Monday, September 13, 2010


Time has flown and summer is gone... School has started and my mind is still whirling from the hundreds of things that I have done, am doing and still needs to be done. I can't seem to get a grip on life these days.

There are times where I am completely lost and really can't seem to find my way out of the paper bag. The opening keeps closing letting in only a crack of light

I have been going through so much lately that I don't know how I stand on my own two feet most days.

I cried like I never cried before. I cried with huge tears and massive sobs. This outburst caused a panic attack and an asthma attack all at once. I had to go to my house for the 1st time alone... with out my children. I wanted to die. I have failed my babies and there they were safe with their daddy, but not with their mommy.

I am void of emotion today. An automaton just going through the programmed motions of the day. Knowing to slap on a smile when necessary to avoid the unwanted "Manda, you OK? you don't seem yourself today" questions.

I have no appetite though I made myself eat. I feel empty but with slight excitement to see my sweet chipmunk's faces after work. It is all that is keeping me going right now.

How did I not think it would kill me this much?