Sunday, January 9, 2011

I feel whole with them by my side...

UGH!!! Today is the Sunday I get my kids back. It makes me so happy when they are with me. Yet, it so hard to handle when they don't show any excitement to see me.

It is almost as though they don't want to be with me. I know that sounds stupid and overreacting... But when every time the day comes for them to come home with me, they moan and whine and then Kyle has a mental melt down. Telling me how he hates it here, how I am ruining his life, how he only knows his dad's house and that is where he grew up so that is where he belongs.

I know it is hard for him. I know that he hates that I am doing this to him. I know he hates everything about this. I know I hate how much I am asking of him. I know I hate how as his mother I am causing him pain. I know I hate everything about this.

I never wanted for any of this to happen. I never asked to get married and find out my husband was a lying cheating bastard. I never asked to break the hearts of my children.

I tried everything in my power to get things to work, to make things easy for them. I finally realized that it would be better to close that book and create a new one. For them and for me! I couldn't continue to think I was nothing and have my husband disrespect me on every level possible and all while in front of them.

I know this is something I need to do everyday. Something that we all have to work through each and everyday. We will get there. I will learn that I am not nothing and that I can be amazing! They will learn that even though their mommy and daddy no longer live together they still love them crazy-like.

It is just so hard sometimes. I already struggle with getting out of bed when they aren't with me. I don't want to be like that. I feel whole again when they are by my side. I just want them to be happy.