Saturday, September 18, 2010

The beginning

I have been with out the internet for awhile and will still be without it until I get the company out at my house next week. However, I have been writing little things here and there to keep myself sane.... Here are the two little things I have jotted down...


I am finally in my bed with my kids in theirs. This is a whole new process we all have to learn. It is so hard for them. It is so hard for me. I just feel like I have failed them miserably. That this mommy just hasn’t been able to do for them like they need. I know that where I am is better for them in the long run, but my heart still breaks when they are not with me.

It absolutely kills me when I know they really don’t mind not being with me, but the second their dad is away from them they flip out and meltdown. They have to call him a million times and whine about not being there and ugh!!! It feels like they are ripping my heart to shreds piece by piece.

I can’t tell them that. It would be hurtful to them. I wouldn’t want them to feel sad.


Well, it is truly a process. I know that and it is moving along nicely. Yet, I know that is will be hard again when they are at their dad’s. I spoke with a friend of mine who has been in a similar situation. He and his wife got divorced and they do shared parenting. He is an AMAZING father and I know that he would be able to give me some advice. I just needed to know that it was going to get easier. Everyone I have talked to tells me it will easier-NONE of them have been where I am right now, none but him. He made me feel better by telling me that although it may get a bit easier to deal with it will never be normal. A parent just can’t get used to being away from their kids. Crazy thing…It just made me feel better. Weird I know!! But it makes sense.

I got to have the kids for 3 nights… just like they were away from me for 3 nights. We will go back and forth for a bit until it is every other week. I am sure I will have heart failure during those times.

I will get through this… I know I will. I just keep telling myself- Just keep swimming, just keep swimming….