Friday, September 18, 2009

Early morning mind madness

I do not write for the sympathy or the pity of others... I do not write to get other people to tell me how sorry they are for me. I write because I enjoy the artistic release with the occasional twinge of humor and entertainment. Usually I use my writing as my own attempt of therapy... my own deranged method of therapy... Hey there is no copay for that right??? Also, I find it better than beginning my day with a spiked OJ or numbing my senses with pills.

Well, this morning as I was trying to rest my eyes between getting my kids ready for school(there is a 2 hour span between when the bus picks Kyle up to when another bus picks Cadence up) my mind went off on one of its crazy rants. Maybe rant isn't the right word, perhaps a little harsh.

Well here we go:

I am just a little girl that is all wrapped up in the skin of a woman. No there is no mental disability just maybe an emotional one...hahaha

This morning I remembered a time when I was about 13 or so. I am sure that many of us remember that when we were that age the world revolved around us. Each one of us individually... if not for you, the world sure as hell revolved around me during my teenage years.

Well, of course, for just about every 13 year old girl there is ALWAYS a boy- this one was my latest heart throb crush. Or course at that time there was no other boy that I would ever love- Funny I can hardly remember what this kid looks like now. Well, I was majorly crushing (like there was any other way) on this boy and of course you tell your friends. There was one person who I thought I was friends with (wow I was stupid- or guess just young) ended up getting to go to this party (again... I was never allowed to leave me house) and while there she made out with him. Oh when I found out I wanted to die... I hated the world... it was crashing in around me and there was no reason to go on. Dramatic I know, I was 13 year old girl.

Naturally, my life was over. I was heart broken and so betrayed. (a sense of foreshadowing perhaps-something to look forward to in the future) I cried that whole day in my room. I sat in this one chair in room and sobbed and cried and acted like a major drama queen. My mother attempted to help in her way-although greatly unsuccessful.

"you're a beautiful girl- there is no need to cry over this."

"mom, you just don't get it... you don't understand" ( i mean we all know that our parents were never kids or teenagers)

"Honey, I was young once. There is no need to cry like this, if just shows weakness."

"I don't want you here right now- just go away- I want my dad!" (I am pretty sure this was the key moment of my mother turning on me)

I wasn't a daddy's girl by no means. Hell, I barely even knew my dad. But at that moment I knew what I wanted, and my dad was it. I wanted him to be sitting in that chair, in my room, with me curled up on his lap; my face buried in his chest-crying my eyes out. With his big daddy arms wrapped around me squeezing me to him, giving me a kiss on the top of my head.

I wanted to hear him tell me that boys are stupid- he wasn't good enough for me anyway-that no one ever will be. I wanted to have the one man who never lets his little girl down to be at my side right then at that moment. Granted there were many moments throughout my life... moments that only a fathers love and hug could help.

And even at 29 (getting all too close to 30) I still want my daddy.