Why didn't I come with a rewind function??

Where is the rewind button? Sometimes silence is the best way to go. In some cases, zipping your lips and forever holding your peace is what should be done.

When in the world did I forget these? When did I stop filtering the words that spew from my lips? I think this pressure cooker is filled to the max and things are just seeping out. But WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY did I have to allow those words to come from my mouth????

SIGH!!!

There is no way to hit a pause and rewind button. This is life! I wish that there was a way I could take it all back. A way to go back in time... oh man, that song just popped into my head! hahaha!

Where is my Delorean??? Where is my Doc??

Well... time to man up and be a big girl!!! Bring it on, world! I am ready to kick your ass!

is there something to learn here?

When does trying to stay optimistic just become a pathetic attempt to believe in something that isn't? At what point does thinking positive create a negative effect on a person?

I like to believe that each story has a purpose. That each moment in a person's life has been created for a reason. I, however, can not figure out how some situations come into play and create a stir of emotions, feeling, thoughts, anxieties, and well... everything/anything... Without being able to provide a reason.

My marriage was to give me 3 amazingly beautiful children. My husband cheating on me was to show me I was in the wrong relationship. His ability to make me feel like nothing was to teach me that NO person should have that power and that I am a kick ass person! Starting over was to prove to myself that I am capable of anything. Making new friends was to teach me that living again is possible.

Now... I understand there is always a lesson to be learned. Yet what I do not understand is how or even why it has to be taught. I, also, am well aware that not every lesson will be taught with rainbows and unicorns.

Currently I am trying to figure out why I am feeling a certain way or how it has even come to this point so quickly. I have been so torn with not being able to put a reason behind it. How is that possible? There has to be a reason! There is a reason for everything! What is this reasoning?

I have gone back and forth, up and down, in and out, all around! There is a reason behind this is and if that reason is evenly remotely close to the one I keep coming back to... I would to know how that is possible! Especially with all factors being considered.

Holy mother of a 5 year old, Batman

This time 5 years ago... 2005... I was a mother of a new bouncing baby boy... Kaleb Jason; 7 lbs 1oz 19 1/2in long. He had all ten fingers and all ten toes. The perfect lil' nose and beadiest eyes. The months leading up to the world greeting such a wonderful baby boy were crazy by far.

October 2005 Kaleb tried to shorten his stay in the lovely 98.6 degree all inclusive resort known as Château Mamma! With contractions and dilation taking place that, eager little bugger landed us a stay in the hospital. His sneaky stunt put me on bed rest for the next several weeks until it would be safe for him to come greet the world.

The next couple of months were uneventful for him and I, until we learned that his "due date" was moved up to Dec 17th instead of Dec. 25th. Well, this already momma of 2 wasn't going to allow him to done his birthday suit on Christmas.

The 19th came and went as did the 20th. We went to visit the midwife, where her and I decided that if this lil' bugger didn't make his grand appearance by the 22nd we would kicking him out. I went to bed that night, feeling pretty good!

OH NO!!! 5:26am I was awakened to some HORRIBLE pain. Not really time-able contractions, but damn it, if they weren't I was reaching in there and pulling him out by his legs. My screaming woke up his dad and he came into the room thinking it was time to get the others two ready for school.

We made it to the hospital at 6:00am on the nose and was sadly told on arrival that there was no epidural in my near future. No other pain meds either... I was in the worst pain imaginable and well I decided I could wait. He didn't have to come into the world just yet. Let me calm down and then I can get something to help with the pain.

Kaleb had other ideas. Kaleb said, SIKE... this all inclusive resort has become a boring stay and I am ready to moon you all!!!

The time was 6:29am and only 2 pushes passed, his slimy big head and little body came flying out to squawk at us all!

Oh the pain was unbearable but worth it on so many levels. Yes, I would do it again and again!!

Today, that slimy lil' ball of fire turned 5. 5 amazing years old and already full of his own shining personality!!!

I sure do love my Kabub!!!!

hmmmm.....

I am going to be 31 in two short months. Now, I don't care about age. It is merely a number. To me it really doesn't mean much. Yes, I guess in some areas of my life (like planning for retirement-which doesn't often cross my mind) I should be more concerned with it, but well, I'm just not.

Yet, as my next birthday sneaks it's way into existence I have come to think of things that I once thought I would have accomplished by the time I was 30 or at least things I should have known about.

However, I am not where I had planned to be all those years ago! Am I unhappy about that? No! Yes, I was married and I do have 3 beautiful and amazing children. I was unhappily married for sure. I do not ever one day in my life regret the decision I made to move forward and free myself from a marriage that was slowly dragging me down.

However, being 3o, I figured if I didn't know it all, I would be pretty damned close to figuring it all out. WOW! Was I wrong!!! I am no closer to knowing anything about even the slightest something, than I was 10... 15... 20 years ago!

With age come wisdom... I want to meet the dope who came up with that!

disappointment or no

Is it silly of me to have hope in something? That maybe just maybe after some time life can go in a direction that I want it to? I don't usually get the feeling that maybe just maybe... but it's there. Am I setting myself up for disappointment? I do have that tendency. Yet for some reason, I have this feeling.... AAAAAAAHHHHHH

Filled with Happiness...

I am filled with the spirit of Christmas! Oh the joy and happiness I have coursing through my veins just makes me smile from ear to ear!!!

I ventured out to do some shopping... Always the last minute shopper so this is still early for me! haha... Well, I had expected to come across a hoard of angry bitter people, but I believe that the spirit is in us all! So many wonderfully polite people!

Well, even the little old lady walked up to me at the store and said, "Oh God Bless you honey! Three little ones and one on the way!" I just smiled and wished her a Merry Christmas as well. But really??? For starters I have been losing way... Secondly... I had a tiny little belly bump. That's it, just from having just having finished eating. Still find it funny!

I love shopping for gifts for others. I love to give! It makes my heart smile! I could have just kept on shopping all day and all night if it weren't for needing money to do so! hahahaha!!!

To top off my wonderful day of shopping, the kids and I are watching Jim Carrey's A Christmas Carol. I love this movie!!! A great night with my babies makes this mamma a happy lady!!!

Wake up sleepy, Jean...

Dreams sure can really mess with the mind. I am prone to having nightmares which would explain why I would rather not sleep some nights. Last night I went to sleep thinking about how hungry I was and how I wanted food! I thought maybe, just maybe that would have been what I dreamt about… Boy was I wrong.

My night was filled with dreams that well, in all wonderful circumstances would have been AMAZING! I dreamt of things that I want out of life. A life of happiness, a man who would love me (without causing me pain), a loving home… Being in the house and he comes home to kiss me hello. Sitting in the backyard watching him play with our children, while I care for the newest little addition. Sitting together just talking about everything or just being in each other arms. A life of simple pleasures!

In today’s day and age, I am sure that all I long for is a mere fantasy… a storybook ending… the fairytale happily ever after. These things don’t usually take place any longer. They are just what they were last night, all a dream!!!

It is a lovely thought though. Thinking that you are so important to someone else, which makes me think of something another mom said the other day about her husband. (Why yes, yes I am random!) We were all talking about relationships and how we have been made to feel. I and one other mom are the divorced one of the group so we didn’t have pleasant stories to tell! Hahaha… Yet, the one mom said she loves her husband so much, but that she doesn’t feel like she is the most important person in his life. That when they had kids, she went from being number 1 to being 3^rd place in his heart. Everything revolves around them.

I tried to explain how many parents see things. That once you have children, yes things change. That is a given. Those tiny little babies consume your life. That the love for your child is so different than the love you have for your spouse. That maybe she should tell him that she needs just a little reminder here or there that he does in fact still love her.

Then I started to think… I am a single mom with 3 kids. Yes, one day I want to find my Knight in Shining Armor, not just some whack job wrapped in tin foil riding a donkey. When I do find him he will understand that the love for my children is strong and no matter what it always will be. As, a parent I know that if he were to have children of his own, I would never want to replace them in his heart.

Now that Bon Jovi’s “Keep the Faith” is playing over and over in my mind… I will keep the faith that one day I will find him and I can have that dream come true reality! (ok ok… now that I am done laughing at my own fantasy, I will be on my way)

I wanna hippopotamus for Christmas

dated: December 16th...

I wanna hippopotamus for Christmas… Only a hippopotamus will do…. Yes, that was me singing! Hahaha… What else can you do when you come home after a long day at work, worried that your baby boy has been sick for 6 days, thinking that you need a vacation from the entire world (not without your kiddos) to find it is raining in your garage.

No, not raining men! That would have been an early Christmas present. Hahaha… It was raining. I sat in my car for a few moments trying to understand what in the hell I was looking at… what in the hell was going on and why there was what looked like a sprinkler system going off over a pool of water in the garage!

Well, after my initial shock, I got out of my car, almost slipped on the ice in my driveway (which by the way can’t be shoveled when you don’t own a shovel hahahaha) to go and venture into the garage and see why there is a rain forest scene in front of my eyes.

AH, SON OF A BITCH! Are you kidding me!?!?! A burst pipe. Damnit to hell! REALLY?!?!?!

Those were my thoughts! My poor mind… it is on over load!!!! After the week I have had: my sick bambino, my lack of sleep, playing catch up from missing work Tuesday afternoon, staying up late working from home, emotional stress, aaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!

There is a monsoon in my garage! OH SHIT… the house… I take off splashing through the mini pool in my garage to get inside. OH MAN!!! The floor is filled in the laundry room! OH FUDGE (you know that is not what I was saying) the walls! They are soaked!!! Oh sweet Jesus… how do I turn this off… who do I call… there is water everywhere.

I called the landlord, left him a message, which probably sounded like a baby monkey calling for its mother. I ran back inside to look around like a babbling buffoon to shut off the water. After what felt like an eternity did I find the valve (and on the 1^st try I must say) I shut that damned rain forest off!

My laundry room, the downstairs bathroom, and the garage filled with water. The walls are all wet and I am sure they will need to be replaced or risk mold.

I started singing some Bob Marley and then decided that Damnit, Santa better be bringing me what I want for Christmas!!!

lights, camera, NO action

It sure has been awhile since I have posted often. This usually means I have so much on my mind that I have no where but here to spew it all out.

It is no secret that I am not a fan of allowing myself to cry. In fact I despise when I cry and when I can't seem to stop the tears from falling.

These past few days have been an all time low for me. I haven't been able to control my emotions any at all and really can't believe it. I know that there are times that feeling a certain way is what the body needs at that moment; yet, why can't I just protect myself ALL THE TIME!?

Damnit!

I have been questioning the genetic and moral making of men lately. How they can even been classified in the same species as women. Oh, please don't get me wrong... Women can be just as nasty and hateful and ignorant and stupid as any man any day... It's just that, why do men think the way they do?

Why does a man think it's ok to do or say some of the things he does? I am a firm believer of saying what you mean and meaning what you say. (You don't experience the things I have and learn nothing.) Also, the belief that actions speak louder than words.

A friend of mine and I have been having this conversation for months. She and I seem to always be in similar situations at the same time and all too often we have a story that involves the moronic behaviors of a man.

If you are going to "talk" to someone and tell them things that well are taken in a certain way, do not expect them to think you don't mean them. Even if you do mean them, don't say them if you can't act on them. Lack of action screams what you mean!

Trust me on that one! I was at fault for a lack of action years ago... And you know what... It sucked but I really couldn't be happier with the way things turned out. For all parties involved. When you choose a lack of action over what you are saying, you can be damned sure I can see right through you.

I know... women do this all the time... I am guilty of it and know many women who are as well!

Maybe i just need sleep... that might shut me up!

to smile or not to smile... that is the question

Do you ever just have that undeniable urge to smile? Someone crosses your mind and you smile. There is no control... it just sneaks it's way across your lips and lights up your face. No matter how hard you try to fight it, it is just there.

Today, I have that uncontrollable urge. No matter what... no matter how many times I play through the possibilities... no matter how many times I tell myself to stop... The smile lingers.

No, I am not demented. I love to smile! It just makes me nervous knowing that someone else is the cause of my smile. (we are all aware that I am not speaking of my children... I can never smile enough because of them)

So the question is asked... Do I allow myself to be taken over by my smile or do I continue to protect myself???

Joint parties... maybe not the best idea

My lil man is going to be 5 years old in just 10 days. Wow... I still can't believe he is going to be such a big boy! Where did the time fly?

Well, my ex and I decided that we were going to have a joint birthday party. We figured that since we were able to get along, our families should be able to commingle. Well, it was at his home (which used to be our home) and I was alright with that.

Let me start off with I am already an emotional wreck and have been for about a week now. So, the start of my day was terrible to begin with because I had so many things holding me up to get to the house to help prepare. By the time I did get there, everything was done. I lost it, break down of tears #1. I didn't decorate, I didn't cook, I did nothing. I was disgusted with myself.

I leave to go and pick up the cake and some balloons, and the moment I get in my car, I lose it again, break down of tears #2. I cry the whole way to the store, sobbing like a fool to my wonderful sis(inlaw). I go in get the few things left to get and get a call from my mom, asking how I was holding up. I start telling her how upset I am and that today is going to be tough, break down #3.

I clean my face get the cake and hit the road. Ok, I think... I have this out of my system now. I will be fine from here out.

I get back... waiting around for people to come. Damn it... must run to powder room for break down #4. OKAY! Now I have to be alright. People are coming! My mom gets there takes one look at me and just hugs me.

Ok, more people arrive... My ex's father... and his Aunt, and a few of his other relatives. What do you think happened next... Oh, well the ignorant individuals treated me as though I was non-existent. Yes, you read that correctly! They didn't even speak to me. After everything I have ever done for these people. The love I have given them and their family. I wasn't the one cheating!

Well, you guessed it break down #5. Outside I went. Better, in I went... to be told that MY dad called my ex to let him know he was going to be late. MY dad... sorry... yup break down #6. Now, I am just getting annoyed that I have cried so much in one day.

Well... fast forward and I will just say I cried about 4 or 5 more times. Over stupid shit, too!

I am just in shock over the way I was treated. I have never been so rude to people in my life. These were people I called my family! So.... the next few weeks and the holiday's are not going to be easy for me.

I am drinking entirely too much coffee and going to clean my house to prepare for being with my babies again!

What was i thinking...

It's that not good enough feeling....

Broken and shattered

Pieces littered all around

Jagged and misshapen

Cutting deeper on each touch

A heart once beating

Only bleeding now....

I once felt that was all I would ever feel... Then I seen the light, the silver lining in life... then I decided to take a look back into my past. WTF was I thinking???

I haven't stopped crying... I haven't wanted to this time. The pain is too unbearable. Everything crashing on me and I just don't know what to make of it! I have been through enough, ya know! I thought I had spent enough nights in such horrid pain. It this why no matter what I do now, I can't seem to get past this fucking pattern? Is what happened, and what I did, what I hesitated on, the cause for what I live now?

Is this some cruel joke? I have Pandora on right now (don't know what it is- google it) every single damn song it killing me!

Such big plans for such young kids!! All these letters and pictures and promises and dreams and hopes and plans.....

I learned something... leave the past in the past!

9 days....

I closed my eyes today... and the same image kept coming to mind. Have you ever had a day where you couldn't concentrate because you mind was running rampant with thoughts that have completely taken over??? I have been this way for the past two days now!

Yet, it has led me to think about something I hadn't in a really long time. I had the privilege of meeting an amazing woman years ago... I would say pretty close to 6 to 7 years ago. I had only met her that once, it was a chance encounter, we happened to be at the same restaurant one night.

It was not long after I had found out about him cheating on me again... and I was done... (hahaha-yeah right)! I was devastated because I just didn't know what was wrong with me. Why he didn't want me. Thinking back, thank god he didn't want me!

Well, she seen a look on my face and I confided in her. A complete stranger!! She was like a little angel sent down to be there for me at that moment. I told her my story and my pain. She hugged me, a total stranger... filled with compassion for this simple distraught girl.

She told me her first marriage ended that way. He was a lying cheating bleep bleep and she couldn't be made to feel like nothing anymore. She left him. They had no children so it was easier, but she struggled everyday with it. Then she told me (the part that sticks out the most) that she was done no longer living. She was ready to live again and stop waiting for life to do something for her.

She went on a trip and met a man. They were married 9 days later. 9 days!!! That was it. She said she knew by the end of that first night, she was going to marry that man. She said he told her the same thing, years later. When I met her all those years ago, she and her husband were married for 21 years. She told me she loved him more and more everyday. She also told me that no matter what, how terrifying something may seem, how bad you have been hurt in the past, and no matter how hard it is to do so... Do not ever stop living!!

I think about her every now and then, I remember her fondly. She was a shining star and to this day her story has given me hope that no matter what lies ahead, so long as I move forward without reservation, I will be OK.

I have had some whirlwind events take place recently that have me lost in thought. I can't come to a decision and I don't know in which direction I should travel. It is moments like these I realize how weak I am. How something can take told of me and I just let it.

I have two paths ahead of me... Which to take, I don't know. Either way, I fear pain will follow. Am I willing to take a chance... Absolutely!

The best kind... dysfunctional!!!

I do believe I have had the best weekend EVER!!!

There is an indoor water park near Cedar Point; Kalahari. I have never been, and neither have my kids. Well, we went; along with 5 other families from Kyle's traveling soccer team. I couldn't have gone with a more fabulous group of people! We had the time of our lives!

I noticed this past weekend just how much Kyle has evolved. What I mean by that, is he has come out of his shell so much since he joined this team. I seen a change in him, a change that as a mother I am thrilled!

He participates and laughs and plays and is noticeably happier! Not only was this a great trip, but it was also something that he needed. He has a collection of brothers!!!

I sat back today and watched him... watched him hanging out with the boys! It was the best thing I have ever seen. I also realized how each of us, moms, have another 12 kids to love... along with their brothers and sisters! We are one giant dysfunctional family... The best kind!!!

One proud Mama!!!!

I took the kids to dinner tonight! Kyle and I were discussing how his one friend isn't the best influence and I was informing him of the things he will lose if he shows any signs of acting like this boy he is friends with. Kyle mentioned how this boy is always lying and well Cadence chimed in.

She mentioned that a lot of her friends also lie. She told me her bestest friend lies all the time. She said to me, "Mommy, she lied today! She kept saying that she is stupid!" I asked her if that is what she said.

She told that she looked at her friend and told her, "You are not stupid! You are very smart!" Cadence told me it made her sad that her friend thinks she is stupid. She doesn't know why should would ever say it, but she has talks with her to make sure she knows that she is not stupid. She even told me that she brings in another friend too... so that they can both tell her.

It made me so proud to be her mother... I am proud to be the mother of all three of them!!!