Saturday, September 19, 2009

late night ramblings of the rambler

Life is such a funny thing. Yeah, I said it. I have gone back and forth between believing in fate. It comes and goes on whether I do or do not believe in this four letter word.

I used to believe that there was a plan set out for each person that has been created in this world. Not that each step has been planned out, but each fork in the road will always be there, waiting for the individual to come to it, to make a decision and then there is a set life to go from there, with more up and coming forks to cross. I have recently lost sight in this. I mean, I understand that we are designed to make our own choices, but society helps feed us what to do next. No, I am not trying to place blame for any of my actions, those I whole-heartily except as my own. Many not wise, while others the best choices I have ever made in my life.

I used to believe that there was a set destiny for each person. That there is a set design... a final place to hang our hats- however, over time I have learned that there is no way that is possible. We can everyday decide to take a left turn rather than a right turn.... or even the other way around. Not is set in stone... any little ripple can effect so much.

My ideas and thoughts about Karma were pretty much the same. I believed without a shadow of a doubt that you get what you dish out. Then I came to the decision, that there is NO way in hell that can be possible to the fullest extent. I know for a fact that I have not done anything so horrible to go through what I go through. I mean, how many people do you know to have a Breast cancer scare, viral meningitis, 2 bulging discs, severe colds and viruses all in one year... not to forget to mention the life I have led. I mean really??????

I have decided you have to make your own path... You have to make your own good fortune. The is no way around that. I mean, I know that I keep myself in the position that I am in, and it is my own fault, but WOW is it a slap in the face to have someone else point out to you just how stupid it is.

I don't point fingers at why I do what I do or why I stay where I stay. Granted, there are reasons behind why I feel the way I do, but none for why I don't act.

But life, proves to have its own little scheme everyday. The choices me make, bring people in and out of our lives in ways that are amazing.... The choices that one makes can bring in an unexpected person to become an absolute best friend.... or can take away someone that was held near to your heart.

I used to want a time machine to go back and change things from my past... to cut out the heart ache, to remove the pain, to dislodge the disgust.... But, I would not be half the woman I am today if I had not endured the experiences I have. I wouldn't have my perfect babies, I surely would not have the friends that I have.... To get rid of some pain.... would NOT be worth the loss of so many amazing and wonderful things.