Tuesday, March 3, 2009

My heart is breaking....

I had once started a blog about something that happened to me not to long ago. Yet, I didn't finish it or post it because it was done out of haste and anger. Now it is different I feel my heart breaking.

I know that the majority of, if not all families, have their own level of dysfunction. I am not claiming to top the charts because I know there are far worse. I am just at a loss. I guess I should have seen it coming, but never thought it would. I will give you some back ground first.

I am far from being an only child. My mother has three others, my father has two others, and I have two step-brothers (that are my brothers thru and thru). Out of all of them I have 5 older siblings and 2 younger ones. Each one has their own story.

My oldest sister is a drama lover with a drug and alcohol problem. I have been there for her as much as I can be. Until she became more than a negative influence for my children. They are my life and I will limit out what I can to protect them.

My oldest brother has major anger issues (can't blame him) and is not healthy. He married a magnificent woman whom I am proud to call my sister (inlaw) and they were blessed with a beautiful daughter that I love as much as my own child.

My next to oldest sister is a wonderful woman with whom I have been honored to get to know better and become closer too. She also has two amazing beautiful daughters which I also love as much as i do my own children.

The other two older brothers live their own lives as best as can be and I love them deeply. One has a girlfriend who has tried to take him away from his family, yet we don't let go so easily.

My younger brother is an amazing man with two beautiful children of his own, a son and a daughter who are loved as equally as the others.

Then there is my younger sister, the youngest of them all. She also has her own issues and difficultly being an adult in the harsh world that we live in. She was also blessed with amazing little girl that I love so deeply as though she were my own.

My youngest sister is the one with which i have the most problems. To her the world must revolve around her or there will be hell to pay. Everyone must do as she says and be at her beck and call at all times. I have grown to accept that about her. I love her-just as i love everyone of my other siblings.

However, even since the beginning or at least as far as I can remember we have been oil and water. We are each at the opposite end of the spectrum and have completely different views on life. However, I would be there for her for any reason possible. And I have been.

Yet, when I am unable to accommodate her for any reason at all, she will claim I am dead to her and start a fight. One that our mother is brought into and will always side with my sister. It is the truth and many could vouch for that. I am not trying to mud sling-it is just the plain truth that is obvious to many inside and outside of the family.

Recently I was unable to keep my niece (my youngest sister daughter) over night because I had prior engagements. I had other nieces staying with me and I had other plans. So, I had to decline watching her this one time (i have had her many other times without reservation). This incident turned into a war within my family. It has turned things completely upside down. The day after I told her I couldn't (even after having told her for weeks before I couldn't) she began to become crazed with rage and decided to drag our mother into her pits of fire. I was ambushed that day, which happened to be my daughter and nephews joint birthday party. First my mother called asking me why I was so heartless. Then my sister began to text me that I was dead to her and that I was trash as were all of my friends. She continued to say things like Just because we will be in the same building gives you no right to speak to me. I tried to explain to her that I wasn't going to have this, especially on that day, and that if she couldn't behave like an adult for a few hours then not to come to the party.

Well, that turned into an all out hate fest. It has been almost a month since then and my mother felt the need to bring it up to me today. She called me heartless, coldhearted, spiteful and hateful. She brought things that happened years ago and were resolved.

For instance, my first year in my house I hosted Easter dinner. I had my family (both sides) and my husbands family. The thought was a bit overwhelming, but I hoped for it to work. I have my younger sister who is a bit obnoxious and a brother in law on my husband's side who is just as bad. The two of them together was a bit terrifying. Well, it turned out there was a fight after all. Well, my brother in law did the best thing and decided to leave. Well... that is when the drama started. My sister claimed he tried to run her over. I was there and that did NOT happen. I would have hunted him down if it would have. But it didn't. I swear on my life as well as the lives of my three children that didn't happen. Yet, that is what my sister claimed and my mother believed it.

Well, that turned into a long 6 month or longer feud. This included my mother telling me that she wanted to abort me and that if it weren't for my father she would have. Have you ever been told something so painful? Let me tell you that it felt like all the oxygen was sucked from the air and I was dying. Yet, I moved past it. I didn't and never will forget it, but I was able to move beyond and repair my relationship with my mother and eventually my sister.

Well, today my mother brought up this situation by trying to state that I never stick up for my sister. However, I stick up for her as much as humanly possible. (outside of accepting her to dress like a whore in front of my 8 year old son who notices everything)

She also brought up something today that really hurt-it will be another day for me to go into that. I have tried to be as adult about this as I can. I have not said anything outside of my normal speech to put them down or disown them in anyway. I love them both with all my heart, but I don't think that is enough anymore. There is no hope for making something work when more than one has to keep it going.

I know this is long, so I will end it now. I just feel hopeless at this point. Until another time... much love to you all.


Jennie said...

It's like I said earlier...fuck em'. You can't make everybody happy. And hell, who even really wants to make everyone happy. Then we wouldn't have anything to talk about? You answer to yourself and God...not your mother or your freaking sister.

Let them stew in their own anger. They are only hurting themselves. They have hurt you've paid your dues...let them be. (Or I might have the get evil).

Jen said...

Oh god...don't make Jennie get all evil on people. She has offered to do that for me before too. I have thought about it...might be good for a laugh.

However, I do agree with Jennie...I don't know the whole story here with your family, but I do agree that you can't make everybody happy. You have to do what is right for you.

Hope everything works out!