Tuesday, February 16, 2010

You are only as lonely as you allow yourself to feel...

Today was much like any other day... for me that is. I am getting ready for the week ahead, which is going to be filled with a few painful moments for me (literally). But all in all... not a bad start to the week.

However, for the past few weeks I have began to struggle with loneliness. An empty feeling inside. Not a depression... there is a difference. This feeling that has been consuming my thoughts and feelings stems from the lack of affection I am able to give as well as receive. I mean in an adult relationship.

It is a tough topic to express to anyone. Very difficult to even allow myself to realize sometimes. It makes the loneliness feel heavier. I am not physically lonely... emotionally lonely! The difference is great and significant.

I have been so sad for so long and have longed to be able to feel a certain way for so long... that it has its moments when I am fearful that it will consume me wholly. Bring me down to a point that I will start to search in all the wrong places and put myself in situations that are so far from where I want to be.

Most days I am able to get through smoothly with a confidence that could tear down a brick wall, while the next day that confidence is gone and all my previous thoughts are silly childhood fantasies that I have convinced myself to be foolish and inconceivable.

Then there are moments like tonight (while trying to go to sleep) that just enter my mind and begin a hostile take over. All the things I long for. Most very simple. But not easily obtained.

The touch of a man... on my hand, my shoulder, my neck, my cheek, my back, the slight brushing of hair out of my face, a warm smile that I understand, a kiss, sitting next to someone who cares for me the same as I care for him.... the list is never ending but truly simple. I don't long for extravagant things. Unless, falling in love and being loved in return is so unreachable that I live in a sad world of delusion.

The passion that I am made of... the passion that courses my veins... the passion that drives me to find just what I need and want... That passion is a driving force I am terrified to lose.

So many years have passed that I have been in a state of not wanting to be looked at by another man as long as I lived. I could not bear the thought of being treated as negatively as I have in the past. The pain of a broken heart is so unbearable, but it was relived in each memory of what I have been through.

I believe I have come along way with the thought process of being happy again someday. I mean truly I feel that there is a possibility for me to have what I long for so badly. The trouble is getting there with out setting myself up for failure. I am so fearful of being lonely for a moment longer that it will take over everything that makes me who I am, that I will only make it happen by subconsciously creating obstacles for myself.

I am a loving person, some one who wants to share all of that and what I have. Someone to share a life with.

I see other couples in my life. Although, dysfunctional each in their own ways... I can see that the love they have for one another is so breathtaking. The undeniable little subtleties that make up their precious loves. It is truly inspiring. A glimmer of hope to hold onto.

I guess these days will come fewer and fewer, the closer I get the my end goal... Just hope there are not as many obstacles to overcome as I have imagined.