Sunday, November 29, 2009

ugh blah grump

Do you know what if feels like to think about something so much that when you think about it anymore.... it just makes you sad?

Well.... I do! I am not a fan of it either!

It is no secret that I have been unhappily married for many many years now. I have been working towards getting divorced for so long.... and now it is finally here! Oh sweet Jesus, it is finally here! Well, not the finalization process but the fact that the father to my children has finally finally finally seen the light! He has finally come to terms with the fact that our marriage is not only a joke, but a negative cancer that has been slowly killing both of us; more so over the past few years.

A few months ago, I sat him down and told him for the 5th or 6th time ( you lose count after awhile) that I want a divorce... and that this time I am not letting him slink his way out of it! He looked at me and said, "I agree, what do you propose?" I thought I was going to die right there on the spot! I had not imagined those words ever crossing his mouth! I could have jumped up and done a jig!

Don't get me wrong, I am not an evil person. As many of you know I have been battling with a man who has cheated on me so many times, again I lost count; who doesn't not appreciate me as a person; or who doesn't work with me as a parent most of the time!

Well, we sat that night and made plans. Plans that I have been daydreaming about for so long! Thoughts that I had finally coming to a reality! Oh, it was making me giddy! So, over the past few months we are still working towards reaching these goals we have set for the dissolution of our marriage.

Well, I have gone so long wanting to be in a relationship with someone who loves me and that I love unyeildingly! I long for such a relationship! One where I can be with the one person who just makes me smile when I think of them!

I want to dance around for no reason, sit outside and watch it rain, dance/play/twirl/kiss in the rain... I want so many things!!!! I have been dreaming about them for so long now, that it makes me sad to think of them. I have waited for so long... and I know I only have a little while longer to wait before I can start my search... but I hate waiting! I can't take it anymore! I want to have someone look at me with that one certain look in their eyes! That looks that makes you feel so WOW!!!

I guess I will just never be happy! I make something to complain about everyday!