Thursday, June 5, 2014

I will never understand....

We never really know what is in store for us or the ones we love. We can never fully understand it either. My sister passed away 6 months ago and there hasn't been a moment that I have been able to accept or understand it.

I have been filled with a massive amount of anger. It has just been recently that I have been able to allow myself to see that is the what's going on in my head. I have kept myself on the go nonstop; really it's just life... But I didn't let myself have much down time for thoughts to process. When I come across those times, I would become so angry. So upset and furious with my mother. I completely stopped talking to her.

Yeah, I know that sounds harsh. Especially since I just lost my sister and a family should pull together and be there for one another.

I however, have grown further away from my family. Most people really. I have shut myself down. I have closed all doors.

This week, 14 years ago... I was on the count down to the birth of my first child. Treva and I were so close. She was my best friend. I lived in an apartment and didn't have my own washer and dryer. She picked me up and all the new clothes for my soon to be here, baby boy. We were going to spend the day together washing and drying all his new little things. Spend the day together, like we had done so many times before.

I didn't see her pain. Not then. I didn't see how hard it was for her to see her brother have his first child 6 months earlier and now her sister preparing for her first child, to arrive in just a few days. I didn't see her slipping and falling.... Getting worse and I did not see it.

Instead her and I grew apart. I didn't pick up on it. I didn't see her drinking more and pushing away the people close to her. We grew further and further apart. She divorced the one man who loved her every day of her life, the moment she entered his. I didn't understand it.

I saw her drinking and driving. I saw her only wanting booze and drugs. I tried to talk to her. Maybe once or twice. I tried to be sweet and kind. I tried to tough approach. I yelled at her. I screamed at her. I told her I hated who she was becoming. I didn't see she was already stuck in this cycle of personal Hell.

I scolded her for driving while drinking... while intoxicated. I told her that I would not be able to remain a part of her life if this was the road she chose. That I would not sit back and wait for the call to tell me she was dead or that she killed someone. Told her that she may hit my car, with her infant nephew and kill us both. I may as well just inserted an IV to fill her blood with alcohol, myself.

It was YEARS before I spoke to her again. From that point on we rarely saw each other. We barely spoke.
Before the received a phone call Nov. 1st of 2013... it was 3 days after being released from the hospital from surgery that I saw or spoke to her. April. 5 months.

5 months.

I was upset with her then. Why? because she was angry she had to be at my house. because she didn't want to sit there with me or my mom. I didn't get it. I didn't know why. Was she jealous I was getting attention? Was she carving a beer?

I would want to sit with me either. The sister who walked away from her when she needed her best friend the most. The sister who never talked her. The sister who never saw her. The sister who was a nasty terrible person to her.

I was told that Treva had congestive heart failure and was going to die that day, Nov. 1st. I didn't believe it. I thought she was pulling some stupid  attention stunt. I went to see her that night. We talked and laughed. She looked so old. She said she hoped that her being sick would bring her family back together. She made a joke "You're here, bubby was here... I guess I am dying". I told her she was full of it.

That was the last time I got to talk to my sister. I told her I loved her. She told me she loved me too. My daughter was in a tournament that weekend. I went to her games and was too tired to go to the hospital. She was fine.

I went to see her that Monday... Nov. 4th. She had no idea who I was. From that day forward I was there every day... She stayed the same for a few days. The nurses were a joke. Giving us some kind of hope. Nov 10th we were told her kidneys were done. Her liver was done. There was nothing to do. She didn't want machines to live for her. We had to take away the things keeping her alive.

The next 5 days are a blur. I barely slept or ate. I grew to hate my mother and younger sister more and more. Their behavior and actions kept me from seeing and feeling and dealing with what was really going on.

I was losing my sister.

I get caught off guard with a thought of Treva and cry a little, or even a lot. The last 13 years of her life I abandoned her. 13 years. REALLY?!?!

This week all I have done is have this overwhelming feeling that I can't get over. I've cried every night. I didn't realize that I had this many tears to shed. I want her here. I want her back.

I'm tired. I'm miserable. I'm lost. I want my sister.