Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Not what I was expecting....

This is of my dad, my sister Michelle and I. I love this picture.
My doctor appointment was today. Well, it was going nice and normal like. Then came the breast exam. There was a nurse practitioner there today... so she did my exams. She started with the right and quickly moved to the left... Well, she keep going back and forth. She started to ask if I felt a lump. I told her I had but not in the area she was checking at that moment.

I told her where I felt it, she checked there and was like, Oh yeah I feel that one too. I it is larger than this one. So, my doc started to check. The conversation began with when i noticed this. I let them know when and why I had waited. Then told her that I thought it was a clogged duct.. but not sure if that was possible. She said it was unlikely. Although they do follow along the duct. Then she felt around a little more. Told me that the breast was full, thicker and noticeably heavier. Those were words I didn't want to hear.

I have been doing research and everything I have read tells me those are all signs of cancer. She said she wasn't too too concerned, but just to make sure I have to have an ultrasound. That is scheduled for this afternoon. No waiting on this... I was going to but, Jennie told me NO...

She said her concern was with the fullness, heaviness and thickness I have. That as long as on the results are ok, she will see me in 3 months to make sure there are no changes. She will call me regardless of the results to just give me piece of mind.

I was going there today expecting to hear, oh that is fine... those are normal or even I don't feel anything at all. I am a little uneasy to say the least.. but all together trying to keep the positive attitude. I am still young... although, that isn't a full proof theory these days.

I mean I have plenty of the signs.... weight gain, smoker, family history, poor diet... and now the thickness, fullness, and heaviness. I guess it is just my natural fear seeping.. but that is normal. If I weren't worried at all I would question that.

I have been thinking alot about it. I mean, if it is something cancerous. I would have to get it removed with a possible masecetomy or double masecetomy. I was talking with Jennie, today... I was thinking if I had to .... I would have a going away party... A memorial or wake of sorts for my poor boob. It's last hoorah! Sounds silly, but something that I think may make it easier for me to deal with. That once that happened and I would have to start chemo... I would just right off the bat shave my head. I can't just let my hair fall out. I couldn't do that. The thought terrifies me. I know that sounds vain... but not really.

I know that I am going to the extreme, but it is better to be prepared right? Well, I am probably just getting all worked up over nothing at all. Life is a tricky thing.... there are so many obstacles to tackle and overcome... I believe I am a strong enough woman to deal with it.

Once I used to think that I would just go thru it without telling anyone. I would just do it on my own... I couldn't and wouldn't do that. That is not the healthy or wise thing to do at all. The fear would eat me alive. I think I have a great support team regardless of what I go through.

Well, until another time... much love to you all!


Jen said...

I hope everything turns out well for you. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you here in Michigan.