Can't I tell that little part to just shut up...

I think at some point I would like to not worry about what negative thing is going to come my way when I am at a happy point or really even think something may be going well. I often wonder just how many terrible things have had to happen for me to even worry about what craptastic thing was going to make it's way into my direct path.

A friend of mine asked me the other day how my wrist was feeling and had it healed.... After several months and being completely immobilized for the majority of that time... It was taking it's sweet time healing... I informed him "I am worried about it being healed, because then I get to dread the new thing that happens to me" He laughed. I was serious.

Well, it's finally healing and no longer swelling... and now I am working on dealing with my newest issue. YAY! SIKE!!!!

Not to mention, I've been feeling a bit like a teenage girl lately... a bit giddy and all... and there is this tiny voice in the back of my head telling me to not get all too excited about it. Really there is not need for it. It's like I'm prepping myself for failure. I don't want to admit it.... I don't like to acknowledge it. There is no reason to. But there is a part of me that is just scared.

Can't I tell that little part to just shut up.

let the anxiety commence

.... all I do these days is try to get through them as best as I can. I am not a depressed individual. In fact I haven't been happier than I have been in years. I enjoy waking in the morning and going to work. I enjoy seeing my peers, my friends, my family... I enjoy living life... but I do not enjoy seeing each day pass by as though it were only a moment in time.

My kids are no longer babies. 11, 7 and 5... how did that happen?? When did that little baby boy with the big head grow up and start getting ready to enter into middle school? When did that tiny baby girl with the tiny little fingers grow up and start preparing for second grade? When did that big headed peanut baby boy grow up to be big enough to start kindergarten in 21 days?

When did this mommy lose all of her babies? When did they become big kids? When did they become so independent? When did they start walking their owns journeys; letting go of my hand?

So many questions... so many pangs of pain... so many sleepless nights...

I am so proud of them. They are smart and strong and caring. They are shining lights in the dark nights. They are beams of the sun's light. I do not fear for them growing... I have given them the core they need... I will continue to feed their hearts, minds and souls. I can no longer mold them, that is for them to do now.

That is where the emptiness grows. The feeling of no longer being needed. How will I be able to deal with my last little monkey no longer running to me and wrapping his little arms around my neck because he is so excited to see me? I have lost that with my other two... and so much more... my heart is shredding...

purely random

I've known this about myself for some time now and I guess I just didn't want to admit it. I push everyone away or I just don't let you in close enough... Just still keeping you at a distance. No matter who you are, I have and will continue you push.

There are rare occasions when i for a brief moment allow myself to not do so, allow myself to open up a little, allow myself to take a chance... Only to realize that pushing away is not only easier but it is safer. It is the smart move. I walk away or make you walk away before there is any real possibility that I will be hurt or that I will cause you pain.

I decided to try to go to sleep a little earlier than usual tonight (wasn't feeling the best) when I was awakened, as usual, by a nightmare. It is exhausting being me. It drains me.

Tonight is one of those nights where I kind of just want to be held. Just feel the arms of another around me, the comfort in that, the safety and security- even if short lived.

GRRRRRRRR!!!!

I find it to be disheartening that everyday more and more people wake up and make the choice to teach hatred, ignorance, injustice to others around them. Then the same group of Neanderthal Primates question why the world is so full of hatred and violence. I will tell you why!!!

It is people like them that make people like me want to beat the living hell out of them!! Plan and simple!

I never want to sleep again!

I used to stay up for hours, way into the middle of the night... allowing myself only maybe 2 or 3 hours of sleep a night. I was trying to keep myself from dreaming. I couldn't stand dreaming. I didn't have normal dreams. They were the nightmares that could create horror movies or mystery series.

I never wanted to sleep. I never ever ever wanted to sleep again. I became used to not sleeping. Then finally the nightmares stopped. They stopped until a week ago. Almost a year... A year without waking up gasping for air, covered in sweat, crying out, screaming, and shaking. I was getting used to sleeping again for 6hrs or more.

Then I felt the fear coming on out of no where last week. I didn't want to be alone. I know that sounds silly, I am an adult... but I just couldn't get over the feeling. I tried to just push past it, ignoring it, so that maybe it would just go away. It didn't.

I went to sleep a bit early that night (just got home from visiting my sister out of state). I had a horrible nightmare. It was one like I have never had before. I have dreamed about me, myself being chased, hunted almost. I've been lost, my kids have been lost. I have myself been shot, stabbed, hit, fallen, you name it... I had thought I had them all.

That is until last Sunday. I woke up screaming out Kaleb's name. We were in a parking lot of one of the rest stops that we were at earlier in the day. He took off running and out of no where a semi just hit him. I couldn't close my eyes. I just breath. I couldn't do anything. It hurt so bad. Even today I can still see the image of him. It makes me sick. I ended up talking with a friend that night. We talked about anything to help me calm down. It was just what I needed.

I struggled with sleep all week. To top it off I was sick too. I had the normal hunt down of me dreams... getting caught out in terrible weather or on the water somewhere. Someone trying to kill me dreams. The kids missing. Until last night.

I have been fighting off sleep still, and last night wasn't hard. I was wide awake. I was in super cleaning mode. I just didn't want to go to bed. Until finally I did, it about 4am when I crawled into bed, I popped in a movie and didn't end up going to sleep until around 5:30. I woke up screaming at around 10ish.

It was a wild dream. Filled with suspense and stress and anxiety. I was close to finding out who this one guy was that was killing people to get ahead in a business. He was so evil. Then one night I was out walking with some friends, finally feeling safe. Looking at paintings on the sides of buildings. Then out of no where comes this old black truck lights where on at first, then they went out. I knew it was the guy who was trying to kill me. I knew it was the one guy who was trying to get ahead. They started chasing me, I was screaming and yelling this one name over and over again, asking for help. Never once was that person there to help me. I jumped up... and next thing I know I am in the truck with them. I tried clawing and biting and screaming and kicking and punching and nothing was working.

The next moment I was at a Gala... Dressed to the nines... while he stood carrying an large yellow blow up boat and I saw someone in there. Not riding in it, but inside where the air is. The man tossed it into this pool, where I jumped in after it, in my dress evening gown. It was so heavy, I didn't know how I had to strength to get to the boat. I grabbed it while trying NOT to be seen by this man who was now making a speech... I bit open the plastic and ripped it apart. I pulled out the person inside. It was Kyle. He was motionless and I just started screaming for help.

I woke up, sitting upright gasping for air, fighting back throwing up. I screamed and yelled and cried.... I demanded I go back to sleep just to see him breath. I needed to see him breath. He was so motionless. His face was white. His eyes were shut. His arms limp. I screamed that it was my dream damnit, I demand to see him breath. I cried and screamed out for at least half and hour this morning. Begging to see my baby breath.

I can't take sleeping anymore. I just can't. I am crying in pain, while I know that they are all safe and sound in their beds just down the hall from me. I am terrified of going to sleep tonight. Utterly terrified.

does this only happen to me??

I sometime think that if there was no bad luck I would have NO luck at all. I was joking around the other day... saying I am Irish... aren't we supposed to be lucky? Where my luck of the Irish? hahaha

The other day just proved that my luck is only 100% pure bad. (I must have been something horrible in a previous life for Karma to be so damned evil in this one) This past week I haven't been feeling well. My throat felt like it had golf balls with razor blades in it. Trying to fight the icky I still maintained my week. That is until Thursday tried to crush me!!!

It all started late Wednesday night when I didn't get home til 10pm... oh well, not too much of a problem but I came home to no water! Really?!?!?! I was 2 weeks late on paying the bill and actually just received the new bill two days earlier. UGH!!! Oh well. I will take care of it tomorrow.

I get up and go to work and at lunch run to the water department, with my wonderful sister-in-law. I go in and am told that since I am not the owner of the house I can't get the water back on. SO... I get the information that I need, only to find out I also need the agreement between the property manager and the home owner... UGH!!! So I get back to work, make some phone calls and finally get the paperwork I need to take care of this matter.

Now, I need to explain... I do not go downtown on my own. I know I get lost and therefore I get massive anxiety! Well, I decided this time I would go solo. I figured it would kill me. SO!!!!

I leave work early, head down to the water department... park my car... go inside, wait in a forever long line (mind you I feel like death- I can't even swallow my own spit- and i just want to crawl into a hole) when a man comes in asking whose Kia Sedona is outside. I say, mine. He tells me they are getting ready to tow it because it is blocking an entrance. The real slap in the face, the back bumper was just lined up with the curb. The deemed it just too close. I go outside to move, I tell the office, I am going to move and he says, (as cocky as a stupid son of a bitch can) Well fine move it if you want, you are already getting a ticket! I said, that's is ok, I am not asking to not get a ticket, but I wanted to move it since you can't seem to get into the entrance. Oh, here is where I wanted to kick him in the.... "You don't need to be a bitch!" My goodness, really I was in shock... the next line just slid out of my mouth. I couldn't stop it. "Well, then you don't need to be dick!" He hands me my ticket, and tells me to have a nice day... Cocky short bleep!!!!

I return to the water department to find a whole new long line and a woman from earlier that day. So we chit chat some... and finally what seemed like forever it was my turn. The woman behind the counter tried to be difficult about not being able to read the paperwork. Finally, I got done and headed home. Yet, my throat was so miserable I decided to run to the immediate care and found out what in the world was wrong with me.

I come to find out that I have strep throat. I informed the doc that I am allergic to penicillin. I head over to the pharmacy, just going to wait there for the antibiotics. The pharmacist comes out and tells me the doc gave me a penicillin based med... ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?!?!?!

Finally, I get home and just go to bed.

I really don't know how so many things could just go wrong in one day for one person.

... In the Positive

I have fallen prey to the force behind negativity! I am ashamed to admit it, but I did. I am guilty of it! Yet, I was strong and overpowered that force against me. I realized my error and corrected it.

Today I was traveling back from Michigan, with my three children. I had to significant experiences happen. One highly positive and one damn near close to killing me and my children... quite negative.

I returned home safe and sound... dropped the kids off at their dad's... and came home. I let everyone know I was home safe and the event that I included in my announcement of my homecoming was the negative event. I went into great detail over the stupid Bastard who about ended the lives of my children and mine as well.

I realized that I had shared such a negative story but regrettably discarded the amazingly wonderful story...

I was growing tired on my drive home and knew I needed a pick me up... the next rest stop wasn't far away and it was fate because there was a Starbucks. We ran in and I ordered my giant caffeinated beverage... requested my last 5 bucks into ones for the kids for the vending machine. (Mind you the vending machines there were a bit over the top in prices) Well, I just didn't have enough, even after scrounging through my purse, coat and pants pockets for each kid to get what the wanted. So we stood there and tried to compromise. I was hoping for a civil compromise between the 3 of them... Clearly, I was mistaken. After, several minutes of begging and pleading Kyle finally talked me into getting him whatever he wanted from the store if he shared and picked something else. Apparently, we had drawn the attention of a WONDERFUL couple who came over and handed me some money to get the kids what they wanted.

I tried to return the money to them unsuccessfully, as they walked away smiling and saying, We remember traveling with ours when they were longer. We enjoyed it so... Please let them go wild mom!" And they were gone. The kids hollered Thank you as they continued out the door. The kids got what they wanted and the rest of the drive home was fantastic.

That is until....

I was minding my own business keeping my eye on the total tool in the pick up truck next to me with a trailer on the back of his hitch. He would speed up and then slow down and he was driving me insane. He got a bit in front of me and then put in his turn signal. He just started merging. There was no hurry for him to. Well, as he made his way into my lane, my heart vacated my body. There semi next to me would eat me alive and spit me back out. The truck was still right next to me so there was no moving in the left lane either. I did the only thing I could. I hit my brakes and thank GOD I did.... That douche bag's trailer just missed hitting my front end. The second he passed me... I started praying and thanking God for saving the lives of my kids and I.

Yes, the experience was terrifying, it was the negative one... I should have known better than to dwell on the negative. I should have just continued on in the positive.

Reality or ???

There are so many times I have heard the phrase “looking through rose colored glasses”. You see what you want to see and that is that. Well, it is just NO fun when you are punched in the gut by reality.

Today I made a decision to walk away from a situation that just wasn’t healthy for me. I wanted it to be something that it wasn’t and never would be. No matter how hard I wished and hoped for it to be. A friend did the verbal sucker punch to the gut when she told me in the simplest right to the point statement that I had been avoiding all this time. BAM! UGH! Down for the count!

The thing with me… I don’t stay down long at all! I pop right back up and said… You really let me have it with that one, didn’t ya! No holding back! That is when she also informed me that she was tired of watching me yo-yo myself back and for and that she had to say something. You can only be supportive 100% for so long. She informed me that it was time to realize that what I wanted and what it really was ARE TWO DIFFERENT things.

Funny how we can create desire in our minds and after years of being brain washed to follow after what it is you want… You actually go for it and try something you otherwise would have never done. Yes, trying something new is a fantastic idea… but at what point to you learn that there is nothing that will ever change the outcome that this was and always will be a failed attempt?

So many times we see that person who just never gives up… How many of us really see determination? Probably the lesser part of 20% and that may be reaching a bit far. We see stupidity, ignorance, a person continuing putting himself in a degrading situation, hopeless, lost, and doomed for unrelenting failures.

I tried to maintain the positive here… I tried to keep telling myself, that there had to be a chance, be it small or not… it was there. I knew it was there. I JUST KNEW IT!!! I think my glasses weren’t only rose colored but also equipped with blinders and scented candles.

Yet, today, I decided that living in a state of mind that will lead me further away from where I should be is the wrong place for me.

But damnit wouldn’t it be great it Fat Free, low Calorie, healthy yummy tasting ice cream exisited???

Faulty wiring...

I get these amazing ideas. They formulate in my mind from a single starting point. I can take something as simple as a thought about the stars at night and create a beautifully played out moment.

I used to want to write a book and not to sound full of myself, I have a way with words. The only problem I have is the wiring from my brain to my fingers. It is all there and I can see the details clear as day. The color of a pale sea green cotton sun dress. Running barefoot in the ankle high soft fresh grass. The wind is soft and cool. The sky is a beautiful blue with the whitest fluffiest clouds hanging high above. I can hear the birds singing and the laughter. It's all a playful game.

I see the day turn to night. The stars so bright, the moon is full and the air is crisp. Laying on a blanket, staring up at the sky, watching shooting stars, heads tilted toward one another, holding hands.

Yet... when I want to take thoughts (none such as these - romance novels are fun to read, but writing about them-eh not my style) and form them into the telling of a story... I Fail! My brain decides it can no longer create proper sentences. Can no longer use the correct words.

Today, is a prime example. I have been so busy lately, but the other night I had the best topic to share with you all; I was just so tired and it wasn't happening. Now I am running with writer's block. It is an annoying event.

Vertigo... NO!!!!!

I have been feeling amazing and just in the best of spirits. I was feeling amazing and doing wonderfully. My mood has been tip top and I have been feeling so healthy. Was just talking about it and well apparently jinxed myself in the process.

The other night it all went to the crapper.... Well it started out with my head just feeling so heavy and my neck feeling so weak. It just continued to progress from there. My jaw got tight, couldn't close my mouth. My neck grew weaker and my head heavier. It got to a point that I just couldn't even move it without it everything going black or the room spinning. It was NOT good! My arms grew weak, I couldn't stand or sit up.

I had been talking to my sister who ended up calling our dad. He came, THANK GOODNESS! I am so much like my dad. I notice it more and more... but it really hit last night when he walked in and seen more motionless on the couch, mentally praying for the weirdness to just go away. First words out of his mouth were, "Wow, you look like you've been on a 3 day binder." hahaha Has to crack a joke! Gotta Love it!!!

Well off to the ER and tests and pricks and blood and more tests get done. Blood pressure tests... Good. Bloodwork.... good. EKG... good. My CT Scan... good. Well, after hours of waiting.. I am told I have vertigo.

Well, still several days later, i can't lift my head into a normal position because I still get so dizzy. I have really gotten it all worked down to just being able to deal with my dizziness. If I am able to tame my headache enough I can sit up and walk around and not have to deal with too much dizziness.

I just want this to all go away! I want to wake up in the morning and NOT be dizzy for once. Hell, i would LOVE to sleep through the night with out waking up wanting to puke my guts out because I rolled to the wrong side.

Lost and Lost...

You know what makes being me very difficult?? No, not that I am absolutely AWESOME!! Although, that can be tiresome. Hahahaha!!!

It is my undying NEED to always understand things. I really do try to get even a little bit of understanding of some things so that I have some sanity following through my veins. However, some things I do not fully understand.

I have this sickness, or so I call it, of replaying things over and over again in my mind. Not that I am reliving it, or what I could have done in a different way, or anything along those lines. I do this to try to see facial expressions and tones of voices and placement of words. I try to take pieces here and there and put it all together and really I usually make out pretty well.

I used to be able to really read people well. It only took a little time and I was able to read a person like a book. Yet, something happened!!! I don't know what it was... but I can't do that worth a shit. Not even that, I can struggling with the comprehension of a few others things as well.

It truly does drive me batty! I think that all of the confusion on this topic has me really discombobulated. I have trouble staying organized these days and it is getting out of hand. If only I could piece it all together.

Then that part of my mind that likes to add even more confusion throws in there... well, maybe I am just supposed to not know. That is how it is supposed to be. Sometimes, I really do think my mind has ADHD. So many thoughts one right after another.

I ask others for some assistance on what I just can't understand... but they can't piece it together either. It just doesn't add up. What am I missing?

Snap... Crackle... Pop...

Let's just say that I know I have a black cloud. I have even named that damned thing DUMPY. Why you ask? Because Dumpy likes to dump on me all the time. hahaha

Really it's like I am walking around with every bad luck charm out there. I let it roll off me though, what else can you do. Here is my latest adventure with Dumpy...

I went to bed Thursday night and like many nights when I have the kids with me, Kaleb crawls into bed too. (your kids are young only once, if they want to sleep in your bed, let them...) Well, finally I get to sleep sometime after 12:45am. I am awakened by what sounds like a snapping popping sound. I am pretty tired and kinda out of it, it is 2am, so I decide I see nothing so it must be ice rain hitting the window (my thought process is pretty comical...). So I roll over and go back to sleep.

I am awakened yet again, at 3:05am. The snapping popping sounds are being followed by some crackling noises and it is louder. Now, I am really delirious and my brain is running at slow mo, but my first thought was a mouse was trying to eat my water bottle I had on the floor. In disgusted panic mode (EWE MOUSE!) I find my phone and shine the light on the floor, there is nothing there. hmmmmm.... I lay back down perfectly still and listen, the sound fads away and I start to dose again.

To my surprise 3:38am rolls around and that damned SNAP.... CRACKLE... POP.... was taking over my room. There is no mouse, there is no rain, there is nothing... what the hell is going on. My overly exhausted brain is trying to come up with a logical explanation. NOTHING is formulating. Until my eyes lock contact with my outlet. I start to think, "that is it." That has to be it. I sit up, and I am on a stare down with the outlet on my wall. I am waiting in anticipation to watch it start sparking thinking that my house is going to catch fire.

After a few moments of hearing the noises and waiting for sparks, I have convinced myself it is all inside the wall and the fire is starting. I decide to be brave and lean over to touch the wall to see if it is hot. So I lean over, I am almost about to touch the wall when...... CRACK!!!!!!

BOOM!!!!

Are you kidding me... those are the thoughts running through my now wide awake brain, my bed just broke. How in the world did my bed just break? I say, alright... I have it figured out, no mice, no rain, no fire... just a gimpy bed and I am going to back to sleep damnit. So, I move Kaleb and myself to the far end opposite corner figuring that is the safe bet.

I was wrong. hahaha.... the snapping was little, the popping, was softer, but the crackling was growing and moving up the side board. Before I knew it, Kaleb was rolling away. I scoped him up, and we climbed into his bed across the hall in the room he shares with Kyle.

What was I thinking. I was thinking. I am NOT sleeping on my floor there is an imaginary mouse in there. hahaha.... Does my story end here... Oh goodness no... it is just about 4am and I have to work in the morning... there is no way in hell this story is over yet, almost though.

I am trying to get comfy in Kaleb's twin bed that he has already managed to take up most of, so once I do, I am grateful. That is until I started to hear some really excited grumbling about who knows what... Kyle was talking in his sleep. He went from being super excited about something to ultimately pissed to really excited again... It didn't stop! While all of that grumbled mumble was taking place in the room next door was a kicking of the wall and growling coming from Cadence. (my poor girl has night terrors-so this is the norm)

Kaleb has managed to wrap himself around my head, half of my body is on the edge of the bed, Kyle is grumbling, Cadence is growling, and my bed is broken... All in all I would have to say, it was a rather interesting way to start a Friday!

Life.... Just Live It!

Yesterday was my daughter's birthday. She turned 7. I was wondering how all that time had already flown by when my sister sent me a text. I was lost for thoughts or words when I read what she sent me.

Several months ago... maybe even close to a year ago, a friend of her's found out that her daughter had a brain tumor. She wasn't given the best of prognosis. I cried for that mother and her daughter when I first heard. I thought of them often over the passing months. I thanked God even more for the health and safety of my children.

My sister sent me a text message to let me know that her friend's little girl passed away at 1am on Feb. 9th. I was celebrating my baby, while another mommy lost her's. My heart broke into a million pieces for a woman I had never met. I shed tears for the love of a mother and daughter that was stunted.

I have been having trouble thinking of much else than the limited time we all have here. Life is just that... LIVING! We all have an expiration date, we just don't know when it is. There is no other way out of here. I am terrified of death. I never really understood why... but I think I figured it out. I wasn't really living... so I always thought I was going to miss out on something.

I have come to an understanding with myself that time is a beautiful gift. We must each accept this gift and use it wisely.

When you child wants you to color with him, do it. When he wants to play a video game, you may stink at it, but play your heart out, it's only a game. When she wants you to paint her nails four different colors, do it. She is just expressing her lack of conformity. When they want pancakes for dinner and to stay up a little past bedtime to cuddle with you... Do It! Do not pass up one opportunity to create a memory with them.

Turn the music up and dance around the living room. Sing into the hair brush. Play dress up. Go on imaginative adventures. Go on real adventures.

Forgive... move on... fall in love... love with all that you've got... smile... laugh.... LIVE.

I know that....

It is already hard enough for me to get the ability to go and talk to someone when I am feeling down. I am the one that everyone else goes to for whatever reason. You need someone to talk to- Call Manda. You need someone to make you laugh- Call Manda. You need someone to poke you in the eye because you're being a moron- Call Manda. You need ..... fill in the blank- Call Manda.

It is very rare when I go out on that branch looking for a smile or a laugh or an ear or that finger to poke me in the eye. I never ever really felt that I should be able to lean back when others were leaning on me.

This past week was a very bad week for me. Through it all, I offered to do the Chicken Dance for a friend who was bummed and feeling down, offered a listening ear, a congratulatory high five, a funny story and a helping hand. Once I was done helping or being there for others I was too tired to even be there for myself.

Friday night I reached out and hoped for even just someone to listen. I miss my kids. I miss them so much it is making me unable to function. My brain isn't on the levels that it needs to be for work or home or anything. I broke down and cried for a few hours Friday night. It hurt but felt like a nice release at the same time.

I talked to a couple of friends and my sister. Then the next day I thought maybe if I keep talking about it, it may help me to feel a little better. You know, since that is what every one says. Boy, EVERYONE IS WRONG. Not only did I not feel any better after talking to people, I felt worse. Now I wasn't only sad and disheartened; I was angry and bitter.

I am pouring my heart out, crying to people (which I do NOT do often, if at all). Telling them how I feel so lost within myself. That I know I am thinking like a complete fool... but I feel miserable and guilty of not being with my kids 24/7. The response was not one I needed at that moment.

A slur of, "Really, Manda! You are being silly." "Would you rather still be in a loveless miserable marriage?" "What is wrong with you?" "Do you want your kids to see you unhappy?" the list goes on. I couldn't explain anymore how I knew all of those things. I am not a complete moron. I know that I am in a better place. I know I made the right decision. I know I know I know I know... that is all I had in response to each and every one of them! It only got worse when I was asked a day or so later, "Are you over your silly little mood?"

OH MY GOODNESS!!! REALLY?!?!?!?!

Because I am always whining and complaining about every single little thing (complete sarcasm). I was shocked! I don't expect to receive Gandhi Wise advice or support. Hell, just someone to listen to me cry and yell and whatever... Someone to say, You will be alright.

I guess that is what happens when you seek for a shoulder to cry on or a back to lean against, from some one that has no idea what you are going through or how you are feeling. It isn't easy feeling like this, alone.

It will get easier. I know that. I will be ok. I know that. My kids will be ok. I know that. I just will have some downward slides every now and then. I know that. You will slip along the way up the mountain. It is inevitable. I know that.

Wasn't there a light at the end of that tunnel???

I have found myself feeling overwhelmed. So very overwhelming. I feel myself falling. Falling so fast. Out of control. Misguided. Lost.

I try so hard to maintain the happy-go-lucky personality everyone sees. When someone sees even the slightest strain in my eyes or on my face... I get so many questions about what's wrong and the you are always happy, you must be tired.

I can be logical. I know the right way to think... I know that the way I have been thinking is ALL illogical. I know that I am just so... weak right now.

I struggle every moment of every day that I am not with my kids. I can't take it. I can't stand not being with them. I hate not seeing them the moment they get home from school. I HATE not being there every night for bed time.

I have realized that I no longer care about anything. I noticed it the other night. I came home from work and laid down on the couch. I didn't move after that until I woke up and went to bed. I don't cook for myself or really eat anything when the kids aren't here. I have lost all drive to find motivation for anything.

It is so hard for me to admit that I am incapable of something. It took me YEARS to finally admit defeat on my failed marriage. I mean, really!? I am embarrassed that I allowed myself to be humiliated over and over again by him. Yet, it took me forever to grasp that there was nothing I could do. That my next course of action would be to tear the life my children knew to shreds. Make them start all over again. Oh, he was willing to stay married. WHY? Because I was home doing what a wife and mother was supposed to do, while he went out and poked everything he could. So he could treat me like crap and make me believe it was my fault. For years I had everyone convinced everything was fine. I was dying a little more and more everyday.

I finally made that HUGE move and did what I needed to do in order to start anew. I know the path I am on is the one I need to take. I know I am going the right direction. No, I am not willing to retrace my steps.

I have made some amazing new friends and have really started to be Manda again, not just Mommy. I think is what is making it so difficult for me to deal with. How can I let that happen? How can I not be Mommy all the time? How can I find a reason to smile when I'm not with my kids?

I know that I want to teach my children the importance of relationships with other people. All relationships. I want them to see the importance of a true and awesome friend and how to be one as well. I want them to see the connection sisters and brothers have with one another. I want them to see the love that can be shared between a couple. I want them to learn about love, acceptance, respect, trust, and companionship. I want them to see happy times and the support that is given during difficult times.

I know that by my actions with them from this point on, I can and I WILL teach them all of these things. They will see friendships new and old grow and strengthen. They will see how close and important family is. They will see that when two people are in a committed relationship they both feel important and loved and respected and they will want to grow to be able to involve themselves in relationships equal to that.

I can have logical thoughts, I know they are there. It's the illogical ones that are more powerful. Ugh... I really need out of this funk!!!!!

Innamorata

I guess you can say that I do miss being a part of a relationship. I have been doing some serious thinking and no longer smashing down every emotion that comes to the surface. No, I am not looking for one. No, I am not swooning over anyone.

I notice the twinge I get when I see two people together... that awe... that oh, i miss that! hahaha... it is silly. I am not worried about ever finding anyone. I don't fret over it. I really am content where I am. I enjoy being just me!

Yet, there are those times when I do miss it. I miss saying good morning to someone. Or telling them good night. I miss that giggly butterfly feeling when I know I'm going to see them. I miss that feeling of being some one's somebody. If that makes any sense.

I am happy being me. I like being me! I think I'm pretty awesome... hahahaha.... Yet, I also miss being some one's babe, honey, sweetie... innamorata. I was called that once... A long time ago. That was the last time I was someone to somebody. The last time I felt so special. He was my tater and I was his gater. I know it's silly... but we were young.

No.... I do not long for that! I don't really long for anything. I just sometimes get a little lonely. I see all the movies with happy endings... I see people holding hands... I see the way people look at one another... It makes me smile for them! I makes me happy for them. It gives me a little feeling of wishing I had that.

So, I was laying in bed... trying to go to sleep. Needing to get rid of this headache that just keeps making a come back when I thought about "Innamorata". I haven't heard this song in YEARS. I used to play it over and over again... It is just such a beautiful song. My Dean Martin CD is missing... it's like it just disappeared into thin air. I have had no luck finding the damned thing online anywhere and now I can't sleep because I just keep singing the one word over and over again in my head! So that is where this post came from... my random thought processes can bring on the strangest of things!

I truly do kill me! hahahahaha

Paths

Many times a path is shown and many times the traveler just passes by. The path is winding and jutted with obstacles. The path is not the easiest to travel. Many times the traveler just looks at it in wonderment. Longing to one day be brave enough to travel down that path.

Each day the traveler journeys down the open clean path. Although the end result is the same. The path is clear and the one could see from the beginning to the end. The vicious circle bringing the traveler back to the beginning.

Then to take another look at the path never taken. The path filled with speed bumps and road blocks. The path with an unforeseen ending. The path that will take the traveler on many adventures and filled with promises of sun shining days and guarantee of cloudy rain storms.

The path the traveler knows will need time and patience, love and compassion, and the willingness to become a part of the path not just a foot stepping here and there to avoid the ruts. The traveler must be willing to become a part of the path and not just one passing along to reach the end.

Are you my mother?

There is nothing more satisfying than being a mother! I am a greedy selfish woman when it comes to my children. I truly can't get enough of them. I love watching and listening to everything they do! The way they observe everything. The way their minds work.

The moment I found out I was pregnant with my first child I was terrified. I had no idea what I was going to do or how in the world to take care of a baby. I did everything by the book. I stopped eating anything that wasn't 100% healthy, cut out all caffeine- including chocolate, I made sure that I was the perfect incubator for that little life growing inside me. Then he was born, a healthy baby boy! It was like God created me to be his mother. That it was my sole purpose... to be a mother!

Then I was pregnant with my second wonderful gift. This time my health wasn't the best (I guess that having a little girl does that to me). I ate what I could keep down, but made sure that I was still taking care of myself. She was a healthy beautiful little girl and the routine for being a mother of two just set in. I knew just what to do and how to make it work.

My third pregnancy was one filled with fear. I had two hands! Two hips! Two legs! How in the world was I going to take care of 3 of them? Would I have enough love for all of them? Then my third little bundle of perfection was born and this mother just knew what to do. Each day was a lesson and I kicked it's butt!

I am now the mother of a 5, 6 (almost 7) and 10 1/2 year old. I enjoy being a mother 100%!!!!! I know it sounds greedy of me but I want more. I want to have another little baby to love and help grow. I want to have a huge family!

I'll be there...

Just a little something.... I know (and thank God) that my kids don't read this, but this is a little something for them!

I have never been more complete or ever in my lifetime happier than I am being YOUR mommy! I wake in the morning knowing that I get to see your smiling faces and hear you sweet voices. To know that I am going to be blessed with your giggling and your whining; your arguing and your inquisitive questions; your sleepy little yawns and your whispered murmurs.... I know I will be blessed to help mold you into the amazing person you will each grow to become.

God has given me the wonderful opportunity to teach you and guide you each along your paths. I know that even though our road may be bumpy and we can't always travel in the direction that looks the easiest, I will be by your sides, holding you little hands in mine. Every year you grow older and stronger... I will still be there holding your hand and carrying you when you need me to the most.

I'll be there every step of the way. When you want me there, when you wish I weren't there, when you need me the most and when you just need to know I am there to get through. I will be there to protect you. I will be there to pick you back up with you fall. I will be there to teach you to have faith in yourself. I will be there to teach you to have faith in others.

As your mommy, I know there will come a day when you will be ready to leave my side. Yet, know this... a mommy's job is never done.

I love you, my three little monkeys!

Shock therapy??

You ever have that urge to write yourself a letter to read years down the road? I know a ton of things I would like to say to me... I would like to wring my own neck sometimes. Maybe my dear friend had a wonderful idea after all, some shock therapy! hahahaha... YES, completely kidding on that one.

I would and have given friends advice on my many issues at hand... while walking away knowing I should practice what I preach. Yet, I never do!!!

Maybe one day I can be wise and know what is what! Not what I want it to be.

Perfection!

Today was the best day I have had in a long long time!!! It was just amazing! I swear it was like God heard I needed something good to happen.

Work went well... As usual! I was quite productive which was nice. I have been in a foggy cloud lately and it was nice to be back in the swing of things. After work was when it all fell together.

I went and picked my kids up for our trek to home. Kaleb in true fashion was out cold (unfortunately for both of us- there was no waking the boy-til he strolled out of his room after 10pm). We got home and Kyle, Cadence and I started dinner. We each had a part in getting dinner in the oven and on the stove. It was great having them work with me and together with each other. Then while I did a few little things around the house, the two of them flew through their homework til dinner. We each sat the table and were all ready for some yummy grub!!!

Dinner was a riot! I have a funny way about eating. I have always done it, have no idea why, but it has been pointed out to me over the years. When I eat I tend to greet my food with my tongue. That means I stick my tongue out to meet my food. If you have eaten with me and never noticed this... that was my choice! I won't let people see it because apparently I have gotten worse with it over time. During dinner the kids just sat there staring at me... Ya, know because I am radiant! hahaha Seriously, because they thought it was hilarious! Cadence says, "Mom, you do eat funny!" Kyle added, "Why does your tongue meet your food?"

Well, after they enjoyed cracking up laughing at me for a few minutes we continued dinner with funny conversations and craziness. They had me recording them doing silly things and I loved every moment of it! After dinner we cleaned up and Kyle and I finished his homework. He then went to play some xbox... yest before he did the 3 of us had a sit down with some super yummy ice cream! Then Cadence and I played cards... We are tied with wins right now! hahaha Kyle played some video games while Cadence insisted we fold and put away the 6 loads of laundry I had done. That sure went by quickly with my super special helper!!!

Bedtime came and down they went with out a hassle! They went down, Kaleb popped up! We snuggled and cuddled on the couch for a few before we got into bed to watch a movie and go to sleep!

IT WAS THE BEST DAY EVER!!!!!

I feel whole with them by my side...

UGH!!! Today is the Sunday I get my kids back. It makes me so happy when they are with me. Yet, it so hard to handle when they don't show any excitement to see me.

It is almost as though they don't want to be with me. I know that sounds stupid and overreacting... But when every time the day comes for them to come home with me, they moan and whine and then Kyle has a mental melt down. Telling me how he hates it here, how I am ruining his life, how he only knows his dad's house and that is where he grew up so that is where he belongs.

I know it is hard for him. I know that he hates that I am doing this to him. I know he hates everything about this. I know I hate how much I am asking of him. I know I hate how as his mother I am causing him pain. I know I hate everything about this.

I never wanted for any of this to happen. I never asked to get married and find out my husband was a lying cheating bastard. I never asked to break the hearts of my children.

I tried everything in my power to get things to work, to make things easy for them. I finally realized that it would be better to close that book and create a new one. For them and for me! I couldn't continue to think I was nothing and have my husband disrespect me on every level possible and all while in front of them.

I know this is something I need to do everyday. Something that we all have to work through each and everyday. We will get there. I will learn that I am not nothing and that I can be amazing! They will learn that even though their mommy and daddy no longer live together they still love them crazy-like.

It is just so hard sometimes. I already struggle with getting out of bed when they aren't with me. I don't want to be like that. I feel whole again when they are by my side. I just want them to be happy.

what is wrong with me

Hmmm... the fact that my brain has been on overload for the past several days, is just driving me mad with insanity. To track it back to when the nonstop onslaught of mind numbing insanity began was the other night when I had a "conversation" with someone about my negativity for relationships and my lack of trust in men.

I have created a veil in which I hide behind. One I pull up in order to cover what I am really feeling. One that shadows the fear, the pain, the want, the vulnerability. I try to maintain a level of composure to stay distant from things I have been hurt by before.

Negativity is not the proper term for what I think or how I feel about relationships... Fear is the proper word. I am absolutely terrified that I will find myself wanting to be in a relationship with someone. Do I want to? You have no idea how badly I do. I don't necessarily look at it as a fairy tale but something that is shared between two people that just makes them better people.

A lack of trust in men... well, that is pretty correct. Again, I am terrified to lay any level of trust in any man. I have built myself back up with the thoughts that I do not need a man to help me with anything. I can do it all, all by myself. I am trying to convince myself of a lie.

The veil has been created as a way for me to protect myself. That way, I can portray that I have no faith in relationships and that I have no trust in men or the possibility of something that could be wonderful. I have created this disguise in order to not let my vulnerability to be seen. I can explain it like this... When I get hurt again, I have made you believe from the beginning that I am so hardened that when you hurt me, you'd never see just how badly I was effected.

Although, no matter how hard I try it just doesn't always work. The worst part is having it happen when you least expect it.

I can't quite explain it... I just know it's there! A feeling of wanting to talk to someone, to want to spend time with them, share things with them. Know about their day as I talk about mine. Tell silly stories of my kiddos. Knowing that without a shadow of a doubt I trust him... ALL OF THAT TERRIFIES THE HELL OUT OF ME!!!

sigh

Black Cloud

I have had a black cloud looming over me for awhile now. I had taken upon myself to just ignore it, see past it and embrace all the positives! That is until today!!!

I woke up feeling like utter death!! I didn't want to get out of bed: so tired- exhausted-whiny, achy, just feeling yucky! I got up and got ready, knowing that I need to embrace each day as it is, NEW! I picked Brian up for work and off we went. We even got Dunkin- SCORE!!!!

My brain was not in working order today. I have just been annoyed all day. Not sure why... just was. So, what should have been a nice day turned into a day of mass chaos within my own head. It was like holding down the channel button on the remote and watching each channel fly by at the speed of light. No thought was stable. I just couldn't concentrate. That was frustrating all by itself.

Add some annoyance of my ex who just knows how to piss me off! His ridiculousness had me so upset all I wanted to do was cry. Try answering a phone at work all chipper and happy like, when you are on the verge of tears. It is not easy... not easy at all!!!!

Well, I figured I would go and buy myself something... That usually helps. For a brief moment it did. Until on my way home my driver's side windshield wiper flew off like it was in a hurry to meet the ground. It only gets better from here...

I get in the garage and close the door... go into the house and put all my stuff down. I needed a moment to collect myself and being outside usually does the trick. I went out my back door for a breathe of fresh air. I intake some of the cold air around me and let the snow fall on my face and in my hair. It was a nice moment... until I tried to get back in.

Apparently, when you close my sliding glass doors, they just automatically lock. You got it!!! I locked myself out. My lovely keys were sitting on the nice warm counter in my kitchen. My front door locked up like Fort Knox. My garage door closed for the night and now me standing outside in my clothes from work, THANK GOD my coat and scarf. After realizing that I make sure all windows are locked every night, it dawned on me that I was screwed!!! I owe so much to my wonderful landlord who drove over to let me in.

Still trying to thaw out... I have realized that today my black cloud was tired of being ignored so it struck me in the ass with a jolt of lightening!!!

Welcome 2011

A new year... new beginnings... the end to old... the start to new... the resolutions that most have already made have probably been broken.

I have made no resolutions this year. I have no desire to say or commit to something that I have not already chosen to do throughout the previous year. Everything I have done thus far has been decided upon without making a "resolution" to do so at the beginning of the year.

This past year... 2010: I turned 30 years old. My youngest little man turned 5 years old, my daughter is now 6 and my oldest... a HUGE 10! I have started my new life. I have become part of a company that I not only enjoy working for but wish to help it grow. I have made new friends and started many new beginnings!!! I have grown in so many ways. Everyday I choose to continue on this path.

Today I woke up... BITTER! ANGRY! ANNOYED! FRUSTRATED!

A combination of emotions that I am all to familiar with. A combination of emotions that I thought I had been able to free myself from a long time ago. Yet, a welcomed combination of emotions; so that I can continue to do for myself what I need to without placing myself in a situation where I am only setting myself up for failure.

I have been a pawn to so many others.... I have allowed others to treat me as they choose, without concern to me or my feelings... I have been tossed about like a rag doll to be mistreated and made to be a fool.

I had that combination of emotions to build myself a fortress to protect myself from the above. I was able to let go of the anger and frustration to be able to have happiness and joy and hope. However, it opened up a weak spot in my exterior.

I am going to continue to open my eyes every morning and take each day as it come at me. I will not allow obstacles to get in my way. I will not allow possibilities to crowd my thoughts. I will be me and hope it is all I need!

Will the random thoughts ever cease? I hope not!

Am I really that big of a cynic when it comes to love? I mean, I listened to a song today, first time ever hearing it and really I cracked up laughing! I laughed so hard. I had to listen to it again a few times just to makes sure I heard the words correctly! OH MY GOODNESS!!!!

Alright, so I am a hopeless romantic! I want kisses in the rain and little surprises that tell me he loves me and cuddling under a blanket on a porch watching it rain and kisses when we see each after even a short time and dancing for no reason even with out music.... YES.. My pathetic list goes on. I call it pathetic because I don't believe any and I mean ANY of it will ever happen.

I am so tainted by the negativity of relationships that I can't even for a moment acknowledge that anything positive could come from one.

Last night at midnight while at my best friend's house... all the sappy couples locked lips the moment the clock struck twelve and that ball dropped! Me, I tipped my drink up and woohoo'ed the New Year!!!

I think I need to step back and just adjust to the world around me. Let in the possibilities that I am in fact correct and for me (not others-just me) love is a crock!