Sunday, April 18, 2010

random ramblings of the broken hearted!

Sometimes I allow myself to get ahead of where I really should be going. I think that I really need to have a buffer between me and the rest of the world. A filter of sorts!

I think sometimes I am just too ready to jump into some things without fully thinking them through. Don't get me wrong... I know the type of person I am... I know what I am capable of, but I guess there are times when a small part of me escapes the sanity I try to maintain, she just runs a muck. Causing way too many issues for me to handle.

My heart is a weak object... I tend to keep it under lock and key since it is so tattered that really I don't think it can take much more... but it beats stronger than I really know sometimes. It tries to reach out every little chance it gets to grab a hold of something that gives it the slightest hope.

Yet, there is that part of my mind that takes hold it that tiniest wisp of hope and says, Hey... calm down... we will get there one day! Don't rush it!

I have been so ready for the life I am heading to... I have been dreaming of it for years. I have been longing for it... I think that is why I end up getting ahead of myself.

I like to think I am a strong woman... one who can take care of herself.... one who can hold her own... one who can take care of her children... one who can hold the weight of the world while wearing my heels and smiling with the best of them... one who doesn't need anyone to hold my hand... one who doesn't need anyone to lean on.

I try to strive to be that person. I know I am capable of it, I know I can do it... Hell, I am already doing most of it. But that heart of mine tries to weaken me with each day. It tries to get me to believe that I am going to need someone by my side.

That is when I remind myself, that no matter what... I know what happens when you allow someone to stand by you... I know what happens when I open my heart to some one else... I know what happens when I let my guard down... I get hurt!

Tonight I was sitting thinking that maybe my heart had a really good idea... I was feeling really good about it too... but then Logic set it! I am so not going to let my heart lead my way. My mind has not be broken... It is stronger and can keep me on my feet.

I know how that may sound... pretty harsh! Well, it you have ever put your WHOLE self into a relationship and only been dropped repeatedly... or even opened yourself up to someone else... only to be dropped... and then opened your self up once again to be dropped... or maybe your first encounter with someone ended in distrust... You tend to see a pattern.

I used to think that maybe that it was me... and then I thought, no it is them... but hey who keeps letting them in... ME!!! The problem is with me... The "someones" I let in are the ones that hurt me... but I let them in.

So... problem solved.... Guards up... Never to be let down... Ensuring.... I will never be dropped again!

So, does that mean I won't feel "special".... maybe... but that is far safer than ever feeling hurt again! My heart can't take it anymore.

When someone tells you that you are special to them...or at least leads you to believe that... look at their actions... actions are far louder than words... that is your first sign of knowing just how "special" you really are!

Get ahead of the rest... know what you are up against before you decide to open up and let down that guard... that is my new motto... at least for now.

Who knows... I may have just not met that someone yet! That someone that just won't drop me... that someone who will be there when I do fall and be there when I am walking tall! I guess there is still some hope! Good to know!


NeonSkull said...

Hey I feel the same. Its sucks but I guess life is unfair and you cant force people to feel for you what you want them too. I dont know if everyone has a perfect partner out there for em. but I guess its fun trying to find out.

Anonymous said...

God loves you...Personally...Powerfully...
Passionately. Others have promised and failed.--Max Lucado (A Love Worth Giving)