to take it all away....

It's nights like tonight that makes it the most difficult time for me as a mother. All you mothers and even you fathers out there, will know what I mean! It is just so hard to want to be able to go in and mend your child's broken heart!

My oldest is 10 going to be 11 in June. He is having the most difficultly with his parents' divorce. He tries to stay strong for all around. He is very much like me in that sense, he hates to cry. Tonight, he came out of bed a few times and I just knew there was something wrong... I knew he was upset. About 10 minutes after I asked him if he was okay, he came back out crying his little hazel eyes out.

He curled up on my lap and cried and sobbed and sniffled and gasped in air... he let it all out!!! I just held him. As his mommy, I did all I could to not cry. I must stay strong for my boy! I held him and let him go! He finally started to calm down and let me know, he just didn't think he would ever get used to this. Then he cried on some more. I held him for at least a half and hour.

We talked a little about his sadness and that it is perfectly normal! No matter what he can always come to me if his feelings get to be too much!

We are both laying in the living room on the couches watching The Wizard of Oz! He is doing better, but still upset!

I just want to take away all his pain and sadness!

Have I failed them again...

Have a in some way failed them again? That is the question I keep asking myself. Last night I took my babies to their dad's. When I dropped them off for the first time, I was a blubbering fool, crying so hard my face hurt, sobbing so loudly I startled myself, and so many tears.

The feeling of curling into the fetal position and staying that way for days.... it was all i could think of. That first time, I knew that a day would come when I would go and drop them off and not get that vomit feeling. That made me cry even more.

Each time has been very difficult but then.... Then I took them to their dad's last night. Last night, I did NOT want to throw up, I did NOT want to curl into the fetal position, I did NOT cry my eyes out. About half way home, I realized that I was OK... feeling OK, made me cry, want to crawl into bed and not come out, and cry my eyes out.

I was thinking about it again today on my way home from work and again started to cry. (I am not a fan of allowing myself to cry)

Does this make me a terrible mother? That is what I keep asking myself over and over again.

That look...

I saw something today... something, I thought I had all but almost given up on. I saw a husband look at his wife with pure love in his eyes. The way he looked at her was beautiful. It wasn't just a one time look... He had that look in his eyes every time he placed them on her.

Oh, the hopeless romantic in me was clawing to the surface. I am naturally a people watcher. I love to see the way people talk to others, walk, behave, treat others, you name it I love to study people! I think that could be why I have an increased amount of cynical tendencies!!

Yet, I have seen him look at her that way everyday I have seen them together. It could be first thing in the morning, middle of the day, or in the evening after a long day at work. It gives me hope that maybe just maybe my "look" is still out there!

nope... nada... no more

I am really truly trying to maintain my calm! I don't believe I have much left in me after this week.

This past week did not go at all in any way how I may have ever imagined! I don't think any normal prediction could have been given that would have had last week play out the way that it did!

Someone I truly care about it being harmed by someone who claims to love him. It breaks my heart that this person who claims to love him would be so degrading and place him in such a horrible place!!!

It is far more detailed, but pointless to beat this dead dog! However, today....

Today, I have had a pretty relaxing day! It has been nice and quiet, and I have been expecting my kids to be dropped off for a few hours now. Last week, their dad took them around 12noon ... okay, that's fine... but then when i expect for him to drop them off around 3 today, I get nothing. I call him and he says Oh I thought you were going to pick them up. GRRRR.....

Now the conversation earlier when he told me he was going to bring them over after their running around... I am so tired and frustrated with being taken advantage of. I am tired of sitting back and being a doormat!

Nope... Nada... NO MORE!!!!

sigh....

Today has been harder than most days. I feel out of sorts! I know what my issue is... I miss having a baby. A little tiny new born baby! I miss being pregnant. I miss the way I feel when I am pregnant. I miss the big round belly, the baby moving, the little feet pushing out the side, the way I would ache with feet in my ribs! I miss the moment I know that baby is coming (yes the pain is killer, but you don't think about that)! I miss seeing that slimy lil' mess the moment he or she is born. The swollen face and wispy cries. I miss holding that tiny helpless baby in my arms... feeding that lil baby for the first time.

I miss holding that little baby... I miss changing diapers delicately and ohhh that fresh new baby smell!!! hahaha

I know i know... I have 3 perfectly wonderful children! I know I don't want to seem greedy... but I do want more children.

I want to one day be in a great relationship where I feel just amazing and not shitty! I want to believe that one day I will have the things I want. They are not material things, they are wonderful things. They are love and trust and caring and a partnership and a man who not only respects me but loves life! A man who sees the world a bright greens and blues and sun shiny yellows!!! A man who holds my hand and my heart!

One day I want to be able to have a baby! One I can protect while growing in my belly, one I can hold in my arms and sing lullabies too... I know I will be out of this crazy baby fever!!!

sigh....