Why didn't I come with a rewind function??

Where is the rewind button? Sometimes silence is the best way to go. In some cases, zipping your lips and forever holding your peace is what should be done.

When in the world did I forget these? When did I stop filtering the words that spew from my lips? I think this pressure cooker is filled to the max and things are just seeping out. But WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY did I have to allow those words to come from my mouth????

SIGH!!!

There is no way to hit a pause and rewind button. This is life! I wish that there was a way I could take it all back. A way to go back in time... oh man, that song just popped into my head! hahaha!

Where is my Delorean??? Where is my Doc??

Well... time to man up and be a big girl!!! Bring it on, world! I am ready to kick your ass!

is there something to learn here?

When does trying to stay optimistic just become a pathetic attempt to believe in something that isn't? At what point does thinking positive create a negative effect on a person?

I like to believe that each story has a purpose. That each moment in a person's life has been created for a reason. I, however, can not figure out how some situations come into play and create a stir of emotions, feeling, thoughts, anxieties, and well... everything/anything... Without being able to provide a reason.

My marriage was to give me 3 amazingly beautiful children. My husband cheating on me was to show me I was in the wrong relationship. His ability to make me feel like nothing was to teach me that NO person should have that power and that I am a kick ass person! Starting over was to prove to myself that I am capable of anything. Making new friends was to teach me that living again is possible.

Now... I understand there is always a lesson to be learned. Yet what I do not understand is how or even why it has to be taught. I, also, am well aware that not every lesson will be taught with rainbows and unicorns.

Currently I am trying to figure out why I am feeling a certain way or how it has even come to this point so quickly. I have been so torn with not being able to put a reason behind it. How is that possible? There has to be a reason! There is a reason for everything! What is this reasoning?

I have gone back and forth, up and down, in and out, all around! There is a reason behind this is and if that reason is evenly remotely close to the one I keep coming back to... I would to know how that is possible! Especially with all factors being considered.

Holy mother of a 5 year old, Batman

This time 5 years ago... 2005... I was a mother of a new bouncing baby boy... Kaleb Jason; 7 lbs 1oz 19 1/2in long. He had all ten fingers and all ten toes. The perfect lil' nose and beadiest eyes. The months leading up to the world greeting such a wonderful baby boy were crazy by far.

October 2005 Kaleb tried to shorten his stay in the lovely 98.6 degree all inclusive resort known as Château Mamma! With contractions and dilation taking place that, eager little bugger landed us a stay in the hospital. His sneaky stunt put me on bed rest for the next several weeks until it would be safe for him to come greet the world.

The next couple of months were uneventful for him and I, until we learned that his "due date" was moved up to Dec 17th instead of Dec. 25th. Well, this already momma of 2 wasn't going to allow him to done his birthday suit on Christmas.

The 19th came and went as did the 20th. We went to visit the midwife, where her and I decided that if this lil' bugger didn't make his grand appearance by the 22nd we would kicking him out. I went to bed that night, feeling pretty good!

OH NO!!! 5:26am I was awakened to some HORRIBLE pain. Not really time-able contractions, but damn it, if they weren't I was reaching in there and pulling him out by his legs. My screaming woke up his dad and he came into the room thinking it was time to get the others two ready for school.

We made it to the hospital at 6:00am on the nose and was sadly told on arrival that there was no epidural in my near future. No other pain meds either... I was in the worst pain imaginable and well I decided I could wait. He didn't have to come into the world just yet. Let me calm down and then I can get something to help with the pain.

Kaleb had other ideas. Kaleb said, SIKE... this all inclusive resort has become a boring stay and I am ready to moon you all!!!

The time was 6:29am and only 2 pushes passed, his slimy big head and little body came flying out to squawk at us all!

Oh the pain was unbearable but worth it on so many levels. Yes, I would do it again and again!!

Today, that slimy lil' ball of fire turned 5. 5 amazing years old and already full of his own shining personality!!!

I sure do love my Kabub!!!!

hmmmm.....

I am going to be 31 in two short months. Now, I don't care about age. It is merely a number. To me it really doesn't mean much. Yes, I guess in some areas of my life (like planning for retirement-which doesn't often cross my mind) I should be more concerned with it, but well, I'm just not.

Yet, as my next birthday sneaks it's way into existence I have come to think of things that I once thought I would have accomplished by the time I was 30 or at least things I should have known about.

However, I am not where I had planned to be all those years ago! Am I unhappy about that? No! Yes, I was married and I do have 3 beautiful and amazing children. I was unhappily married for sure. I do not ever one day in my life regret the decision I made to move forward and free myself from a marriage that was slowly dragging me down.

However, being 3o, I figured if I didn't know it all, I would be pretty damned close to figuring it all out. WOW! Was I wrong!!! I am no closer to knowing anything about even the slightest something, than I was 10... 15... 20 years ago!

With age come wisdom... I want to meet the dope who came up with that!

disappointment or no

Is it silly of me to have hope in something? That maybe just maybe after some time life can go in a direction that I want it to? I don't usually get the feeling that maybe just maybe... but it's there. Am I setting myself up for disappointment? I do have that tendency. Yet for some reason, I have this feeling.... AAAAAAAHHHHHH

Filled with Happiness...

I am filled with the spirit of Christmas! Oh the joy and happiness I have coursing through my veins just makes me smile from ear to ear!!!

I ventured out to do some shopping... Always the last minute shopper so this is still early for me! haha... Well, I had expected to come across a hoard of angry bitter people, but I believe that the spirit is in us all! So many wonderfully polite people!

Well, even the little old lady walked up to me at the store and said, "Oh God Bless you honey! Three little ones and one on the way!" I just smiled and wished her a Merry Christmas as well. But really??? For starters I have been losing way... Secondly... I had a tiny little belly bump. That's it, just from having just having finished eating. Still find it funny!

I love shopping for gifts for others. I love to give! It makes my heart smile! I could have just kept on shopping all day and all night if it weren't for needing money to do so! hahahaha!!!

To top off my wonderful day of shopping, the kids and I are watching Jim Carrey's A Christmas Carol. I love this movie!!! A great night with my babies makes this mamma a happy lady!!!

Wake up sleepy, Jean...

Dreams sure can really mess with the mind. I am prone to having nightmares which would explain why I would rather not sleep some nights. Last night I went to sleep thinking about how hungry I was and how I wanted food! I thought maybe, just maybe that would have been what I dreamt about… Boy was I wrong.

My night was filled with dreams that well, in all wonderful circumstances would have been AMAZING! I dreamt of things that I want out of life. A life of happiness, a man who would love me (without causing me pain), a loving home… Being in the house and he comes home to kiss me hello. Sitting in the backyard watching him play with our children, while I care for the newest little addition. Sitting together just talking about everything or just being in each other arms. A life of simple pleasures!

In today’s day and age, I am sure that all I long for is a mere fantasy… a storybook ending… the fairytale happily ever after. These things don’t usually take place any longer. They are just what they were last night, all a dream!!!

It is a lovely thought though. Thinking that you are so important to someone else, which makes me think of something another mom said the other day about her husband. (Why yes, yes I am random!) We were all talking about relationships and how we have been made to feel. I and one other mom are the divorced one of the group so we didn’t have pleasant stories to tell! Hahaha… Yet, the one mom said she loves her husband so much, but that she doesn’t feel like she is the most important person in his life. That when they had kids, she went from being number 1 to being 3^rd place in his heart. Everything revolves around them.

I tried to explain how many parents see things. That once you have children, yes things change. That is a given. Those tiny little babies consume your life. That the love for your child is so different than the love you have for your spouse. That maybe she should tell him that she needs just a little reminder here or there that he does in fact still love her.

Then I started to think… I am a single mom with 3 kids. Yes, one day I want to find my Knight in Shining Armor, not just some whack job wrapped in tin foil riding a donkey. When I do find him he will understand that the love for my children is strong and no matter what it always will be. As, a parent I know that if he were to have children of his own, I would never want to replace them in his heart.

Now that Bon Jovi’s “Keep the Faith” is playing over and over in my mind… I will keep the faith that one day I will find him and I can have that dream come true reality! (ok ok… now that I am done laughing at my own fantasy, I will be on my way)

I wanna hippopotamus for Christmas

dated: December 16th...

I wanna hippopotamus for Christmas… Only a hippopotamus will do…. Yes, that was me singing! Hahaha… What else can you do when you come home after a long day at work, worried that your baby boy has been sick for 6 days, thinking that you need a vacation from the entire world (not without your kiddos) to find it is raining in your garage.

No, not raining men! That would have been an early Christmas present. Hahaha… It was raining. I sat in my car for a few moments trying to understand what in the hell I was looking at… what in the hell was going on and why there was what looked like a sprinkler system going off over a pool of water in the garage!

Well, after my initial shock, I got out of my car, almost slipped on the ice in my driveway (which by the way can’t be shoveled when you don’t own a shovel hahahaha) to go and venture into the garage and see why there is a rain forest scene in front of my eyes.

AH, SON OF A BITCH! Are you kidding me!?!?! A burst pipe. Damnit to hell! REALLY?!?!?!

Those were my thoughts! My poor mind… it is on over load!!!! After the week I have had: my sick bambino, my lack of sleep, playing catch up from missing work Tuesday afternoon, staying up late working from home, emotional stress, aaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!

There is a monsoon in my garage! OH SHIT… the house… I take off splashing through the mini pool in my garage to get inside. OH MAN!!! The floor is filled in the laundry room! OH FUDGE (you know that is not what I was saying) the walls! They are soaked!!! Oh sweet Jesus… how do I turn this off… who do I call… there is water everywhere.

I called the landlord, left him a message, which probably sounded like a baby monkey calling for its mother. I ran back inside to look around like a babbling buffoon to shut off the water. After what felt like an eternity did I find the valve (and on the 1^st try I must say) I shut that damned rain forest off!

My laundry room, the downstairs bathroom, and the garage filled with water. The walls are all wet and I am sure they will need to be replaced or risk mold.

I started singing some Bob Marley and then decided that Damnit, Santa better be bringing me what I want for Christmas!!!

lights, camera, NO action

It sure has been awhile since I have posted often. This usually means I have so much on my mind that I have no where but here to spew it all out.

It is no secret that I am not a fan of allowing myself to cry. In fact I despise when I cry and when I can't seem to stop the tears from falling.

These past few days have been an all time low for me. I haven't been able to control my emotions any at all and really can't believe it. I know that there are times that feeling a certain way is what the body needs at that moment; yet, why can't I just protect myself ALL THE TIME!?

Damnit!

I have been questioning the genetic and moral making of men lately. How they can even been classified in the same species as women. Oh, please don't get me wrong... Women can be just as nasty and hateful and ignorant and stupid as any man any day... It's just that, why do men think the way they do?

Why does a man think it's ok to do or say some of the things he does? I am a firm believer of saying what you mean and meaning what you say. (You don't experience the things I have and learn nothing.) Also, the belief that actions speak louder than words.

A friend of mine and I have been having this conversation for months. She and I seem to always be in similar situations at the same time and all too often we have a story that involves the moronic behaviors of a man.

If you are going to "talk" to someone and tell them things that well are taken in a certain way, do not expect them to think you don't mean them. Even if you do mean them, don't say them if you can't act on them. Lack of action screams what you mean!

Trust me on that one! I was at fault for a lack of action years ago... And you know what... It sucked but I really couldn't be happier with the way things turned out. For all parties involved. When you choose a lack of action over what you are saying, you can be damned sure I can see right through you.

I know... women do this all the time... I am guilty of it and know many women who are as well!

Maybe i just need sleep... that might shut me up!

to smile or not to smile... that is the question

Do you ever just have that undeniable urge to smile? Someone crosses your mind and you smile. There is no control... it just sneaks it's way across your lips and lights up your face. No matter how hard you try to fight it, it is just there.

Today, I have that uncontrollable urge. No matter what... no matter how many times I play through the possibilities... no matter how many times I tell myself to stop... The smile lingers.

No, I am not demented. I love to smile! It just makes me nervous knowing that someone else is the cause of my smile. (we are all aware that I am not speaking of my children... I can never smile enough because of them)

So the question is asked... Do I allow myself to be taken over by my smile or do I continue to protect myself???

Joint parties... maybe not the best idea

My lil man is going to be 5 years old in just 10 days. Wow... I still can't believe he is going to be such a big boy! Where did the time fly?

Well, my ex and I decided that we were going to have a joint birthday party. We figured that since we were able to get along, our families should be able to commingle. Well, it was at his home (which used to be our home) and I was alright with that.

Let me start off with I am already an emotional wreck and have been for about a week now. So, the start of my day was terrible to begin with because I had so many things holding me up to get to the house to help prepare. By the time I did get there, everything was done. I lost it, break down of tears #1. I didn't decorate, I didn't cook, I did nothing. I was disgusted with myself.

I leave to go and pick up the cake and some balloons, and the moment I get in my car, I lose it again, break down of tears #2. I cry the whole way to the store, sobbing like a fool to my wonderful sis(inlaw). I go in get the few things left to get and get a call from my mom, asking how I was holding up. I start telling her how upset I am and that today is going to be tough, break down #3.

I clean my face get the cake and hit the road. Ok, I think... I have this out of my system now. I will be fine from here out.

I get back... waiting around for people to come. Damn it... must run to powder room for break down #4. OKAY! Now I have to be alright. People are coming! My mom gets there takes one look at me and just hugs me.

Ok, more people arrive... My ex's father... and his Aunt, and a few of his other relatives. What do you think happened next... Oh, well the ignorant individuals treated me as though I was non-existent. Yes, you read that correctly! They didn't even speak to me. After everything I have ever done for these people. The love I have given them and their family. I wasn't the one cheating!

Well, you guessed it break down #5. Outside I went. Better, in I went... to be told that MY dad called my ex to let him know he was going to be late. MY dad... sorry... yup break down #6. Now, I am just getting annoyed that I have cried so much in one day.

Well... fast forward and I will just say I cried about 4 or 5 more times. Over stupid shit, too!

I am just in shock over the way I was treated. I have never been so rude to people in my life. These were people I called my family! So.... the next few weeks and the holiday's are not going to be easy for me.

I am drinking entirely too much coffee and going to clean my house to prepare for being with my babies again!

What was i thinking...

It's that not good enough feeling....

Broken and shattered

Pieces littered all around

Jagged and misshapen

Cutting deeper on each touch

A heart once beating

Only bleeding now....

I once felt that was all I would ever feel... Then I seen the light, the silver lining in life... then I decided to take a look back into my past. WTF was I thinking???

I haven't stopped crying... I haven't wanted to this time. The pain is too unbearable. Everything crashing on me and I just don't know what to make of it! I have been through enough, ya know! I thought I had spent enough nights in such horrid pain. It this why no matter what I do now, I can't seem to get past this fucking pattern? Is what happened, and what I did, what I hesitated on, the cause for what I live now?

Is this some cruel joke? I have Pandora on right now (don't know what it is- google it) every single damn song it killing me!

Such big plans for such young kids!! All these letters and pictures and promises and dreams and hopes and plans.....

I learned something... leave the past in the past!

9 days....

I closed my eyes today... and the same image kept coming to mind. Have you ever had a day where you couldn't concentrate because you mind was running rampant with thoughts that have completely taken over??? I have been this way for the past two days now!

Yet, it has led me to think about something I hadn't in a really long time. I had the privilege of meeting an amazing woman years ago... I would say pretty close to 6 to 7 years ago. I had only met her that once, it was a chance encounter, we happened to be at the same restaurant one night.

It was not long after I had found out about him cheating on me again... and I was done... (hahaha-yeah right)! I was devastated because I just didn't know what was wrong with me. Why he didn't want me. Thinking back, thank god he didn't want me!

Well, she seen a look on my face and I confided in her. A complete stranger!! She was like a little angel sent down to be there for me at that moment. I told her my story and my pain. She hugged me, a total stranger... filled with compassion for this simple distraught girl.

She told me her first marriage ended that way. He was a lying cheating bleep bleep and she couldn't be made to feel like nothing anymore. She left him. They had no children so it was easier, but she struggled everyday with it. Then she told me (the part that sticks out the most) that she was done no longer living. She was ready to live again and stop waiting for life to do something for her.

She went on a trip and met a man. They were married 9 days later. 9 days!!! That was it. She said she knew by the end of that first night, she was going to marry that man. She said he told her the same thing, years later. When I met her all those years ago, she and her husband were married for 21 years. She told me she loved him more and more everyday. She also told me that no matter what, how terrifying something may seem, how bad you have been hurt in the past, and no matter how hard it is to do so... Do not ever stop living!!

I think about her every now and then, I remember her fondly. She was a shining star and to this day her story has given me hope that no matter what lies ahead, so long as I move forward without reservation, I will be OK.

I have had some whirlwind events take place recently that have me lost in thought. I can't come to a decision and I don't know in which direction I should travel. It is moments like these I realize how weak I am. How something can take told of me and I just let it.

I have two paths ahead of me... Which to take, I don't know. Either way, I fear pain will follow. Am I willing to take a chance... Absolutely!

The best kind... dysfunctional!!!

I do believe I have had the best weekend EVER!!!

There is an indoor water park near Cedar Point; Kalahari. I have never been, and neither have my kids. Well, we went; along with 5 other families from Kyle's traveling soccer team. I couldn't have gone with a more fabulous group of people! We had the time of our lives!

I noticed this past weekend just how much Kyle has evolved. What I mean by that, is he has come out of his shell so much since he joined this team. I seen a change in him, a change that as a mother I am thrilled!

He participates and laughs and plays and is noticeably happier! Not only was this a great trip, but it was also something that he needed. He has a collection of brothers!!!

I sat back today and watched him... watched him hanging out with the boys! It was the best thing I have ever seen. I also realized how each of us, moms, have another 12 kids to love... along with their brothers and sisters! We are one giant dysfunctional family... The best kind!!!

One proud Mama!!!!

I took the kids to dinner tonight! Kyle and I were discussing how his one friend isn't the best influence and I was informing him of the things he will lose if he shows any signs of acting like this boy he is friends with. Kyle mentioned how this boy is always lying and well Cadence chimed in.

She mentioned that a lot of her friends also lie. She told me her bestest friend lies all the time. She said to me, "Mommy, she lied today! She kept saying that she is stupid!" I asked her if that is what she said.

She told that she looked at her friend and told her, "You are not stupid! You are very smart!" Cadence told me it made her sad that her friend thinks she is stupid. She doesn't know why should would ever say it, but she has talks with her to make sure she knows that she is not stupid. She even told me that she brings in another friend too... so that they can both tell her.

It made me so proud to be her mother... I am proud to be the mother of all three of them!!!

to take it all away....

It's nights like tonight that makes it the most difficult time for me as a mother. All you mothers and even you fathers out there, will know what I mean! It is just so hard to want to be able to go in and mend your child's broken heart!

My oldest is 10 going to be 11 in June. He is having the most difficultly with his parents' divorce. He tries to stay strong for all around. He is very much like me in that sense, he hates to cry. Tonight, he came out of bed a few times and I just knew there was something wrong... I knew he was upset. About 10 minutes after I asked him if he was okay, he came back out crying his little hazel eyes out.

He curled up on my lap and cried and sobbed and sniffled and gasped in air... he let it all out!!! I just held him. As his mommy, I did all I could to not cry. I must stay strong for my boy! I held him and let him go! He finally started to calm down and let me know, he just didn't think he would ever get used to this. Then he cried on some more. I held him for at least a half and hour.

We talked a little about his sadness and that it is perfectly normal! No matter what he can always come to me if his feelings get to be too much!

We are both laying in the living room on the couches watching The Wizard of Oz! He is doing better, but still upset!

I just want to take away all his pain and sadness!

Have I failed them again...

Have a in some way failed them again? That is the question I keep asking myself. Last night I took my babies to their dad's. When I dropped them off for the first time, I was a blubbering fool, crying so hard my face hurt, sobbing so loudly I startled myself, and so many tears.

The feeling of curling into the fetal position and staying that way for days.... it was all i could think of. That first time, I knew that a day would come when I would go and drop them off and not get that vomit feeling. That made me cry even more.

Each time has been very difficult but then.... Then I took them to their dad's last night. Last night, I did NOT want to throw up, I did NOT want to curl into the fetal position, I did NOT cry my eyes out. About half way home, I realized that I was OK... feeling OK, made me cry, want to crawl into bed and not come out, and cry my eyes out.

I was thinking about it again today on my way home from work and again started to cry. (I am not a fan of allowing myself to cry)

Does this make me a terrible mother? That is what I keep asking myself over and over again.

That look...

I saw something today... something, I thought I had all but almost given up on. I saw a husband look at his wife with pure love in his eyes. The way he looked at her was beautiful. It wasn't just a one time look... He had that look in his eyes every time he placed them on her.

Oh, the hopeless romantic in me was clawing to the surface. I am naturally a people watcher. I love to see the way people talk to others, walk, behave, treat others, you name it I love to study people! I think that could be why I have an increased amount of cynical tendencies!!

Yet, I have seen him look at her that way everyday I have seen them together. It could be first thing in the morning, middle of the day, or in the evening after a long day at work. It gives me hope that maybe just maybe my "look" is still out there!

nope... nada... no more

I am really truly trying to maintain my calm! I don't believe I have much left in me after this week.

This past week did not go at all in any way how I may have ever imagined! I don't think any normal prediction could have been given that would have had last week play out the way that it did!

Someone I truly care about it being harmed by someone who claims to love him. It breaks my heart that this person who claims to love him would be so degrading and place him in such a horrible place!!!

It is far more detailed, but pointless to beat this dead dog! However, today....

Today, I have had a pretty relaxing day! It has been nice and quiet, and I have been expecting my kids to be dropped off for a few hours now. Last week, their dad took them around 12noon ... okay, that's fine... but then when i expect for him to drop them off around 3 today, I get nothing. I call him and he says Oh I thought you were going to pick them up. GRRRR.....

Now the conversation earlier when he told me he was going to bring them over after their running around... I am so tired and frustrated with being taken advantage of. I am tired of sitting back and being a doormat!

Nope... Nada... NO MORE!!!!

sigh....

Today has been harder than most days. I feel out of sorts! I know what my issue is... I miss having a baby. A little tiny new born baby! I miss being pregnant. I miss the way I feel when I am pregnant. I miss the big round belly, the baby moving, the little feet pushing out the side, the way I would ache with feet in my ribs! I miss the moment I know that baby is coming (yes the pain is killer, but you don't think about that)! I miss seeing that slimy lil' mess the moment he or she is born. The swollen face and wispy cries. I miss holding that tiny helpless baby in my arms... feeding that lil baby for the first time.

I miss holding that little baby... I miss changing diapers delicately and ohhh that fresh new baby smell!!! hahaha

I know i know... I have 3 perfectly wonderful children! I know I don't want to seem greedy... but I do want more children.

I want to one day be in a great relationship where I feel just amazing and not shitty! I want to believe that one day I will have the things I want. They are not material things, they are wonderful things. They are love and trust and caring and a partnership and a man who not only respects me but loves life! A man who sees the world a bright greens and blues and sun shiny yellows!!! A man who holds my hand and my heart!

One day I want to be able to have a baby! One I can protect while growing in my belly, one I can hold in my arms and sing lullabies too... I know I will be out of this crazy baby fever!!!

sigh....

The beginning

I have been with out the internet for awhile and will still be without it until I get the company out at my house next week. However, I have been writing little things here and there to keep myself sane.... Here are the two little things I have jotted down...

9/16/10

I am finally in my bed with my kids in theirs. This is a whole new process we all have to learn. It is so hard for them. It is so hard for me. I just feel like I have failed them miserably. That this mommy just hasn’t been able to do for them like they need. I know that where I am is better for them in the long run, but my heart still breaks when they are not with me.

It absolutely kills me when I know they really don’t mind not being with me, but the second their dad is away from them they flip out and meltdown. They have to call him a million times and whine about not being there and ugh!!! It feels like they are ripping my heart to shreds piece by piece.

I can’t tell them that. It would be hurtful to them. I wouldn’t want them to feel sad.

9/17/10

Well, it is truly a process. I know that and it is moving along nicely. Yet, I know that is will be hard again when they are at their dad’s. I spoke with a friend of mine who has been in a similar situation. He and his wife got divorced and they do shared parenting. He is an AMAZING father and I know that he would be able to give me some advice. I just needed to know that it was going to get easier. Everyone I have talked to tells me it will easier-NONE of them have been where I am right now, none but him. He made me feel better by telling me that although it may get a bit easier to deal with it will never be normal. A parent just can’t get used to being away from their kids. Crazy thing…It just made me feel better. Weird I know!! But it makes sense.

I got to have the kids for 3 nights… just like they were away from me for 3 nights. We will go back and forth for a bit until it is every other week. I am sure I will have heart failure during those times.

I will get through this… I know I will. I just keep telling myself- Just keep swimming, just keep swimming….

1 trip and the world knows

I can't say i am the world's greatest person, FAR FAR from it... but i can say that I am a pretty damn decent person.

Yet, one slip up... that i try to make sure i do behind closed doors: literally; and it's like i personally spit in the face of many people.

I guess it doesn't matter that a person has a bazillion different things going on... just that for a split second they cracked and let a slight leak spew from the granite dam.

Next time I have a lapse of judgement moment, I will ensure your feelings aren't injured. God forbid, my tears annoy you!

...

Time has flown and summer is gone... School has started and my mind is still whirling from the hundreds of things that I have done, am doing and still needs to be done. I can't seem to get a grip on life these days.

There are times where I am completely lost and really can't seem to find my way out of the paper bag. The opening keeps closing letting in only a crack of light

I have been going through so much lately that I don't know how I stand on my own two feet most days.

I cried like I never cried before. I cried with huge tears and massive sobs. This outburst caused a panic attack and an asthma attack all at once. I had to go to my house for the 1st time alone... with out my children. I wanted to die. I have failed my babies and there they were safe with their daddy, but not with their mommy.

I am void of emotion today. An automaton just going through the programmed motions of the day. Knowing to slap on a smile when necessary to avoid the unwanted "Manda, you OK? you don't seem yourself today" questions.

I have no appetite though I made myself eat. I feel empty but with slight excitement to see my sweet chipmunk's faces after work. It is all that is keeping me going right now.

How did I not think it would kill me this much?

It is all falling into place

It is all falling into place. One step at a time...

I received the keys to my house this past week and started the moving process. The kids have been able to see the house and they love it! They really do!! It makes things so much easier that they like the house and are excited about it.

We painted their rooms and hopefully soon I will have their beds in there also. I got some of the stuff in there as well this weekend. It is great how smoothly things are going. My anxiety is shrinking (for the time being) but my excitement is growing.

I know that a divorce is not a usually a joyous occasion, but after working towards this for so long, it has become a release of such stress. I actually just explained to a friend of mine the other night that I know how he feels (he is in a similar situation) and that although he feels heavy and filled with burden there will come a time he will be free and light. It will be an amazing release and you will feel like you can fly.

I am looking forward to going to my house again today...

I should have know...

Today was an absolutely wonderful day! A day that, well, just was prefect!

The company I work for has many client appreciation events. Today we put together a Bocce Event at the MVR. For starters I have never been the to MVR AND.... it is in downtown Youngstown.... Which I drove to ALL by myself (well, Kyle was with me)... I got there and didn't even get lost!!!! Hahaha!! Score 1 for me!!!

Well, like I popped in Kyle came with me. I was so excited to have him just him, come with me. We don't get to do much together, just the two of us. We had a great time. I was able to meet a few more of our clients and get to spend time with those I have met before.

I really, honestly, can't say enough.. Just how much i LOVE MY JOB!!! hahaah

Kyle and I had a blast while at the Bocce event. Let's not forget to mention that it was a total success. It went off without a hitch!!!

On our way home I drove past the house I will be moving into next weekend. I talked to the people that will be, I guess you could say, my landlords and they said it was all ready! When I drove past the roof was cleaned, the house looked amazing, and yard was really cleaned up (the the landscaping), the driveway was redone, and they even put in a new fence. The fenced in the backyard! AMAZING!!!! They put in all new appliances!!!

Today, I feel relaxed. Completely at ease! I haven't felt this way, in well... A really REALLY long time! My Jennie found me a great couch and love seat for super cheap and she is also able to get me some dressers.

I can't forget to mention all of the great support I have from my friends... YOU ARE ALL AMAZING!!!!!!

Baby steps will get me to where I need to be.. and I won't get there any sooner than when I am supposed to be there!!!

Well, not back to my relaxing Saturday night!!!

lost...

I haven't really been myself in awhile. I mean out of the norm not me! I have so much going on, I just feel like my life is spiraling out of control. I have no time to sit down and take it all in. There has been so many things going on that I have been involved in that I just don't even know where to begin or end... hell where is the middle point to it all?

As many of you know I am currently in the process of getting divorced. It has been a long time coming and I truly am excited to begin a new chapter in my life. I have a house set up to move into, I move in a couple of weeks. I have a great job that I am now full time in and I just love the people that I work with. I am slowly getting to where I need to be!

This summer is almost at it's end and I feel as though it had just begun. That only a few days ago my kids were done with school and we were planning our fun summer days. Recreational soccer is OVER... I can't believe that it is already over! The 4th of July has come and gone... and today is the first day of August. Where did it all go?? Where did all the time disappear to?

My sister decided to get married in Las Vegas this July! I was sooo excited for her to be getting married and I was thrilled I was going to get the chance to experience Vegas. It was the best time I have had in a while! I didn't let one thing bother me while there. I kind of just went along with the rhythm and flow of the city that is just SO alive! This amazing city just has it's own heartbeat. One I was able to get in sync with. I was alive in this city and it carried me on it's wings.

Two of my children played soccer this summer and they were fantastic!!! Both of them held second place over all for the season and I am so proud of the effort and determination they put forth in playing each game! My oldest has now decided he truly enjoys the sport and will continue on into a traveling competitive league this fall! The excitement is running through us all. Although the season was a wild and crazy ride of most weeks being at the fields 4 of the 7 days a week for many hours, I miss it. It ended so quickly and I feel I wasn't even there. I was, though, I was there for each game!

My best friend has decided that after many years of being engaged it was time for her and her fiancée to get married this fall. Many of the girls in her bridal party are from out of the area and with a family that is involved with a food stand in many fairs and other festive activities it was a chore to plan around everything. Yet, I was able to pull it all together. Her shower was amazing as was her bachelorette party. Great fun with great ladies!

Let's not forget the studying that I must do each day to get ready for a Series 7 exam for work. Passing this exam will bring me a new title for work and it will bring me more confidence that I can accomplish anything I set my mind to.

As well, as the many events that are taking place with work right now; I have begun to find myself lost!

Lost inside a person who hasn't stopped moving... Stopping scares me at this point! The momentum is weak right now, but it is there. If I stop, I am terrified I will be motionless again. I fear I will become dormant and stationary.

I have a whole new life ahead of me and nothing! Nothing at all! With no means of getting anything that I need. So many unforeseen expenses this summer has caused the savings I had created to diminish and dwindle away to nothing. With each event that I have coming to me I will only be making it even more difficult to afford anything that I need.

I have never been one to worry about money or anything that even falls in that category. Why is it now that I can not seem to get past it.

I have so many thoughts that have bombarded my head, I can't think straight. I can't think in any direction at this point.

I have lost sight of being a mother. I feel that I have barely even seen my children in the past couple of months. That I am merely a figment to them. A shadowy mist of what was once their loving always there mother.

As most of you know, I despise allowing myself to cry. It makes me feel weak and unable to do what needs to be done. It makes me feel less of a person. However, I have begged for the release of tears recently to help eliminate some of the pain and frustration and hatred I have towards myself.

I am lost and I don't know where I am... please help me find myself!

Life is tricky!!

I only have one thing to say...

It is an amazing feeling to be able to feel a flutter in my chest again! The kind of flutter that lets you know you are still alive. The kind of flutter I never thought I would feel ever again... the kind that I had decided to never let happen again.

I LOVE IT!!!

Let's help Cadence to reach her goal!

My daughter had recently found a new joy in her life... Jump Roping! She loves it....

Everyday she sings a new jump rope song... and we have to see how many kisses we are getting or she just makes me count the number of jumps she does! It is a funny little thing watching her jump like a wild jumping bean!! I LOVE IT!!!

Well, her school has a program going on teaching the kids about their heart and how it works and how to take care of it.

The program is Jump Rope for Heart! Her goal at this time is to reach $50.o0 in donations...

http://honor.americanheart.org/site/TR/JumpforHeart/JRFH-GRA?px=2167092&pg=personal&fr_id=1281

Please click the link above and donate to help her reach her goal for helping others learn about their hearts and how to take care of it!

Thank you!!!

Complete 180 WHAT?!?!?!

So today I got the chance to talk to a friend... that person let me see that my ridiculous train of thought was just that.. RIDICULOUS!

Now, that talk... or maybe the 2 hour hot bath I took today may have been a combination of the two.... really has allowed me to be smile from ear to ear.. I actually think my whole body is smiling at this point.

I just feel that what my friend said about living in the moment... and staying out of the past and not looking at the future... but staying in the moment... and well getting the hell out of my head... makes pure and total sense.

I am going to start staying in the moment... and when my brain decides to have something negative to add (depending on what it is of course) I will just flip that switch and keep smiling!

Thank you!!!!

random ramblings of the broken hearted!

Sometimes I allow myself to get ahead of where I really should be going. I think that I really need to have a buffer between me and the rest of the world. A filter of sorts!

I think sometimes I am just too ready to jump into some things without fully thinking them through. Don't get me wrong... I know the type of person I am... I know what I am capable of, but I guess there are times when a small part of me escapes the sanity I try to maintain, she just runs a muck. Causing way too many issues for me to handle.

My heart is a weak object... I tend to keep it under lock and key since it is so tattered that really I don't think it can take much more... but it beats stronger than I really know sometimes. It tries to reach out every little chance it gets to grab a hold of something that gives it the slightest hope.

Yet, there is that part of my mind that takes hold it that tiniest wisp of hope and says, Hey... calm down... we will get there one day! Don't rush it!

I have been so ready for the life I am heading to... I have been dreaming of it for years. I have been longing for it... I think that is why I end up getting ahead of myself.

I like to think I am a strong woman... one who can take care of herself.... one who can hold her own... one who can take care of her children... one who can hold the weight of the world while wearing my heels and smiling with the best of them... one who doesn't need anyone to hold my hand... one who doesn't need anyone to lean on.

I try to strive to be that person. I know I am capable of it, I know I can do it... Hell, I am already doing most of it. But that heart of mine tries to weaken me with each day. It tries to get me to believe that I am going to need someone by my side.

That is when I remind myself, that no matter what... I know what happens when you allow someone to stand by you... I know what happens when I open my heart to some one else... I know what happens when I let my guard down... I get hurt!

Tonight I was sitting thinking that maybe my heart had a really good idea... I was feeling really good about it too... but then Logic set it! I am so not going to let my heart lead my way. My mind has not be broken... It is stronger and can keep me on my feet.

I know how that may sound... pretty harsh! Well, it you have ever put your WHOLE self into a relationship and only been dropped repeatedly... or even opened yourself up to someone else... only to be dropped... and then opened your self up once again to be dropped... or maybe your first encounter with someone ended in distrust... You tend to see a pattern.

I used to think that maybe that it was me... and then I thought, no it is them... but hey who keeps letting them in... ME!!! The problem is with me... The "someones" I let in are the ones that hurt me... but I let them in.

So... problem solved.... Guards up... Never to be let down... Ensuring.... I will never be dropped again!

So, does that mean I won't feel "special".... maybe... but that is far safer than ever feeling hurt again! My heart can't take it anymore.

When someone tells you that you are special to them...or at least leads you to believe that... look at their actions... actions are far louder than words... that is your first sign of knowing just how "special" you really are!

Get ahead of the rest... know what you are up against before you decide to open up and let down that guard... that is my new motto... at least for now.

Who knows... I may have just not met that someone yet! That someone that just won't drop me... that someone who will be there when I do fall and be there when I am walking tall! I guess there is still some hope! Good to know!

So far so good!!!!

Oh... Buddy!!!!

Today is the third day of my new job. YES! You heard that right!!! My NEW JOB!!!! I got my new job at Bury Financial. I started on Monday where I worked a half day. This is the position I spoke about previously in my last blog or so.

I was so excited when Todd called to tell me that I got the job. Too bad when he called he totally had me fooled into thinking that I was not chosen. His tone of choice was all down and bummed out sounding, as though he was going to give me bad news. Did he have me fooled!!! I started to jump up and down the second he told me that the decision was unanimous and that I was wanted to join their team!

That weekend I went out and purchased some new clothes. I purchased some new items to wear to work. Oh, how I love to shop, especially for the type of attire needed for work!

Well, I started my job on Monday! It was the best half day I ever had! Then I just couldn't wait until Wednesday to go back to work. Crazy I know it!!!! Then I went back yesterday, and again it was a fabulous day.

There are NOT many jobs or companies out there to work for, like the one I was EXTREMELY lucky to have become a part of. I feel truly blessed to have been given the opportunity to work there and with such wonderful people. I plan to continue to prove myself worthy of such a chance to be a part of this team! I also, actually, FINALLY look forward to going to work!

WOOHOO!!!!! Like I said.... My 30's will be FABULOUS!!!!! So far so good!

who you talkin' about

So, I woke up this morning with full intentions of returning out to a work out routine. For starters, I have been wanting to get my lazy ass back in gear... but see the thing with us lazy folk... WE ARE LAZY!!!! hahahaha!

Last night I had the strangest dream (like that is out of the ordinary). It wasn't a nightmare (WOOHOO!!!) It was just odd in so many possible ways. No I am NOT on any hallucinogens! Well, all I can say is I was at some funky fundraiser with a DJ (who was hot by the way-haha) and there were weird bicycle races and children's book littered all over the place. Well, in that dream I was in shape and flexible again! WOW! Right!?!? That wasn't the whole dream I would be admitted for sure, if I went into further detail.

Well, I woke up this morning and started thinking... Man, I haven't been able to do half of that since my back injury last summer. The problems I had with my back will tighten up most of my leg muscles and on top of that, I became even more stationary. Let's not forget, my hips decided to not be able to move like they once did too! Becoming all too statuesque! Not what I am wanting here.

So this morning, I got up and decided to do some little stuff... I did well over 4000 steps, and 75 crunches (hey that's a lot for the lazy), and some serious stretching! I will be able to get these legs and hips moving the way the once did... or at least some what!

OK... so while working out I listen to music... One of the most wonderful things ever! Music was just the greatest invention EVER!!! (and I just sang ever out loud while I typed it hahahaha!)

Anywho... listening to music helps me to think! I started thinking about all of the inner demons I have been battling lately. We all have demons, but my demons are some pretty scary creatures with gnarly teeth and dirty sharp claws! Don't ask!

I know I am the not best of people... I know I can be a pretty shitty person... I know I can and have made some pretty bad decisions in my life... I know that as my life continues, I will continue to make some pretty bad decisions.... I know I will sit back and justify them to myself... and I know that after awhile, I will bury them deep enough to be able to look at myself in the mirror again.

Then I started to think... who labels what is good and bad? In whose eyes are the actions that I perform good or bad? Now, please don't make me have to go into full on explanation here, but understand that I do not speak of horrible things such as violence or abuse in any definition of the terms.

Oh... well... quick update... I went on a job interview... The first one was two weeks ago. I left the office feeling quite confident in my interviewing abilities and felt I "NAILED IT" and well low and behold, I must have because two days later, they called me back to schedule for a second interview. I had that interview last week, and while there, I was in a conference room with the President, Vice President and Office Manager... talk about intimidating RIGHT!!?!! I was surprising very comfortable while slightly nervous. Towards the end of that interview, the Pres told me that my first interview went great and he felt confident that the second one was going to as well, and it went even better! So... I am hoping that is a good sign!

I will find out this week regardless whether or not I got the job. So fingers, toes, arms, eyes and legs crossed... I GET IT!!!!

well since I guess I have to clean my house some time today, I should run along!

30's are off to a good start

I went to my first interview in over 8 years this Tuesday, at a financial company. It is for an Administrative Assistant position. My sister-in-law told me about and I place my resume the following morning. I was so excited to receive the phone from them to schedule that interview. Excited and super sick to my stomach. My nerves were all in a tizzy that day...

I believed that my interview went very well. I was super excited about the while thing. It was a wonderful feeling. They informed me that they planned to do a total of 5 interviews, and that from those they will do calls backs for a second interview on 1 0r 2 from there. They told me not to expect to hear from them for at least a week and a half or two weeks. Then anticipation set in again.

With me I over analyze everything. Did I talk too much, talk too little, say the wrong thing, dress wrong.... on and on and on... my brain just doesn't stop. Well, yesterday, being Wednesday, I woke up from a terrible nightmare (a pretty bad one- it had been a long while) and my day was kind of bummed. This morning, I woke to a horrid headache. I haven't been sleeping all that well (would explain why I am wide awake at 1:36am right now).

While cutting some pineapple this afternoon, my phone rang and I wasn't really able to run to it, luckily enough, my wonderful son, Kyle, brought it to me. The number was from the company.... I just answered that call in time. The office manager calling to ask me if I would like to set up a second interview for next week.... I could have run a mile with how excited I was.

Things are working in such a wonderful direction right now. I had surgery on my ovaries and the doc said that I have nothing to worry about- they are healthy and normal looking (WOO HOO), the first resume I place gets me a resume within a few days, two days later I get a call for a second interview, booked my trip for Vegas in July for my sister's wedding, and there is potential of finding a place.

I am just terrified that because things are going so well right now, that something HORRIBLE is about to come crashing in taking it all away!

And then I allow myself to sit back, take a deep breathe, and think to myself (what a wonderful world- sorry just had too ha hahahaha) I did say my 30's were going to be better! I am off to a good start!

You are only as lonely as you allow yourself to feel...

Today was much like any other day... for me that is. I am getting ready for the week ahead, which is going to be filled with a few painful moments for me (literally). But all in all... not a bad start to the week.

However, for the past few weeks I have began to struggle with loneliness. An empty feeling inside. Not a depression... there is a difference. This feeling that has been consuming my thoughts and feelings stems from the lack of affection I am able to give as well as receive. I mean in an adult relationship.

It is a tough topic to express to anyone. Very difficult to even allow myself to realize sometimes. It makes the loneliness feel heavier. I am not physically lonely... emotionally lonely! The difference is great and significant.

I have been so sad for so long and have longed to be able to feel a certain way for so long... that it has its moments when I am fearful that it will consume me wholly. Bring me down to a point that I will start to search in all the wrong places and put myself in situations that are so far from where I want to be.

Most days I am able to get through smoothly with a confidence that could tear down a brick wall, while the next day that confidence is gone and all my previous thoughts are silly childhood fantasies that I have convinced myself to be foolish and inconceivable.

Then there are moments like tonight (while trying to go to sleep) that just enter my mind and begin a hostile take over. All the things I long for. Most very simple. But not easily obtained.

The touch of a man... on my hand, my shoulder, my neck, my cheek, my back, the slight brushing of hair out of my face, a warm smile that I understand, a kiss, sitting next to someone who cares for me the same as I care for him.... the list is never ending but truly simple. I don't long for extravagant things. Unless, falling in love and being loved in return is so unreachable that I live in a sad world of delusion.

The passion that I am made of... the passion that courses my veins... the passion that drives me to find just what I need and want... That passion is a driving force I am terrified to lose.

So many years have passed that I have been in a state of not wanting to be looked at by another man as long as I lived. I could not bear the thought of being treated as negatively as I have in the past. The pain of a broken heart is so unbearable, but it was relived in each memory of what I have been through.

I believe I have come along way with the thought process of being happy again someday. I mean truly I feel that there is a possibility for me to have what I long for so badly. The trouble is getting there with out setting myself up for failure. I am so fearful of being lonely for a moment longer that it will take over everything that makes me who I am, that I will only make it happen by subconsciously creating obstacles for myself.

I am a loving person, some one who wants to share all of that and what I have. Someone to share a life with.

I see other couples in my life. Although, dysfunctional each in their own ways... I can see that the love they have for one another is so breathtaking. The undeniable little subtleties that make up their precious loves. It is truly inspiring. A glimmer of hope to hold onto.

I guess these days will come fewer and fewer, the closer I get the my end goal... Just hope there are not as many obstacles to overcome as I have imagined.

The start to new beginnings...

Two weeks down and still kicking some tae bo ass! Jennie and I have been doing different types of workouts to keep all parts of our body working at different times. We want the full potential of our workout. We have one day of rest and I have been doing pretty well at maintaining a decent diet. However, yesterday... I just wanted to eat and eat and eat and keep eating. ha ha ha!

It is completely amazing that I have been working out for a mere two weeks and I have already noticed so many differences. My posture has improved, my attitude has improved, and my sleeping habits are gotten better. I can actually sleep better. I may not being going to bed much earlier... but I am getting more out of the few hours I do sleep. It is wonderful!

Working out is my newest obsession... I think about it all the time. I catch myself doing some simple moves throughout my day while cooking, cleaning or playing with the kids. I LOVE IT!!!

My outlook on so many things is so amazing! My breathing is finally getting under control. I tried Yoga for beginners the other night and ohhhhh My chest never felt better. The stretching and the breathing has made it so much easier for me to catch my breath when it has been so difficult for me to do so before.

My dreams haven't been so overwhelmingly emotional for me. I have actually been able to wake up without still feeling the emotional downpour from my dreams. I have more energy and I see things more clearly.

Now to keep this up and work on the rest of my issues, then I will be all set!

There is more to come....

Several years ago... about 7 to be more precise I had to have an laparoscopy of my ovaries. I had been having a terrible time and excruciating pain after Kyle was born and he was done nursing. It started off pretty ok... meaning that I didn't want to rip them out when they hurt... However, the pain did increase to the point where I was tempted to have all existing parts of a female reproductive system removed just to not be in pain anymore.

At that time I was seeing a doctor who told me that my chances of having more children would decreased significantly every year. He wanted to go in and take a look because all my tests were showing that there should be nothing wrong with me. Clear labs, clean ultrasounds... you name it... I should have been normal. (Me normal... ha ha ha ha ha ha-I find that hilarious)

Well... I had my surgery in Sept of 2002, Kyle was 2 years old and nothing else we were trying was working. SO......the surgery took place and the doctor found a benign tumor... the size of an ovary on my left one, which was about 2-3 times the size it should have been. Plus more cysts than could be calculated.

Well, let's just say that the week following surgery I was pumped full of pain pills (that pain was EVIL) and I slept pretty much the entire 7 days before my post-op.

Over time... the pain wasn't as bad... and it ended up taking me almost a year to conceive Cadence. The pain came right back after she was born... it wasted no time. Which was baffling because I wasn't supposed to be ovulating. So, I was placed on birth control. Which didn't work either... and hell didn't keep me from getting pregnant with Kaleb. (which i do NOT regret)

I had Kaleb and was good to go for about a year. I was thrilled, because I would dread waiting for the pain to start again. Just when I left my guard down... it attacked. It came back full force and with a vengeance. So I had the Mirena implanted. After loads of research and talking with my doc we figured this was the best bet.

Things seemed to be getting better and I was sooo happy. You could not imagine! Well, about a year ago... the pain started to creep its way back into my life. Little by little... not really effecting me too much at first. Then WHAM! It made its move to try to kill me I swear.

After continual testing: labs and ultrasounds.... all normal again... It is time to go under the knife again. I am scheduled for surgery the middle of February. What a way to turn 30 right!? Hey let me cut you open. ha ha ha

But hopefully, I get some better answers this time.

It is hard having so many things built up inside... and not being able to release them all.

Well... off to clean and play... much love to you all!

Double Time...

Well... it has been a long time since my words have graced you all! So many things have been going on... but I am going to focus on one thing right now.... My health.

This year I will be turning the big 3-0! I have never really had any problems with age or aging. Really it is just a number and I have felt 80 years old for years... so why would turning 30 be any different?!

Well, my health has only be faltering over the years and my friend is also feeling the icy cold hand of deteriorating health. I am so proud of her quiting smoking!!!! WOO HOO GO YOU!!!

Well, I quit smoking for good back in October when the last cigarette I had tried to suck the oxygen from my lungs. I had my very first ever severe asthma attack. Let's just say, laying on my living floor feeling the chill from its hardwood surface while gasping for any air to enter into my lungs while losing feeling my extremities and face going numb... Is not how I would like to finish a cigarette.

Well, I didn't light up again. And really didn't have many problems with choosing life over death in this battle.

Well, then Jennie and I decided that it was time to start working out... taking better care of ourselves. We used to do Billy Blanks Tae Bo... so we pulled out the old dusty VCR and blow off the cobweb covered VHS tapes... and started working out. We have lasted a week and each day gets better and we are actually able to complete the workout with out succumbing to the lung tightening pain that tries to squeeze out our last breathes.

I have also been doing other exercises as well. Trying to tone all the areas that sure do need it. ha ha ha ha!!! This past week, I have felt so refreshed and energized and calm. I also want to eat better and less, so I have begun to do that as well.

I truly plan to stick with this... Not only would I like to look good and lose some weight...I want to be healthier!

Well, off to relax! Much love to you all!