Innamorata

I guess you can say that I do miss being a part of a relationship. I have been doing some serious thinking and no longer smashing down every emotion that comes to the surface. No, I am not looking for one. No, I am not swooning over anyone.

I notice the twinge I get when I see two people together... that awe... that oh, i miss that! hahaha... it is silly. I am not worried about ever finding anyone. I don't fret over it. I really am content where I am. I enjoy being just me!

Yet, there are those times when I do miss it. I miss saying good morning to someone. Or telling them good night. I miss that giggly butterfly feeling when I know I'm going to see them. I miss that feeling of being some one's somebody. If that makes any sense.

I am happy being me. I like being me! I think I'm pretty awesome... hahahaha.... Yet, I also miss being some one's babe, honey, sweetie... innamorata. I was called that once... A long time ago. That was the last time I was someone to somebody. The last time I felt so special. He was my tater and I was his gater. I know it's silly... but we were young.

No.... I do not long for that! I don't really long for anything. I just sometimes get a little lonely. I see all the movies with happy endings... I see people holding hands... I see the way people look at one another... It makes me smile for them! I makes me happy for them. It gives me a little feeling of wishing I had that.

So, I was laying in bed... trying to go to sleep. Needing to get rid of this headache that just keeps making a come back when I thought about "Innamorata". I haven't heard this song in YEARS. I used to play it over and over again... It is just such a beautiful song. My Dean Martin CD is missing... it's like it just disappeared into thin air. I have had no luck finding the damned thing online anywhere and now I can't sleep because I just keep singing the one word over and over again in my head! So that is where this post came from... my random thought processes can bring on the strangest of things!

I truly do kill me! hahahahaha

Paths

Many times a path is shown and many times the traveler just passes by. The path is winding and jutted with obstacles. The path is not the easiest to travel. Many times the traveler just looks at it in wonderment. Longing to one day be brave enough to travel down that path.

Each day the traveler journeys down the open clean path. Although the end result is the same. The path is clear and the one could see from the beginning to the end. The vicious circle bringing the traveler back to the beginning.

Then to take another look at the path never taken. The path filled with speed bumps and road blocks. The path with an unforeseen ending. The path that will take the traveler on many adventures and filled with promises of sun shining days and guarantee of cloudy rain storms.

The path the traveler knows will need time and patience, love and compassion, and the willingness to become a part of the path not just a foot stepping here and there to avoid the ruts. The traveler must be willing to become a part of the path and not just one passing along to reach the end.

Are you my mother?

There is nothing more satisfying than being a mother! I am a greedy selfish woman when it comes to my children. I truly can't get enough of them. I love watching and listening to everything they do! The way they observe everything. The way their minds work.

The moment I found out I was pregnant with my first child I was terrified. I had no idea what I was going to do or how in the world to take care of a baby. I did everything by the book. I stopped eating anything that wasn't 100% healthy, cut out all caffeine- including chocolate, I made sure that I was the perfect incubator for that little life growing inside me. Then he was born, a healthy baby boy! It was like God created me to be his mother. That it was my sole purpose... to be a mother!

Then I was pregnant with my second wonderful gift. This time my health wasn't the best (I guess that having a little girl does that to me). I ate what I could keep down, but made sure that I was still taking care of myself. She was a healthy beautiful little girl and the routine for being a mother of two just set in. I knew just what to do and how to make it work.

My third pregnancy was one filled with fear. I had two hands! Two hips! Two legs! How in the world was I going to take care of 3 of them? Would I have enough love for all of them? Then my third little bundle of perfection was born and this mother just knew what to do. Each day was a lesson and I kicked it's butt!

I am now the mother of a 5, 6 (almost 7) and 10 1/2 year old. I enjoy being a mother 100%!!!!! I know it sounds greedy of me but I want more. I want to have another little baby to love and help grow. I want to have a huge family!

I'll be there...

Just a little something.... I know (and thank God) that my kids don't read this, but this is a little something for them!

I have never been more complete or ever in my lifetime happier than I am being YOUR mommy! I wake in the morning knowing that I get to see your smiling faces and hear you sweet voices. To know that I am going to be blessed with your giggling and your whining; your arguing and your inquisitive questions; your sleepy little yawns and your whispered murmurs.... I know I will be blessed to help mold you into the amazing person you will each grow to become.

God has given me the wonderful opportunity to teach you and guide you each along your paths. I know that even though our road may be bumpy and we can't always travel in the direction that looks the easiest, I will be by your sides, holding you little hands in mine. Every year you grow older and stronger... I will still be there holding your hand and carrying you when you need me to the most.

I'll be there every step of the way. When you want me there, when you wish I weren't there, when you need me the most and when you just need to know I am there to get through. I will be there to protect you. I will be there to pick you back up with you fall. I will be there to teach you to have faith in yourself. I will be there to teach you to have faith in others.

As your mommy, I know there will come a day when you will be ready to leave my side. Yet, know this... a mommy's job is never done.

I love you, my three little monkeys!

Shock therapy??

You ever have that urge to write yourself a letter to read years down the road? I know a ton of things I would like to say to me... I would like to wring my own neck sometimes. Maybe my dear friend had a wonderful idea after all, some shock therapy! hahahaha... YES, completely kidding on that one.

I would and have given friends advice on my many issues at hand... while walking away knowing I should practice what I preach. Yet, I never do!!!

Maybe one day I can be wise and know what is what! Not what I want it to be.

Perfection!

Today was the best day I have had in a long long time!!! It was just amazing! I swear it was like God heard I needed something good to happen.

Work went well... As usual! I was quite productive which was nice. I have been in a foggy cloud lately and it was nice to be back in the swing of things. After work was when it all fell together.

I went and picked my kids up for our trek to home. Kaleb in true fashion was out cold (unfortunately for both of us- there was no waking the boy-til he strolled out of his room after 10pm). We got home and Kyle, Cadence and I started dinner. We each had a part in getting dinner in the oven and on the stove. It was great having them work with me and together with each other. Then while I did a few little things around the house, the two of them flew through their homework til dinner. We each sat the table and were all ready for some yummy grub!!!

Dinner was a riot! I have a funny way about eating. I have always done it, have no idea why, but it has been pointed out to me over the years. When I eat I tend to greet my food with my tongue. That means I stick my tongue out to meet my food. If you have eaten with me and never noticed this... that was my choice! I won't let people see it because apparently I have gotten worse with it over time. During dinner the kids just sat there staring at me... Ya, know because I am radiant! hahaha Seriously, because they thought it was hilarious! Cadence says, "Mom, you do eat funny!" Kyle added, "Why does your tongue meet your food?"

Well, after they enjoyed cracking up laughing at me for a few minutes we continued dinner with funny conversations and craziness. They had me recording them doing silly things and I loved every moment of it! After dinner we cleaned up and Kyle and I finished his homework. He then went to play some xbox... yest before he did the 3 of us had a sit down with some super yummy ice cream! Then Cadence and I played cards... We are tied with wins right now! hahaha Kyle played some video games while Cadence insisted we fold and put away the 6 loads of laundry I had done. That sure went by quickly with my super special helper!!!

Bedtime came and down they went with out a hassle! They went down, Kaleb popped up! We snuggled and cuddled on the couch for a few before we got into bed to watch a movie and go to sleep!

IT WAS THE BEST DAY EVER!!!!!

I feel whole with them by my side...

UGH!!! Today is the Sunday I get my kids back. It makes me so happy when they are with me. Yet, it so hard to handle when they don't show any excitement to see me.

It is almost as though they don't want to be with me. I know that sounds stupid and overreacting... But when every time the day comes for them to come home with me, they moan and whine and then Kyle has a mental melt down. Telling me how he hates it here, how I am ruining his life, how he only knows his dad's house and that is where he grew up so that is where he belongs.

I know it is hard for him. I know that he hates that I am doing this to him. I know he hates everything about this. I know I hate how much I am asking of him. I know I hate how as his mother I am causing him pain. I know I hate everything about this.

I never wanted for any of this to happen. I never asked to get married and find out my husband was a lying cheating bastard. I never asked to break the hearts of my children.

I tried everything in my power to get things to work, to make things easy for them. I finally realized that it would be better to close that book and create a new one. For them and for me! I couldn't continue to think I was nothing and have my husband disrespect me on every level possible and all while in front of them.

I know this is something I need to do everyday. Something that we all have to work through each and everyday. We will get there. I will learn that I am not nothing and that I can be amazing! They will learn that even though their mommy and daddy no longer live together they still love them crazy-like.

It is just so hard sometimes. I already struggle with getting out of bed when they aren't with me. I don't want to be like that. I feel whole again when they are by my side. I just want them to be happy.

what is wrong with me

Hmmm... the fact that my brain has been on overload for the past several days, is just driving me mad with insanity. To track it back to when the nonstop onslaught of mind numbing insanity began was the other night when I had a "conversation" with someone about my negativity for relationships and my lack of trust in men.

I have created a veil in which I hide behind. One I pull up in order to cover what I am really feeling. One that shadows the fear, the pain, the want, the vulnerability. I try to maintain a level of composure to stay distant from things I have been hurt by before.

Negativity is not the proper term for what I think or how I feel about relationships... Fear is the proper word. I am absolutely terrified that I will find myself wanting to be in a relationship with someone. Do I want to? You have no idea how badly I do. I don't necessarily look at it as a fairy tale but something that is shared between two people that just makes them better people.

A lack of trust in men... well, that is pretty correct. Again, I am terrified to lay any level of trust in any man. I have built myself back up with the thoughts that I do not need a man to help me with anything. I can do it all, all by myself. I am trying to convince myself of a lie.

The veil has been created as a way for me to protect myself. That way, I can portray that I have no faith in relationships and that I have no trust in men or the possibility of something that could be wonderful. I have created this disguise in order to not let my vulnerability to be seen. I can explain it like this... When I get hurt again, I have made you believe from the beginning that I am so hardened that when you hurt me, you'd never see just how badly I was effected.

Although, no matter how hard I try it just doesn't always work. The worst part is having it happen when you least expect it.

I can't quite explain it... I just know it's there! A feeling of wanting to talk to someone, to want to spend time with them, share things with them. Know about their day as I talk about mine. Tell silly stories of my kiddos. Knowing that without a shadow of a doubt I trust him... ALL OF THAT TERRIFIES THE HELL OUT OF ME!!!

sigh

Black Cloud

I have had a black cloud looming over me for awhile now. I had taken upon myself to just ignore it, see past it and embrace all the positives! That is until today!!!

I woke up feeling like utter death!! I didn't want to get out of bed: so tired- exhausted-whiny, achy, just feeling yucky! I got up and got ready, knowing that I need to embrace each day as it is, NEW! I picked Brian up for work and off we went. We even got Dunkin- SCORE!!!!

My brain was not in working order today. I have just been annoyed all day. Not sure why... just was. So, what should have been a nice day turned into a day of mass chaos within my own head. It was like holding down the channel button on the remote and watching each channel fly by at the speed of light. No thought was stable. I just couldn't concentrate. That was frustrating all by itself.

Add some annoyance of my ex who just knows how to piss me off! His ridiculousness had me so upset all I wanted to do was cry. Try answering a phone at work all chipper and happy like, when you are on the verge of tears. It is not easy... not easy at all!!!!

Well, I figured I would go and buy myself something... That usually helps. For a brief moment it did. Until on my way home my driver's side windshield wiper flew off like it was in a hurry to meet the ground. It only gets better from here...

I get in the garage and close the door... go into the house and put all my stuff down. I needed a moment to collect myself and being outside usually does the trick. I went out my back door for a breathe of fresh air. I intake some of the cold air around me and let the snow fall on my face and in my hair. It was a nice moment... until I tried to get back in.

Apparently, when you close my sliding glass doors, they just automatically lock. You got it!!! I locked myself out. My lovely keys were sitting on the nice warm counter in my kitchen. My front door locked up like Fort Knox. My garage door closed for the night and now me standing outside in my clothes from work, THANK GOD my coat and scarf. After realizing that I make sure all windows are locked every night, it dawned on me that I was screwed!!! I owe so much to my wonderful landlord who drove over to let me in.

Still trying to thaw out... I have realized that today my black cloud was tired of being ignored so it struck me in the ass with a jolt of lightening!!!

Welcome 2011

A new year... new beginnings... the end to old... the start to new... the resolutions that most have already made have probably been broken.

I have made no resolutions this year. I have no desire to say or commit to something that I have not already chosen to do throughout the previous year. Everything I have done thus far has been decided upon without making a "resolution" to do so at the beginning of the year.

This past year... 2010: I turned 30 years old. My youngest little man turned 5 years old, my daughter is now 6 and my oldest... a HUGE 10! I have started my new life. I have become part of a company that I not only enjoy working for but wish to help it grow. I have made new friends and started many new beginnings!!! I have grown in so many ways. Everyday I choose to continue on this path.

Today I woke up... BITTER! ANGRY! ANNOYED! FRUSTRATED!

A combination of emotions that I am all to familiar with. A combination of emotions that I thought I had been able to free myself from a long time ago. Yet, a welcomed combination of emotions; so that I can continue to do for myself what I need to without placing myself in a situation where I am only setting myself up for failure.

I have been a pawn to so many others.... I have allowed others to treat me as they choose, without concern to me or my feelings... I have been tossed about like a rag doll to be mistreated and made to be a fool.

I had that combination of emotions to build myself a fortress to protect myself from the above. I was able to let go of the anger and frustration to be able to have happiness and joy and hope. However, it opened up a weak spot in my exterior.

I am going to continue to open my eyes every morning and take each day as it come at me. I will not allow obstacles to get in my way. I will not allow possibilities to crowd my thoughts. I will be me and hope it is all I need!

Will the random thoughts ever cease? I hope not!

Am I really that big of a cynic when it comes to love? I mean, I listened to a song today, first time ever hearing it and really I cracked up laughing! I laughed so hard. I had to listen to it again a few times just to makes sure I heard the words correctly! OH MY GOODNESS!!!!

Alright, so I am a hopeless romantic! I want kisses in the rain and little surprises that tell me he loves me and cuddling under a blanket on a porch watching it rain and kisses when we see each after even a short time and dancing for no reason even with out music.... YES.. My pathetic list goes on. I call it pathetic because I don't believe any and I mean ANY of it will ever happen.

I am so tainted by the negativity of relationships that I can't even for a moment acknowledge that anything positive could come from one.

Last night at midnight while at my best friend's house... all the sappy couples locked lips the moment the clock struck twelve and that ball dropped! Me, I tipped my drink up and woohoo'ed the New Year!!!

I think I need to step back and just adjust to the world around me. Let in the possibilities that I am in fact correct and for me (not others-just me) love is a crock!