Thursday, December 9, 2010

What was i thinking...

It's that not good enough feeling....

Broken and shattered
Pieces littered all around
Jagged and misshapen
Cutting deeper on each touch
A heart once beating
Only bleeding now....

I once felt that was all I would ever feel... Then I seen the light, the silver lining in life... then I decided to take a look back into my past. WTF was I thinking???

I haven't stopped crying... I haven't wanted to this time. The pain is too unbearable. Everything crashing on me and I just don't know what to make of it! I have been through enough, ya know! I thought I had spent enough nights in such horrid pain. It this why no matter what I do now, I can't seem to get past this fucking pattern? Is what happened, and what I did, what I hesitated on, the cause for what I live now?

Is this some cruel joke? I have Pandora on right now (don't know what it is- google it) every single damn song it killing me!

Such big plans for such young kids!! All these letters and pictures and promises and dreams and hopes and plans.....

I learned something... leave the past in the past!


Kari said...

I'm a lurker....sorry, this is the first time I have left a comment. I am so sorry you sound like you are in so much pain tonight. I wish I could say something to make it better, but I know the pain you are in. I am a mother of 3 myself and I went through a divorce, it was awful and horrible, but it gets better. It was the best decision I ever made. I spent many nights feeling like you do now, I hurt, I was angry, I was sad, I was exhausted...I was so many things I can't even put it into words. Today I am stronger because of it, I am happier because of it and I am more alive because of it. You will come through this in one piece....even when it doesn't feel like it, you will. Take care! My blog is private but if you would like to be added just email me.