Monday, November 22, 2010

Have I failed them again...

Have a in some way failed them again? That is the question I keep asking myself. Last night I took my babies to their dad's. When I dropped them off for the first time, I was a blubbering fool, crying so hard my face hurt, sobbing so loudly I startled myself, and so many tears.

The feeling of curling into the fetal position and staying that way for days.... it was all i could think of. That first time, I knew that a day would come when I would go and drop them off and not get that vomit feeling. That made me cry even more.

Each time has been very difficult but then.... Then I took them to their dad's last night. Last night, I did NOT want to throw up, I did NOT want to curl into the fetal position, I did NOT cry my eyes out. About half way home, I realized that I was OK... feeling OK, made me cry, want to crawl into bed and not come out, and cry my eyes out.

I was thinking about it again today on my way home from work and again started to cry. (I am not a fan of allowing myself to cry)

Does this make me a terrible mother? That is what I keep asking myself over and over again.