Wednesday, August 3, 2011

let the anxiety commence

.... all I do these days is try to get through them as best as I can. I am not a depressed individual. In fact I haven't been happier than I have been in years. I enjoy waking in the morning and going to work. I enjoy seeing my peers, my friends, my family... I enjoy living life... but I do not enjoy seeing each day pass by as though it were only a moment in time.

My kids are no longer babies. 11, 7 and 5... how did that happen?? When did that little baby boy with the big head grow up and start getting ready to enter into middle school? When did that tiny baby girl with the tiny little fingers grow up and start preparing for second grade? When did that big headed peanut baby boy grow up to be big enough to start kindergarten in 21 days?

When did this mommy lose all of her babies? When did they become big kids? When did they become so independent? When did they start walking their owns journeys; letting go of my hand?

So many questions... so many pangs of pain... so many sleepless nights...

I am so proud of them. They are smart and strong and caring. They are shining lights in the dark nights. They are beams of the sun's light. I do not fear for them growing... I have given them the core they need... I will continue to feed their hearts, minds and souls. I can no longer mold them, that is for them to do now.

That is where the emptiness grows. The feeling of no longer being needed. How will I be able to deal with my last little monkey no longer running to me and wrapping his little arms around my neck because he is so excited to see me? I have lost that with my other two... and so much more... my heart is shredding...