Monday, October 5, 2009

Memories, like the corners of my mind....

So, today and yesterday my writing bug has been itching... With so much to say that can't be said (at least not yet) or just nothing to put words to. Tonight I was so unable to sleep, and as you see, I am still having problems going to sleep. Wide awake is not my friend... where was it earlier today.

In my basement is a box filled with some extremely amazing memories. Little trinkets from Homecomings and Proms, notes from ex's, birthday and graduation cards, poems, English papers, notes back and forth with friends, pictures... oh the pictures, newspaper clippings and so much more.

While looking through these things I just laughed and laughed and even a few times had some tears come to my eyes. Some sad but mostly happy tears!!!

I came across an old school newspaper that had an article discussing the Mock Trial I was lucky to take part in. I loved that moment in life. It was all apart of a plan I had for myself. I wanted to be a lawyer so bad during that time in my life. I can remember the dress/suit that I wore that day. I loved that article of clothing. I wanted to dress everyday as professional as I did that day. (wow, how life has it's own agenda)

A newspaper clipping of an ex boyfriend (who was a great friend my senior year) tackling an opponent in a local football game. Just reading is name, brought back memories of so many fun times with him. My first group movie date, having to take something from his pocket (the perv-hahaha), a straddingly evening at a friends house, learning he was going to be a teenage parent, spending fun many fun days in Chemistry class talking about Terrytown and how he was going to own the Steelers (yes, my love for the Steelers came from him)... Oh, Terrytown... just thinking about it makes me laugh out loud. Taking pictures with him and Dave and JoAnn after commencement. Him coming to my wedding and dancing with me telling me if my new husband ever hurt me, all I needed to do was call him. The memories pouring in.... We went to State!!! I miss him. He was great!

There was a notebook with Mickey Mouse on the cover... This was used during my graduation party for my guests to sign. I read all of the inscriptions from family and friends. Many if not more told me to never lose my smile and my happiness. Reading them, especially from those I don't speak to anymore (damn that life... people growing apart... blah) and remembered so many of the good times had with these people. I am smiling as I type and that makes for a happy heart.

There were programs from a production I was a part of, the cast photo... oh those were some great nights. Spending time with great people back stage and during rehearsals. Hahaha... playing cards in the hallway with friends. The super fun times had afterwards. Swimming at Courtney's... fitting like 13 people in a little Geo hatchback... oh goodness.

Going to my Freshman Homecoming with Leanne and Liz. That was one hell of a limo ride. Yes we got a limo... we were traveling in style that night. The pictures from that limo ride... We missed Amanda not being there... stinkin back surgery.

My fifth grade class picture was in there... oh my goodness! My mother must have had it out for me. The clothes she put me in.... hahahah! I was in some funky t-shirt and a ruffled jean skirt that clearly needed to be ironed and a pair of filthy as can be tennis shoes. If only I had a scanner to show you all these pictures. Among those pictures I came across one of me and my oldest brother, Danny (no matter how old he will get, I will always call him Danny). We were sitting in our kitchen from our old townhouse... That picture was my greatest find of the night.

These memories brought on thoughts of so many other memories that weren't connected to little trinkets in that box. Memories I have stored in my mind... Sleep overs, crushes, Halloween, the haunted hay ride and house, scavenger hunts, flat tires, ice skating, red hats, my 3 infamous questions, The Magic Twanger, (it's hotter than a 3 peckered goat back here), Handel's Ice Cream, Taco Bell, and Peaberry's. Yes, all of these have a special place in my mind and in my heart.

Sadly, I came across an old notebook that I used to write to God in. I was a mentally troubled teen. At least in my early teen years. During the time of being 13 to 15 I used to write so much... and it was all so sad. This notebook had about 3 or 4 entries (not sure what happened to cause me to stop writing to God). There was an entry where I expressed my desire to commit suicide. It was dated four months from the time that I had made my first and only attempt. It made me sad to think that I was so far into a state of depression. In that same post I asked God, "...when you see my pain surfacing take that pain and put the feeling of writing a story or something into me, and lift some of the burden off of my heart." That was 1994... I have been given a great gift from God to take my pain and other emotions and tell a story. I thanked God the moment I read that.

I also read many of my poems from my youth. Filled with feelings that I know I hadn't experienced yet in my short life. Feelings of despair, desertion, loneliness, fear, death, hatred, and a strong want and desire for love. I mean, there are feelings and words from those writings that I can relate to now... but then, not imaginable.

I also came across a poem I had to write for my Honors English class my senior year. This was and still is one of my most favorite pieces I have ever written.... here it is....


Through the darkness of the night
And the brightness of the sun
A young boy wonders mindlessly
His mind filled with confusion and fear
His eyes unable to read
His ability to cover his pain is weakening
Alone, away from the others
Not by physical being but by mental being
The way no one could ever understand
Hiding from his shadow
Hiding from the darkside
Unable to give into the hatred
Aware of the savagery around him
The insanity of the others
Makes him move further away
He can no longer deal with the savage of the others
He leads himself away
Away from himself and everyone else
The distance has become too far to cross
No hope for his survival
No hope for his rescue
No one able to save his soul
All alone dying
Away from his life, civilization
Turning inside out
Losing all will to want control
This boy wondering in silence
During the day
During the night
Alone with himself
Alone with nothing