night with my MP3 player and a glass (well two glasses) of wine. It was a stressful day and well, I needed to relax. It was nice... I love to listen to music and the glass of wine was a nice addition! However, before the wine... I was singing along with the songs... and driving my Kyle insane! It was great fun! We had a blast in the kitchen that night!

Well, Saturday I got up and decided to do something for myself that I haven't done in a long time... I went tanning. Yes I know it is superficial and there are health risks involved... well I find it relaxing and enjoyable... and it is 15-20 minutes of alone time with silence... AHHHHH!!!!!

I came home to find that Tommy and Jeff (some friends) were next door at Jennie's (best friend and neighbor) talking about cutting down the one tree in her backyard. So we got prepared and we had a blast.... watching them cut it down. With the number of adults and the horde of children that Jennie and I have... clean up was pretty quick.

That night we had a pretty nice bon fire... Jennie drank a 6 pack of Smirnoff (all by herself... lush) and then a couple of Mike's Hard Lemonade. She was great! Fine for the longest time; then all of sudden she was completely off her rocker! Well, I had also rented what I think is one of the funniest movies ever... Observe and Report! Oh I already adore Seth Rogan...he is great! This movie is AWESOME!!!!!

Well.... today was time for day two of tree logging! Chris was able to talk Tommy into cutting down the BIG and I mean B I G tree in the backyard... next to the house... messing with the foundation. So we all got up... we got some coffee and donuts and were prepared to record (Jennie Jason and I) the event while they did all the work. It was pretty sweet.

Another day of clean up... my poor hands feel raw! My back is achy but overall I feel pretty damn good after doing some physical labor.

Well... while cranking the pulley thing that was pulling the tree we were cutting down we ran out of chain... so Jeff grabbed hold and started pulling it... and TIMBER.... the tree met the ground!

All I can say is I had a great weekend with my friends and my kids! well that is that... hope i didn't bore the hell out of you! ha ha ha

Friday, November 20, 2009

bored and blocked....

So... I have been battling with a severe case of writers block. It has been a painful one... because although I can't seem to find the words I want to write; the desire to write is still there and growing stronger everyday. It is like a super overload of wanting to write.

Well, today was a nice day. I decided to be a cool mom for today! Woke the kids up, got them ready for school and off they went. Kaleb and I decided to go out and about... I needed to get my inhalers refilled and do a little light shopping (had to get hair dye- :P). Then we went to get the little man's hair cut, he needed it. Then we were off to steal Cadence and Kyle from school... so we could go to lunch. It was great! They were so excited!!!

Well, last night was not a restful sleep for me. First Cadence started whining in her sleep, the started having nightmares. So, I was up and down checking on her, until she ended up in bed with me. Oh, but the fun didn't stop there. Next, it was Kaleb's turn... He too ended up in bed with me! So now that they are in bed with me, I thought I might get some sleep. Oh buddy, was I wrong! Wrong to the nth degree!!!! Well, the whining continued but the kicking and slapping began as well. Needless to say, my sad little self finally ended up asleep sometime around 4am. UGH!!!!!!

Well.... after lunch, we came home and I loaded a Spongebob Monopoly game on my laptop for Cadence to play. Cadence, Kaleb and I started to play... Kyle was engrossed in his own game in the kitchen. Poor Cadence and Kaleb... I fell asleep. In the middle of playing the game. So I exited that game and set it up for Cadence and Kaleb to continue to play on the living room floor next to the soft comfy couch that was calling my name.

I was so tired, I laid there and watched them play the game and realized I needed to get my butt in action, dinner needed to be made. Well... I still remained glued to the couch and started watching Dr. Phil... and it was about rude people... we all know rude people! ha ha ha!!!!

Well, finally I decided I wanted a glass of wine. I wanted one the other day... I think it is this old age thing I have going on. ha ha ha ha!!!I have been noticing that there are some things that I like, that I used to not like... so I really wanted that glass of wine!

So, I made dinner... I swear it was the smallest meatloaf ever made. Plus, I am a dork and burnt my thumb by thinking I can grab a hot pan with my bare hands. Then I ate my dinner... it was yummy! (I know this is great stuff! But I am trying to work through my block- bare with me!)

Well, I got my bottle of wine... and it is yummy! So now I am going to sit here, drink me some wine... hopefully, my friend will come over and have a glass with me! That was I do not drink alone... but don't bother me any.... after a rough week; a nice glass of wine can be greatly enjoyed!

So, my plan is to write... just write... there will be posts that are just as absolutely boring as this one... some may make NO sense what so ever... but bare with me until I can get past this damned block brain of mine... why can't I take that block and place it in front of things I would rather not think about.... That would be great!

Saturday, November 14, 2009

baking baking baking... I just looove baking... OH YEAH!!!!

I have been having my ups and downs lately! My downs are based on future sadness. Makes little sense doesn't it... but to me it makes complete and full sense.

As I have mentioned before I have upcoming events in my life that are yet to be released to the public... I know I know.... but there is reasoning behind my madness. Or at least it makes sense to me! Either way, straight forward information will not be coming from me.

These past two weekends have been the best weekends of my life. Well, have been great to say the least...maybe not the best of my life, but the best I have had in a long time. Last weekend it was really nice out... in Ohio that means around 65 degree weather... we were in t-shirts and my kids were in shorts (and the same goes for this weekend with the weather as well)!

Last weekend, we got to play on the tire swing in Jennie's (my next door neighbor best friend) backyard! Oh was it great fun! Aside from getting way too close to the tree.... I loved it! The kids loved it... it was great fun... and they are still playing with it!

Not only that but the kids and I played with Jennie and her crew all weekend! Friday night Jennie and went to Star Bucks... oh God do we have so much fun together! Then we were up all night playing Speed (the card game) cracking up laughing and just having a blast! Saturday was spent outside playing, ordering BW3, eating, watching movies, and unfortunately some cleaning. Well, while cleaning... I became very... terribly sad! I found some of the boys baby clothes that I had packed up... It was very hard for me! I cried looking through those clothes. Seeing little outfits my little men had worn when they were just so tiny and helpless. Just thinking of it is pulling at my heart strings! My kids are going 9-Kyle (10 in June); 5- Cadence (6 in February); and 3-Kaleb (4 in December). It is very hard... with the other two by the time they were 4 I had another new little baby! I don't this time! Do I want more kids... Ohhhhh, my God YES!!!! Yes, I do!

Well.... now that I am back... hahaha!!! Me and my tangents... geesh! Well the week went on with not much fun for me! For a day and a half... I had a migraine from hell trying to take over the world. I thought it was trying to kill me! Ugh! ( yes I love exclamation points!!!!!!)

Well, last night was Friday and I spent the evening with Jennie again.... Jason, Tommy PJ, Carissa... we all played Texas Hold 'em. Oh was it great fun!!! We had the time of our lives... Jennie trying to cheat, but she just couldn't she busted out laughing her ass off at one point, because she just couldn't go on cheating... She just blurts out I'm cheating... bah ha ha ha ha ha!!!! Oh we lost it!

We today, we got up and got ready... and Jennie, Jamie and I and our hordes of children went to White House Fruit Farm today! I love that place... and their beef jerky! (think I will eat some right now-ha ha ha!!!!)

Well, Jennie and I have been talking about making apple pies, pumpkin pies, and cookies for Christmas for a couple of weeks now. Well... today was the day! I was pumped... we went to White House... and we bought apples and we were going to bake!!!!

Well, it was just such a beautiful day... so we played outside today... until I became too hungry to do anything but think of food. I came into the house and started making some spaghetti for all 12 people... well then Jennie brought over some Andrew's sausage (good stuff) and we made, spaghetti, sausage, garlic bread.... and while making dinner Jamie suggested we make some brownie cookies too just to see what they were like! (we were looking thru my cookie cook book today) So we all were cooking.... thank goodness I have a decent sized kitchen!

Oh, was dinner great... and so were those brownie cookies! Well, Jennie and I rested a bit after shoveling tons of food in our faces; then we made some pie. Homemade crust.. Jamie peeled and cut most of the apples; mixed everything from scratch and baked us two apple pies. Ohhhh the aroma was AMAZING!!!!!

The parts of these past weekends that cause such pain and sadness for me are the parts that I enjoyed so greatly! I don't want those things to change. I want to be able to always do these things with Jennie, Jamie and my kids! I don't even want to imagine them not being possible!

Well, I have rambled on about little to nothing for long enough... I am going to eat me some PIE!!!!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Some updates

There are just so many things going on in my world right now that I am in complete brain overload. There are so many things I want to talk about but the majority of the are taboo at this point and some even only permitted to be thought and not verbalized.

It has been a while since I have been on here and I will just give you all an update on my world... until I am able to sort out the overabundance of chaos rushing through my brain.

Well, for starters... I found another old friend... and that made my day, which is always does!

October has come and gone... and it has been a full year since I had viral meningitis... the start to the year of sickness for me. Well... I didn't go unscathed this October either! Damnit!!! I was getting what I thought was some simple congestion maybe a chest cold. Turned out that the Thursday before Halloween, I was rushed to the ER. I have pleurisy, had an upper resp infection (thank God for antibiotics) and I had a severe asthma attack. The first one of my life.

I was diagnosed with asthma when I was about 25-26 years old. Used a fast attacking preventative albuterol inhaler as needed for wheezing... that was it for the past few years. Well, my symptoms have only progressed and my lungs I am guessing decided to turn their backs on me... I ended up gasping for air on my living room floor begging to go to the ER. Now when I say begging, at first the dork (to put it politely) I live with was like oh you aren't turning blue. I would have choked him out if I could have.

While gasping for some air, I would have to separate my words by syllables telling him can't breathe, pain, dizzy, can't feel hands or feet... Within minutes my hands and feet were BLUE! I couldn't walk I couldn't lift my head! I thought I was going to pass right now. I was crying and there was just so much pain!

Well, finally we get there.... I get some emergency treatments and can finally catch my breath. NOT FUN!!!! The whole next day my hands and arms (after having been deprived oxygen for way TOO long) were completely contorted. I looked like I had just suffered a stroke. I couldn't move them with out a tickled like pain! Not my best look! :)

Well, I had my follow up with the doctor yesterday and he said my lungs still sound really bad... I am now on a long term inhaler twice a day with the use of my fast attacking inhaler when necessary. OH SWEET JESUS!!! I CAN BREATHE!!!!!

Well, needless to say, after having bee released from the hospital last year... days later I was out trick or treating with my kids, you bet you ass I was out there with them this year. NO I do NOT have a death wish! But I am a devoted mama... and there are just some things I will NOT miss out on. Especially right now. (More to come on that another day!)

I did however have to miss out on Cadence's class Halloween party. For starters I couldn't breath, just got out of the ER at 3am the night before, and finally I had no control of my arms. Not a happy day for this mama!

Well, It is now November! Not far from Thanksgiving and Christmas soon to follow. Then before you know we will be waking up saying It's already 2010? WTF!!!! The end of the first grading period is coming up and I am looking forward to reports this year. I am getting them from 2 kids... that excites me for some reason! I love to acknowledge the great accomplishments of my children.

Unfortunately, I have terrible news as well. My step-mother's sister has lost her battle to cancer. My Aunt Carol was one of the most amazing women I have ever been blessed to know. She was soo full of life and love that I would be honored to have even a thimble full of the wonder she had! She will be greatly missed and forever loved while never forgotten!

I sometimes think of how she was an Angel of God sent here to share with us! I was reading through quotes last night (like I do most nights) and come across this one... I will share it with you!

A brief candle; both end burning
And endless mile; a bus wheel turning
A friend to share the lonesome times
A handshake and a sip of wine
So say it loud and let it ring
We are all apart of everything
The future, present and the past
Fly on proud bird, You're free at last..... Charlie Daniels

Sunday, October 11, 2009

We are family... sing it now!!!

Do you know what one of the greatest things that has ever come from my adult life is (outside of my 3 children)?

It is the on growing relationship that I have with my sister, Michelle. We have always been sisters... all 29 of my years, but there have been so many things between us that had kept us at such an awkward distance. Now, we are older and I could not imagine a day that I couldn't or wouldn't talk to her.

Here is some background....

My mother and her first husband preceded me with my two oldest siblings (Treva and Danny). My father and his first wife preceded me with my other two older siblings (Michelle and Christopher). Then my mother and father met. Their stories slightly different and with significant differences. Well, I was the product of the love they once shared. (later to me was my youngest sister Diana from my mother and two step brothers from my father's third marriage Michael and David... Corky to me... and two men I will always without hesitation call my brothers).

Well, shortly after my birth my parents married and then divorced by the time I was 2 years old. During their time together they graced this planet with my presence... ahahahahaha!!!

Well, after their divorce I slightly recall being a young child being able to see my father. Not sure what had happened.... that ceased to take place. Until a time when the courts set it up for visitation for me and my dad, and his required child support. During that time, my mother would tell me that my dad denied me as his daughter so I had to have a DNA test done. Well, part of me believed her, she is my mother after all. Well, then once that was all said and done, the courts had asked if I would like to have my proper last name. (then I was given the last name my mom had when she delivered me, which was the last name of her ex-husband) I was sooo super excited... I wanted nothing more at the time to be able to see my dad and share his last name.

I thought that by sharing the same last name as my father would bring him closer to me and make him not hate me anymore. My mother tried every avenue possible to get me to change my mind. Finally, she had succeeded (only for me to find out years later it was a lie- and evil lie) by telling me that my father and my sister, Michelle didn't want me to have the same last name as them. Well, telling an eleven/twelve year old that was devastating... I didn't change my last name!

As the time passed and I was starting to go to see my dad and that part of my family, I was super excited. However, my mother, not so much! Well, it turned out that every chance my mom had she would tell me that my dad had made other plans and didn't want to see me (a few years ago-I found out this side of the story) while telling my father that I didn't want to see them, I had made other plans. After I would cry and beg, she would eventually take me to his house... well, this would be hours after she told him I wasn't coming, so he usually wouldn't be there. This happened for about two years or so. Well, turned out I ended up stopping going to see my dad every other weekend. I was to the point that I was pretty sure that my dad and my sister wanted nothing to do with me. I mean my mother was telling me on an all too often basis.

Well, over the next couple of years, I would see them randomly. Well, it stunk! Being a teenager was enough, not easy at all! But to have your mother telling you that your father, his family, and your sister hate you.... doesn't make you want to see them every other weekend.

I tried here and there to bridge the gap, and at times it would go smoothly and at others quite awkwardly. I had started getting serious in a relationship and wanted to introduce him to my WHOLE family. Strangely, my bonds with my dad began to grow, and I thought that it was only that they liked the guy I was seeing.

Well years passed with more awkwardness and some serious trying...but oddly enough it took my sister, Michelle moving to Virginia to for us to get closer. Over the past several years, we have become so close. I can't imagine a day that I wouldn't be able to just pick up the phone to call her up or even the other way around.

I have the sister I have always wanted... and the thought just makes me smile!!!! We are currently planning her wedding. I am so excited and honored to be her matron of honor. I want to do her good, I want to make sure that she has everything she wants.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

howling at the moon

I love the moon and the stars. I could sit outside all night long and watch them as they travel along the sky. My favorite constellation is Orion. I could sit up all night long, warm or cold just to watch the sky.

I am not sure what it is. The calm serene simplicity of it all... maybe; probably. I can just stare and not think of anything else but the sky. I wish I had a better camera. I would have so many night shots, they may out weigh those of my kids... Doubt it (i would have to take pictures every night for the rest of my life to catch up to the number of pics I have of my kids).

I full of randomness. But lately I have been full of fear with a slight twinge of excitement. There have been occurrences in my life as of recently, that rock the boat. In a grand way though, an occurrence that will lead me down a path that I have been preparing for over an extended time.

The thought of it excites me, yet the consequences, not all, the main ones, terrify me. They keep me up at night, whenever everyone else in the house is sleeping. When the house is quiet and you can hear it speaking. The creaks and moans... the howling wind... the nuts from the tree dropping on the roof... every little noise. Those noises aren't what keep me up, those are the noises I have to turn to in order to shut out the constant vibrations of my on going thoughts bouncing off the insides of my head.

Tangent... You ever realize how your heart has the hardest time healing? It does. Once it has been shattered so many times, it is so hard to mend it properly. There will always be missing pieces. Usually the pieces are important ones.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Memories, like the corners of my mind....

So, today and yesterday my writing bug has been itching... With so much to say that can't be said (at least not yet) or just nothing to put words to. Tonight I was so unable to sleep, and as you see, I am still having problems going to sleep. Wide awake is not my friend... where was it earlier today.

In my basement is a box filled with some extremely amazing memories. Little trinkets from Homecomings and Proms, notes from ex's, birthday and graduation cards, poems, English papers, notes back and forth with friends, pictures... oh the pictures, newspaper clippings and so much more.

While looking through these things I just laughed and laughed and even a few times had some tears come to my eyes. Some sad but mostly happy tears!!!

I came across an old school newspaper that had an article discussing the Mock Trial I was lucky to take part in. I loved that moment in life. It was all apart of a plan I had for myself. I wanted to be a lawyer so bad during that time in my life. I can remember the dress/suit that I wore that day. I loved that article of clothing. I wanted to dress everyday as professional as I did that day. (wow, how life has it's own agenda)

A newspaper clipping of an ex boyfriend (who was a great friend my senior year) tackling an opponent in a local football game. Just reading is name, brought back memories of so many fun times with him. My first group movie date, having to take something from his pocket (the perv-hahaha), a straddingly evening at a friends house, learning he was going to be a teenage parent, spending fun many fun days in Chemistry class talking about Terrytown and how he was going to own the Steelers (yes, my love for the Steelers came from him)... Oh, Terrytown... just thinking about it makes me laugh out loud. Taking pictures with him and Dave and JoAnn after commencement. Him coming to my wedding and dancing with me telling me if my new husband ever hurt me, all I needed to do was call him. The memories pouring in.... We went to State!!! I miss him. He was great!

There was a notebook with Mickey Mouse on the cover... This was used during my graduation party for my guests to sign. I read all of the inscriptions from family and friends. Many if not more told me to never lose my smile and my happiness. Reading them, especially from those I don't speak to anymore (damn that life... people growing apart... blah) and remembered so many of the good times had with these people. I am smiling as I type and that makes for a happy heart.

There were programs from a production I was a part of, the cast photo... oh those were some great nights. Spending time with great people back stage and during rehearsals. Hahaha... playing cards in the hallway with friends. The super fun times had afterwards. Swimming at Courtney's... fitting like 13 people in a little Geo hatchback... oh goodness.

Going to my Freshman Homecoming with Leanne and Liz. That was one hell of a limo ride. Yes we got a limo... we were traveling in style that night. The pictures from that limo ride... We missed Amanda not being there... stinkin back surgery.

My fifth grade class picture was in there... oh my goodness! My mother must have had it out for me. The clothes she put me in.... hahahah! I was in some funky t-shirt and a ruffled jean skirt that clearly needed to be ironed and a pair of filthy as can be tennis shoes. If only I had a scanner to show you all these pictures. Among those pictures I came across one of me and my oldest brother, Danny (no matter how old he will get, I will always call him Danny). We were sitting in our kitchen from our old townhouse... That picture was my greatest find of the night.

These memories brought on thoughts of so many other memories that weren't connected to little trinkets in that box. Memories I have stored in my mind... Sleep overs, crushes, Halloween, the haunted hay ride and house, scavenger hunts, flat tires, ice skating, red hats, my 3 infamous questions, The Magic Twanger, (it's hotter than a 3 peckered goat back here), Handel's Ice Cream, Taco Bell, and Peaberry's. Yes, all of these have a special place in my mind and in my heart.

Sadly, I came across an old notebook that I used to write to God in. I was a mentally troubled teen. At least in my early teen years. During the time of being 13 to 15 I used to write so much... and it was all so sad. This notebook had about 3 or 4 entries (not sure what happened to cause me to stop writing to God). There was an entry where I expressed my desire to commit suicide. It was dated four months from the time that I had made my first and only attempt. It made me sad to think that I was so far into a state of depression. In that same post I asked God, "...when you see my pain surfacing take that pain and put the feeling of writing a story or something into me, and lift some of the burden off of my heart." That was 1994... I have been given a great gift from God to take my pain and other emotions and tell a story. I thanked God the moment I read that.

I also read many of my poems from my youth. Filled with feelings that I know I hadn't experienced yet in my short life. Feelings of despair, desertion, loneliness, fear, death, hatred, and a strong want and desire for love. I mean, there are feelings and words from those writings that I can relate to now... but then, not imaginable.

I also came across a poem I had to write for my Honors English class my senior year. This was and still is one of my most favorite pieces I have ever written.... here it is....


Through the darkness of the night
And the brightness of the sun
A young boy wonders mindlessly
His mind filled with confusion and fear
His eyes unable to read
His ability to cover his pain is weakening
Alone, away from the others
Not by physical being but by mental being
The way no one could ever understand
Hiding from his shadow
Hiding from the darkside
Unable to give into the hatred
Aware of the savagery around him
The insanity of the others
Makes him move further away
He can no longer deal with the savage of the others
He leads himself away
Away from himself and everyone else
The distance has become too far to cross
No hope for his survival
No hope for his rescue
No one able to save his soul
All alone dying
Away from his life, civilization
Turning inside out
Losing all will to want control
This boy wondering in silence
During the day
During the night
Alone with himself
Alone with nothing

Thursday, October 1, 2009

that aching urge to write

I swear there are days that I have a million and one things that I feel the need to write about. However, those days are when the blogs are long and detailed.... and there is only room for one topic a blog... I could probably fill several different blogs with the thoughts that soar through my mind on those days.

Then there are days like today! Days when I want to write but am completely blocked!!! So I think I will go on with some random things that have been going on....

The kids have been doing well in school. Cadence loves Kindergarten and even colored her teacher a picture of the two of them together. Kyle is doing well in school. I received his first progress report (they send them by email these days-awesome!!!)... there were only two classes listed, I should be receiving the other classes soon... however, he is getting an A in Science and a B in Social Studies. Kaleb is completely loving all the mommy and him time he gets and that he gets the XBox 360 and Wii all to himself all day long.

I have finally been feeling pretty good, I have even started exercising some. I do crunches everyday... may not be more than maybe 15 at a time, but I can pump out about 3 reps of that at the most. I have been walking (well only once on the trail) and have taken some bike rides... makes me excited that my puny ass is getting some exercise!

Super excited because I got to see the dress my sister, Michelle wants for the bridesmaids in her wedding for next October! Let that count down begin!!! So excited! I love the dress... it is so beautiful. I love the way I look in it too!!!!

Today I went with Carissa, Jennie, and another bridesmaid to see Carissa in her dress, it is beautiful... and look at some dresses for us maids. That was sooo funny! So, Jennie and I were running little late on our schedule... we got there saw Carissa and went hog wide searching thru their dresses. Then when we decided to try some on, we were informed there was 10 minutes left til the store closed. Oh... Jennie and I went on a mad dash to try on about 20 dressed in 10 minutes, with 3 kids running in and out of the dressing room we shared to go thru the dresses. Some were not flattering, some were hideous, and then we found the best one... It is beautiful!!!! So fingers crossed we will get that one.

Tomorrow I am planning on making this super delicious dinner that I have been wanting to make for 3 days now. I can't stop thinking about it! I want baked chicken, mashed potatoes, broccoli, corn, rice, biscuits, and the brownies for dessert! Oh you have no idea how much I want to eat this. I have had to make easier dinners for the past few nights due to things going on... and they have not been able to hit the craving... I have been eating like a crazed woman when night falls, but my tummy doesn't agree... I may not have been ill, but my tummy hasn't allowed my food to sit well.

The October Fest is this weekend. I love the October Fest!! I can't wait to go. Maybe I will buy something!

Well, I thinking I got the writing urge out of my system, although, I said outside of the updates on the kids, not of too much importance... Maybe I will write all my blogs on the day my brain is in over flow, but post them on different days. Also, I still need to hunt down my old poetry and some of my old writings from other times.
Night All!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

One day at a time or all at once????

Live one day at a time.... Easier said than done!

We live in a world where we are so fast paced that EVERYTHING we do is done hurried so we can get on to the next thing. This effects everything we do... Watching television, talking, working, driving, reading... everything!!!

Sit back and think about it... really think about it. Oh, wait there may not be time allotted in your day to sit and think today. I know I am thrilled that I am one hell of a multi-tasker. With out that little quirk, I wouldn't be able to think at all!

The growth in technology is absolutely amazing. The innovation is simply astounding. Yet, I am concerned with it. My concerns are valid and make a simple and clear point. Technology, although a great invention, has began to make the human race take steps back in evolution.

Something as simple as speaking to another person has become so hurried that we have "dumbed" down our English language. We went from formal hellos and goodbyes to guttural grunts made to sound like words.

EX: (as I am sure you want to know) Hello, how are you? It's great to see you. You look wonderful! What have you been doing these days? has been degraded to Sup? with a head nod

Writing letters has been becoming a dying art. When was the last time you hand wrote a letter to someone? I am not putting down emails in any way... I am an emailing junkie... and it if it weren't for the Internet, I would be a hermit that never keeps in touch with her friends. What I wonder is what happened to the way of speaking to someone without sounding like a caveman or uneducated boob?? I am not playing the "not me" card... I am just as guilty.

While technology continues to grow, our simple brains aren't. Let's take a look at texting.

"Hello, my name is Amanda. I am a texting-oholic! I can't go a day without texting and when I didn't have my phone for a couple of months, I went through a pretty bad withdraw."

Now, texting is a great thing. It was once described to me as the prefect way to have a conversation, especially with someone you Don't want to talk to. You can give simple responses without being asked what's with the tone? And when you just don't have anything else to say or just really don't care to reply you just stop texting responses. All so true... You know it, don't deny it! We have all done that! I am guilty!!! hehehehe

Well, my problem with texting is that we as a society have made life run so quickly that the 24 hours in a day just aren't enough to get everything done that we wish to accomplish. I am sure many of us would admit to thinking that if there was a way to not have to sleep I would do it. Well, the dangers of texting are great... WHEN driving!

I was once guilty of the task. Because there just isn't enough time in my day to do everything I needed to without texting to someone while driving. Well, I have seen enough PSA's and news reports on the accidents because someone was texting while driving and not paying one damned bit of attention to the road. (yes, drunk driving is just as dangerous- I am not talking about that right now though)

That is where I believe that we are losing are ability to use common sense. Creating a stupid person... once you lose common sense... well there is no hope!

Making sure that we beat the clock is something we have been programed to do... where did taking your time to make sure you are doing something right and well go??? Everyone and everything has a deadline. I have to finish this article in order to be the first to have completed this story. I have to make sure these cars are shipped out on this date so we are first on the line. I have plans that weekend, so can we schedule an UNNECESSARY c-section to deliver my baby early so it doesn't intrude on my life?

Each of the above mentioned acts have occurred in our society... without the thought of making sure that all the information provided is accurate, ensuring the quality of the product is safe, and using the common sense of making sure your health is not being endangered. But the way we have adapted is to make excuses stating... well I will post a correction to follow if my article is misinforming, we will do a recall on the messed up cars- sorry your breaks don't work... or well, that is what doctors are for. Forget that you have just lost most if not all of your reputation in what you do from that point on.

There are so many things that we just keep passing by. The smile and light conversation with an old friend on the street- replacing it with a head nod and a grunt. The growth of our children because we have so many other things we feel NEED to be done.

By the way we are living we want to know everything that is coming our way. There is no time for us to sit back and just live life one day at a time. We want all the information in front of us RIGHT NOW!!!! (that was me jumping up and down stomping my feet- my virtual fissy fit!)

I was thinking today that I don't let myself live one day at a time... but I am damned if that is how I will continue my life... there is too much stress involved. I try to plan it all out.. that is impossible... just to think that this is how this is going to go... playing out each and every move you will make, if someone says this or does that... then I will react this way or say this in response... making your mind go in a million tangents all at once, while not even coming close to what will actually take place at the actual time of acting...having stressed for no reason at all... and then still having to come up with your reactions and responses.

Life is here to be experienced... not just rushed through. At least these are just my randomly random thoughts on the subject... What are yours? (or do you not have the time to think about it?)

Thursday, September 24, 2009

The start to new beginnings...

I have often referred to one's life as a book. As we know, many books contain chapters... life contains chapters. Each chapter is the start of a new portion of the story. Also, with each chapter, a part of the previous chapters storyline follows into the new chapters. I feel that this is all too similar to one's life.

With every new addition to life, a new chapter is created... bringing over things from the past to be carried on into the future. Each chapter contains it's own story while still inter-mingling with parts of previous story lines.

I have also, often thought about a person's life as a series of books. Each major event ends one book to begin a new one... all within the same story. Depending on how you look at it, I am somewhere in the middle of my series. I will beginning a new book. I will be starting with some new beginnings.

The adventures that lay ahead are terrifying and exciting all in the same breath. They are many and huge. Yet, all worth it!

My vagueness is not by accident. The privacy of my new book is being withheld until a later date... the date of release. The journey will be dictated and transcribed... but with only the details available at the time.

I must say that I am welcoming the start to my new beginnings.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Autumn is here...

Well, today started out as a cloudy September morning. I had decided last night that I wanted to take Kaleb for a walk on the Mill Creek Bike Trail, near my house. So, after I got Kyle and then Cadence on the bus I was going to get him ready to go for a nice morning walk. Well, my body had other plans and asked for a little more rest before we started the day.

After a little rest and some straightening up around the house, Kaleb and I got ready to hit the road. I was fully expecting the rain to come monsooning down on our heads, the moment we hit the trail; however God was shining down on us today! No rain!!!

Well, my poor legs went through some torture of bike riding yesterday... Oh that was too much. Not the bike ride but the attempt to walk down my basement steps after the bike ride. Oh, it would have been a sight to see. My legs were so rubbery that while going down the steps it was as if they were running ahead of the rest of my body. I couldn't keep up with them. It was priceless. I ended up making it down the death trap of steps with the rubber legs.... I so thought I was going to end up face first on the floor at the bottom of the steps... would not have been pretty either. Well, I was able to catch myself and take a sit for a moment before I risked walking the four or five steps to the laundry room. Well, I was good, I took my time hoping that the walking back up the steps wouldn't be as interesting as the trek down them. Well, with laundry basket in hand, I was ready to make the move... Oh going back up was just as hard as the walk down. I swear never again will I do that!!!

Ok, done with the tangent.

We make our way to the bike trail, it is only about a minute drive from my house. We got there and unloaded the stroller and all the things Kaleb "had" to have for our little stroll on the trail.

The weather was PREFECT for a nice stroll.... and we were off. My goodness, the first few minutes were just calm and collected... I had one ear phone in so I could listen to some music and still be able to hear all that was going on around me, including Kaleb.

The sun started to shine brighter and the humidity was getting a little out of hand, but the air that I was breathing was so mmmmmmm.... It was the smell of Fall.

The sweet first smell of Autumn is the most amazing scent I could ever experience. It was that combination of apple trees, wet leaves, and the linger on an oncoming rain storm. I had to turn off my music. I wanted to take it all in, NOT just the smell, NOT just the sight, I needed it all! I wanted to be overwhelmed by the magnificence of it all.

The wind blowing through the trees, rustling the leaves all around, the babbling of a little brook, the chirping of birds, and the squeaking of the insects. Seeing the leaves float around with the wind, the Autumn flowers swaying, and soft sweet breeze cooling the back of my neck bringing in the delicious aroma of Autumn.

The invigorating aroma and the relaxed state I was in from the walk has set my mood to be so calm! I love it! The Autumn is my all time favorite season!!!!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Some quotes... just love quotes!

Well, this morning started off very well. I am thrilled about that. I am tired of being so down in the dumps so often. I want so much more out of life. So much more!!!!! I want to do things!!!

Yet, I know that I am the one that holds myself back. Fear is a nasty thing! It grabs hold of your ankles and keep pulling you back even when you right on the brink of grabbing that ledge you know that if you grab, you will be alright... Damn that ledge is just in sight and just out of reach!

So a few blogs back I mentioned a quote that really speaks volumes to a person like me. The kind of person who stands still and doesn't move but her eyes to look around as life just keeps zooming by, while she just collects dust! UGH! Well, today I came across some quotes that I REALLY like.

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning. By Albert Einstein

Live life fully while you're here. Experience everything. Take care of yourself and your friends. Have fun, be crazy, be weird. Go out and screw up! You're going to anyway, so you might as well enjoy the process. Take the opportunity it learn from your mistakes; find the cause of your problem and eliminate it. Don't try to be prefect, just be an excellent example of being human. By Anthony Robbins

One day at a time -- this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future; for it has not yet come. Live in the present and make so beautiful it will be worth remembering. Author Unknown

There is in the worst of fortune the best of chances for a happy ending. By Euripides

Do just once what others say you can't do, and you will never pat attention to their limitations again. By James R. Cook

Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." By Charles M. Schultz

Well, those are some of the ones I just truly love! All inspiring and motivating.

Monday, September 21, 2009

25 Firsts...

1. Who was your first prom date? Well, that would be Jason. He was also the person I happened to marry. We went to my Junior Prom, however he wasn't the first person who asked me to a prom, but my mom wouldn't let me go before then.

2. Do you still talk to your first love? No. I haven't talked to him in a couple of years. We had reconnected a few years back on MySpace.... but that was short lived too.

3. What was your first alcoholic drink? Oh goodness. I would have to say that it was some little airplane type bottles of alcohol. I was at my friend Jen's house for one of the New Years... I am guessing it was becoming 1994 or 1995. We had our friend Courtney with us as well. We drank a couple of those bottles and then filled them with some of the alcohol from her parents stash... we were sliding down small little snow hills in the neighbors yard in the middle of the night.

4. What was your first job? I started working at Handel's Ice Cream when I was 15. It was great fun. I loved working there. But sadly that was the start of when I had to start buying all my own things.... I mean come on working 15 hours a week during the summer, wasn't going to get me thru the year.

5. What was your first car? 1983 Oldsmobile Reliant. That thing was beat to hell. Oh, the potholes that jumped out in front of me and the curbs that tried to trip me up. The transmission was a POS and it was what taught me how to listen for certain sounds; that to this day I can tell when the car has a problem with the transmission over anything else.

6. Who was the first person to text you today? That would be my sister in law Tibi, to tell me about leaving Kyle's shoes at her house over the weekend.

7. Who was the first person you thought of this morning? Kaleb, because the little turd woke up at 3:30 this morning and didn't go back to sleep until after 9am. Not too happy about that one!

8. Who was your first grade teacher? Mrs. Pecillo..... I hated her!!!!

9. Where did you go on your first flight, in an airplane.... No where. I have never flown.

10. Who was your first best friend and do you still talk? Tracie Z. Well, we kind of keep in touch through FaceBook. We are around.

11. Where was your first sleep over? I think at this girl Nicole's house. I ended up calling my mom and going home in the middle of the night.

12. Who was the first person to talked to today? That would be Kaleb again, since we were the only two awake so damned early.

13. Whose wedding were you in for the first time? Well, I was dubbed a flower girl for my sister Treva's wedding, but I only got dressed up for a reception after they got married in Hawaii. Although, after that I was a bridesmaid in my brother's wedding.

14. What was the first thing you did this morning? Started praying to please let Kaleb go to sleep so that I can go to sleep.

15. What was the, first concert you went to? That would be a Boys 2 Men concert in 1994. Oh the concert was fun... but the drive home was the best... Jen screaming about having to go pee so bad that she was pointing out the red port a potty in a construction zone on the side of the freeway.

16. First Tattoo? Still in the making in my head. I am going to get one, one of these days... just figuring out what it is that I really want. I do know where I want it... around the ankle and on the top of my foot.... or just around the ankle.... but I am coming up with what I want.

17. First piercing? That would be my ears. I had little yellow birdies.

18. First foreign country you went to? Went to Canada.... I believe Jason and I had went there for some reason or another.... It was awesome! I loved it!!!

19. First movie you remember seeing? I have no clue, but the movie that pops into my head is All I Want For Christmas. My mom took me and a friend to see it. It was a cute movie. Every time I see it these days, it reminds me of when I went to the movies with my mom.

20. What state you lived in? That would be where I was born... Ohio!

21. Who was your first roommate? Well other than my mom... that would be Jason.

22. When was your first detention? I want to say it was either my freshman or sophomore year... I was giggling in study hall. It was my birthday and a friend of mine brought me a gift and she gave it to me in study hall. I opened it and got scowled at for the wrapping paper noises... then when I was giggling about something with my friend the nasty study hall wench gave me detention. Well.... I didn't end up going, being the defiant ass I was then.... Turns out that when you don't go, then the days just start to double. I ended up getting 24 detentions extra... but couldn't serve in the afternoon.... so that turned them into 48 detentions for the morning.... So then I went twice and never had to go again....because the detention principal was a dirty perv.

23. When was your first kiss? I was 14... After I had walked home to my friend Amanda's house... we walked home with my boyfriend, Nick, at the time. We got to her backyard and we were sitting on the back porch. Well, he just walked up to me and kissed me. It was the sloppiest wettest most disgusting thing ever. I never wanted to do it again. But he kept kissing me. I so thought I would need a bib.

24. What is one thing you would learn, if given the chance? I would want to learn multiple languages. I think that would be the greatest thing ever!!!!

25. Who will be the next to post this.... I say Melinda from Just Me.

some afternoon dream interpretation

Well, last night I just couldn't sleep. I just couldn't there was nothing more I could about it than just lay in bed with eyes wide open, praying for some sleep. Well, Kaleb had woke up at around 3:30 am and was wide awake and ready for the day. I laid with him while he watched cartoons. I think I dozed for about 45 mins at the most before I got up to get Kyle ready for school. Well, Kaleb was still up and while I laid down to try to rest my eyes the hour before I had to get Cadence up to get ready for school he watched more cartoons... no rest for me. Well, about 9ish this morning, he conked out.. THANK YOU GOD!!!!

I was able to sneak in about an hour of sleep. During that hour, I would have loved for a completely blank brain... HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Did I really think that was going to happen? That would be the day. Well, in that short time, I had dreamt. My dream was me completely in the dark... there was just darkness all around me. I wasn't completely calm, but I had the sad feeling of completely being alone.

I am one who has to know what my dreams mean. I mean, there has to be a reason why my brain creates some of the images that it does. This one was just unsettling. Not something I like to carry around with me all day. So, I went to the web and to a site that I often use to figure out my wacko dream.

The darkness and being lost in it denotes a sense of desperation and depression or insecurity.

The feeling of being lost suggests that I have lost direction in my life or I have lost sight of my goals. That I may be feeling insecure (there is that word again) about the path I am taking with my life.

The feeling of being alone indicates the feeling of rejection, as if no one understands me.

Well, I am aware of these things and can do without them in my dreams. But apparently my body it telling me that there is only so much more it can take before it decides to cease working for me.

I decided to do some research today.... I am looking towards the goal at hand... and I will not falter. I can not falter. I must keep moving... I can't be alone in the dark lost.... I just can't!

Saturday, September 19, 2009

doesn't make much sense, but oh well

Today.... hmmm.... I have so much to say so there may be just some crazy jumping around... may not make much sense at times, but really do I often make sense?

I think I have really come to terms with why I am the way I am... NOT!!!!! I have realized that I DO know that I am capable to doing what I want to do. That I AM capable of being who I want to be. That there IS hope out there that I can be truly and insanely happy.

I know I have what it takes to do what needs to be done... but I am still pondering over why in the hell I am standing still. It makes me angry. GRRRRR!!!!

I spent some time with some great people today. People that I have grown to love and adore. People that I would hate to not have in my life. Maybe that is a reason why I stand still... because I fear they will not follow me.

The first part of this blog started on Saturday... it is now Sunday and I have really realized somethings.... Things I don't think I have ever allowed myself to think before. Things that just terrify me to think. I have so many great friends and family. I am afraid of how they will be when I start walking again. I was told today, that if they don't follow, then they weren't worth it to begin with.

Have you ever seen the TV show, Wipeout?? There is this thing on there called the motivator... I need one of those to give me my push forward.

late night ramblings of the rambler

Life is such a funny thing. Yeah, I said it. I have gone back and forth between believing in fate. It comes and goes on whether I do or do not believe in this four letter word.

I used to believe that there was a plan set out for each person that has been created in this world. Not that each step has been planned out, but each fork in the road will always be there, waiting for the individual to come to it, to make a decision and then there is a set life to go from there, with more up and coming forks to cross. I have recently lost sight in this. I mean, I understand that we are designed to make our own choices, but society helps feed us what to do next. No, I am not trying to place blame for any of my actions, those I whole-heartily except as my own. Many not wise, while others the best choices I have ever made in my life.

I used to believe that there was a set destiny for each person. That there is a set design... a final place to hang our hats- however, over time I have learned that there is no way that is possible. We can everyday decide to take a left turn rather than a right turn.... or even the other way around. Not is set in stone... any little ripple can effect so much.

My ideas and thoughts about Karma were pretty much the same. I believed without a shadow of a doubt that you get what you dish out. Then I came to the decision, that there is NO way in hell that can be possible to the fullest extent. I know for a fact that I have not done anything so horrible to go through what I go through. I mean, how many people do you know to have a Breast cancer scare, viral meningitis, 2 bulging discs, severe colds and viruses all in one year... not to forget to mention the life I have led. I mean really??????

I have decided you have to make your own path... You have to make your own good fortune. The is no way around that. I mean, I know that I keep myself in the position that I am in, and it is my own fault, but WOW is it a slap in the face to have someone else point out to you just how stupid it is.

I don't point fingers at why I do what I do or why I stay where I stay. Granted, there are reasons behind why I feel the way I do, but none for why I don't act.

But life, proves to have its own little scheme everyday. The choices me make, bring people in and out of our lives in ways that are amazing.... The choices that one makes can bring in an unexpected person to become an absolute best friend.... or can take away someone that was held near to your heart.

I used to want a time machine to go back and change things from my past... to cut out the heart ache, to remove the pain, to dislodge the disgust.... But, I would not be half the woman I am today if I had not endured the experiences I have. I wouldn't have my perfect babies, I surely would not have the friends that I have.... To get rid of some pain.... would NOT be worth the loss of so many amazing and wonderful things.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Early morning mind madness

I do not write for the sympathy or the pity of others... I do not write to get other people to tell me how sorry they are for me. I write because I enjoy the artistic release with the occasional twinge of humor and entertainment. Usually I use my writing as my own attempt of therapy... my own deranged method of therapy... Hey there is no copay for that right??? Also, I find it better than beginning my day with a spiked OJ or numbing my senses with pills.

Well, this morning as I was trying to rest my eyes between getting my kids ready for school(there is a 2 hour span between when the bus picks Kyle up to when another bus picks Cadence up) my mind went off on one of its crazy rants. Maybe rant isn't the right word, perhaps a little harsh.

Well here we go:

I am just a little girl that is all wrapped up in the skin of a woman. No there is no mental disability just maybe an emotional one...hahaha

This morning I remembered a time when I was about 13 or so. I am sure that many of us remember that when we were that age the world revolved around us. Each one of us individually... if not for you, the world sure as hell revolved around me during my teenage years.

Well, of course, for just about every 13 year old girl there is ALWAYS a boy- this one was my latest heart throb crush. Or course at that time there was no other boy that I would ever love- Funny I can hardly remember what this kid looks like now. Well, I was majorly crushing (like there was any other way) on this boy and of course you tell your friends. There was one person who I thought I was friends with (wow I was stupid- or guess just young) ended up getting to go to this party (again... I was never allowed to leave me house) and while there she made out with him. Oh when I found out I wanted to die... I hated the world... it was crashing in around me and there was no reason to go on. Dramatic I know, I was 13 year old girl.

Naturally, my life was over. I was heart broken and so betrayed. (a sense of foreshadowing perhaps-something to look forward to in the future) I cried that whole day in my room. I sat in this one chair in room and sobbed and cried and acted like a major drama queen. My mother attempted to help in her way-although greatly unsuccessful.

"you're a beautiful girl- there is no need to cry over this."

"mom, you just don't get it... you don't understand" ( i mean we all know that our parents were never kids or teenagers)

"Honey, I was young once. There is no need to cry like this, if just shows weakness."

"I don't want you here right now- just go away- I want my dad!" (I am pretty sure this was the key moment of my mother turning on me)

I wasn't a daddy's girl by no means. Hell, I barely even knew my dad. But at that moment I knew what I wanted, and my dad was it. I wanted him to be sitting in that chair, in my room, with me curled up on his lap; my face buried in his chest-crying my eyes out. With his big daddy arms wrapped around me squeezing me to him, giving me a kiss on the top of my head.

I wanted to hear him tell me that boys are stupid- he wasn't good enough for me anyway-that no one ever will be. I wanted to have the one man who never lets his little girl down to be at my side right then at that moment. Granted there were many moments throughout my life... moments that only a fathers love and hug could help.

And even at 29 (getting all too close to 30) I still want my daddy.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

a smilely day... followed by a not so smilely day

You know that one of the greatest things is when you reconnect with people you once knew in your past. It is the best feeling to know that you are not as forgettable as you have been lead to believe. When you reconnect with a past friend, that time so cruelly took away, it just makes ya happy.... at least that is how it is for me... I was so super excited last!!!

Well, today however, has the light of something else.... Evil People. As many of you remember, the stupid office that I worked for fired me because I was sick and in the hospital last year... Well, I have a friend who has been sick for a little while now. She works for the same piece of shit company I did. She will be going back to work soon and I am a bit worried about what is awaiting her.

Well, it turns out that one of the bitches that works there, that I once upon a time sadly thought was a friend of mine (she was also in my friends wedding), had decided to start running her mouth about things she knows nothing about. When my friend first started getting sick, this stupid bitch would try everything she could to find out something that was going on... well that doesn't upset me, but she then decided to get pissed because my friend didn't want others knowing what was going on. She was a bitch to me when I told her that it wasn't my place to tell her what was going on and if my friend wanted everyone to know, she would be the one to tell her. Well, you would have thought I called her a stupid whore bitch with the way she reacted.

Well, I find out that she has the nerve to now start telling people that my friend, who is on a medical leave of absence, isn't sick at all. That she is always doing things and if she can do certain things.... then she can work.

I swear sometimes I really want to know why there are such stupid people in the world. I want to know what makes them think that they can just do or say whatever they feel like... regardless of who it can and will hurt in the long run.

Well.... just really wanted to vent. Thanks for reading!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

just some random ramblings... the usual by far

Have you ever felt like there was something you want to say or do.... but you just don't know what or how? That is how I feel today. I have been going through many of the other blogs that I have so enjoyed reading in the past. They were a nice addition to my day.

Lately I have been going through an emotional roller coaster of emotions. The ups, downs and loop de loops have, at times, been a bit more than I can handle. I have been reading a lot and I don't think I have read this much in years. I am actually on my 11th book, and it all started about a couple of weeks ago.

I have been watching movies to also try to numb the constant vibrations of my brain... but fictional lives don't help matters much. They just add to the thoughts that are always crossing my mind. I have always been a very daydreamy type of person, but as of lately.... it just seems to be getting worse.

I have been thinking a lot about what I really love to do and what I really want to do with my life. I have always loved photography and taking pictures. I have also wanted to travel all around the world. I want to see places and experiences cultures. I have a list of places I would love to go.. Ireland; Sweden; The Isle of Man; England; Germany; Japan; and the list just goes on and on. I also want to take my children on trips across the US to teach them of their American

Those are just a few of the things that I want. I want to go back to school. I just want to learn so much about so much. I want to learn new languages and teach them to my children. I want to be worldly and of the world all at the same time.

I also want to have an emotion smoothness. I understand that as humans we have a wide range of emotions. That is all acceptable. Yet, I can do with out the constant thoughts of things that make no sense. Or even when my mind realizes all of my weaknesses.

I am not saying that I am perfect... no one is. I have my issues... who doesn't. Yet, I know that I am just an average everyday woman: pony tail hair style, jeans and t-shirt wardrobe, little to no make-up, and absolutely in love with my children.

So why do I have so many thoughts about things that just drive me insane? Are there others out there that day dream of things that are outside the realm of your everyday normalcy? Are there others who just can't seem to get up over the one hump they know is holding them back from the rest of their lives? Or am I completely alone with this?

I know most of my post jumps all around and probably makes little to no sense... sorry.... but for some reason, I can't seem to lump my thoughts into something that makes actual sense. They just all keep jumping out of my mind into my fingers and across the keyboard. They needed to escape. :)

Monday, September 14, 2009

good grief

Dreams are so insane! Sometimes, I really wonder what goes through my mind before I go to sleep. Well, I remember clearly the thoughts I was thinking last night before I went to sleep, and they had NO part in what I dreamt.

My wild fantasy mind was working overtime last night. Ohhh, my newest actor heart throb is Alexander Skarsgard (yum). I know, I am almost 30 years old and the mother of three... but that man makes my blood pump.

Well, that was who I was thinking of before I finally met with the sandman's demands. Yet, my dreams were far more odd. I usually have paranoid and anxiety ridden dreams, so that wasn't out of the ordinary for me. And in this one I was far more calm and helped to rectify the issue.

I had dreamt that I had gotten my two oldest on the bus for school, that my youngest was in the living room watching cartoons and there were all these really extremely buff men all around my house. What were they doing, you wonder... they were "pretending" to be doing yard work. There were some with bags, and rakes, and mulch, and a push mower. A couple were standing in my neighbors yard, like it was a daily occurrence for such a scene in my yard. Then I seen a couple of them start to sneak by my fence talking about how someone was coming. But this person never came.

I walked into my house, completely confused. There was a man sitting on my couch next to my son, he was in jeans and a tight t-shirt and a gun holstered to his side. (My dreams are very vivid- sometimes too vivid) He stood up and was super polite, asked me if I would mind him searching my house. He stated that there was an escaped con on the loose and he was noted as heading this way. They had seen him cutting through some yards (the cops were also hiding out in a vacant house behind me, watching and waiting for this guy) and he was close to coming around to the front of my property when he vanished. They believed he had gotten into my backyard, which was completely searched and turned up empty. The think he had entered the house.

I told him to do whatever he needed to and if I should take my son and run like hell. He told me that my best bet was to behave as though I had people at my house often doing work as such and to behave as though I was going about my daily life... no worries. So, I went to check my back door, it was unlocked (i thought, damn kids) and it wasn't completely shut. I went back to tell the officer this. He asked to check the upstairs and down and I told him all of the places that may look like nothing but to search because they were easy to hide in.

Well, I went and stood in my kitchen and was looking out the window. Well, from my house to the actual house behind me, there is no way to see into each others houses, however, dreams don't always follow those guidelines. There was an officer (someone I really do know) pulling his shirt down showing a woman his complete six pack. He noticed me watching and we both started laughing.

At some point he made his way over and asked how I was. Asked where my wedding ring was, I told him I was divorced and then I said, So it is always protocol to flash people. (oddly something we would really talk about in my awake world if we still spoke to each other) He told me that I had not need to be jealous... then at that moment, my son was crying in his room and they won't let me get to him. I was fighting and screaming for him to come to mommy, but they kept me back til someone had checked it out.

He had fallen and I was pissed. Next thing I know, the guy from my couch told me, that it was a definite that this strange escaped criminal was in my house, there is evidence that shows he entered, but none to prove he left. Turn just before my alarm went off, I turned to my friend and said you can't leave. You need to find him. Please don't let him hurt my babies don't let him hurt me. He looked at me and swore to never leave my side again.

I really wonder why I dream. I mean really!? There has got to be something chemically wrong with my brain to make me have such vivid dreams. To be honest, that was a pretty mild one. Usually I am running around with a gun or weapon of some form, being chased or hunting someone who had made the impression of hurting one of my children. There are nights that I would love to have a goofy dream or even dream about someone/thing of my minds fantasy. Though, never really successful on that one.

Oh, on a side note; I colored my hair yesterday. It was supposed to turn out well... of it is almost black... if not black. Once I style it and put a little makeup on (so I don't look so washed out) I will put up a picture. It is interesting to say the least. Maybe now, I can turn goth... hahahaha!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

late night thoughts....they never let you sleep

I absolutely love to write. I have been writing for as long as I can remember. I have notebooks and composition books, and folders and binders and loose papers everywhere in this house from the times of being a teenager.

I came across a composition book that I had started writing in while still in Junior High School... there were some of my earliest poems in there. I really wonder what in the world went through my young mind. There are thoughts and feelings and emotions in those words that I KNOW I have never experienced at that age. It makes me think that I have always been this wounded creature. Who knows.... maybe most early and late teens have similar thought processes.

Well, last night I wanted to get on an write something... but it was about 4am... and that just wanted happening. However, I couldn't sleep because the damned thoughts were rushing my mind and not letting me rest long enough for the sandman to come in whisk me off to a restful (hahaha-yeah right) slumber.

So, I took out one of my many notebooks and wrote it down so that I can transfer the thoughts to my wonderful blog. So here is goes...

I watched a movie this night-the title is of no consequence. The movie was a depiction of a time our country was at war. The story was real, the story rang true... though the actors played fictional characters- the lives lost during the retelling only mimic the lives of those truly lost.

The direction of this film shadowed the lives of those who were enemies in a time well gone. Again, completely understanding, fictional people were used to show the similarities of the human race.

Through my life I have known power to be what the greedy and selfish seek- and the force behind their drive have proven to be deadly at all costs. Moral are different between all, which makes us each more alike then many care to recognize.

This film, although unreal, brought and ache to my heart and tears to my eyes. Yet an awakening to my soul- to comprehend: Men and women through generations have battles, while more than one single person can imagine have lost their own life battle to ensure that every day people regardless of race, religion, sexuality, or country can continue to fight their own personal life battles.

The premise behind each war is for the increased power- yet to me, with my little awakening and opening of my eyes- is the power to continue living.

I have taken advantage and have taken for granted the simplicity of waking each morning with shelter, food and the love my children. I have assumed that is is my right to maintain my life style- while complaining over trivial displeasures.

I have awakened to learn that it is my privilege to be able to wake each day and rest each night- because somewhere in the world someone is fighting the battle to allow me and all other people the ability to continue on.

That is what I wrote last night at 4 in the morning... I mean there were about a million of thought flooding my mind, but that is what I was able to get to paper. I also remembered how stinking long it takes to write something out versus typing it. The wonders and convenience of technology.

Well, I think one of these days, I will also put up some of my past work... things that I wrote years ago... even over a decade ago. Crazy!

Friday, September 11, 2009

Thinking... It's overrated!

So, I have come to terms with the process we all call thinking. To be perfectly honest, thinking is overrated!

Now don't get me wrong, I strongly believe in using the thought process to analyze and execute actions in many aspects of life. What I can't seem to take anymore are the thoughts that you just can't seem to control. The ones that make a person feel less adequate, over stressed, under appreciated, over stimulated, un-everything. The thoughts of what if, if only, wouldn't it be nice, the ones that we really can't do a damned thing about.

I am sure what I am saying makes little sense, but hey I know what I am saying....

I would give most anything for a day without a thought to cross my mind. A week would be heaven, what about a month or even a year, maybe then I wouldn't feel so damned exhausted just from thinking.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

It has been too long....

Wow... it has been about forever since I have been on here. I used to be a blogging fool. Awhile back I used to have a Myspace account. Through Myspace I had a blog, that was before I knew about this wonderful little place here. Once I was introduced to the greatness of I ended my mad blogging through Myspace. Yet something else ended with that, I lost the desire to write. No, I don't so much associate it with the canceling my Myspace page, that would make absolutely no sense what so ever. I think that alot of my drive for writing has to do with my moods. I am sure that many of you can relate to that... I guess that I am just so lost in so much, that I just don't know anything these days.

I have an attachment to my blog that gives a motivation quote a day.... (I am a quote junkie... i love them). The quote that was on my page today really shot out and stuck to me today.... "If you want to get somewhere you have to know where you want to go and how to get there. Then never, never, never give up. by-Norman Vincent Peale"

I have been going through some issues lately that are all to familiar to me. I thought, even if it were just for a small few months, that I was OK. That maybe just once in my life I was going to be happy, I was going to ok. Apparently, I was fooling myself. (I am still trying to figure that one out)

I got married in May of 2001. I was already a mother, to the first of my three children. I had always wanted to get married, but i didn't want to get married that day. I wasn't forced into it, I wasn't made to do anything. However, I was also not told that I wasn't going to be a complete disappointment to everyone of those who love me if I didn't get married. I know stupid, but that is me.

Within the first 6 months of my marriage, I was miserable, with a capital M... I hated my husband, I grew to resent him, and loathe everything about life in general. I didn't have a car, I didn't have many friends (although the ones I did have were amazing) I never went anywhere, I wasn't allowed to. I was taking care of my child ALONE. My husband did whatever he wanted to and that was that. No way around it. I just kept getting worse and worse.

Over time I had reconnected (via the Internet) with an old friend from when we were high school. We didn't go to school together, but we had mutual friends, in fact he was the boyfriend of one of my friends from high school. We all, in one hell of a large group, would go out all the time. Well, he had joined the Army and moved away shortly after the summer ended after we had all graduated. We had tried to stay in touch, but for one reason or another, that doesn't always work. Well, there he was, right there a typed message away. We started talking again... mainly about the stupid things we all did when we were younger... too bad that was only about a little over 3 year ago... i know too funny. We had discussed the silliness of simple crushes and what ifs.

Well, I was at a point in my life, where at that time he was becoming such a friend that I began to trust in him with my every secret. He became my life line. I had ( and still do have) a friend that I was closer to me, that I could have and should have shared all my secrets with, all my pain with, but she was equally a friend of my husband's. So, I turned to him, and told him my sadness, my hate, my disgust, my fears, my wishes, and my dreams. I told him the problems that I was having and the growing hate I had for my husband. And you know what he was there every step of the way. Not in the sense, hmmm, how can I make this work for me. But he helped me work through my fears to see that I was a very strong woman and I could make a simple ripple in the water and make so many changes. I just needed to know what I wanted and where to get, and NEVER NEVER NEVER give up on that. So similar to the quote for today.

Over time, I told my husband the issues that I had with him and he claimed he was fine and did nothing wrong. So at that time, I had decided that what we needed was to separate and get a divorce. That we, if anything, I was too young and this wasn't the wisest thing to have done. We made any agreements and decisions, and I went to stay with my mother. At that time, we agreed that it was best for our son to sleep and maintain his regular life in his home. I would have him from the time he woke to the time it was to go home and go to bed. I understand that was stupid beyond all belief, and I know that I should have never done something like that in my life. But I made that mistake and I regret it everyday.... still to this day even 7 years later.

Those who I thought were my friends during this time, would begin to tell me things that I was just too stupid to have not seen myself. My husband was a lying cheating asshole bastard. There were so many times that he had lied and cheated, that they felt sorry for me, yet they never told me. I have been able to get over the fact my friends were unable to tell me these things and build stronger relationships that have lasted the years.

During this time, I maintained communication with my friend and we had decided to see each other when he was in town from leave in the process of being transferred from one base to another. I seen him and we spent some time together. During my separation from my husband, I grew to really enjoy the company of my friend and we had talked about how we had felt when we were younger and how things in life are so confusing. I grew to love him.

Over time, during the months of the separation, I began working and looking for a job. I had also found out that my husband was trying in every way to make it so that I would lose custody of my son and never see him again. He was going to my family and telling them that I wanted to live the life of a wild party animal with no responsibilities. Then there came a time that I had to choose. He told me that he was just going to take my son and disappear, I would never see him again, and there was nothing I could do... Or I could move home. I went home. I figured I would be able to still work, save money and leave... all the things I knew I could do.

Well, to many of you, you all know I am not the healthiest of individuals. I am rather a sickly person. I ended up finding out that I was going to need surgery for endemetreosis. During that surgery I was informed that had a bad case and a large tumor on one of my ovaries. Luckily it was nothing. But then I was informed that my possibilities of having anymore children would decrease every year, that if I wanted to have anymore children now was the time to start to try.

Well, my marriage was faltering, I pretty much despised my husband, but I didn't think I had any other options. I really do believe I am a weak person. We talked about it and decided to go ahead and try. It took eight months, but I finally got pregnant. Was I any happier about my life, no. Was I looking forward to being a mommy again, YES!!! Thrilled, because I knew it was the one thing I knew I was great at. Well, it was also the most difficult of my pregnancies. I was very sick and lost crazy amounts of weight. Also, one hell of a delivery... But it was all worth it!

Then my second precious little one became 5 months old, my sister-in-law was getting married and it was to be a joyous time. Yet, internally i was still so beaten and bruised. That I felt that I only continued to get worse every day over the weeks, months, and years. Yet, I didn't know what was wrong with me, my husband and I decided to try to make things work, and I had a good home, healthy kids, but a broken abused heart. Then, a few weeks after the wedding, I found out that he was cheating on me AGAIN. God, was I furious. Not that he was cheating on me, but that I was stupid enough to think that he wouldn't. Stupid enough to think that I meant anything at all to him. Stupid enough to let it happen again. I wanted his blood that day. But again, I was weak and did nothing about it. He made me believe that it was my fault. That I pushed him to be with someone else. And not just any one but the bitch who watched my kids.

Well, I started to see a therapist...not a good thing, she was a quack. So I stopped and figured that I would just have to do what I do and just suck it up. I apparently was to weak to do anything about it and that was just that. Well, some time had passed and I was on birth control although I really didn't even want to think about being intimate with him ever again. Yet, alcohol makes you do things that you normally wouldn't. So I ended up realizing my period was a week late. Then another week went by... then I told my husband and we waited yet another week, then it came time to find out what was obvious. The moment that test was positive, I was terrified. How was I going to be able to take care of another baby, we had so many bills, such a small house, the usual fears, but the excitement of being a mommy again. That son of a bitch told me I would "have to take care of this, because we weren't having anymore kids". "Go to one of those places and get it taken care of" I thought another part of me died that day. Now today I am sure that a part of me died that day.

Well, what did I do, yup you guessed nothing. Again, not sure what part of me is so damned weak, but it is there. As my third and youngest grew, my tattered heart still ached.... my mind still wondered and my life just kept going.

Time had passed, and I got an email from my long lost friend and my heart fluttered. Although, I knew nothing would come of it. That was from another time. A time long gone and never to be had again. He wanted our friendship back, he missed me about as much as I missed him. He was a great friend. (if you are out there I want you to know that!) I miss him still.

Well, my husband was back to being an evil asshole who didn't care about anything but himself and his needs and wants. I was tired of it. I wanted out and I was going to make it happen. I told him I wanted a divorce and that was that. I started contacting attorneys and checking out new residence. I had plans, I had big plans. But I didn't have the guts to follow through.

I started to see a therapist again, She was amazing. She helped me out alot... but she knew that I was stuck and that it was me who had to do the unsticking. Unfortunately, I became very ill.... that was last October. It took many months to get over that hump of being ill. But I was able to get past it.

I decided that it was time to try to make a go at my marriage again. To try to MAKE things work., That was that... I had to, it was the only way for me to be happy. I didn't want to be alone for the rest of my life and I didn't think I was good enough for anything else.

Well, it is September 2009 and I am still heart broken, mind numbed, and deteriorating.... What is wrong with me?

Well, today's quote... it really made me think... Not like I haven't been as it is. But What do I want? Where is it? And am I capable of never never never giving up on getting it?