Saturday, January 8, 2011

what is wrong with me

Hmmm... the fact that my brain has been on overload for the past several days, is just driving me mad with insanity. To track it back to when the nonstop onslaught of mind numbing insanity began was the other night when I had a "conversation" with someone about my negativity for relationships and my lack of trust in men.

I have created a veil in which I hide behind. One I pull up in order to cover what I am really feeling. One that shadows the fear, the pain, the want, the vulnerability. I try to maintain a level of composure to stay distant from things I have been hurt by before.

Negativity is not the proper term for what I think or how I feel about relationships... Fear is the proper word. I am absolutely terrified that I will find myself wanting to be in a relationship with someone. Do I want to? You have no idea how badly I do. I don't necessarily look at it as a fairy tale but something that is shared between two people that just makes them better people.

A lack of trust in men... well, that is pretty correct. Again, I am terrified to lay any level of trust in any man. I have built myself back up with the thoughts that I do not need a man to help me with anything. I can do it all, all by myself. I am trying to convince myself of a lie.

The veil has been created as a way for me to protect myself. That way, I can portray that I have no faith in relationships and that I have no trust in men or the possibility of something that could be wonderful. I have created this disguise in order to not let my vulnerability to be seen. I can explain it like this... When I get hurt again, I have made you believe from the beginning that I am so hardened that when you hurt me, you'd never see just how badly I was effected.

Although, no matter how hard I try it just doesn't always work. The worst part is having it happen when you least expect it.

I can't quite explain it... I just know it's there! A feeling of wanting to talk to someone, to want to spend time with them, share things with them. Know about their day as I talk about mine. Tell silly stories of my kiddos. Knowing that without a shadow of a doubt I trust him... ALL OF THAT TERRIFIES THE HELL OUT OF ME!!!